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Borderline Personality Disorder

(420 Posts)
frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:43:13

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

smile x

SirBoobAlot Sun 30-Dec-12 00:57:09

Do any of you know Les Miserables? These lyrics just keep on going around in my head...

"I am reaching - but I fall.
And the stars are black and cold.
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold.

I'll escape now from that world.
From that world of Jean Valjean.
There is nowhere I can turn.
There is no way to go on.

Javert throws himself off the bridge, and into the river at the end of the song.

frillynat81 Sun 30-Dec-12 15:19:25

Hi there, did everyone have a good Christmas? Did you all cope ok? I was okish, no major incidents, I was just anxious.

SirBoobAlot Tue 01-Jan-13 22:36:10

Happy new year to you all, hope 2013 treats you well.

Still constantly thinking of suicide here, driving myself insane, and just want to sob. Supposed to be working tomorrow, and no idea how I am going to get through the day smiling at customers, when at the back of my head the voice is telling me the ways I can kill myself in the shop. I hate it so much.

frillynat81 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:23

I totally understand how that feels boob. Have you any appointments coming up soon to talk over how you are feeling? xx

SirBoobAlot Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:08

Back to group therapy on Monday, one to one will be next Friday. My CPN is away until Monday but might call one of the other group facilitators as my head is spinning. Problem is, I can't really talk with DS around, and by the time he has gone to bed, they have finished.

I have to get a train by myself on Thursday and I don't know whether I trust myself enough to do it. Just want to cry.

Illustrated Sun 06-Jan-13 14:00:30

How is everyone doing?

I cant believe I've gone from feeling ok to feeling so completely broken, I can feel my emotions switching off. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is my daughter. Things are going badly with my DP and I'm quite sure I'm going to end up on my own with no one else around. Part of me doesnt want anyone around, but I know its not healthy and I wish I could be someone different. I would give anything somedays to be a happy, extroverted, fun person. Im just a boring mess. I think I've only ever been confident and impulsive when I've been manic.

I cant get it out of my head that if I died tomorrow I would only have a few people at my funeral. No friends, no family I get along with.

I spend most of the day feeling bitter about how my life could have gone, I'm only young but I feel like my life is over. I really am too frightened to talk to a professional now I have a baby. I've never found anyone that completely understands. I've been having horrible nightmares recently, I dont know how my mind comes up with stuff so dreadfull.

frillynat81 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:13:48

Hi illustrated

I always felt as though no-one understood me when I was at my worst and it was like me against the entire world. But, because you are only young, you have lots of time to change the way you are feeling and have many a happy year left to live.

Maybe you should consider seeking medical advice though... Have you never seen a psychiatrist or cpn before? It really does sound as though you are having a hard time. X

Illustrated Fri 11-Jan-13 01:20:59

Thought I'd bump this to see how you all were doing.

Frillynat, yes I've seen loads of psychiatrists before, about 6 or 7. Only one really helped me and she was a child psychiatrist. The problem is that when I ask to see someone it takes such a long time that by the time it gets to my assessment I will be feeling differently. I just change so much.

I think sometimes I just want a proper conversation with a psychologist. I want to feel like its a take and give relationship and its not like you can ask someone that's assessing your mental health about their life or how they're doing. I lack any close relationships where I could talk to them about anything.

I wish I was less lonely or just FELT less lonely.

frillynat81 Tue 15-Jan-13 19:25:23

well even when you think you're well, the bpd can never seem to leave. I split with my bf who was perfectly nice, its like I can't let myself be happy with someone. feel destined to be alone. I'm worrying that I'm starting to become messed up again and already panicking. I'm sat on a train typing this in tears! think its time to back to the gp...

Illustrated Wed 16-Jan-13 00:25:56

Hope your home relaxing and feeling a bit better now frillynat, sounds like you've had a tough time. Do you have anyone to talk to or something you can do to distract you? I find the only thing that distracts me from feeling overwhelmed is watching a film. Going to the gp sounds like a good idea, I'm trying to build up the courage to go but I change my mind every day about it.

sj2008 Wed 16-Jan-13 18:29:37

I hope you guys don't mind me posting. I have bpd, was diagnosed bipolar 8 years ago after a manic period but then the personality label was added last year. It is very comforting to read other people's experiences, I find it such an isolating illness. It is hard to accept that anyone else might understand how it feels. I struggle with self identity and my sense of self and at 6 months pregnant with little control over my growing body I'm finding things tough. Hope everyone is having a good day and coping ok. X

violetsrblue Thu 17-Jan-13 16:10:45

I had my diagnosis review today - I do have emotionally unstable pd 'traits' - I feel ok about that, it's what I thought anyway, in fact it's a relief and will result in more help. I don't fit the criteria for ptsd as it's currently diagnosed but do apparently have a benzo dependency (crikey). Anyway am currently having cbt which is quite helpful and when that's finished should have some more in depth therapy looking at all the old awful stuff..hope everyone is feeling ok today and staying warm x

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 00:20:13

<waves to everyone>

Tough time here at the moment. However, good news is that the mental health team have suggested I go on to do the second part of the course I'm doing, which I'm pleased about, as feel there is more work still to do.

