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Been thinking some crazy stuff recently, please give your opinion.

(105 Posts)
GlumMentalDefective Sun 09-Dec-12 01:49:36

I'm nearly at breaking point at the moment. It is getting harder to cope with life everyday. Today I was thinking about suicide but decided it was just my DC that stopped me doing that. In fact it is just because of them that I have to try to hold everything together, give the appearance of normality for their sake. Instead I could just give up the hard work and lay down and let this sickness take me over completely.

Then I thought well if they weren't here it would be so much less stressful. I could rest more and feel better. But their absence might drive me even more nuts, just this time with no incentitve to hold back the madness. Although letting go and not caring what happens anymore is also quite appealing as it would mean a rest from the daily struggle to carry on. But quite possibly that choice could be irreversible. Do I want it to be forever?

So what would your opinions be on this? I know they are crazy but I can't stop myself thinking that way. Should I just keep on holding it together despite it being too much for me to cope with? Or would giving in to those feelings actually be better in the long run as i am only going to end up there one day anyway?

spanky2 England Mon 10-Dec-12 16:51:37

Cognitive behavior therapy is good. It worked well for me to retrain my brain into thinking more positively.

Hoophopes Mon 10-Dec-12 18:48:01

GMD why not ask to be referred to a psychiatrist - they have access to more services, diagnostic tools and medication than a Gp. They also don't have 2yr waiting lists!

GlumMentalDefective Mon 10-Dec-12 20:16:58

I've seen several different counsellors over the years(most recently in may this year) tried hyponotherapy too. I've lost count of the number of psychologist and psychiatrist I've seen both as an inpatient and an outpatient. The last time I saw a psychiatrist (september) he said I was was not depressed and I agree with the reasons he gave for this decision. I am currently waiting to see a neurologist.

These are the anti-depressants I have tried as far back as I can remember: sertraline, mirtazapine, citalopram, escitalopram, imipramine, duloxetine, fluoxetine, paroxetine, amytriptyline. Anyone taken something other than these?

GlumMentalDefective Mon 10-Dec-12 20:25:47

just remembered venlaflaxine as well

elvispelvis Mon 10-Dec-12 20:59:10

I have tried most of the ad's in your list. I have also tried Trazodone (helps one to sleep) and Edronax (gives loads of energy) of the new ssri/snri ones. Have you tried the old school ones like Aurorix (Moclobemide)?
I am pretty much drug resistant and the only AD that helped me a little was citalopram.

Have you tried moodstabilizers or antipsychotics?

GlumMentalDefective Mon 10-Dec-12 21:21:17

I've never tried moodstabilizers but I have had antipsychotics like promazine, olanzapine and risperidone. Risperidone was the only one that had any positive effect on me.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 11:41:32

GMD - this is clutching a straws a bit but have you tried healthy living? Diet and exercise etc?

Meditation, yoga, running? Books on CBT? I have one called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. Books on happiness, self esteem.

Helping someone with special needs or at a hospice/hospital/charity shop. A place where you feel needed and will grow self esteem and self worth. I help a teenage girl with special needs on a Tuesday morning, it is a good feeling that you get.

You are not alone and you CAN get through this.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 18:53:35

You see that the downside of all the awareness campaigns, 1 in 4 blah blah, is everyone thinks they know all about mental illness. Anyone who has been a bit depressed or knows someone who has, which is nearly everyone. They all think they have the cure because jogging round the park and eating organic peanuts made them feel so much better they can't understand that it won't do the same for everyone. Its not the same and no you don't understand how they feel. Would you tell a blind person you knew how they felt because you have to wear glasses for reading?

And you can be born with it, you can be broken in your head from day 1 and nothing is going to fix it. do you think in 30 years I have never thought of thiose things or tried them. Do you think it is easy to live my life, so easy I can't be bothered to try and change it to make it easier, or I'm so stupid I don't know how. Some people are born broken. Some people are born with no legs. No matter how hard they meditate, their legs won't grow back. No one would criticise and say they weren't trying to cure themself. Everyone would accept they are incurable. Well it is the same for me but I was born with part of my brain misssing. Reading a million books isn't going to grow those parts back, no matter how positively I think that it will.

