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Self-inflicted misery

(52 Posts)

I've managed to get myself into a complete state by being a prat and reducing my medication without medical advice. Whoop, go me. hmm. I'm on max doses of a mood stabiliser and an anti-psychotic. Problem is that since going back to work the anti-P made me too zonked to get through a day at work, so I cleverly decided to reduce the dose. I reckoned that so long as I didn't piss around with the mood stabiliser, I'd be OK reducing the anti-P. <hollow laugh>

It worked very well and the more I reduced it, the better my output. However, so cheered was I with my success, instead of stopping at a reasonable dose, I kept cutting it until I was taking 1/6 of my prescribed dose.
Strangely, the week after reducing to that level I started to feel out of sorts, ending with being utterly suicidal by the end of the week and back under the Crisis team. <face palm>

While I'm probably sounding very rational, I've had a week of depersonalisation, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, have walked to and from the bridge I was obsessed with during my last low period but have talked myself our of jumping off. I can't string a sentence together, have been a lousy mother and have no desire to do anything other than sit in my bed and ignore the world. It woudn't be so bad if I didn't know that its my own fault for being an arse.

Its scary shit this MH malarky. Its a very fine line between being well and jumping off a bridge. Who knew that 500mg a night is what keeps me going. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to April when I was really ill and just have ended it then so I didn't have to keep going through this bollocks, but then I remember the whole family and children thing and keep on going again.

Meds, not mess. Fucking autocorrect. Predicts cunting without any fuss, but not meds. Huh.

I'm so up and down today. This afternoon, I just felt so damned resentful of having to do the right thing by my family. It's not their fault. Then I take the tranquillisers and the world is bearable again. I hope my proper mess -you know, the ones I shouldn't have fucked around with - start to kick in soon, so I can stop being such a grumpy unreasonable cow.

Hijack away. Sorry to hear that it all got a bit much. You're doing so well though so stay positive. x

No, not an accident, ho hum.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Keema! Hope you are ok today?

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Sat 22-Dec-12 11:16:22

Was it an accident fluffy, or..? Hugs either way.

I had a slip up today (stitches in ankle) so am generally very gloomy that I couldn't ride this out.

You are do amazingly to stay safe and stay home smile

I can't bare to type next year because I have got a bit odd about odd numbers but yes, 2012 has been horrific so the next must surely be better!

Backatcha fluffy. Neither of us has had a good year have we?

Well its only days now until cunting 2012 (for that is its name) will be over and we can look forward to a healthy New Year without trying to harm ourselves or do ourselves in.

I'll be around to listen to you if it doesn't go to plan though. smile

It is shit isn't it? I am waiting for some new meds to kick in and it is a slow process.

I suppose thinking of it as a stop gap helps - you are taking them until the other meds kick in, and you know they will because they have in the past.

Those feelings of doom are grim as is the been there done that feeling, very frustrating, lots of sympathies.

also, I can't keep on taking so many tranquilisers as they are only a short term measure. I need to know that when I stop taking them, I will still be able to get on with life.

Its a funny old situation at the moment though fluffy. While the diazepam is working, I feel fine. Absolutely fine. As soon as it wears off I am back into the pit of doom and as its doom, I think there's no point in taking the diazepam as its pointless.

But its xmas, and I have small children, so I can't wallow, so I take more diazepam and then wonder what the heck I was getting so stressed about.

I really hope my other meds kick in soon. If it hadn't have been xmas I strongly suspect that they would have admitted me somewhere, even though there was no space locally. I need to be back at work in Jan, earning my crust. Not back as an inpatient and fucking over my job and family again.

Pleased you are feeling a little bit better Keema smile

I only watched the first episode of homeland, but it's interesting to know that it depicts someone with bipolar. I may take a look now.

Today has been a better day. Sure, it's involved lots of tranquillisers, but it's the first day in over a week that I've not actually wanted to die. Result! smile

MulledPinot Fri 21-Dec-12 11:47:04

BP is an atrocious cunt, innit.

Carrie on Homeland has bi-polar. Do you watch it? Is it an accurate reflection of it? It made me cry when i watched it - she was so vulnerable during her high (and of course during the lows). Thought it was brave of them to make a kick-arse Tv character so flawed, like the rest of us mere humans.

Part of the arse of bipolar is that the highs are so alluring and tempting. Of course my bipolar is a miserable bastard who instead of giving me a lovely high when I reduced my meds instead sent me into a downward spiral. Huh.

MulledPinot Fri 21-Dec-12 11:32:54

xpost

OMG so not a pillock. It takes real strength to deal with MH/depression. Real strength. That's why it's so fucking exhausting, and also I suspect why it's so hard to talk about as one just doesn't want to bloody deal with it verbally as well as in the head.

MulledPinot Fri 21-Dec-12 11:31:15

Good news that today is better. Tomorrow will be too. I think it's quite normal (and perhaps even healthy) to feel anger and massively pissed off at having depression. I don't have it as bad as you do, but I still resent being dependent on pills. I too have tried to lower my dose without GP consent. That did not go well <ahem> But it's just a part of who I am, who you are, and so you get plough on rattling with pills all the while

Keep going, yeah? smile

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Fri 21-Dec-12 11:30:25

You're not a pillock, you're human.

Yes I have a good supply of everything I need over the xmas period, and yes I will take them. I really don't want to fuck up my life by being a pillock again.

helpyourself Fri 21-Dec-12 11:08:30

Are you going to be allright for meds over Christmas? Today's the day to get a script and get it filled.

thanks

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Fri 21-Dec-12 11:02:33

grin

See sometimes being crazy has its up points. I'm sure a lot of 'normal' people would love to be dosed up at Christmas wink I collected my meds yesterday. Ahh...

Well today dawns as a brighter day. Mainly, I suspect, becasue they've doubled my dose of diazepam. I think they're hoping that by the time I run out of tablets, I will be better again and will have pulled out of the stupid shitty fucking bollocks depression again.

On the bright side, christmas with my family is going to be nice and mellow for the first time ever grin.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Thu 20-Dec-12 22:17:47

Keema sad Hope you are feeling a little better now.

I've been better Pinot tbh. I am not covering myself in glory thats for sure.

MulledPinot Thu 20-Dec-12 17:21:01

How are you today, Keema?

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