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Borderline Personality Disorder

(420 Posts)
frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:43:13

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

smile x

UnicornCentaur Sat 16-Mar-13 01:29:20

mine have been quite similar recently and really.unable.to settle and concentrate. like I always have to be moving. I suppose because I am prone to doing reckless things and can be unnaturally happy thats where the bipolar thing came from. Having read about BPD im sure.the psychiatrist is right as many of my moods, while they might be intense, last.hours to days.rather than days to weeks. That said im not entirely convince that.there isn't some kind of mood disorder there too... but I cant understand it so diagnosing myself is useless!

I am a bloody nightmare with my medication sad. I do occasionally become paranoid and decide that theres a conspiracy going on and the ADs are what makes me ill. I stop taking them and eventually become this irrational ball of rage and despair. I hate everyone and am convinced that they secretly hate me too and that I have no real friends. if anyone sticks their head above the.parapet I am a real bitch. then it just goes (or someone manages to guilt me back on ADs) and when people tell me what im like i know its true but it doesnt seem like me.

My current doctor said that she was sorry to tell me.that noone really knows.how to treat BPD but therapy.seemed to work better than medication. I really hope she changes her mind because things arent working but I have no idea what I want her to do. I think id get much further if I saw someone a bit more . regularly than 4 times a year.

I would ask for.a second opinion but they sent me.to see the hospital psychiatrist before and they decided I needed sedating on a daily basis! I wrote a stroppy letter discharging myself and don't want to go back there.

I think I've waffled...

frillynat81 Sat 16-Mar-13 09:20:53

you are not waffling! i think it's safe to say we are all here to listen whether we go on or not, but what you are saying makes perfect sense.

i don't think bpd is an easy thing to treat, your doctor is right there but that doesn't mean that you aren't going to have a good life with stability. i went for a long time where i was pretty much symptom free and i never saw any doctors for around a year and a bit so it is doable. everyone will have their blips, it's the same with any mental health problem isn't it?

i think that medication can help if you are willing to persevere to find the right combination for you. i take a combination of anti depressants, anti convulsants as a mood stabiliser and beta blockers for anxiety. it took a long time for me to find what worked, talking a good few years and that was before i got the bpd diagnosis when my old shrink was just treating my symptoms.

i don't blame you for not wanting to go and get a 2nd opinion though if that's what happened to you, that's horrible and i'm sorry to hear that.

do you have any children? and do you mind me asking how open you are about your condition?

UnicornCentaur Sat 16-Mar-13 16:17:42

I don't have any children and I am fairly open with my family.and my close friends. I think others know something is not.quite right but obviously not what!

UnicornCentaur Sun 17-Mar-13 21:22:56

how was your weekend. frilly?

frillynat81 Sun 17-Mar-13 22:00:56

unicorn - my weekend was fine thanks, yours? no major blips or issues here smile

frillynat81 Wed 20-Mar-13 12:15:53

Anyone about today???

UnicornCentaur Wed 20-Mar-13 15:05:51

I am and Im v bored at work

how are you.today?

DolomitesDonkey Thu 21-Mar-13 11:23:28

Unicorn I have been free from a diagnosis of BPD for 5 years now. I had intensive "Schema Therapy" devised and perfected in Manhatten and Maastricht by Jeffrey Young. It works.

Please ask your doctor to investigate further.

Were you able to get that on the NHS Dolomites? I've heard good things about it but it isn't available in my area.

DolomitesDonkey Fri 22-Mar-13 10:50:00

Sorry, I missed your response yesterday - I wasn't deliberately ignoring you! smile

No, it wasn't on the NHS - however it was available on the health service of the country I was living in at the time - it was really down to pure luck that I was living in one of the few places (at the time!) who did it. My diagnosis was back in 2002 and as I finished the programme I was told that it had evolved greatly and was now having even better results with group sessions and the programme will now last approximately a year - it may well have been refined since though.

The "problem" I believe is that the NHS will only fund 6 sessions of psychotherapy (is that true?) - and those of you who are BPD know very well that in 6 sessions you are nowhere near actually opening up and telling the "truth" to a complete stranger - no matter WHAT type of therapy it is!

However, because it's done in groups - would you dare approach a psychologist and propose group sessions at a reduced rate and/or to be guinea pigs?

I suppose the irony is that the NHS will quite happily dole out anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and lithium for the next 50 years of your life. <sign>

No, that isn't actually true - people who have low level depression/anxiety are usually seen through IAPT, and that tends to be 6 sessions of CBT. If you're seen by the CMHT, or other secondary mental health services you can get more than that, but it tends to be a bit of a postcode lottery, so for eg in some areas of the country you can get proper DBT, or schema therapy or MBT etc, whereas in others it is CBT or CAT if you're lucky.

