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Planning - what would you do?

(229 Posts)
funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 16:32:40

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 20:58:56

Realised may be a bit pushy. Let me know if you want my no, but I'll keep checking in here. Hang in there.

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 21:06:05

Thanks. I'm def an internet nutter, but a proper one, not a creepy one. I've just taken all of my meds and think I'll head off to bed early. Today is one I would really like to be over.

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:50

I am a certified nut job! Some days just need to be given up on. Praying for a good night for you.

xmasbanana Thu 03-Jan-13 21:59:42

What a awful day you had. Why are they bothering to ask if you are (actively) suicidal anymore?

Ten years ago it was enough when you said you feel suicidal. Nowadays they ask about your plans and asseeminly that is not even enough. Neither is actually beeing caught in the middle of it.

Millie2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 13:14:37

How are you feeling today, funnymum? x

peachypips Fri 04-Jan-13 13:49:55

Hope ur ok this morn x

luckywinner Fri 04-Jan-13 14:04:29

You could be me 3 years ago. And I want to tell you that you won't feel like this forever. I promise. See if you can think like this (buddhist-ish). Nothing is permanent. Try and think of one thing that is permanent. (I said the sun!) but even that is not permanent. It will burn out in a million squillion years. So how you're feeling will not be permanent. What I'm trying to say is you should try and think about just now, or maybe just the next 5 seconds. Try not to let yourself think ahead, as it is so overwhelming. I put a hair band on my wrist and pinged it everytime I started to project.

Thinking of you lots, and here to chat anytime you need it. Btw my suicide plan was tablets. I just wanted to escape how awful I felt.

funnymum71 Fri 04-Jan-13 14:31:34

I had a meeting with the CT in town. they thought it would be good to get me out of the house. I made them take me home as it was too much for me. I don't feel safe at all. There aren't any local beds. nearest is over an hour away.
I feel desperate.
they want me to tell them what they can do to help. if their visits aren't helping they'll stop them. Then what? Oh god I feel so awful.
I've taken extra diazepam and quetiapine and still feel awful. what do I do? I could cry.

xmasbanana Fri 04-Jan-13 14:45:52

Does it need to be a local bed? Over an hour is not that bad. Or can you queue for a local bed?

I have started to think psychiatry really do not have all the answers. I was given a list of meds from what I can choose which I want. great.

Millie2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 17:58:31

I'm thinking the same, could you take the bed that's an hour away, just for a short time? Would someone else being responsible for keeping you safe (IP) feel better right now than you managing your own safety?

funnymum71 Fri 04-Jan-13 18:58:27

The CT has been engaged for over an hour but I've left a message. The extra diazepam are kicking in. I've talked to DH & he's ok with me being admitted. Just need to wait & see what they say when they call back now.

Millie2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:26:15

Lots of luck. Please keep us updated if you can, thinking of you x

Thinking of you funnymum71. Engaging with the CT and taking the meds is so positive. Tell them you still need their support until/if you get a bed.

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:01:50

Morning all, thank you for your lovely support thanks.

The CT bleeped the on-call doc and they recommended taking all of the stuff that I take at night early as that should bring me down a bit and it did. The CT have been out this morning and I'm going to see the doc later this afternoon. I have a friend coming round to baby-sit me while DH is out and the CT will pick me up and take me home from the Drs appt.

Still no bed spaces anywhere. Nearest bedspace is over 60 miles away which is just too far. One of two things will happen. Either I'll be out of this hole soon or a bed will finally become available. Hope its the first.

Millie2013 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:43:15

That sounds like things are moving along a bit and good that you were able to medicate yourself. Lots of luck with the Dr this afternoon, still thinking of you xx

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:50:15

I had a friend come round and I told her exactly what happened on Thurs and she was lovely. Its always a worry when you talk about stuff like that as you never know how people will react. What she did offer to do is to lend me the money to pay my mortgage next month so I can go off if I need to. There really are some bloody lovely people out there.

The on-call doc is with another nutter at the moment, but they are going to call me later when they are free. It really helps to now that there's help there.

DH has just come home and asked if the kids had had lunch. I'd forgotten to feed them any. He's doing it now. When you forget to feed your own children you need help to get through the day.

Millie2013 Sat 05-Jan-13 17:59:23

There are some lovely people out there yes. How lovely of your friend smile

Ahh, the children will be fine, missing a meal won't harm them in the least

Any news from the Dr yet?

