I need someone to hold my hand

[wavesandsmiles]

Just having such a difficult time at the moment. I have done a positive thing and saw my GP on Monday, who has referred me back to the psychiatric team (have been off their books for about 3 years now). I have complex issues: borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. Have managed to keep these under control a bit more recently, but in the past have spent months on end in acute psychatric wards due to self harm and EDs. I never thought I would have to go back to them again, and in itself it has made me feel like a failure.

I have 2 DCs who I love with all my heart, and found out 3 weeks ago I am pg. DH and I had been trying for just under 2 months, so it was quick. However, I had stopped taking my ADs when we started TTC as I didn't want to add risks to the baby.

Family life is tough, DH has 2 DSs who have been really nasty to me over the past couple of months. It has culminated in the decision that basically DH will take them out all weekend every weekend, leaving me and the DCs at home. I feel like he is checking out of our relationship, and our family life. My DCs don't have a dad - he abandone them when my DD was 4 months, and they have no contact with him or his family. The DSSs resent my children, and resent me. And this has been worsening. I also lost my dad last year, very suddenly, which completely floored me. I have a very stressful job, and work part time as well to supplement the income.

Anyway, I am self harming daily again, and have barely eaten this week. I have no appetite, and all I see is blackness and darkness. I am not coping. I feel abandoned by my DH, and like I am failing my DCs by being so down all the time. I am terrified that he is going to leave us, because he doesn't want his boys to be upset. I am so gutted that he isn't acknowledging that we are having a baby. I feel like I am losing him, and I can't see a way forward. I am so tired now. I have been struggling with MH issues since I was 15, and I thought that I had won. But I guess they will always be here won't they. I want everything to stop. I feel like a terrible mum. I feel entirely alone. I can't talk to anyone in RL - I have no friends due to the fact I have paranoia issues and push people away, that and the fact I am working pretty much all the time.

I thought that marrying DH was my happy ending, my reward for being a good and kind person, despite all that I have had to cope with through my life. Instead, I am in a terrible, terrible place, and wish that all my suicide attempts in the past had worked. Please, can someone hold my hand? I don't know what to do....

[mashedpotatohead]

Oh waves, I feel so sad for you. Holding your hand & sending a BIG (((Hug))). Im afraid I dont have any woeful advice as Im not in a great place at the mo but wanted to acknowledge your post.

There will no doubt be some helpful advice coming to you shortly from the MN ladies....take care x

[wavesandsmiles]

Thank you for acknowelding my post and so sorry that you are not in a good place. Feeling so fragile, like I am going to break into a million pieces. Dashing home to hide in bed during my lunch break now. No idea what else to do.

[mashedpotatohead]

Oh bless you waves. Ive just read your post again. While you're waiting for the referral, do you have any support numbers to contact?

I'm here too, not sure that is any comfort though! It's a lonely place but it dosent have to be, so keep sharing...

[wavesandsmiles]

My GP just gave me details of the Samaritans. I feel super lonely, and am trying to remember that worrying about things that may or may not happen won't help, and that I cannot fix everything, and that a lot of things are simply beyond my control, but it isn't helping at the moment. And I feel awful for not eating this week, but I can't face it, so now I am worrying about the baby

[mashedpotatohead]

Do you feel you could call the Samaritans waves? Sometimes a voice can just lift that lonliness for a moment....

Its hard to eat when you're stomach is in a knot eh. Could you manage some soup? Just something to give you some energy. The baby will take what it needs from you, so just something to keep you going.

I am such a worrier, I do understand the turmoil it causes. It's blooming horrible when that cycle starts.

Can you get a BIG hug from your DH? You sound very much in need of one my dear x

[mashedpotatohead]

waves, are you there? Just wanted to see how you are & send a BIG ((((Hug)))) x

[wavesandsmiles]

Hi mashed - last night wasn't so good, but slept well. Had a good snuggle up with DH. It is hard for him as he really doesn't understand where I end up when I get into this cycle.

Thanks for the hug - have one back from me too (((Hug)))

Today, I think I will try to have some soup. If I don't get any update on the referral, I may well speak to the Samaritans. DH will be out most of this evening on his work do and I am so scared of being alone

[mashedpotatohead]

Awwww, waves sorry to hear last night wasn't so good. I was a right old misog but a big bear hug from dh eases that feeling a bit. My dh struggles to understand too. Its a very isolating feeling, I do understand.

Thank you for the hug x

Take your time eating & hopefully you'll relax enough to be able to. You dont want to get poorly on top of everything else, bless you.

Do you have anyone who can pop in & see you tonight? Or do you read at all? I find this the best form of escapism. Failing that I watch tv in bed (so rock'n'roll!)Talking to the samaritans may also be an idea when your dh is out tonight.

Take care x

[PackItInNow]

Hello OP. Sorry to hear you're not in a great at the moment, but I'm sure you will get through this.

Everyone has highs and lows in their life and sometimes the low times can be overwhelming, but you need to keep reminding yourself that there is an end to the lows.

I'm just coming out of a low point and if it wasn't for my kids, DH and steely determination to get out of this low, then I'd still be down deep IYSWIM and not where I am now. I am hoping to go to university and train as a psychologist (of all jobs to do ) and if I can give people the emotional tools to help them through bad times, then I've done my job.


One of the things I taught myself to do during a low point, is to imagine I am in a long tunnel. That way I knew the low times would come to an end and when I saw the light, I knew it was passing. I used to imagine that my kids were at the end of said tunnel waiting for me to give me cuddles. It made me all the more determined to reach them.

I hope you can take something from my experience and use it to help you through any bad times.

[wavesandsmiles]

Thanks for your messages... Yet again, not a good day, and spent a good 10 minutes just now having a weep in the work toilets. Huge pressure for me to go on the work meal tonight - it is a small office, so I will be noticeably absent if I don't turn up. Really not in the mood, but as DH is already out on his work do, part of me thinks I'd be better trying to go along for a bit at least to cut down on the moping at home time! The meal is all paid for by work too.

I know I need to remember that there will be an end to this low, it just feels like so much is in the way of where I am now, and the next time I can be happy. I am gutted - when DH and I started ttc I aws so sure that this would be a happy time. With my exH I had to cope with domestic abuse, his alcoholism, and cheating on me, whilst pg, and I was so excited that this was at last the chance for things to happen right. Instead, I have fallen over, and into wherever I am now, and DH isn't excited at all about the baby, basically cos he is worried about how his DSs will react. It is weird, but in a way I have already started grieving for the happy, loving pg I thought we would have, and that is not happening at all.

Might just be a good idea to call up the samaritans tonight.