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Planning - what would you do?

(229 Posts)
funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 16:32:40

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

funnymum71 Fri 11-Jan-13 17:27:04

Today has been a better day as its been a more sensible day. Much more sensible. Didn't have to rush to get up. Took some quetiapine with my lamotrigine in the morning, so didn't get fraught. Took some diazepam before going out to meet a friend for lunch. (yay for making it out of the house and not going to the station). Took some more diazepam when out which kept me calm and then took some quetiapine when I got home. Ok, so its involved taking pretty much everything I'm prescribed, but the net result is no desire to jump under trains, so I guess thats a win.

Lessons learned today: Take stuff before I get fraught = day not spent thinking about trains. Minor fleeting thoughts of self harm, but nothing to be worried about. Don't take stuff before I get fraught = trips to the station in the freezing cold.

So onto the weekend. There aren't words to describe how little I want to spend time with my family at the moment. I really can't manage with the children and then I get mother guilt for actively avoiding them if I can. There's just no connection there and I just get annoyed. I'm doing a passable impression of caring. That will have to do for now.

funnymum71 Fri 11-Jan-13 17:54:54

Woah, that was weird. Typed about being OK and then had a minor anxiety attack. Fuck you mental health. Taken the last of today's diazepam. In your face you sneaky anxiety.

audlangsyne Fri 11-Jan-13 20:39:23

It does sound like a better day overall. If you need a bit of time away from the family over the weekend, hopefully they will understand and take themselves off for a while, or let you go out somewhere safe for a bit.

georgedawes Sat 12-Jan-13 13:45:01

How are you today?

funnymum71 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:10:42

I really can't go into it or I will cry. Just absolutely at the end of my rope and I can't even find the words, which for me is a first.

audlangsyne Sat 12-Jan-13 21:40:20

Sorry to hear Funnymum. It isn't necessary to explain. Take care of yourself overnight.

funnymum71 Sun 13-Jan-13 15:03:41

I am counting down the hours until this weekend is over. We've done stuff with the DCs. The CT were meant to have been calling my moby this weekend but haven't heard a peep. I have no concentration whatsoever, have no tolerance whatsoever and I just wish the whole family would disappear. Dreadful, dreadful anxiety. Short of drugging myself even more I am running out of options.

audlangsyne Sun 13-Jan-13 16:36:19

Hello, I am just checking in a bit earlier, may be back online later tonight but not sure.

I empathize with the dreadful anxiety. If there's anything you can find to comfort yourself in the thick of it, hold on to that - whether it's solitude, or deep breathing, or crying, or chocolate, or a hug from one of the DCs or telling them you feel like screaming as you aren't feeling well - whatever works. I've had to try different things at different times.

Sorry the CT haven't called too. Will check in tomorrow night if not before, I hope you can get through this.

funnymum71 Sun 13-Jan-13 16:51:24

I've really tried this weekend. Took the DCs out on their bikes, played dolls house - making every doll go to the loo and wash it's hands was a half hour of my life I'm not going to get back. I've made play-doh bugs, teddies and god knows what else.

I just don't have one jot of concentration. Can't MN or FB. I just can't read it. Crosswords, no. reading no, watching tv no. I just can't do anything. Just want to crawl off somewhere alone and once the DCs are in bed thats exactly what I'm going to do.

georgedawes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:13:44

I hope you're OK, it's mind numbing at the best of times playing with small children (I hate it).

Have you taken your medication?

Hope you're OK. I think you're doing so well to keep going when it's not what you want to do.

Please keep posting we're all here for you.

audlangsyne Mon 14-Jan-13 21:44:18

Funnymum, just checked in to see if you were around.

funnymum71 Tue 15-Jan-13 15:21:34

I'm ok. Was detained under a 136 yesterday. Finally agreed to take a month off work today and my boss called so I told him so no going back yet. I accept that it's not feasible for me to do my job in my current state, but am quite upset about it and stressed about our finances and what it might mean for my in the future. I'm also gutted at missing my scheduled professional exams, but as the psych rightly pointed out, how can I expect to pass when I can't even read a whole chapter of a book.

To be honest, had my boss not called when he did I may have chickened out and gone back tomorrow. in terms of my health, it's a good thing.

audlangsyne Tue 15-Jan-13 16:20:23

Hi funnymum, it is good to hear from you. I know I'm not in your shoes, and our lives are different but - I started off by having a week off, which turned in to a month, which turned into four months. I felt exactly the same as you at the beginning, and kept up working as a court lawyer even whilst in great distress. In the end, it was one of the best things that happened to me as it gave me some time for me and I started to get myself back and feel more in control (even though quite a lot of things went wrong during the time off sick, such as a breakdown of therapy, having to move house with my young child urgently, financial troubles). I hope you might have the same experience, you will be able to pick up your career after the month or longer if that's what's needed. I will be back online later tonight if you want to check in again, sure others will too. I don't always post this much on mental health but really feel for you, all you've been going through and sound a bit like me trying to keep going with work! Hope you can do something nice for yourself, you deserve to feel better.

georgedawes Tue 15-Jan-13 17:02:36

I think it's for the best, I know finances are a worry but you need to get better first. That is your priority now.

