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Planning - what would you do?

(229 Posts)
funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 16:32:40

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

georgedawes Mon 07-Jan-13 19:19:17

I didn't mean borrowing (I could tell from your posts it's not your style anyway), I just mean help as in meal planning, contacting creditors and so on.

Hope you're OK tonight, I'll be thinking about you.

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 19:29:49

I agree, you are doing well. Not sure how it will feel to be off work but hopefully it might take some of the pressure off you, let you find helpful support, until you feel more well again. I hope you have a better evening.

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 19:40:48

And thanks for your kind words to me smile

funnymum71 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:31:18

I'll be OK I'm sure. Certainly tonight I am in a very hazy place. I'll take the rest of my tablets early and then just work on getting to tomorrow.

I'm seeing someone at 10. At the moment I've just mailed my boss to say I'll be in late and rearranged my morning meetings. I keep wavering between going in and staying off. I am shit at making decisions at the moment.

Actually, not totally shit. I am about to decide to open the next layer of biscuits in the xmas left over pile. grin

georgedawes Mon 07-Jan-13 20:40:22

There'll always be someone here if you want to talk. FWIW I think you should stay off.

You seem more cheerful to me, I hope that is the meds kicking in smile

I think taking time off work would be sensible, but I know it is hard to do.

So pleased you are still posting.

I've had this moved into OTBT just becasue some of the details were making me way too recognisable and I have a paranoid streak.

I'm going into work this afteroon. No chance whatsoever of getting an appt with my doc. I could just pick up the sick note, but it seems that so long as I'm taking the diazepam I can just about cope, so that will have to do.

peachypips Tue 08-Jan-13 12:20:25

It'll be fine until your meds start to work. I have to say I miss tranqs!

audlangsyne Tue 08-Jan-13 14:00:45

Hope it goes OK in work today, then. How's it going at home with the children and DH? Do you feel any safer today?

funnymum71 Tue 08-Jan-13 15:27:52

Hello - I am in work today. I had a meeting with someone from the CT this morning who was trying to get me to stay off sick for the month recommended by the psych. I came into work to discuss with my manager who says he's uncomfortable with me working when on this advice.

I've agreed to take a week off from tomorrow and self-cert. I'll see my GP tomorrow to see if I can get a shorter sick-note.

I am feeling better today, mainly as I've been taking the diazepam as prescribed, so I've not hit any major lows. It just shows that I can be sensible. for once. Don't get used to it smile

There's a sense of relief knowing I don't have to make it into work for the next week. Phew. It gives me some breathing space.

audlangsyne Tue 08-Jan-13 20:55:13

It's got to be good to have a breathing space, if only to process the events of the last week of so, everything that you have been feeling/ going through/ worrying about. Maybe try to get some money advice so you know you have some choices there too.

I found that what helps me in very difficult times is compassion for myself, treating myself to whatever I need (on a low budget so not extravagant, but nice things/ nice times). It's hard to remember when depressed what you like doing but it can really help to do something simple like trip to the seaside, favourite meal with friend etc. amidst the drudgery of trying to take steps to make the long term easier too...

Good luck, I will keep checking in for a bit to see if you're posting.

georgedawes Tue 08-Jan-13 23:41:52

Glad you're doing that, it definitely sounds like the best idea. Keep posting!

How are you today funnymum?

funnymum71 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:59

In one word? Shit.

Yesterday I was eminently sensible. I took all the prescribed diazepam and a good chunk of the quetiapine and actually had a reasonable day. I made it through work and actually did some worthwhile stuff and made it home safely. When I got home, I took some more of the quetiapine and had a nice relaxed evening where I managed to do bath and bed with the children and then chill out for a bit before going to bed myself. The evening meds aren’t knocking me out like they used to, so it was quite late when I finally got to sleep, but there were no major disasters and I didn’t spend the whole day wanting to end it all. Hooray.

Today went a bit tits up. Started out OK, got up, called my GP and got an appt to go and pick up my week note and cancel the month note. Cycled into work, handed over to boss and them mooched into town. Was feeling just fine so didn't take anything other than my usual morning lamotrigine. Went to a support group, which was lovely, but my mood started going down and by the end of it I was considering cycling to the station instead of cycling home. I did OK in that I cycled home and took some diazepam, but it was too late and all I could think about was jumping under sodding trains again. I then got my coat on and walked about a mile in the sodding freezing cold and then spent about an hour freezing my arse off on the platform building up the courage to jump. First train, second train, third train. Finally gave up, left and came home.

I am a mess this evening. DD demanded that DH read her stories as I was grumpy with her and didn't care as all I wanted to do was lie on the bed and do nothing. Looked at MN, couldn't concentrate on MN. Looked on FB, couldn't concentrate on FB. Game on my phone - couldn't concentrate, practical stuff, couldn't concentrate. I spent about 20 or so mins just walking back and forward as it was just about the only thing I was capable of doing. I've taken more quetiapine now which seems to have leveled things out a bit, so I can write this, but my insides still feel completely screwed up and all I can think about is how I wish I'd had the courage to bloody well jump and just finish this off as I've had enough now.

