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Borderline Personality Disorder

(420 Posts)
frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:43:13

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

smile x

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:49

Hahaha that's a good plan.

I'm stressed. Feel overwhelmed by life in general today I think. WIll be able to write it off and start again in half hour, at least.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 00:06:52

I'm having one of those nights where you replay every bad thing you have ever done time again.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 01:41:33

And I can't fucking sleep. Know I've made progress over the last few years, but tonight it is too much.

I'm trying to work out whether I am reeling from everything that has gone wrong in the last weeks, or if having started on hormonal contraceptives for the first time in years is starting to have a negative effect. I really hope it's not the latter sad

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 09:51:59

Oh no sad so sorry I fell asleep, hope you managed to get some in the end too. The past is the past, I'm trying to learn to let go of all the cunty shitty things iv done and move forwards, but I know it's not easy.

Unfortunately no matter how much progress we make there will always be nights like that, you just can't let them swallow you. More than likely you are reeling from the last few weeks, you have been through hell sad but if it is the contraceptive, you can wait and see if things even out and if not you can always stop it.

Sending you hugs and really hoping you are feeling a bit more stable today.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 17:05:23

Sorry for ranting last night. I got about three hours sleep, I think.

I think it is everything from the last few weeks, I'm just being impatient with myself to get over it. Need to be kinder to myself.

How are you?

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 17:24:03

If you can't rant here where can you rant? Isn't that what mn is for? smile

Yes that is exactly what you need to do! It's been a tough few weeks, try to be as understanding as if it were a friend in your situation. You wouldn't expect them to bounce back so quickly would you?

I'm ok, bit of a tiff with DH because he felt the need to have a staring contest with cunt face neighbour. This will have pissed him off which is not a good thing.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 17:39:39

Yeah saw your thread - are you okay?

Said to my friend earlier that I was upset, and she told me she wasn't surprised, that I'd just been massively fucked over, and I needed to be okay with struggling right now. It's set me back trusting people again, and I'm worried I'm going to screw things up with this new guy before they even really get off the ground.

That said, I still haven't self harmed or drunk excessively. I have just spent £15 on a box set, but that was birthday money, so I'm not spending too much right now either... Always the first impulsive behavior to kick back in when I;m slipping, I've noticed.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 17:44:24

Yea I'm ok, got in a real panic about it earlier, but calmed down now. DH sent me an appology over text for being an arse about it which is nice.

Your friend is spot on. Just give yourself some time smile

Ooh new guy? (nosy emoticon)

floramckitchen Fri 14-Jun-13 20:12:15

Hi SirBoob and Heffa - Mum is apparently ok to come home, she had all the tests and ECG etc etc and everything is fine. She was getting palpitations which I think developed into a panic attack so because of her history (2 heart attacks and a four week stay in ICU!) my dad thought it best to take her straight to a&e. What a relief!

SirB - I sometimes say to my dd that because she has bpd it doesn't mean that all her reactions and behaviour in difficult and negative situations is down to the bpd. Sometimes she is reacting in a totally understandable way to upsetting situations - its allowed!

I must admit my dd didn't seem to care too much about her poorly nan. She is always so wrapped up in her own dramas. It upsets me that she cant even show an interest although I know I have to make allowances because she is ill too. However, I'm not made of stone and and feel like I must not show my feelings at all. Its hard to keep it all inside.

Its a difficult job being a mum - I just want to take all the pain away and its painful for me when I realise I can't do that.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 20:22:10

Flora have you thought of finding a forum for mental health sufferers families? I wonder if you might find the support you need by talking to others in the same situation as you are? Obviously we understand bpd, but I just feel other family members of those with bpd/ mental health issues might be better to support you with dealing with your daughter as they will know just what you are going through?

Glad your mum is out of hospital and doing well.

floramckitchen Fri 14-Jun-13 20:35:26

Good idea Heffa ! I will give that a try and see what happens.

Thanks for your good wishes about my mum. Dad has bought her yet another handbag to make her feel better !

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 22:11:35

Could i just say one thing about your daughters reaction to your mum being poorly? I could be completely wrong here, but I wanted to give you a different possibility.

As I'm sure you are aware, people with borderline feel negative emotions as intensely painful and unbearable. I have a close relationship with my nan, but before I worked on my tolerance of negative emotions, I would disappear when she probably needed me the most. When she was ill I would not be able to cope with it, would find it so scary and upsetting that I would distance myself. It may have looked to others as though I didn't care, but I actually cared too much and it was too painful to cope with seeing her ill.

Your daughter could just be wrapped up in what's going on in her life, but it might not necessarily be so?

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 23:22:24

I was about to say the same as Heffa. Whenever I cared too much, my immediate reaction is to be blank. Utterly emotionless. And then three days down the line, I would explode to the point of wanting to die because we had run out of orange juice.

Just because she isn't sobbing hysterically doesn't mean she's not hurting; Borderlines tend to feel two emotions, extreme or numb.

And, with respect, if you are keeping your own feelings inside, that sends the message to her that she should too. Sometimes it's okay to cry in front of people, and as young people, you learn from example.