SirBoobAlot Wed 22-May-13 23:00:14

Hi all. I'm reviving a dead thread, sorry!!

I've been well and truly fucked over by life in the last twenty four hours. BPD has reared it's ugly head again. All the symptoms I'd been controlling so well are suddenly back. I'm still in reasonable control, thinking pragmatically, but this situations sucks, and I'm struggling.

Know this thread has been asleep for two months now, but you guys are the only people I know will understand why having your trust betrayed is such a big thing.

UnicornCentaur Thu 23-May-13 02:19:10

well im glad you've poked it awake!

I hope you feel better, im sure all off us know how bad it is to feel like you do.

I am awake a stupid o'clock because my brain won't turn off. One of my friends is choosing to do something very selfish and illegal and I have rage that won't go away. Everyone says its my BPD making things black and white and although what she is doing is wrong I need to chill.

UnicornCentaur Thu 23-May-13 02:19:58

if you want to chat I'll reply here or PM me

SirBoobAlot Thu 23-May-13 10:45:47

Do you want to share any details Unicorn? I see things very black and white sometimes too, though I getting better at letting in the grey.

My trust has been completely violated, by two of the people I trusted most, and on the anniversary of my assault as well... However. Am trying to find a positive in this, and see it as a test of my new skills when it comes to managing my illness. Instead of feeling "Fucking hell, I should never trust anyone again!", I'm thinking, "Wow these two fucked me over. I can never trust them again!". Still slightly black and white, but given the circumstances, that's understandable. And I'm separating the individuals which is something I don't normally do.

Grow, change, move upwards, etc smile

How are you?

UnicornCentaur Fri 24-May-13 15:07:49

hi SirBoob

the details don't matter and are very specific so I would.out myself to anyone in RL.

You should be really proud of yourself. I think I have been in a similar situation and I tend to go for self destruct. I know I need to move.past it but I haven't managed to yet. it seems to adfect me worse when its a trust thing. I guess I'll get there one day.

SirBoobAlot Thu 30-May-13 23:40:39

Sorry for slow reply, have closed myself off from the world for a few days.

<hugs> regardless of details. I hope you're okay.

Trust is a big issue for me. And tonight I am struggling really badly. I know that I'm better off without them in my life, if this is how they are treating me, but it still fucking hurts. Having lost two people I thought cared about me so much, and having been badly hurt in the long run...

I'm not quite in physical self destruct, but I am withdrawing from everyone slightly. Guess those barriers are going back up.

GracieLoo Fri 31-May-13 09:11:56

Hi just wanted to join this thread as found out I had a diagnosis of bpd this year, although been struggling with mental health issues for years, and I don't know anyone else who has this so feel quite alone.

I hate it, it's ruining my life, and I don't know how to control it. It's affecting relationships so I feel alone most of the time, and rejected. But when people try to get close I push them away.

Sorry other people struggle too, but would like to share experience and coping strategies etc. Also how do you get treated by mh professionals, and what meds are you on?

Hope everyone is ok today.

SirBoobAlot Fri 31-May-13 10:21:23

Hi Gracie smile Welcome!

I've found that being as aware of my illness as possible is a good starting point to controlling it. There are a few books that have been utterly fabulous. Coping strategies, I have mainly focused on distancing.

As for how you get treated, this varies from case to case. How were you diagnosed?

I'm not on any medication now apart from the occasional diazapam. Have been on various anti depressants and anti psychotics over the years however.

The problem with medications and BPD is that the mood swings are so sudden and drastic, that unless you are on a mood stabilizer, they can be ineffective. Obviously if you have co-morbid conditions, they can be useful to combat those.

For BPD, the most recommended treatments are CAT, DBT and, most recently, STEPPS. The latter is specifically diagnosed for BPD, and I'm sure everyone else is tired of my ranting about how wonderful it has been, but it really has changed my life smile

Welcome again, and know that you're safe here!

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 31-May-13 11:23:13

Hi... Tentatively putting a toe into the thread. I'm not very good at talking about my bpd... It's caused so many problems in my life I'm pretty ashamed of it to be honest.. But I think talking to others with it might help. Thanks for telling me about the thread sirboobalot, I thought more about it last night and decided to come on over. So yea... Hello!

