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Borderline Personality Disorder

(420 Posts)
frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:43:13

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

smile x

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 21:33:14

Hey. Take one day at a time, please try and slow down and give yourself some time to feel crap. You are expecting so much from yourself when you are so right you have made incredible progress already.

You are doing so so well, it's not the end of the world if you distance yourself a little bit. You know the paranoia about those close to you lying is not rational and that gives you the upper hand.

Here if you want to talk, pm me if you need a 'safer space'.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 21:34:11

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow.

Problem is, the two people I was closest to, the two people that I could speak honestly to about anything, are the people that have screwed me over. He said he loved me, she was one of my dearest friends. And as much as I am better with them gone, there is still a certain loneliness without either of them being present in my life any more.

My other best friend has been away in studying in another country for two years, though she is home now, and I'm seeing her tomorrow.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 21:37:04

They let you down massively by being the cunts that they were but of course they have left a hole. It's ok to miss them. I'm glad your other friend is around tomorrow and you're seeing your cpn. What are you going to do to geth through tonight?

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 21:46:54

I'm watching the new BBC series "The White Queen". Enjoying it so far, though am going to start throwing things at the screen soon... Ooh, we're okay, Edward's just grown a spine!!!

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 21:54:50

Glad you're able to relax a little bit. Had a bit of a shitty day today myself. Had a rediculous melt down over washing. I have serious issues with washing, OCD sort of obsessiveness about it all being perfect. Today DH left one of those metal flippy lighter thingys in a pocket and it made the whole wash stink of lighter fluid. It was a tumble load and there wasn't enough time to wash it again and get it dried. I was fucking fuming about it. Screamed at him that he ruined it all.

Also I had a load of sheets ready to go away and no room left in my big clear boxes. This is unthinkable, as the cupboard makes things smell like old wood of they aren't boxed. And to me that makes it all dirty.

Cue major door slamming screaming meltdown. Couldn't calm down for about 2 hours. Even I can't work out why the washing is so fucking important, and why it makes me feel like that if it's not perfect.

I have serious issues over it and will have panic attacks if I think it's not going to dry right or I think there is a smell that is going to contaminate it. I seriously can't explain it.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 22:01:29

You don't need to explain it to me, or to anyone here. That's the beauty of having friends who have mental health issues too.

I wish I could make it all easier for you, all I can say is try and think rationally where you can, accept it when you can't, and remember that right now you are going to be more emotionally anyway. Big hugs. xx

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 22:08:10

Really wish I could make things a million times easier for you too. I know I don't have to explain but I wish I could understand it just a little bit! Then maybe I would have a hope of sorting it out.

Sending you all the unmumsnetty hugs in the world back. I'm going to bed, will check back in tomorrow xx

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 22:11:21

Yeah I understand. Get some sleep, hopefully things will feel better in the morning. Thinking of you smile

SirBoobAlot Mon 17-Jun-13 23:52:28

Not holding it together tonight. A few things have come to light, am sobbing in bed, and just really hating the world.

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 18-Jun-13 01:11:29

Me either. DH is in hospital, had to have surgery. Sorry if I'm not on here for a while. :'(

Oh, sirboob, from what I've read there must be a non-contraceptive reason why you are on hormonal contraceptives but seriously, whenever I've taken the pill or the injection or the mini-pill, it's turned me into a frigging loon! So if possible, could you stop taking it, presuming it's the pill?
I know there is other stuff going on too.
My anxiety has been major major over the past couple of days but I went to my group spiritual healing thing today and I feel so much better.
I reckon it's the intense meditation as opposed to the healing but it does leave me feeling amazingly calm.

floramckitchen Wed 19-Jun-13 20:09:21

SirBoob - I hope you're ok. What's come to light? I am so sorry you are having a bad time . There isn't much I can do to help but hand hold on here.

You seem to be such a bright intelligent person with so much knowledge and helpful advice for all of us its a shame I can't return the favour in quite the same way.

Have things improved a little bit for you since Monday?

SirBoobAlot Thu 20-Jun-13 00:01:27

Well so far this week has been crap - the rest of it better improve!!! Spent last night in a&e after being in a ridiculous amount of pain following a routine vaginal examination. Got home at 3am - they did two more VEs whilst I was there, and I came home in more pain than I went in.

I'm going on strike wink

floramckitchen Thu 20-Jun-13 20:56:24

Oh SirB that sounds bloody horrible! How do you feel now? Why so much pain? Maybe some damage during the examination??

You really don't deserve all this shit ! I hope you are feeling better soon and don't you dare go on strike.

x

floramckitchen Thu 20-Jun-13 21:15:47

Oh joy ! Just seen a picture of dd on facebook having a tattoo today!

No wonder she's been quiet - a fine waste of ESA money that is!

