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Borderline Personality Disorder

(420 Posts)
frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:43:13

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

smile x

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 20:11:15

SirBoobAlot - ha! No offence taken, I was fairly promiscuous before I met him, even though I didn't even enjoy the sex, it was more the exitement and being to close to someone/feeling wanted & desired. It really scares me that I am feeling like this again, it's a big red light for me as all it would take for me to mess up my life and more importantly that of my loved ones would be for me to be in a 'delusional' frame of mind and sleep with someone. Also whenever we row I see red, and for the next hour I so I literally hate him and decide I don't want to be with him anymore and think he's brainwashing me, then within minutes I can forget about it and I am totally in love again, it scares me.

Grockle - sending hugs your way x

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 20:13:25

wavesandsmiles - sorry I didn't mean that last paragraph about your marriage! I just read it back and it didn't read how I meant it to blush

Grockle Fri 25-Jan-13 20:24:18

Thanks mummylin. I'm in a much better place than I was 5 years ago. I am doing quite well- just wish I could sort stuff & have a proper relationship with DP. Maybe getting involved with a man who has his own mental health problems was not a good idea. Hope your DD is ok.

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 20:42:12

Flicks: "Also whenever we row I see red, and for the next hour I so I literally hate him and decide I don't want to be with him anymore and think he's brainwashing me, then within minutes I can forget about it and I am totally in love again, it scares me." Oh God YES I know that. That would be number 2 on the list!

Grockle Fri 25-Jan-13 21:17:25

Oh, I'm a bit like that too. I swear it gets worse with age.

I'm so bloody angry & hurt by DP atm. I'm furious & devastated that he's gone awol again, I've emailed to tell him not to come back & that I've packed his stuff & will bin it because I don't want to look at it. Then next thing I know, I'm lying in bed cuddling his jumper & crying my eyes out, leaving voicemails telling him I'm sorry & that I love him & please come back. So, not only is he dealing with major depression but also a psycho GF. How did I become like this?

I know DP's not good for me. Yet I take him back every single time.

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 13:32:40

Can anyone tell me the implications of being diagnosed, i.e. has it brought you and your family to the attention of anyone you wouldn't want it to, can it cause problems if you want to get medical insurance in the future?

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 13:36:16

Hi, also how does therapy actually help? For example I know in my rational mind that I am being unreasonable when I decide I hate my Mum and don't want her in my life anymore but I still feel like I really hate her even though I know what is happening and to some extent can try and take a step back. Can therapy stop you having these love/hate black/white feeling in the first place?

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 17:02:15

Being diagnosed has been helpful in that I:

a) have a better understanding of why I behave the way I do

b) I was able to do DBT which helped me work out how I feel, how that effects what I do & how to be more mindful. It teaches you how to listen to your emotional mind but also to be practical & sensible and use your wise/ rational mind. I found it really helpful & wish I could do a refresher. It doesn't stop the black & white thinking but it teaches you to handle it a little better.

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 17:42:48

Thanks Grockle (like your username btw!). What is DBT and if it is a therapy did you do it in a group or one to one?

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 18:13:41

Arghh! Just has massive argument with DH, he told me he thinks I'm mad and completely inconsistent and that I don't know what's going on... I decided I really didn't want to be with him this time and that I fucking hated him. That was 10 minutes ago, I am now calmer and wondering if I am mad, he is just trying to make me think I am or what??!!!

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 19:29:54

DBT is dialectic(al?) behaviour therapy. It is like CBT and retrains your brain to think more positively & rationally. When I did it, it was 1x 1:1 session and 1 x 2hr group session per week so quite intensive.

In what way does your DH think you are mad? What do you do? He doesn't sound very supportive.

SirBoobAlot Sat 26-Jan-13 19:34:09

Flicks, I'm getting angrier with your H the more you post. Telling you that you are mad is not okay angry Seriously, you need to tell him to either expand his understanding of BPD, or leave you the hell alone whilst you're having an episode.

I haven't got any negatives to being diagnosed, to be honest. To me it was an answer, and an explanation as to why I do things that I don't want to be doing. The only possible 'problem' I'd say is dealing with physical health doctors when you have a mental health problem, but then if you have a history of mental health anyway, having an actual name to it won't make much difference. I've got very good at saying, "Yes I have BPD. Would you like my psychiatrists number? He'd be happy to reassure you I am perfectly coherent and capable of suffering from a physical condition alongside a mental one, as that appears to have slipped you by", if they get arsey wink Seems to do the trick. My overwhelming emotion when I was diagnosed was relief.