SirBoobAlot Fri 31-May-13 22:29:06

One of the advantages of being surrounded by other BPD sufferers is that everyone understands those feelings smile

I need to rant. You have all been warned...

So I posted the other week about this thing that had happened. Well, what actually happened was this: I found out that the man I was with was not only fucking half of the country, but also his flat mate, my friend, who lied to me outright about anything ever happening between them, and also about where he was all the times I was feeling suspicious. He knew all of my triggers and all of my weaknesses, she knew all the times I was feeling vulnerable. They've screwed me over - and screwed each other.

Logically I know I'm better without the pair of them out of my life, if this is what they are like, but I can't help but mourn the loss of the two close relationships I thought I had. I was incredibly low and symptomatic last night / this morning. Tonight I'm simply feeling impulsive.

People really are fucks.

It also gets 'better'. I returned the last of his stuff to him last Sunday - in public - and he has tried to not only turn me into the bad guy, but he lied to my face, and then, just to top it off, suggested that maybe I was over reacting because of my illness. How can you get someone so wrong? Feel like a fucking idiot.

/ here endth the rant.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 09:53:59

You are definitely not the idiot, they are cold hearted cunts from the sound of it. Do bpds attract fucking arseholes?? Until I met DH every bloke I was with cheated on me and iv pretty much lost every friend iv ever had so I know the feeling of mourning the loss of relationships.

I recently ended a friendship because the person was a fucking using damaging piece of shit and she had the cheek to say when I had 'got over this crazy patch' that I would realise what a good friend I had lost. I can honestly say I was feeling more stable than I had in ages and I haven't missed her one bit. It was the right thing to do. It's funny how people will use your illness to justify the fucking shitty things they do to you, or make it seem like you are over reacting. How can you have over reacted about what these arseholes have done? In what universe is that ok?? So sorry sirboobalot sad

SirBoobAlot Sat 01-Jun-13 10:11:30

Jesus, Heffa, I'd have lost my shit angry Sounds like you're better off without her in your life. And well done you for staying so stable during a tough time smile

Cold hearted cunts about covers it, I think. And I think there certainly is something to be said about Borderlines and relationships; not that we attract arseholes, but that there are sick twisted arseholes out there who notice a 'weakness' and prey on it. Because they're fuckers. Sounds like you have a good one with your DH thought smile

I'll be okay. It just sets me back after all the progress I've made with trusting people, relationships, black and white thinking... Gah. Thankfully I am able to see how many genuinely wonderful friends I do have around me at the moment, though it's not easy. I'd been seeing him for 18 months. He'd met my DS, we'd been on a 'family' holiday... Found out that three weeks before this holiday he was having a foursome, including the flat mate sad

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 11:10:47

What a piece of shit. You are definitely better off without that man whore and the female whore flat mate. Some people just can't keep their pants on no matter who it hurts. In my opinion they must be seriously flawed individuals to be able to do that to you, something not quite right in their heads for their concience not to say that's an awful way to behave. I never quite understand how people can deceive others like that and not even care. confused

You are preaching to the choir about trust and black and white thinking. Me and DH had been together for about 4 years before I realised that my absolute assumption that he was going to cheat on me and leave me may not have been correct. Until that point every single time he went out I was 100% convinced that he would meet someone else, realise that they were a better option and leave. Simple as that. He's a man, men cheat and leave. I was honestly surprised each time he came home. But there actually are decent ones out there I promise, he can't be the only one.

So glad you have good friends around you, good relationships can be 100 times more healing than bad ones can be damaging sometimes.

GracieLoo Sat 01-Jun-13 12:21:15

Just wanted to add my bit about crap relationships. Don't wish it on anyone but nice to know I'm not alone with this. I never seem to find anyone who wants to settle down with me. When I was younger I used to sleep about a bit, with blokes who showed me a bit of attention. I then dated a couple, but used to get called high maintenance. When I eventually had a long term bf who I lived with, he actually put me down a lot then eventually cheated on me. I was devastated.

Since then I have gone from one short relationship to another. I think it's going well, I don't think I do anything wrong. Used to be clingy but not anymore. I just then get a text saying it's over, with all the break up excuses they use. I get told I'm attractive, friendly and good company (not that I believe any of that), but I'm always on my own. I can't deal with anymore rejection, I'm gutted. And each time it happens I hate myself more and the self-destruction increases. I also get embarrassed and haven't told anyone about the recent rejection, they think I'm still seeing him.

Sorry to have gone on about me, SirBoob and Heffalump, sorry you've been treated badly too. Do you think we attract the wrong sorts, or is it us and the bpd?

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