I think I've finally run out of understanding .Had enough now

SirBoobAlot Thu 20-Jun-13 23:28:16

As much as it's hard Flora, you need to find more. Driving her away, even if you disagree with a choice such a tattoo, will simply confirm the insecurities she has, and encourage her fear of abandonment.

Ended up at the hospital again today. Started bleeding this afternoon, not due on my period for two weeks, and was in a lot of pain again. Went to GP as was told on Tuesday night to do so if I started to bleed, he began to examine me, saw how much pain I was in and sent me up to gynecology. Saw a gynecologist and a registrar, had a tans-vaginal ultrasound; I still have no answers sad have been referred for a full scan (as an OOH scan doesn't stay on record for some freaking reason) and then back to my gynecologist. The team are very nice, and they were really lovely, but I am so tired of dealing with health problems now. Seem to see a different department every week; psychiatry, gynecology, neurology... It's utterly exhausting.

floramckitchen Fri 21-Jun-13 13:50:16

You sound like you have been having a very rough time of it SirB! Gynae problems are exhausting on their own without everything else you have to cope with. Lets hope they have a diagnosis for you soon and can start fixing the problem .Are you resting as much as poss and eating ok ? Try and be kind to yourself. Maybe someone can watch your little boy for a couple of hours while you have a rest. Shame I can't pop round!

I have calmed down a bit after the tattoo incident. I spoke to dd on the phone (she is staying with her boyfriend for a couple of days)and I just said that she is over 18 and if a tattoo makes her happy and she likes it then that's ok. I didn't rant or rave. She just wanted reassurance that I still loved her I think. Course I bloody do.

I have a day off work today so I am about to go to Asda. Such a glamorous life I lead.

Take care

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 21-Jun-13 17:53:20

Hi sorry I havent posted in a while. I tried my best to look after DH at home but he was getting worse and worse. I went up to the doctors to beg them for more painkillers for him but they told me I had to get him there to be checked over.

I managed to get him there and he collapsed. The doctor then had a go at me for bringing him there and called an ambulance. He's now back in hospital and isn't going to be coming home for days. There's a chance he's going to need more surgery and I'm really scared :'(

I tried so hard to look after him and I feel like iv completely failed him. His body is so weak hes not recovering properly and the drugs they are giving him aren't working.

I can't cope with being in our home without him and I don't know how much longer i can keep going like this. Iv barely slept in 5 days and my body is exhausted. I'm so worried about the effect this is having on the baby, and I'm terrified of going into early labour because of it all. All I can see are the worst case scenarios and I am so tired i can't rein in my thoughts.

Sirboob I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The poking and prodding associated with gyne stuff is something I have always struggled to deal with. I really really hope you get some answers soon. With mine and dh's combined problems I feel like I have spent a stupid amount of time in medical/psychiatric appointments etc over the years. It's really hard to cope with sometimes.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 21-Jun-13 17:56:46

Hi sorry I havent posted in a while. I tried my best to look after DH at home but he was getting worse and worse. I went up to the doctors to beg them for more painkillers for him but they told me I had to get him there to be checked over.

I managed to get him there and he collapsed. The doctor then had a go at me for bringing him there and called an ambulance. He's now back in hospital and isn't going to be coming home for days. There's a chance he's going to need more surgery and I'm really scared :'(

I tried so hard to look after him and I feel like iv completely failed him. His body is so weak hes not recovering properly and the drugs they are giving him aren't working.

I can't cope with being in our home without him and I don't know how much longer i can keep going like this. Iv barely slept in 5 days and my body is exhausted. I'm so worried about the effect this is having on the baby, and I'm terrified of going into early labour because of it all. All I can see are the worst case scenarios and I am so tired i can't rein in my thoughts.

Sirboob I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The poking and prodding associated with gyne stuff is something I have always struggled to deal with. I really really hope you get some answers soon. With mine and dh's combined problems I feel like I have spent a stupid amount of time in medical/psychiatric appointments etc over the years. It's really hard to cope with sometimes.

SirBoobAlot Fri 28-Jun-13 23:43:52

Sorry for being absent. Couldn't access MN for a week for some reason confused

Have had a tough week.

Big hugs, Heffa, how is he now?

SirBoobAlot Thu 04-Jul-13 23:42:16

Fuck all this shit. It just keeps getting worse.

UnicornCentaur Sun 07-Jul-13 21:39:10

Hi SirBoob - hadn't seen this until now. How are you doing??

SirBoobAlot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:57:35

I've been better, to be honest. Trying to bounce back. Had a great, busy, weekend, made sure I had every moment filled. But the feelings are still creeping in.

Know it's been a really hard few weeks and it will take a long time to be okay... But yeah. It's hard.

SirBoobAlot Mon 08-Jul-13 23:13:00

And it's all going down hill again. I'm fucking everything up.

UnicornCentaur Tue 09-Jul-13 00:22:36

I am sure you aren't, you are trying to cope with something that is hard. You feel bad but you managed to keep busy - I know thats not easy when you feel like shit.

big hug

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