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Why am I like this?

(13 Posts)
Daisy17 Sat 22-Dec-12 14:37:53

Dueling how bizarre, was thinking how similar you sounded to me and then that last bit about not being allowed to ever behave badly with DH, well I'm so relieved to hear someone else feels like that! It confuses me so much. Massive sympathetic hugs, really hoping to share in any light other posters can shed on this.....

HilaryClinton Wed 12-Dec-12 23:05:00

I think you are allowed to express negative emotions in a constructive way. But behaving badly....not sure why you would want to be allowed a free pass on that when it upsets your husband and is ultimately corrosive to your happiness?

When you say you're not heard can you give a more specific example. I'm not sure if I've understood you correctly.

The hard done by comment is probably very specific to me and my DH's relationship and the fact that I sometimes feel I am not 'allowed' to behave badly ever. I mean everyone does sometimes don't they? I do get that he sees me repeating the same bad behaviour but often I think that is as a result of feeling like I am not being heard. So I get fed up that if I am feeling emotionally effected by something I don't get support or sympathy, just get told I am behaving badly with no attempt to find out why or comfort me.

That's how it feels anyway.

My dad was very paranoid, he also had this 'hard done by' thing, wouldn't let things lie, felt people were doing things to him (eg, convinced his post was getting stolen so would send himself letters to check they were being delivered) I hope I am not anywhere near as bad as he was!

HilaryClinton Wed 12-Dec-12 21:28:27

My guess is that pretty much everything is learned behaviours/very bad habits from those around you. I think they can all be self-preserving behaviours of those with low esteem.

I think a lot of the stuff you've mentioned is different facets of the same thing.
Using the judginess as the starter: The-Judge sits apart and above others so when we take on the role of Judge it is implicit in that we cannot be 'in' the group. Those that judge will always be unable to fit in. They are two sides of the same coin.
The other thing about being The Judge is that we know that we aren't really interested in justice for others; having allocated ourselves the power to judge we can be capricious; biased; and sometimes mean spirited. But the flip side of that is that we believe other people to treat us in a capricious/biased/sometime mean way too which will create mistrust of others.

Another angle is the sulking and grudges, that is reserved for those who assert their own belief in their own judgement. It is for those that reject judginess. Judgy people find it distressing when others live in a way that demonstrates they will live how they want regardless of what The-Judge thinks, says or even when they escalate to sulking which is a very destructive behaviour, and is something that can easily become an abusive behaviour.

Was being able to blame someone for stuff going wrong a theme in your family growing up? We get defensive when we sniff blame coming our way, but if that is an everyday part of childhood then you will become sensitised to it. It also instills a sense of never being good enough (...because there is a constant atmosphere of judging, and somebody about to be blamed, and something bad will happen to them, so they start to feel anxious about it...)

So I'm blaming the parents here! for teaching you a set of interlinked very bad habits. All of which can of course be unlearnt!!!

I was curious about the feeling hard done by comment and wasn't sure I understood it accurately. can you tell me a bit more.

Obviously feel free to ignore if this sounds like a load of cobblers to you.

amillionyears Wed 12-Dec-12 20:09:48

Did mean to add that you have been through major life changes in the past few years. They are enough to throw anyone off kilter for a while.

amillionyears Wed 12-Dec-12 19:43:11

Glad you are feeling better than when you started the post.

I think different people need different amounts of friends.
About a year ago, I thought I may not have enough. Then I realised I had not been in contact with one of mine for a few months. Got back in contact,organised something I think, and then realised that actually I did have enough friends already in my life.

I also think that some friendships need regular maintenance. So we can be good friends with people we work with for example, but once we or they leave work, we no longer see each other regularly, and find we have less in common. Friendships can be quite fluid things imo.

I would just add 2 or 3 other things.
It is lovely that you are concerned about your son in the way you are. But ultimately, although he will notice what you do, he will end up being his own person.

I do have in my possession a book called "Messages, the communication skills book", which you may find helpful in several ways.

The other thing is the judging people bit. That can be a big barrier to getting on with people. Sometimes, it can be best to seperate out the behaviour from the person. Peoples behaviour can be because of upbring, circumstances etc. The book I posted above, does have a few pages about it.

hope some of this helps.

I do a lot of social interaction in work, We provide a service and deal with problems. I am good at it but I don't have many people in work I would call friends... those I do I rarely socialise with out of work. I guess I compartmentalise my life like this.
yes it is mostly with my DH's circle of friends - we have been together for 5/6 years though. They are all nice enough and a couple of them I do really like.
I am still friends with a couple of people from secondary school, in school I only really ever had one or two friends. I don't meet up with them regularly at all and never see university friends or keep in touch with them apart from through christmas cards. I have worked in a few places and really don't keep in touch much with anyone from previous jobs, only again through cards and the occassiona; 'let's all meet up' kind of thing.

Only major changes have been splitting with ex, miscarrying, ivf, then a baby 2 years ago. My dad died in 2000 but that was a long time ago.

I am not religious but have joined things like my local amnesty group which I found tedious and didn't help me make any friends.

Maybe I need more friends, I do always feel good when I see my dearest friends but we all have such busy lives and kids of different ages so it's hard. Same too with my NCT group... I am working and some of them are not or are onto their second child so our lives are different.

I do think I could probably make more effort though.

thanks for the help. I was just feeling down the other day, I think I can work on my social issues, I just need to push myself more.

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 19:28:44

There are a lot of things you have posted about.
And like you, I do not know if they are inter connected.
So, I think I will write a list of things for you to think about, some may be relevant, some not relevant at all.

Social interaction. Do you have to do it in your job?

