Self-inflicted misery

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I've managed to get myself into a complete state by being a prat and reducing my medication without medical advice. Whoop, go me. . I'm on max doses of a mood stabiliser and an anti-psychotic. Problem is that since going back to work the anti-P made me too zonked to get through a day at work, so I cleverly decided to reduce the dose. I reckoned that so long as I didn't piss around with the mood stabiliser, I'd be OK reducing the anti-P.

It worked very well and the more I reduced it, the better my output. However, so cheered was I with my success, instead of stopping at a reasonable dose, I kept cutting it until I was taking 1/6 of my prescribed dose.
Strangely, the week after reducing to that level I started to feel out of sorts, ending with being utterly suicidal by the end of the week and back under the Crisis team.

While I'm probably sounding very rational, I've had a week of depersonalisation, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, have walked to and from the bridge I was obsessed with during my last low period but have talked myself our of jumping off. I can't string a sentence together, have been a lousy mother and have no desire to do anything other than sit in my bed and ignore the world. It woudn't be so bad if I didn't know that its my own fault for being an arse.

Its scary shit this MH malarky. Its a very fine line between being well and jumping off a bridge. Who knew that 500mg a night is what keeps me going. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to April when I was really ill and just have ended it then so I didn't have to keep going through this bollocks, but then I remember the whole family and children thing and keep on going again.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry to see this is from you :( Was thinking of you recently.

How are the crisis team being with you? Is it helping? Are you working?

So many questions!

take care of yourself, you have come so far, you CAN do this.

[elvispelvis]

You are definiately not the only one who has reduced medication without medical advice. I did stop all of my meds and I actually felt fine for years.

The positive is that you can possibly reduce you antipsychotics somewhat. Not to 1/6 but little. Usually the preventive dose is smaller than needed in an acute phase. Well, next time you know better

[DoubleYew]

Everyone makes mistakes so don't beat yourself up about fiddling with your doses. What's done is done. Like Elvis says, you have learnt something - that you can manage on slightly less.

I'm a great one for agonising over all my mistakes but trying to be more understanding with myself has helped. I bet you don't want to be on all these meds so of course it was tempting to cut down and down.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Thanks all. I do get cross with myself about it all though. I've been feeling really good and almost smug at the fact that I'd reduced them and was OK in a "ha haa, what do you doctors know" kind of way. Well I suspect that since the Psychs I've seen all have at least 15 years of experience in psychiatric illness, where I've spent the last 15 years writing documents, that they do actually know more about what I need that I do.

Part of the problem I think is that I don't like the thought of being on medication for the rest of my life. Rationally, I know that if I'd been on drugs since I first was ill at the age of 15, then my life would have been easier. However the other bit of me says that if I survived for the last 20+ years without drugs, then why do I need them now. I am also a minor control freak, so don't like someone else being in control of what I need to do.

I've made it into work today though. Thankfully one of the meetings I have has been cancelled and I'll just have to avoid talking in the other meetings if I can. I wish I wasn't here though. The crisis team and my care coordinator both want a piece of me today and want to know what the hell I'm doing in work. its an easy one, that question - I'm in work to earn money innit.

I'm rambling now. Thanks everyone for replying and your concern as well, but I do feel like an arse undeserving of any sympathy as my current situation is completely of my own making. That, and some faulty brain chemicals.

[NanaNina]

Ah well you learned the hard way - thing is (as I'm sure you know) drugs for mental illness are not like paracetomol etc. They take a time to kick in and cannot just be stopped so quickly. Having said that I've done the same thing twice with ADs and I did eventually come off them (after 14 years) with the help of a psychologist with an expertise in coming off prescribed meds. It took me 10 months in all, and she stressed that I must be in control of the decrease and the only thing she would do would be to stop me coming off too quickly. Howeverm 4 months after coming off them (and some life stresses and a physical illness I had my 2nd major episode of depression and was in hospital for 3 months. I am now on twice the dose i was on before and the depression is intermittent now - SO I will be staying on them for life and bitterly regret coming off them, as they had kept me well for 14 years and hold down a responsible job.

Don't beat yourself up about it Keema just follow the advice of the crisis team -presumably you will need to see a GP or psychiatrist re building the drugs back up so you can function as you were before.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Thanks all . As ever your support is appreciated.

I didn't make it through my day at work and ended up on the phone to the CT in a real state. They were considering having me in on what was the S136, but I got home safely so things went down a notch. I have the CT psych coming out to see me tomorrow to assess what they can do to help. I've not told my boss I won't be in again yet. I think I will leave that till tomorrow morning.

I suspect I'm borderline for inpatient care, but I don't think it will get to that point with xmas just around the corner and there being hardly any beds at all in the area after they closed one of the only 2 wards available. I know I'll get through this blip and go back to being OK again, its just a case of when and keeping myself safe until I do.

[fluffydressinggown]

Keema, no great advice, but keep doing what you are doing, engage with the team, take your meds, you will get through this.

And if you need to be IP so be it, you have been there and done it before and you got through it.

