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I'm pregnant and DH doesn't know what his depression will let him do

(31 Posts)
MonthlyWishesCameTrue Wed 26-Dec-12 21:21:02

I've previously posted in chat under a different name, but I thought I need some support and advice and that this thread is better for it. I have posted in the past on here about when DH was actively suicidal and I got some good advice, but the support of a few people replying really helped.

I had previously posted in chat about the fact that we were ttc and when I found I was pregnant at 4 weeks last week, DH was initially happy for a few minutes, then thought this was a really bad idea. He thinks we should end the pregnancy and try again later. The reasons for this are that he has finally started getting counselling after having severe depression for 10 years. He was always keeping his emotions in check, never getting excited or looking forward to anything so never to feel down. He describes himself as a straight line emotionally when the rest of the world waves up and down during the day. It's always resulted in him seeming better but then coming to a head and having a severe bout with suicdal planning and episodes of me needing to tell him to eat /wash/dress etc.

In the last 6 months he has changed, he described himself as now going through puberty and he is only now feeling emotions that he has never felt before. He looks forward to thinks and gets upset when he doesn't enjoy things. I feel closer to him now than I have done our entire relationship. And we have been together for over a decade. One of the perks of him getting counselling is our sex life. Before his depression was bad and he had no drive so sex would be every couple of months, now it is a couple of times a week, but he still feels it is wrong to have these feelings, so everything I am having to reassure him is ok to feel. Even if he hadn't have changed and started getting help, we would have still been together as I love him more than anything and would never have wanted a divorce, I just wanted him to fell happier.

So the reason I am writing this, I don't know if I am expecting anyone to read this or reply or just if writing it down will help me, but when I started typing I was in floods of tears and now I feel calmer already.

So he thought the best idea would be to end the pregnancy and try again in a year as he feels he is finally started to deal with his depression and having a baby will mean that he can no longer deal with it and he will go back to how he was. He hates his jobs and it is only minimum wage, and we had always said there was no pressure to change that he should change when he feels better and there is a job he thinks he will enjoy. now he feels he has to change as we will need more money. He also feels selfish because he thinks he is only just. Starting to experience life and doesn't want that to stop. He always really really wanted a baby and was broody but says since we started ttc he doesn't feel broody any more since he's changing. That he was scared of the change as what if at the end of it he didn't love me anymore, as he doesn't enjoy seeing some of his friends from childhood that he used to. He said he though that if we got pregnant it would prove that he loved me.

I did not know any of this until we have been talking the last week. I have spent the last 12months doing everything I can to try and get pregnant. It has been a very emotional week, with lots of deep conversations and crying. He feels that when we talk he wants to have the baby, but when he's on his own he doesn't. I am the opposite, I absolutely want this baby and we've been actively trying to get this baby, even visited the gp etc but when I talk to him I can see that continuing with this will not be helpful for him and could really damage him.

I am not looking for a reaction on whether termination is good/bad/ugly but just how to help him either way. I have suffered with depression myself I the past, but that was as a result of adapting to a new physical disability. I don't have problems with depression now and my depression was no-where as near as bad as his has been. This last week I have been wanting to feel so happy. I joined the August antenatal club and went and booked in at the gp. But at the same time have been looking at termination clinics on line. I have not told any of my family as I know they will be happy. Christmas was really difficult not drinking or eating Brie, and being happy when knowing how I felt inside. I have felt angry towards him for leaving me in limbo not wanting what he wants, then feeling awful for thinking that and that he really wants to get better.

Tonight he thinks we should continue with the pregnancy, that he hopes he will feel broody again, but what if he doesn't love me when the baby comes? He thinks he will revert back into his former flat line state and asked if I would be ok with that during pregnancy. But it means that I will feel like going through pregnancy alone and I will have to hide aspects of it, like how it is going to worsen my disability as he was worried about not being able to look after me if his depression was bad and my disability worsened. (We have spent a few years researching my disability and the effect on pregnancy and had decided that it was worth doing it once for a baby). But I think that is not going to be healthy for him at all. Deep down I know he wants this and we can do it, but I don't know how to support him and for this to be a positive experience for him. He wants to enjoy it and look forward to the baby, but he thinks he can't. I think the baby will help give him something to work for but I know the time limitations will be too much for him.

I am so sorry for this being so long, it would be good to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation with their Dh and how they coped feeling that they were going through pregnancy as a single person, but also having to look after someone else?

Crawling Mon 07-Jan-13 08:11:18

Just to say as someone who has severe mental health issues and has had a termination I didn't want please don't have a termination for him, a termination is a very hard thing to do and if you have one for him the anger hurt and guilt will probably put a end to the relationship.

After my termination I couldn't even look at the father and our relationship ended and he wasn't the one who forced me but I blamed him amongst others. you should only ever terminate if you are 100% sure its what YOU want.

MonthlyWishesCameAndWent Tue 08-Jan-13 10:29:08

Hello, sorry for disappearing, I did have a mc so have been hiding in some of the mc threads. Kind of was avoiding coming back here too, ut its ok now. Want back to hospital on the Saturday, had a scan and no viable pregnancy products and my hcg had dropped stupidly low to 13. I did have a cyst on my Fallopian tube on the side I was getting all the pain so they think I was lucky in that it might have been an ectopic but it was failing anyway and I started loosing the pregnancy that afternoon without any medical management. The hospital were lovely especially as it was out of hours and I have an appointment to go back on Thursday to check everything is finished.