Why do you feel self concious and out of place. Is this just with your new partners social circle?
I think you need to start nearer the beginning.
Did you have trouble making and keeping friends when you were at secondary school? , and then when you were an older teenager? And when you first started work.

You say you do not feel like your old self. Do you think a visit to the GP may be in order, just to get a general overall health check?

Do you feel settled in the area that you now live in?
Have there been any other major changes in your life in the last few years, such as bereavement?

Have you thought about religion. It can give people more roots in their lives, if you think that may be helpful. A lot of people like the sense of community and belonging and heritage.

thank you for the replies. I was feeling quite down yesterday but am better today.

Yes - I think Control is a big part of the problem. I don't think I used to be like this at all, though the counting to ten thing was something I had to be taught when I was a child and it seems to have become necessary again as I get older.

In many ways I am quite patient, mostly I have all the time in the world for my son, I can queue for britain without moaning etc. I seem to just snap over things not being as I want them to be (Things going missing and so on) though much of this is the fault of the chaos I live in - I am fairly organised if I need to be but am also messy.

Maybe I need to work harder on that part of my life - more structure and organisation and less flipping out.

I had some major changes a few years ago followed by a fair bit of anxiety about fertility issues and then a fairly difficult birth, so I have not felt like my 'old self' for some time. I also lost a lot of friends (I lost touch with most of my social circle when I split with an ex - I felt it was fairer than making them choose) and though I have a couple of long-standing friends I think I have found it hard to fit in with the new circle I met through my now husband. I did have some counselling when I split with my ex (no children involved) and got together with my new partner and that helped me.

I am just not sure if this is just me or a symptom of the changes I have been through.

As a child I moved a lot, went to several schools, found it hard to maintain friendships as a result. I should be used to change but maybe because I put a huge spanner in the works when I split with my ex and upset what had become a stable life, maybe I am not coping as well as I thought.

My major worry is that I just don't seem to be able to be natural with other people, I find much of the social interaction I have to do a major drag where I feel self-concious and out of place.

amillionyears Mon 10-Dec-12 21:46:01

tbh, I think we all have at least some of these traits to a more or less degree.
I was trying to think what links most of what you have written, and it sounds like a control issue.
I think the paragraph that stood out for me was the one about having tantrums about things not working.

I am not sure how much of what you have written comes down to nurture.
fwiw, I think quite a lot of it can be to do with the personality we are born with. If we look at siblings that we can see in real life, a lot of the siblings have been brought up in the same way, but it is quite amazing to see how differently the siblings are when they are grown up.

I am always of the opinion that we can work on the traits that we do not like about ourselves. I know other people would disagree with me about this [thinking of people I know in rl].
Also, would say, that changing ourselves can take a while,sometimes years in fact. For instance, I realised that I was not patient. Once I out my mind to it, it tool me 5 years to change. Now the only thing I am still not patient with, is if the computer gets slow!

I could probably help with some more of the individual things in your post if you want me to.

icclebabyjesusheave Mon 10-Dec-12 15:47:23

OK - just read more carefully.

When it comes to the panic and fret over small things, maybe you need to think about being able to walk away for the count of 10 and practice being able to handle things more calmly?

icclebabyjesusheave Mon 10-Dec-12 15:44:46

To be honest Dueling, it doesn't sound like you're particularly different - either that or I am quite similar to you.

I suppose the question is, do any of the things you've noticed about yourself prevent you from having friends and building relationships, stop you from being able to hold down a job or affect your life in other ways? If the answer is no, then stop worring about it.

Possibly the only thing going on here is that you are not that self-confident, so you are worring that your DC will be like you, when actually it would be absolutely fine if they were.

Not really sure where I should ask this question but figured there may be some people in mental health who may be able to give me some answers/advice.

I am in my early 40s and I am struggling to understand who I am/why I am like I am. Since I have had a baby I have thought a lot about how upbringing can contribute greatly to the way you deal with relationships as you get older.

I wondered what kind of influences and upbringing might make a person like me, who is:

unable to fit in with groups of people or do small talk, needs to find people they click with to have a good time and basically can't be bothered to make the effort with people who don't click.

Judges other people a lot of the time (Silently) but also feels like everyone is judging them (becoming a parent has made this so much worse).

Sulks for ages when backed into a corner or when embarrassed in public. Holds grudges for a long time.

Thinks about the practicalities/problems of a situation immediately rather than being positive and unquestioning (though I truly wouldn't say I am a negative person).

Has tantrums over things not working (inanimate objects) or not being able to find things etc. Takes it out on other people (verbally).

basically I don't want to pass these things onto my son and I don't want to ruin my relationship. However even writing this down I feel hard done by - I feel like I am being unfairly picked on, that I am not as bad as people (or I) seem to think, that I am a good person who finds it hard to fit in and who needs support when dealing with my emotions. I feel very defensive and while I can sit down and accept that sometimes my behaviour is not perfect I also feel like shouting and screaming and stamping my feet about why I feel so hard done by and why it's all just so unfair. I could literally scream 'you just don't understand!'.

Has something in my upbringing made me have these kind of reactions do you think? Was I ignored when I needed to share my feelings or was I pampered and pandered to? What makes a person react in this kind of a way - makes them feel like they just aren't being heard to the point where they snap and want to scream and shout?

With my son (he's almost 2) I always try to get down to his level and talk to him about how he feels. I hope I am doing the right thing but I know as he grows up he will see how I behave (My mum is very much like me in that she panics and frets over the most stupid things not going as planned) and learn the same behaviour from me.

Sorry if this is long and boring. I just want to find ways to change and reasons why I might be like this.

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