If any of you can get on to STEPPS, would really advocate it.

frillynat81 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:40:19

illustrated...

Thank you for your words. I'm feeling a bit better now, thank you. I find it very difficult talking to people. The only person that I could totally open up to was my psychiatric nurse whom I've been discharged from. But, I am full of good distraction techniques lol however, they only last for so long don't they? Have yet to ring for a GP appointment. Are you still worried about going to see a GP?

frillynat81 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:46:33

sj2008

Hi there and welcome. Yeah, BPD is very isolating. I've always felt so lonely and like no-one understands me.

There's always people about here if you want to talk or just sound off. We're all in the same boat. xx

weegiemum Argentina Fri 18-Jan-13 18:53:29

I'm just popping in to say hi.

I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but right now I'm so functional that if I was tested wouldn't get the diagnosis, I've had almost 2 years of individual psychotherapy and it's made a massive difference. I'm in a stable relationship (though that's almost 100% down to amazing patient dh), am holding down a job 2 days a week, look after my dc, deal with a serious physical disability.

BPD is shite, but it can be managed. I still have impulse control issues (especially around wine!) but no longer fly into rages or tell elaborate lies.

Cutting my very toxic mother out of my life was the best thing I did to deal with this.

Just being here in solidarity is good. It helps I'm not alone!

frillynat81 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:57:20

violetsareblue - so have you had a 'proper' BPD diagnosis then? I'm glad that you feel a bit better for hearing that though. x

sirboobalot - how are you feeling? I've never really heard about this STEPPS course before.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 19:00:08

Relationships are one of my biggest problem areas. And working out what is 'acceptable', what is not, and then taking the BPD enhancement into account.

For example. I had a fall out with DP on Monday night. I'm struggling to work out how upset it is rational to be, and trying to avoid the familiar pit of ''Why the fuck do I ever both, relationships are pointless'' etc.

That said, he is sending me completely contradicting messages right now. I only told him today about my operation date, have been withholding it from him as a punishment, knew it was silly, but I was upset with him from our fall out.

Grr, bloody head.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 19:26:56

STEPPS is an educational program. It's bloody hard work, but I cannot say how much I have already gained from it.

I'm happy to post some of the course outline / information on here if that would be helpful to people?

Illustrated Fri 18-Jan-13 21:22:02

Hi everyone.

So do you have to meet up in groups for STEPPS? I'm quite shy and tend to want to avoid a lot of social situations, although maybe it wouldn't be too bad as I wouldn't have to have to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

I'm finding the same problem with working out how upset I should be Sirboobalot. My dp seems to be trying to push my buttons on purpose, he does the opposite to what we agree on pretty much every night now. I think he's trying to get me to break it off with him sometimes so people don't look down on him for abandoning his family. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm starting to wonder if I pretend to be happy I might start to feel happy at some point.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 21:40:10

I get very anxious with group situations too, but this has been different because everyone feels the same, and also that the group started off as eight (though only had six maximum who actually turned up) and has now gone down to four. Plus three group facilitators, who are all lovely. You also have a one-on-one session once a week as well, to discuss what has been going on in the group, which is helpful.

Are you able to speak to your DP about things, Illustrated? I struggle knowing if things are actually happening, or if that is how I am reading them, and then make things worse by avoiding discussing things because I don't want to hear anything negative! Sounds like he is being really difficult, that's the last thing you need sad Big un-MN hugs.

violetsrblue Fri 18-Jan-13 21:47:17

Thanks frilly, it's a bit frustrating that he said 'traits', because I'm left thinking, well do I have it or not? But my understanding of is traits = symptoms, so yes. I'm a bit shocked at hearing I have a benzo dependency (sleeping pills). But the labels give a shape to the fog and means I can access therapy. Hope everyone is not feeling too bad tonight x

SirBoobAlot Sun 20-Jan-13 23:45:04

Had a rough weekend emotionally. Popping by to send you all some love, and a hot cup of tea. x

violetsrblue Mon 21-Jan-13 10:17:59

Thanks sirboob, sorry to hear you've had a rough weekend, hoping today is better. x

Have started reducing benzos - gonna do it v v slowly.

frillynat81 Mon 21-Jan-13 10:30:56

morning everyone...

hope you're well and keeping warm.

I'm still building up to phoning for that gp appointment. just can't bring myself to do it.

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