As for therapy - the right kind of therapy can do wonders. STEPPS as I've preached mentioned several times, DBT and also CAT can do wonders. However to access them, you will almost always need a diagnosis, so they kind of go hand in hand.

Grockle my love sad You don't need his negativity. You really don't. And you're not a 'psycho girlfriend' - he's hardly acting rationally, buggering off and leaving you with no idea what the hell is going on!! You are perfectly right to be flicking between being furious and being dreadfully upset, anyone would be. Protect yourself, darling. x

Today has been a good day. I met up with an old ex boyfriend that things ended badly with several years ago. Neither of us were in a good place mentally when we were together, it was always doomed. However... We started talking vaguely this time last year, then bumped into each other and realised we lived rather close, then at the end of last year, he got on the same bus as me home. He got engaged over Christmas which upset me slightly, but I am genuinely so thrilled for him, and it is wonderful to see him happier than (by his own admission) he has been in years. We talked about stuff, and also about the period in time when things went badly between and for us. It was a good discussion to have, one that was needed on both parts I think. He looked at me with a smile at one point, I asked him what, and he said, "You were always lovely. But, my dear, you have blossomed." There is no anger from either of us any more - we were both wrong, and we were both ill. And it felt so good to just sit and chat with him. Was also a test on my boundaries enforcement, and I think I handled it wonderfully well smile

Feeling proud of myself today, and generally positive. Finally starting to feel like I might actually get on top of my head, and never thought I would say that.

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 20:25:11

Boobs & Grockle thanks! Boobs am really glad you've had a good day, love it when stuff like that happens and you have the chance to empower yourself! Grockle do you know where he is yet?

I don't think DH meant anything by calling me mad, I think he just gets exasperated, haven't really discussed BPD with him, I used to think I had ADHD (before I found out about BPD) and he humoured me with that, he thinks I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and read too much into the way I am/behave.

Basically he thinks I am inconsistent with my moods, react inappropriately and get paranoid.

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 22:09:25

WHat a lovely day, Boobs. It sounds like a very grown up discussion & one that has caused a lot of relief for both of you. Youy are quite right to feel proud!
I'm stealing your phrase re mental health & physical health. When I collapsed, A&E were all very worried til they checked my records. When it became apparent that I take antidepressants, they made the duty psychiatrist come down & see me. I didn't collapse because I was depressed!

I don't need all this hassle from DP. We have lots in common but we are opposites when it comes to depression... I have my fake smile, carry on as normal whilst feeling like I am dying from the inside & he runs away to his mum's & hides. You'd think by now he'd realise that the only thing he is trying to hide from is his depression & that it doesn't work.

Lily80 Sat 26-Jan-13 22:30:44

Hi everyone!

Hoping I can come and join in. I got a BPD diagnosis 4 years ago now.

Getting a diagnosis was positive and negative for me. Finally I had something that could explain all these random parts of my personality and I felt I wasn't the only one. But that hasn't really helped me a great deal since, feel trapped in a useless NHS care trust. It would seem I am no longer allowed to be physically unwell, all medical staff immediately assume anything is to do with BPD. Midwife called in the SS when I was pregnant with DD because she didn't understand anything. All my parenting decisions seem to be unduly focused on and I feel intimidated and paranoid about being constantly watched. I got turned down for life insurance off everyone I tried.

I want to feel better and move on, i want a better life for me and DD but feel that I am seen as a no-hoper and that maybe they are right.

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 22:34:32

They're not right, Lily. I'm sorry your experience has been so negative. I have a big fear of SS - my ex used my previous bout of depression as a reason for me not to have custody of DS sad It's a good thing I fought that otherwise I would not have a snoring little boy in the next room now.

Illustrated Sun 27-Jan-13 00:10:37

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the support you've left for me here. I'm feeling a bit better now. It was triggered from feeling very rejected by DP, but I think its sorted now.

I'm another one that rushed into things with my DP. I was in a really abusive relationship at the time and very ill. I left that man and straight away moved in with DP (who I'd only known properly for a week after talking for a few months online) Then about 2 months later we got engaged. I had no idea that BPD was linked to that, I thought I was just quite enthusiastic when it came to relationships.