I have spent this last week in bed, crying etc. the one thing I am very great-full of is that DH had changed his mind that Friday morning and said he knew he wanted the baby and was scared. I think if everything had started happening before he said that then I would have felt very differently towards him and the whole thing. At least I had that half hour where we did start planning on having this baby and deciding on when we were going to tell people etc.

I also think in a way by me not being being able to get excited about the pregnancy it maybe made it easier do deal with. Having said that I never had any experience of any friends going through a mc, so didn't expect to be so upset and devastated. Although think it was also harder because I had spent the previous week crying every day as well. I am currently in my second week off work, and aiming to go back next week. Couldn't sleep as was playing everything over in my head, so ended up having 3 days of sleeping tablets from the gp. Still can't sleep at all.

Haven't really spoken to anyone on the phone as I just cry, but a few RL friends have come round and I have half told them about DH, not everything that I said on here about wanting to end it, but that he was worried about how he'd cope and how I'd be.

I the first week, I felt like I never wanted to get pregnant again, that I couldn't go through it, but I told DH I think that was because of all the things he put me through whilst I was still pregnant. Now I am back to really wanting one. We are currently at the stage were we are having to wait as I need another scan of my heart before the gynae is happy for us to ttc again and advised against it currently so am in an enforced wait anyway.

Positives that I am currently taking from it is that DH, definitely knows he wants a child, that if I get pregnant again have already found a gynaecologist who has experience of my condition, that next time (apart from worrying about another mc) I can enjoy my pregnancy from the start.

I'm sure my emotions will keep changing and its only been a few days since I thought I didn't want another baby. DH knows that our relationship would be different know if he hadn't have told me he was ok. He has been looking after me very well this week. He also says he is motivated to change and start looking for a different job and doing his best to stay healthy.

I don't know how I'd feel if we did start ttc again as I'd always be worried that the same thing would happen again, both the mc and his reaction. He doesn't know when he thinks he'll be ready, but doesn't think it'll be more than 6-12 months, but although I really want one know there is no way I would have one if I did not think he was going to do anything less than jump for joy if I did great pregnant.

Still feel messed up in my head, don't think my brain can decifer what happened when I was pregnant and the mc, like its too much to consider at the same time.

crawling thanks for replying, but I had already decided that there was no way I could end the pregnancy. It was something very much that I wanted.

ruby thought I'd better change my name from wishescametrue! Also stupidly lurked I the antenatal thread I was on for a few days, so I've hidden the thread now so I can't keep reading about it.

letsmakecookies you are completely right, I still feel lost.

wafflenose thankyou

Crawling Tue 08-Jan-13 11:38:59

oh im so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself, and again im really sorry for you.

Letsmakecookies Tue 08-Jan-13 17:03:52

So sorry to hear that. FWIW. I would advise waiting before ttc again. I totally understand you feel you want to, need to. I ended up ttc immediately after a miscarriage (where I was very alone in the pregnancy emotionally), and got pregnant very quickly. My xh had/s depression amongst many other things (I didn't know that then), and I wish now with hindsight that I had waited, given myself time to sort out my feelings - tbh I think I would have (and should have) ended the marriage if I had listened to my gut feelings. Instead I had two children and the marriage inevitably failed, because he was totally unable to be the family man I (and I suppose he) wanted him to be leaving me a single mother from the word go. But whatever you decide lots of luck xx

RubyrooUK Tue 08-Jan-13 18:08:20

Monthly, thank you so much for updating. I know it is horribly sad news to update us on, but I have been thinking about what a very difficult situation you were in, so thank you for letting us know.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is a terrible thing to happen to anyone, no matter how conflicted they may be about being pregnant. I have had miscarriages myself and I found the miscarriage/loss boards on Mumsnet to be wonderful in terms of people supporting me and understanding. Although I have lots of amazing RL friends who would have been supportive, when I miscarried, I was so devastated that I couldn't even open up to those people I love. Being able to write it down on Mumsnet really did help. I hope you also find some support over the next few days/weeks/months/years.

I didn't comment earlier on this thread about your DH because having struggled to conceive myself, I find it so hard to be objective about a situation in which someone could actively TTC then suggest an abortion. I'm not judging your DH because he clearly has a great deal of anxiety about his depression and recovery, but it isn't a situation where I felt comfortable about giving good advice.

Obviously whether you TTC again soon or in a while is up to you. I took six months after my last miscarriage before starting to TTC because I needed that time to mourn the baby I lost. I needed to get to a stage where I remembered good things about life for its own sake before trying again. I needed that time for my head to clear.

Also, I think it would be good for you to know that your DH is there with you 100% on any possible future: a future baby, another possible miscarriage and how you both want your family to grow in future, whatever that means. Only because having a child is hard work as well as wonderful, there can be bad times on the way like miscarriages and for me it's vital to know that no matter how hard it gets, my DH was there with me all along.

Again, I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. It's clear you are trying very hard to think about your DH and his feelings and also match those with your own. I really hope you feel better soon. Take care.

MonthlyWishesCameAndWent Tue 08-Jan-13 20:36:23

ruby I know what you mean about mumsnet and writing it down. Since I joined when ttc I think I'm noticeable calmer in RL as have somewhere to find others are going through the same thi g etc, god that sounds corny.

I've let some friends know what happened via text as I was missing at events, work etc and they all immediately phoned me up, but I coukdnt answer the phone as talking was and is too difficult, but writing essays on here I easy!

It all seems a bit surreal now, like a 2 week blip in my life where I flipped into an alternate unniverse that completely snuck/jumped up on me with dh's response.

Think the advice about waiting is very good!

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