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should i go back to gp?(953 Posts)
back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.
i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.
so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....
i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.
im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)
i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)
i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.
im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....
i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....
ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.
i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.
im not sure what to do.
<waves to everyone>
A plodding sort of day, forcing myself to do paperwork v..e..r..y s..l..o..w..l..y, piece by piece. Had it all ranged on the living room floor, kinda useful cos I have to file it or DCat will shred it all by morning.
Have a meeting tomorrow (service user stuff) which I'll enjoy.
vicar it may be an AS thing to overshare sometimes, I find I do this because I tend not to skirt round things as others might do, but answer too honestly, iyswim.
Well silvery dh says i have no internal monologue....what i think comes out of my mouth.
and i probably do have AS traits. so that makes sense. i would also explain my feelings of social isolation. funnily DH is more antisocial than me but happy that way....i am always worrying about how i come across to others.
good luck with your meeting tomorrow....
just so tired should have been up half hour by now. work trousers are in wm - need put on a radiator to dry. kitchen a tip - hideously so. just so weary.
Come on helles you can do it. 15mins after work will do wonders on your kitchen.
Bad nights sleep here....feeling reasonably positive and motivated tho if so so sleepy.
Gp mid morning so no going back to bed. Gonna empty dishwasher, phone careers service at uni cos I told my Gp I would. Need to find the diary i am supposed to be doing for therapist. Might start dd3s scarf. Might play on Wii.
If I can be a good girl I might sneak an afternoon nap...
sitting at work feeling completely isolated though surrounded by people I would class as colleagues and/or friends but I don't feel like I have anything in common with them.
It will pass. You know it will. Its just a blip.
I've got to have blood test for thyroid function to rule that out as a cause of tremor and/or tiredness. I may then have my ads changed.
Exhausted. I'm heading for a nap now.
I am back (blows big raspberry at Ed.... pls excuse the childish behaviour but sometimes I cannot repress it).
I managed to quickly finish my homework for my language class and went. At the moment I am a bit withdrawn/hypervigilant etc so it was hard to relax and enjoy learning but I went and I managed to do the class.
This week has dragged on since last Friday. I have had enough of this and I am going to call my counsellor so that at our next session next week I am hoping to have a list of local resources and what to do's. I simply cannot continue like this or tolerate how I feel, and when I hit a blip it just intensifies and goes a bit into a freefall. I will try to make more positive steps.
Vicar the rewind therapy sounds interesting and I have had a look into that. Do you process one memory at a time? It could take me a while . I am trying to figure out how it could deal with long-term experiences as opposed to single events of trauma. I really have been having quite a few intrusive thoguhts and keep telling myself that it is okay, I am trying to process it (I don't feel safe; I tried to convince myself but couldn't). I am trying to remind myself why the other person's actions were wrong/ He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy for any Monty Python fans.
Great to hear about the verrucae; I remember that thread and thinking Ah! how can you walk? Your week sounds like a good balance of need to do and want to do things nicely sandwiched. The CV and job applications is a very positive move. Each time I try to think of working or even looking at job availabilities I just feel incompetent (one reason I am volunteering is to slowly counter at least some aspects of this).
Ed bomb sites - I target one and chip away at the others telling myself it is about a slow but definite progress. It cannot all happen in one day and if it did I would just relapse and let it go again. I have given myself permission to be less than perfect and I have told my friends that this is where I am at. Some look horrified as this is a huge departure from the outward facing self.
Accountancy - my Dad keeps promoting it to me as the ideal career. I could be good at it but for me it would be a job and not a career. I could never be passionate about it and I guess I invest my time in things I am passionate about. I am not over my last job which was a career but it is difficult to get back onto the ladder now.
TSTP I will look up fast forward phobia cure; the main lists for rewind therapy are the UK. Ta for the tip.
