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Self-inflicted misery

(52 Posts)

I've managed to get myself into a complete state by being a prat and reducing my medication without medical advice. Whoop, go me. hmm. I'm on max doses of a mood stabiliser and an anti-psychotic. Problem is that since going back to work the anti-P made me too zonked to get through a day at work, so I cleverly decided to reduce the dose. I reckoned that so long as I didn't piss around with the mood stabiliser, I'd be OK reducing the anti-P. <hollow laugh>

It worked very well and the more I reduced it, the better my output. However, so cheered was I with my success, instead of stopping at a reasonable dose, I kept cutting it until I was taking 1/6 of my prescribed dose.
Strangely, the week after reducing to that level I started to feel out of sorts, ending with being utterly suicidal by the end of the week and back under the Crisis team. <face palm>

While I'm probably sounding very rational, I've had a week of depersonalisation, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, have walked to and from the bridge I was obsessed with during my last low period but have talked myself our of jumping off. I can't string a sentence together, have been a lousy mother and have no desire to do anything other than sit in my bed and ignore the world. It woudn't be so bad if I didn't know that its my own fault for being an arse.

Its scary shit this MH malarky. Its a very fine line between being well and jumping off a bridge. Who knew that 500mg a night is what keeps me going. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to April when I was really ill and just have ended it then so I didn't have to keep going through this bollocks, but then I remember the whole family and children thing and keep on going again.

I'm so up and down today. This afternoon, I just felt so damned resentful of having to do the right thing by my family. It's not their fault. Then I take the tranquillisers and the world is bearable again. I hope my proper mess -you know, the ones I shouldn't have fucked around with - start to kick in soon, so I can stop being such a grumpy unreasonable cow.

Meds, not mess. Fucking autocorrect. Predicts cunting without any fuss, but not meds. Huh.

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