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:25:30

Yup, saw the on-call doc today and in that on-call doc fashion, they were fashionably late, but he was a nice chap. Went through my history, said I compartmentalise my life too much. i.e. Went into work, chaired a meeting, met with one of the directors to make sure my work commitments were up to date and then went to the station to jump under a train. This isn't normal apparently. No shit sherlock.

He's upped the amount of diazepam I can take in a day. He's also upped the amount of PRN quetiapine I can take in a day and has said 2 contacts a day from the CT for the next week to see how it goes. Contacts can be phone or visits or meet ups. The one who said it wasn't MH, just my job is coming tomorrow so that could be interesting. If nothing changes after a week or so they'll look at admission.

MH services in my area are a farce. They've cut and cut and cut again so now its almost impossible to get inpatient treatment even when you need it. All in the name of improving the patient experience. Ha.

I have a drs note waiting for me at my GPs signing me off for a month. I have no idea whether I should keep going at work in the hope that keeping that part going will help me keep my life going, or whether its doing more harm than good and I need to take the time to get well again before I go back so it doesn't get worse.

Buggered if I know which is best. What I DO know is that right and exactly at this moment, the extra diazepam is lovely and for one lovely doped up evening, I don't want to jump off a bridge. Hooray. <lovedup>

audlangsyne Sat 05-Jan-13 21:02:47

Hello funnymum71, I read through your whole thread and just wanted to let you know that I care. I used to be suicidal and have suicidal periods too, and, like you, would carry on functioning at work. One of the last suicide attempts I made in/around 2003 I left work (as a lawyer) and tried to kill myself. I no longer try to kill myself and know that I will not try to do so again. I hope you do not kill yourself and can someday also be sure that you can't do so. You must be in unbearable pain to want to kill yourself. In my experience there are very few humans who can bear others' unbearable pain, people try to disbelieve it or they try to control you. It is very hard when you are so low, but my advice would be to get through each hour by doing one thing for your own comfort/pleasure/enjoyment. No shame in taking more time of work and going to see the CAB if more time and help with your finances could assist, you can re-evaluate the decision in a short while and change things then if you want to return to work. If that is taken out of your control, e.g. if you are sacked, you can find another job when you feel better. I hope you get some sleep and it is good that the medication is helping you to relax.

peachypips Sat 05-Jan-13 22:53:21

Hope you're ok lovely lady. aud is so right about the unbearable pain. I have experienced it mentally and you can't survive without treatment as it is too agonising. Only thing stopped me from offing myself was being held by my OH.
So glad you told a friend. Nothing to be ashamed of, an illness like any other. You are being so strong and great and you will make it. Hoping for a bed for you.

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:23:59

I'm OK. Prob off to bed soon. I'm on so much stuff at the moment that my normal dose isn't knocking me out as it used to. Its been good to have an evening where I'm not skating along the edge of reason though. I've got Gabriels Oboe and the 3rd movement of Corelli's concerti da chiesa on loop on the ipod as they are the two most calming pieces of music I know.

I'm feeling so bad for DH as he looks exhausted. He's had the DCs and me to look after and its such hard work. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a good day too. My DCs need for me to be well. DD is so clingy at the moment as I'm so distant and I hate that I can't respond to her like she needs me to. DS is easier as he has ASD and just doesn't notice what is going on around him.

aud thanks for sharing that. I hope that I can pull out of it as well. Its good to know that I'm not the only one who compartmentalises too.

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:29:44
funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:31:31

The best bit of the Corelli is about the last 40 secs or so which always gets me in the throat. Now I am taking my sedated arse to bed. smile

I am glad you updated. I guess it is about plodding on isn't it? And taking the diazepam ;)

I am terrible for compartmentalising. Totally normal behaviour then totally unwell behaviour. I think it makes it harder for services to manage you because it is not what they expect!

You will get through this.

Millie2013 Sun 06-Jan-13 10:15:30

Thanks too from me for the update, I am pleased that you have a plan to get you through the next week and remember, plans can be adapted and changed, it doesn't always have to be this way and hopefully they can move towards some longer-term means of getting (and keeping) you well. I hope that daft bint has had a think about her behaviour towards you last time and is a little (lot) more understanding today.

How are you feeling this morning?

Fluffy, I know what you mean about the compartmentalising- there were times I'd have been at absolute rock bottom the day before, but relatively functional on the day of an appt, so they got the "functional and therefore not in need of help" version, which couldn't have been further from the truth.

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