HB YYY to bringing the appointment forward. Healthcare professionals etc are there to help you achieve and maintain better health and are there to support you. I totally understand the skulking on the thread - a bit like sitting on the periphery of a conversation, not feeling like participating but also not alone. Ed is totally right - I cannot function seven days a week and some weeks I don't function at all. This is in huge contrast to the capable and confident person I was, just happy to have a good go at anything. I think this is an aspect that I am having a lot of trouble dealing with and it drives me nuts because I know I can do so much. Feel like my own worst enemy some days.
But I think many of us keep reiterating how we have found solace in this thread where people are going through similar life-changing phases, have been open and non-judgemental. Some people in RL avoid me once they hear PTSD.... maybe they think it's contagious We all have to and fro moments and for me this thread meant I was not alone (although I honestly wish you were in better places ).
And who would tell us to get out of bed?
BF glad to hear dinner went well. YYY to people who are inclusive and accept us just as we are at the time. A little smile goes a long way in my books. It's easy to retreat but contact with understanding people is therapeutic and helps make sure we don't retreat away.
Okay all. Next I am making that telephone call. Then I am going to buy a present for our neighbour's who recently had an addition to their family.
Just lost a large post .. breathe .
Hi to all and Helles I think we all can understand that feeling of being the outsider looking through the glass at work when we feel crap . It will pass but it is scary and lonely . A blip and it is amazing how one good day can change that feeling . hang on lass . We are so hard on ourselves .
Ed good idea to get thyroid checked . I do wonder how much hormones and vitamin levels affect us also . Hope in some way that it could be a minor prob with your thyroid maybe . Hope you know what I mean . Not good explaining here what I am trying to say .
Vicar you got new hairdo ? So lovely to see your posts getting stronger in your self . Pics ? . I loathe that mirror that in hairdresser that makes my wrinkles and ten chins so highlighted . Hope you feel much better today and the family actually notice you have had hair done [not holding my breath if yours is like mine] .
Hi to Silvery,Mama , Nana and all .
Lovely post there from mama
It's nice to have people on here that make you smile as well as in rl.
Had trouble getting out of bed after afternoon nap. Still sooo exhausted. Still recovering from Monday I think..I really have to pace myself more. I dragged myself because of issues with school buses.
DTDs are fending for themselves for tea. I'm not hungry. Really shaky. Really nauseous.
I am going to see a careers counsellor tomorrow for a preliminary chat. .so may be progressing on my plan b. I have blood test on Friday so I think that's my week planned....now all I need to do is find that behaviour activation diary I am supposed be doing for the therapist.
Waves to all...
Re the next thread title ..
"There were six in the bed and Vicar said ..bunk over,bunk over ....so we all bunked over and ..
one of us got up and did stuff and cleaned "
bit long though for title.
BF that made me smile!
Okay I appear to have misplaced the contact details. I am going to drop off a note. I can do this. I want my life back.
Last year would have been good. I will do this while I feel I have the energy to move forward
Today's learning....I cannot multitask....
Bassett that made me we could work that i reckon!
mama - regards the rewind - no you dont process one memory at a time - its really fast to do. Basically you find a "safe" start memory and a "safe" end memory with all the nasty stuff in the middle.
you then lay down and do a bit of hypnotherapy to get you totally relaxed, then you imagine you are in a lovely place of your choice, and you watch your life on a tv screen from memory to memory - but its on fast forward. then you watch it rewind. then fast forward.....then rewind....do this a few times and then the tv begins to get moved away, further and further away, it gets smaller and smaller, then the colour goes and its in black and white, and it moves further and further each time you watch on fast forward and rewind....until its just a little dot in the distance. then its gone.
and so is the emotional response to those memories - its very useful for PTSD and trauma.
and i can safely say it works. it really works.
the whole process took about 25 mins.
one session wiped away 8 years of painful memories. the only hard bit is that to start the process off you need to think about the first painful memory to "hook" the emotional response that you want shut of.....but you dont have to talk about it - i did but just for that one memory, as soon as i got emotional, we started the process, so i didnt have to talk about anything else - you just see it all in your own head....