My friend came over tonight, we ordered take out and watched a film smile It was good. Tired now though, and have such a busy day tomorrow.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 23:49:04

That sounds like just what the dr ordered.

I'm having a good night too. I have started feeling the baby move from the outside! It's absolutely awesome :D

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 23:50:32

Aww that's so wonderful!! <broody>

I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter, love it when I see antenatal mums, and see their tummy moving!!

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 23:53:48

I was worried that my flabby tummy would stop me feeling her from the outside for ages, but apparently not :D Actually saw my belly move for the first time today too. I reckon she's had a growth spurt :D sometimes I really really love being pregnant smile

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 23:56:10

Aww... Okay so now I'm missing being pregnant!!!

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 15-Jun-13 00:01:24

Sorry!! Would you like to have any more babies in the future?

SirBoobAlot Sat 15-Jun-13 00:20:50

They don't think I will be able to. I have gyne problems... Only discovered when DS was two, actually, so as much as it was scary timing when I did fall pregnant (at 17), I am so glad it happened when it did now... Basically I have PCOS, suspected endo, and had a very large dermoid cyst removed from my left ovary, where the tube was also twisted very tightly. They don't know how much damage was done to the ovary, I came very close to loosing it. Cyst also ruptured during surgery. And that is actually the better of my two ovaries!

My pain levels are horrendous, my periods are erratic, and it's not known how my physical health conditions would cope even if I did manage to conceive. My health has deteriorated over the last few years, so I don't know if I would manage.

Seems sad that those have to be my first thoughts. Ideally yes, I'd love another baby at some point down the line. But I have come to accept that that probably will not happen. I'll wait 30 years and be the most amazing grandmother instead wink

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 15-Jun-13 00:43:11

Just quickly before I go to bed. Really sorry I asked an insensitive question. I'm so glad you have ds and got the opportunity to be a mummy.

I have pcos too and at the scan to look for it the incredibly tactless sonographer told me it was really really bad and I would be lucky to ever conceive naturally. I pretty much came to terms with the fact it might never happen so can feel your pain to some extent.

I'm sorry your health has deteriorated so much, you seem to have an awful lot on your plate sad

Right bed for me before i fall over from exhaustion.

SirBoobAlot Sat 15-Jun-13 00:51:08

No it wasn't insensitive! I'm not upset or anything; really, it's fine. People ask all the time, I just don't see the point in giving a lie as my answer. Another flaw of BPD wink I forget when to lie socially sometimes...

What a shitty sonographer. FWIW they can't ever really tell how severe things are until they actually look inside - and they tend not to do that 'just' for PCOS. And hey, look, they were wrong smile They warned me to prepare for all possibilities at the last operation... I was convinced I would wake up with it all having been removed. Thankfully that wasn't the case. That time.

I do, I guess. BPD, M.E., PCOS, chronic migraine, then all the suspected ones; endo, fibro, hypermobility, PTSD... Ahhh what I'd give for a holiday from myself sometimes haha!!!

floramckitchen Sat 15-Jun-13 20:05:23

Its interesting - dd had a meltdown this morning because a dress that she wanted online had gone up £4 ! Now I realise that wasn't an over reaction but a delayed reaction !

We went out this afternoon to get shoes and stuff for a wedding we are going to soon. Mine are sensible navy blue courts and dd's are bright green suede platform wedges (think TOWIE)! They do look amazing though. Also bought dd a lovely dress which happened to have long sleeves so she is a happy girl at the mo. I can even hear her singing in her bedroom.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 00:03:05

Delayed reactions, and 'misplaced' reactions are very common. Often Borderlines themselves struggle to identify exactly why they're so angry that the shop has run out of orange peppers, or they can't find two matching socks. It takes a little while to understand how the process works mentally, but once you understand it, it makes life a lot easier.

I had a great night out at a concert, though am bloody knackered now.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 20:26:01

How are we all doing?

I've realised the last few weeks I've started closing myself off from everyone again, and am picking at everything that people are saying, to detect if they're lying to me or not. FFS. All the work I've done on myself to trust people more has been completely set back. I know it's not forever, and I'll manage it... But it sucks. So fragile right now, and am getting pissed off about it.

Thinking logically, I need to recognise the progress that I've made, in the last year especially. If this had happened two years ago, I would have ended up sectioned, and covered in stitches, possibly with the delights of drinking yet more charcoal (seriously, the memory of that taste - and vomiting it back up afterwards - is enough to put me off ever ODing again...), unable to cope with it all. So, whilst it all hurts like fuck, my life feels like a mess, I'm itching to do something stupid, I'm struggling trusting even those people closest to me, I'm having flashbacks... I'm still here. Still here. Still intact. Still out of hospital. Admittedly my house is a real mess, but I did do some cleaning today.

floramckitchen Sun 16-Jun-13 21:03:38

Oh SirB - I'm so sorry you are having a hard time today and you are right when you say you need to recognise your progress. Can you talk to anyone in RL? best friend or mum ? so that you can talk it out. But only if that would help of course.

You sound like you could do with a big hugx

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