I've had enough. Seriously enough. DH was all "oh well done on getting to work", Well I didn't get to work today. "oh". and told him that this month - when they deduct the sick days I last month, and feb - when they deduct all of my sick days this month, are going to be really hard months to get through financially. Oh he says, take them as holiday - well I took most of my holiday off as bloody phased return. Oh well you can go back in. No I can't. I can't go back in when my performance is shit as I am either dosed up or obsessing about death. All of his "oh well you just need to do what you need to do to get better" seems to miss the fact that this is costing us a lot financially, but then again if you're not the one who has to deal with all of that shit, you don't really think about it. half my wage is less than what goes out of my account by standing order each month to pay the mortage and bills.

And I do wonder, I really do wonder what will happen if I get to the station again. I don't know whether to be scared at the thought of it or just relieved.

Sorry for the brain dump. You may get the impression that I am not in a good place tonight. You'd be right. I feel fucking awful and I don't know what to do about it any more.

audlangsyne Wed 09-Jan-13 21:13:48

Hello funnymum. Glad you are still posting. I hope that you do not kill yourself. I realize you do not have much hope at the moment, but hope may well return later (if you do not kill yourself).

I saw my own counsellor today and mentioned to her that you were in my thoughts. Hope you don't mind. She agreed with what I had said to you about possible PTSD on top of your bipolar as regards thinking over the SCBU/ burns treatments. She gave me a set of handouts (photocopies) re PTSD that I could post to you if you wanted. Don't feel obliged, I realize you may not feel safe to give me your address - you could give me a friend's address if you wanted the leaflets, and I could post them there.

The financial pressure sounds very wearying indeed. It would be really good if you could get this help from CAB or similar to freeze the interest on all payments and temporarily suspend some repayments if at all possible. There are various debt relief agencies out there besides CAB, local Law Centres that can help for free etc. It may take a bit of perseverance to get through to a helpful and very clued-up advisor, maybe someone could help with that.

I am sorry you are feeling so desperate, that sounds like a really busy too, what with the support group, going into work, stressful money conversations with DH, long walk/cycle, care of children. Can you take it abit easier tomorrow??

I know you may decide to end your life but I hope you do not. I am so glad I did not succeed with any my own suicide attempts approx 10 years ago now.

audlangsyne Wed 09-Jan-13 21:15:20

I meant: sounds like a really busy day ...

Oh funnymum sad I am sorry today has been so shit.

When do you have CT contact again?

Avoid avoid avoid leaving the house if it makes things too tempting, can you get a friend to go with you for coffee?

Take care of yourself, if you need to 'talk' please pm me x

georgedawes Thu 10-Jan-13 08:43:45

Sorry such a bad day. Please keep taking your tablets, I know it's not much but seems to help you a bit.

It's easy for me to say, but people can't take money you don't have. Your health is more important.

I'm on my phone so can't type a lot. I just want to say you're not alone, just take one day at a time. X

funnymum71 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:55:52

I am taking it easier today. CT rang earlier and asked if I wanted to meet in town rather than at home, but I don't want to leave the house. DH called earlier and asked if I could go and pick up some milk, but I really don't want to leave the house. I need some time where I can just hang out somewhere safe rather than going out. I really, really don't want to go out anywhere as I worry that I'll just end up back at the station.

My concentration is shit. I know I need to eat something, but I've not got any appetite. I just need to have a quiet, SAFE day away from the world.

funnymum71 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:00:53

Something good and positive.

Wasn't keen to leave the house, but the woman from the CT who came took me out so I was able to pick up the stuff I needed. Actually feel quite good about it as I managed to do something positive. Yay.

I've taken some more diazepam and will take some quetiapine in a bit to try and keep my mood up. Its quite nice now being sat here alone. No DCs no DH, just me, a brew, tranquilisers and a large amount of chocolate.

audlangsyne Thu 10-Jan-13 20:11:32

That's good. I hope you're still doing OK a few hours later now.

funnymum71 Thu 10-Jan-13 20:31:20

Thanks aud. I've taken all of my prescribed diazepam and quetiapine today and its been better. I need to work out what I'm going to do next in terms of getting better as I only have a few days to relax.

I managed to do bedtime with DD which was an improvement on yesterday. I still want to harm myself, but those thoughts are at the back of my mind rather than filling every space for thought that I have.

georgedawes Thu 10-Jan-13 20:40:19

That's good. one day at a time x

audlangsyne Thu 10-Jan-13 21:22:13

That sounds like a big improvement. I guess you will have good days and bad days though. Hope you can get some sleep tonight and rest up again tomorrow.

Millie2013 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:15:48

Sorry, have been AWOL for a few days. Sorry to hear that things have been so up and down, but pleased that yesterday was better. How are you feeling today? x

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