its amazingly effective.
anyway - look it up. have a google.
i had my hair done, (my hairdresser is really lovely but the salon manager was broadcasting very loudly that he was anti police.....he was insulting and really wound me up having to sit and listen to his anti police rant while i was paying for the privilege of being there......he didnt know what i did for a living.....my stylist is lovely and was so embarrassed, i think she was going to handle it, she was annoyed for me and said i shouldnt have to sit and listen to that etc.... i really wanted to tell him on the way past what i thought but i restrained myself. He was loud and arrogant and one of those people who knows how to do everyone elses job.....
On a positive note i have done an application for another job today within the nhs - i tick all the boxes - its working with the same NHS systems i used to use and working within a prison. only down side is its half my current salary, but is nearer to home.
im not rushing into anything but im just applying so i feel like i have options.
busy day - more problems with DS and more problems with some work we are having done at home - but i coped and havent lost the plot about it which is a sign that perhaps the pills are working....?
hb i can really relate to your feelings of isolation - thats why i love this thread. You must nip back and re read your positive posts from a few pages back - you have alot going for you helles - its just hard to see in the fog that is depression....
waves to silvery and i hope the radio silence from nana is a good sign....
ed i cant multitask either. i have a very muddled brain. Good luck with the careers adviser and im sorry to see you feel ill - get the blood test done.
im never hungry anymore - but my weight doesnt budge - i eat the wrong stuff when i am hungry and im still drinking too much though i have made a conscious effort to cut right down....i struggled hugely to get up this morning but the hair appointment forced me up....tomorrow the garage comes down and the workmen are here at 8.30, i will have to get up for that and walk the dog who wont have access to the garden for a few days.
hope everyone has a good day tomorrow - off now to watch Africa.....
Sounds like you had a fab day vicar. And I agree helles should read back some of her posts from the beginning of January to see how positive she can be....and how
bullying motivating she can be and hopefully she can motivate herself and see this as a dip in the cycle.
Today I learnt that I can't multitask with this damned illness. I can't hold a conversation and drive....I stopped at the green lights this morning (fortunately I also stopped at the red lights...).
I also couldn't help dd3 with her homework and dtd2 with her knitting and answer dtd1s questions...
You also did well handling the spanners in the works with ds and the building.. .that's something I still really struggle with (as evidenced with today's issues with school buses...).
Anyway I'm whittering again...feels like it has been a quiet day on here...hope that is a good sign of productiveness in our comrades lives.
Busy day for tomorrow.
I need to go to the library.
I need to have a bath/shower
I should find and start this behaviour actualization diary thing...
I should see careers advisor
I should contact tutor....
I am also out for takeaway with friends tomorrow evening.
I predict a washout Friday....
and I'm fee-ee-eeling food! up and showered on time and feeling positive despite it being Thursday (notoriously my worst day as I'm up later than usual on Wednesday nights cos of cubs/scouts).
thanks for all the encouragement - I'll post properly later.
hope nina isn't awol because she feels like I did but that the head monster forgot to follow her to Ireland so she's stayed there for a bit.
I think nana was planning to be away for 5 days anyway....
I hope helles is feeling good not feeling food (mind boggles) .
I was a naughty girl and didn't settle until 1am...
Dd3 woke me at 6.30
I am sleepy....I need to schedules nap as I have to drive this evening....but careers appointments don't start till 11....
I was feeling good but my thumb was feeling f instead of g!
Oops...I have slept all morning.
I can barely keep my eyes open. I am so shattered...
And I slept all afternoon (went to a meeting in the morning). I am hoping it is the time of year, I need to get out for walks (but it's so windy), eat better, and smoke less.
tired but reasonably content (kitchen still a disarster dahlings), took ds out for dinner, wrote project plan for course and put away some laundry.
ready for tomorrow
Well one of us needs to keep the bed warm :D
I'm glad helles is feeling more positive....I need some stars tonight
Summary of my day...