Hope you're OK x

audlangsyne Wed 16-Jan-13 21:15:09

Heading off to bed here, but just checking in to say hope you have got through the day.

funnymum71 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:39:07

Oh I am in just such an unreal place. I have no idea which way is up at the moment, but am managing to just about hold it together. I was OK this morning, I think. I'm on so many extra drugs at the moment, but as soon as they wear off it all goes wrong again and I'm not doing a very good job at keeping it even. I thought it would be better being off work, but I don't know whether it is or not.

This afternoon I was back to wanting to jump under trains again. It was just this never ending voice in my head saying that was the way out, but I know if I go near the station again I'll just end up being picked up by the police again and then what so there's no point. And the anxiety, the crippling anxiety and dark mood and thoughts and feeling out of control. I have no idea what to do when I get in that state as it all so scary feeling that way. I don't feel safe in my own skin and I don't know what's the best way to deal with it.

I'm still so disconnected. DD won't let me read her her bedtime story. She's chewing stuff and mum says that both children have been clingy and upset and its me who's putting them through this.

I am exhausted feeling like this. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted keeping myself safe. I'm just exhausted at the whole thing.

I'm waiting for the regular meds I take at night to kick in. I want just a few more hours where I feel OK. Its like I'll be feeling OK then it will just flick to not OK so quickly. I don't seem to have any control over my mood at all.

I keep waking up early and then struggling to get back to sleep and then not being able to wake up. It was a real struggle to get myself up and out of bed this morning and I need to keep doing it as if I give up on that its like one more thing that I can't do.

I just want to feel better. Why am I not feeling better? I'm taking everything prescribed. I am getting out, I am trying. Why do I still feel like I want to end it all and my head is coming up with other ways to do it as each way I've thought about is closed off to me.

funnymum71 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:40:50

I'm scared. Very scared at feeling so out of control.

thekitchenfairy Wed 16-Jan-13 22:51:05

Hi funnymum, I wish I could find the gift words of comfort or you, the only words I can find don't seem to hit the spot but I just want to say that you are keeping going and that is the hardest thing of all. We are all here for you. Please keep posting.

TheSecondComing Thu 17-Jan-13 00:55:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowbanana Thu 17-Jan-13 08:32:47

It sounds at least positive that meds help you for a while. Maybe tehre is one that could help you all the time.

When I had my major mixed state I did not get any peace. Nothing worked. Tried over 40 meds. Once doctor injected something into me and said that I shoud feel better. I did not notice anything. Luckily i got better three years later smile.

I guess sometimes you just have to wait it to go away. Maybe you could stop stressing about it. Just take your time and rest. Do you get any help in from of coucelling or discussing about your problems?

audlangsyne Thu 17-Jan-13 09:04:44

Funnymum, good morning. The main thing I think is not to give up. I have lost people through suicide but that is the end. I do think you will feel better but it may take more time, I know it is so hard when you are so exhausted but try to be patient. I am not religious but sometimes it can help to ask the universe (or God if you are religious) for a little bit of help. I am not a great believer in medication myself, though do take some and in the past did need tranquillizers and sleeping pills to get any rest. I promise, it does get better. Try not to feel guilty about the children too, of course they will pick up on your mood and probably sense that you are suicidal too, if you can offer them any reassurance that is great, but, if not, then the best you can do is what you are doing. It is your choice to kill yourself, but once again just want to say I hope you won't. Is it the exhaustion and frustration with the medication not working driving these thoughts at the moment, or is there anything else putting those thoughts back in your head all the time? I'll check in again tonight and hope you can get some rest today, just try to rest, or do something creative like draw a picture of how you are feeling or how you wish you felt or of one thing you like in your room or one thing you dislike.

audlangsyne Thu 17-Jan-13 09:06:42

Just reread what I had posted, and think "I promise, it does get better" is patronising and I can't guarantee that. I'm not in your shoes. But what I mean is, from experience of low points as bad as yours sound now, and three failed suicide attempts myself, I promise you that life can feel really good again, given time.

Thinking of you xx

lizba Thu 17-Jan-13 18:02:54

how are you today, Funnymum? thinking about you and hope you have had an easier time today

funnymum71 Thu 17-Jan-13 20:39:32

Its been a funny day and not funny haha.

First thoughts this morning were about my own death, I took meds as prescribed. Met with CT which was positive, but still thinking of my own death. As they dropped me off I was planning to OD on everything in my cupboard. Instead, stopped myself and took some of the diazepam and quetiapint as prescribed with the feeling that if I still felt like OD'ing after taken them, I would. It worked up untiul mid-afternoon, but then started thinking about going and jumping off the bridge. Got as far as getting my shoes and coat on. Stopped, took more meds and distracted myself.

Then this evening I've just had this hideous impending sense of doom. Something horrible is going to happen and I just don't know what, but I know its going to happen soon.

Spoke to CT who spoke to the on-call doc who said I could take an extra 2mg of diazepam at bedtime. TBH have ignored and have taken 4mg now as the feelings were so awful I was almost feeling sick. I don't know what it is or why it is, but when you've been fighting yourself all day and you can't stop thinking that some kind of hideous disaster is going to happen you do what you have to.

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