That is why I think that sometimes it is pointless to carry on pretending. There is no cure for me. I have always been this way and that will never change. Why keep prolonging the pain of trying to be like everyone else when it is impossible. In the end it will finish the same way anyway, so why not just speed it up by stop trying so hard to keep my life going when I could just have a rest instead.

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 19:08:03

I have not posted as much as I might have done on this thread, because I thought there were other things going on, or happened in childhood.
Yes, I think we can be born a bit broken.
But you are posting very eloquently, which suggests to me otherwise.

I do think there is some anger. But that may be because of your mental health issues not being solved.
You say you have part of your brain missing. Have you been told that by the medical profession?

The other thing I will say, and this you may not like or approve of.
Are you at all spiritual?

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 19:26:07

GMD. Now I'm going to give you a bit of a talking to. Every day I feel like giving up. Every day. And I've tried all sorts. All sorts. Nothing has helped up until now - diet, exercise, supplements, counselling, books, meditation etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.

BUT you can't give up hope. Every day you have to fight again and pray that one day you'll find peace.

You are very eloquent and therefore not loony. People who have really gone mental would post but in number sequences...if they could work out the logging in process.

Today just when I was at my lowest ebb again, after about my seventh panic attack of the day, my 19 month DS made an appearance in my shoes. It did make me smile and these are the things we have to cling to. It's not a lot but it's something.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 20:05:26

Of course only really mental people wear pants on their heads, push a pencil up each nostril and just say flibble [hmmm]

I'm not angry but I find this so hard to explain to anyone. At least I have a chance by typing it online, if it was real life you would just hear random words in between the stuttering and mumbling. Maybe that would convince someone I was really crazy? Having depression means that you must be depressed from what is normal, but if the normal for you is already at that point other people go to when depressed- do you really have depression? Normal people can recover and go back to normal but you have no recovered place to go to and just stay depressed forever.

It makes perfect sense to me but it seems lie no one else gets it. Maybe that is another symptom of having a broken brain. no they haven't told me I have part of my brain missing but I am being sent to a neurologist to check if my brain is different to other people. I predict the answer to that will be yes.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 20:08:10

GMD I too fear I have something defective wrong in my brain. It's a common symptom of anxiety.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 20:19:31

have you seen a neurologist Mylittlepuds? Have you been assessed using the WAIS-IV by a psychologist? Mine showed serious anomalies in my cognitive functioning- scoring at genius level in some areas but below 5th centile (serious learning difficulty) in others. What were your scores like?

GMD, I am not sure if you are seeking permission to make a choice in your life that will deeply affect every person you know for the rest of their lives. You will not get that permission from any one of us.

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 20:30:23

While we wait for Mylittlepuds answer, can you give other examples of things that you do or say, GMD, that are not like other people?

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 20:30:28

How can those questions be seen as asking for permission for anything?
I don't need anyones permisssion to do anything anyway but that was not what I was asking.
Why is it do difficult to get through to other people? I feel like I amm speaking a different language sometimes, one that no one else in the world undrstands.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 20:31:04

No but I certainly want to be tested now! wink

I'm sorry you feel this way. I just want to give you some hope.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 20:33:42

I hope I'm not being pitted as somehow trying to catch you out or upset you - or anyone else. Was just trying to help.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 20:38:38

Well I think any kind of psychologist can do a WAIS-IV but I think they will charge (approx. £350, if I remember right) as it is non-standard NHS thing. If you are lucky and are still in education your school or college can pay an educational psychologist to do one for free.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 20:42:50

I'd be too scared.

GlumMentalDefective Tue 11-Dec-12 20:48:46

Its not scary, just long and exhausting. Mainly just answering questions for 2-3 hours.

Wallison Tue 11-Dec-12 20:50:28

What strikes me about this 'pretending' thing is that it's not really pretending. If you're staying alive, if you're keeping your kids alive and parenting them, then you really are doing that. There isn't some other reality where you are simultaneously failing at everything you do. That's not to say that you don't need support, because I think you do, but just because you feel so bad about yourself, it doesn't mean that all the bad things are true. That's your distress talking; it isn't what is really going on.

Mylittlepuds Tue 11-Dec-12 20:50:44

I wouldn't want to now for sure that there's something wrong. I'd rather be in the dark.

amillionyears Tue 11-Dec-12 21:03:49

GMD, do you have a medical diagnosis of anything else as well?

And you say you didnt speak until Year 3. What did the medical people say about that.

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