Didn't sleep well so exhausted when I woke. Straight back to bed after school run.
Got up at lunchtime (which I'm still happy with...its about 4hrs earlier than I was a fortnight ago)
Cleared off my bedside cabinet...motivated by a thread on here...
Cleared my bedroom floor (and generated 3-4 loads of washing ) motivated by the need to get to my bedside cabinet to clear it off.
Waxed my upper lip...motivated by confusion of my own gender after recent neglect
Walked to the library
Caught xp on his way to his not so secret rendezvous with married ow.
Run a few errands...followed by McDonald s for tea.
I'm now in bed. Having a bit of mobile time...then reading before settling down early tonight (I did think it was quiet on here...then I saw it was early).
Making a list at night is pointless because I always disappoint myself. No shower. No careers advisor. Ho hum.
Blood test tomorrow. I will decide what else when I wake up. I do feel as tho I am gaining a bit more control over my ability to get out of bed.
Hope building is going smoothly vicar.
Waves to everyone else. I'll probably pop back in
that all sounds very positive ed - loads accomplished this afternoon and I absolutely agree - steady improvement is the aim (no stars I'm afraid)
hope everyone else is well
ed you got loads done off your list - give yourself a pat on the back.
so. today the old garage came down.
tomorrow, new garage goes up.
on monday work on the garden begins meaning in 2 weeks it will be a useable space....
so thats good.
today, i met an old colleague for lunch. We mooched in the pub for 2 1/2 hours but it was lovely to catch up and he is a wonderful listener. We havent had a catch up for months so it was lovely.
I had a facial and had some false eyelashes done for DH works do on Sat. And i motivated myself to have a bath - (dirty girl - hadnt had one since sunday!!) yuk! that is unlike me normally....my lovely friend came round tonight for a cuppa which was nice.
anyway had a bath, plucked and scrubbed and actually motivated myself to fake tan (again for this bloody do on Sat)
DS is home tomorrow (he is getting train this week so it saves me a mammoth drive - though im paying) and we have his appt with bank Sat.
im starting to panic a bit as ive only got one weeks sick note left....not ready to go back yet and sgt agrees so i need to relay this to gp - have an appt on Tuesday morning and then my other lovely lovely pal (who is my mummy figure) is dragging me off to see Les Mis (she has seen it 3 times now!! and insists i need to see it! - i keep tlelling her im depressed enough already but she wont take no for an answer.....)
helles glad you are feeling better - it seems this illness has peaks and troughs.
I had a lovely chat with my beauty therapist today who is in same boat head wise....its amazing when you start chatting who else you find has depression.
im in a horrible dilemma with work but im trying not to pressure myself until after ive seen occy health on Weds.
im worried about taking a job with less money - but DH said today if i could get a job on same money would i leave.....
and i said "yes" so he says i have my answer.
i wish it was that easy. im not finding it easy to decide what to do at all. im going to write down all my issues, and talk it through with occy health. if they can help me - great.
if they cant then i think its time i threw the towel in.
i think im stressing again.
Love, hugs and <waves> to everyone else on the thread.....we must decide on the next title soon - we only have 40 pages!
Go vicar you did loads too!...
Well done for a good day.
I don't feel I got a lot done off my list for today...I only achieved the library....but I did do lots of spur of the moment stuff which kind of makes up for it. And I forgot to say I vacuumed too .
And I am about to turn my phone off...WAAAAAAY before midnight
Night all. Friday tomorrow
well, i didnt do much but i did go out and start living a bit i suppose again....so thats good news.
i am having horrible vivid nightmares though.....i woke up screaming this morning.
that aint so good.
goognight all and goodnight ed
im still terribly confused about what im doing....clarity would be great but its not happening.
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