Take care of yourself xx

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Thanks fluffy - I saw your thread as well the other day and its a complete PITA to have a bit of a relapse when thing have been going really well isn't it?

I will just have to plod along, this time taking the sodding meds as prescribed.

[cappucinogirl4]

Keema as far as the meds go I understand how you feel about being on them for the rest of your life - I feel like that too.But you know what? my kids deserve the best of me and if that means taking medication them so be it.They don't deserve me feeling shit,anxious and confined to my bed.
I did the reducing dose without medical support and got in a right mess.I've just accepted this is the way it's got to be.....
Be kind to yourself and hope you feel back on form soon x

[fluffydressinggown]

Keema, do you have talking therapy as well as the medication? I have done some work on my changing identity as I come to terms with having a mental health problem and it has helped me. I wonder if something like that would help you to make peace with needing the medication.

It is shit isn't it? Hopefully 2013 will be better for both of us :)

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I've had an assessment session with one of the psychologists, but as with everything, there's a waiting list. I will get access to therapy, but I need to get better again first I think.

I am just in a horrible place at the moment. My whole insides permanently feel like I am going down a huge drop on a roller coaster. DH is stressed out about me being ill again and I can't tell him how close I got to being sectioned today as he would really freak the hell out. I think thats partly what the assessment is about tomorrow as well.

Yes, 2012 can fuck right off can't it. I've not had it as bad as some people I know, but its still been shitty. Here's to 2013 & taking my sodding medication so I don't put myself, my family and my friends through yet another "keema is a walking disaster" session.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

and

[fluffydressinggown]

Keema, if they are talking about sectioning you tomorrow agree to go in informally, much better.

I have had an urgent psych meeting last week and I was ever so worried but all he did was fiddle around with my meds, nothing too scary. Are you able to keep yourself safe and take time off work to recover?

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Definitely - I'd never take the formal route if I didn't have to.

I'm having such a bad evening. I need to think about what I'm going to do tomorrow but it all depends on what happens at the psych review. Two weeks ago I was just fine, now I'm back to feeling awful.

Bah. Tis crappy.

[fluffydressinggown]

If you think you are too risky to be at home you need to be in hospital.

Be honest at the review.

They may up your meds and give you intensive support to make sure you take them.

This is something you will get through, take it hour by hour if you need to.

I know I keep saying take care but I really do mean it :)

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

To be honest fluffy, I really think I am too much at risk at the moment. All I've thought about since I woke up this morning is about going back to that sodding bridge and jumping off. My visual perception is all distorted again and my anxiety is absolutely through the roof. Since there's no one in today I've not tried speaking, but I expect that it would be more of the stuttery shit that I've been coming out with for the last week or so.

I was hoping to feel better by tonight as there's a xmas do that I've already paid for and I've already missed one last week as I wasn't well enough then either - so thats £20 I'm not getting back.

I'm in bed ATM as well. I can't summon up the energy to have a shower or get dressed or anything like that. I've had no appetite for the last three days and have had to force myself to eat something - OK so thats a silver lining in my quest to get slimmer, but not a good sign really.

I was great two weeks ago. I was enjoying going out with friends and doing things with the children and getting on really well at work. Now I can't bring myself to get dressed and the world is a bleak and dark place. I'd like to get off the nutter bus now. The ride isn't fun any more.

[elvispelvis]

Some positives:

1)You had great time just couple of weeks ago, so there is no reason why you would not feel the same in future!
2) You seem to be too tired to go to the bridge, so no worries there either!


Yours,
elvispelvis who feels very positive of everything today

[NanaNina]

Keema please tell the psych at your review that your head is full of suicidal thoughts It is probably suicide ideation (where we think of it all the time but somehow know we won't do it) but 25% of people with severe depression do commit suicide so it shouldn't be taken lightly.

I too have made a plan and told my best friend about it so they will know where to look (that's when the worst of the worst days come) as my depression is intermittent. When I'm well the plan seems stupid. You could try talking out loud to yourself, or am I misunderstanding what you mean.

As others are telling you, there will be brighter times ahead and you will feel like you did 2 weeks ago, but it is going to take time because your poor neuro transmitters in your head don't know whether they are coming or going because of the med reduction. It will take time for your brain chemistry to sort itself out.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I had a pretty good visit from the Psych. Fortunately its one that I like a lot and is very good at what she does - the only shame is that she's just on crisis.

I'm staying out of hospital and have been given a delightful amount of diazepam to see me through the next few days until I start to get back to normal. (Ha!)

As I am now floaty-light and may be a bit too weird on line, I'll sign off MN for the next couple of hours and enjoy not feeling like crap for the first time in days.

[fluffydressinggown]

So glad it was a positive visit :)

Enjoy the diazepam and the rest.

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

Keema, no real advice, just empathy and understanding. Possibly a hug if no one is watching, a macho fist bump if they are. x

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Well my friend Pam (diazepam to you) got me out of the house and to the Xmas do. This morning I would've said that was Impossible, so maybe with the benzo's, I CAN get through this week. Fingers crossed .

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

Yey!! Well done you!! Hope you had a brilliant time. I don't know what I'd do without Pam sometimes.