Sorry to those of you that are having trouble with their DPs. I can really relate to what your all saying about constantly swinging from wanting them as far away as possible to then feeling like you cant live without them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that no relationships perfect and its normal to not necessarily like the person your with all of the time. I think it can be difficult for people with BPD to know if someone's good or bad for them. I'm an awful judge of character and so I've ended up with some complete arseholes who I just fell in love with because they gave me attention.

After never meeting anyone that could quite understand how I feel, its incredible to come here and see that we all know how each other feel.

Goodnight.

Flickstix Sun 27-Jan-13 08:45:07

Lily - Hi! Thanks for sharing your experience, that was what I was worried about, I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish time with the NHS.

Grockle - that's awful he did that but great you won smile

Illustrated - I agree it's amazing, so glad I found this thread!

Can I just ask everyone what is it that made you get diagnosed, did you suspect you had it beofre?

frillynat81 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:29:17

Wow it's been busy in here! Glad everyone is using the thread and finding it useful. How is everyone? Hope you've all had ok weekends. Hugs for all. Xx

SirBoobAlot Sun 27-Jan-13 20:07:57

Grockle do it. I'm sure A&E hate it when I visit now wink after a doctor opened a conversation with "So I see you have a mental health condition" and I gave him (well mannered) hell. My gyne was the only one never to make a fuss over it, only comment was when I refused to take hormonal medication because they are bad for my mental health, and he was completely accepting of that.

It sounds as if you are more accepting of your own mental health that he is, and that is a really tough position to be in. But you can't force him to change his mindset sad I'm sorry he's having such a negative affect on you right now. Big hugs.

Flicks and all those things are true - because you have an illness. There is a brilliant book called Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified that I have found helpful both to read, and lend to friends / family to increase their understanding. Maybe that is worth a go?

My journey to diagnosis was quite a tough one. I was sectioned after going to see a pediatrician with what we now know is ME, who saw 'anti depressants' and 'self harm' on my record, and decided I was obviously psychosomatic... Ended up in a youth psych unit for six months, fighting like fuck to prove that whilst I knew I was depressed, it wasn't the depression that had led me from being an active full scholar at one of the best schools in the world to not being able to get out of bed. A psych who had had ME himself finally believed me, and did a referral. Once that was confirmed, I was discharged from the psych unit, but kept under CAMHS, where the new psych was horrendous. He didn't read my notes, and seemed to suggest a different diagnosis every fucking meeting. In the end I was the one that googled mental illnesses, and suggested I had BPD. They kept a question mark over it as they wouldn't diagnosis me at 17, but it was confirmed a while later when I was with the adult team. The whole journey was hard work, but the end result was worthwhile. I now have a wonderful psych and CPN.

Welcome Lily. How old is your DD? Are you getting much support at the moment, both from friends and professionals?

Illustrated yes I was slightly shocked to find out just how much of my life has been dictated by my BPD so far. I always thought I was just enthusiastic too, but it is a key factor with BPD to rush into relationships without thinking them through, or knowing much about the other person. That's not to say that they can't be meaningful, I don't think. Glad you're feeling a bit better.

Slipping slightly after finding out DP has told me more pointless little lies. I don't know whether he does it to try and protect me, because his emotionally manipulative ex trained him into feeling the need to, or a combination of the both. But I am sick of it sad

Grockle Sun 27-Jan-13 20:49:15

It's such a fight to get any diagnosis other than depression or something with obvious physical symptoms. And at a time when you're really not up to fighting for anything.

violetsrblue Sun 27-Jan-13 22:52:35

Hi frilly, I'm doing two mornings a week in a charity shop..one of the shifts is lovely but the other one is hard, I'm kind of in charge that day and it's stressful! How do you feel about going back on the 31st? x

UnicornCentaur Mon 28-Jan-13 18:12:00

Hello everyone waves

I went to see the CMHT of Friday and was told that they now think i have BPD, before they thought it was a mood disorder. I done a bit of googling and it does fit.

I'm not really sure what to make of it yet, partly glad it has a name and partly upset that i cant just take something to make it go away! Just wanted to say hello and that i'm following this thread

SirBoobAlot Mon 28-Jan-13 19:18:19

Hi Unicorn, welcome smile Unfortunately it's not a ''pop-a-pill'' type illness, but there are treatments.

Today was the penultimate session of STEPPS, final one next week shock Can't believe that. Things have changed so much in that time.

frillynat81 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:05:27

hmmm violets, do you cope with the stress ok? I'm fine with going back, haven't been off sick. my boss has been abroad so my services haven't been required lol xx

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