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I am such a failure as a mum :(

(7 Posts)
jaffacake2 Fri 23-Nov-12 08:27:34

Hope you have a better day today.
Reading your reply I wondered that your son is probably copying your partner as a role model on how to behave to you. He sounds stressed out but that is no excuse to be abusive to you.
Maybe it is time for you to concentrate on your self esteem and the first step is to see a Dr and maybe discuss your depression.
When you feel stronger you will gain a better perspective on your family relationships and be able to assert yourself.
Take care x

dawnpreview Thu 22-Nov-12 22:13:36

Thank you so much for your words of support, it really means alot to me.
I don't have any family around. My mum is in Spain and my mil a few hours drive away. My dad and my fil both died earlier this year.
I do realise I have to change the way I talk to my kids, I have always seemed to clash with the one twin- his brother is alot more laid back. They started school in September, so I do get time to myself now. I thought that would make things so much easier with them being at school, but the evenings can be quite horrendous at times. It is no wonder though that one of them shouts at me so much when all I do is shout at them. I will try to be more positive and offer more praise when they are being good.
I did suffer pnd when they were babies, and have self harmed in the past, and it worries me that I am slipping back into depression again. Every night I go to bed feeling guilty and vowing that the next day will be different, but it never is. I think maybe it is time to go and see my doctor.
With regard to my DH, I think things have been rocky for a while now. We have had some awful rows in the past, and he has no sympathy whatsoever for any kind of depression- used to basically just tell me to get over it, and any time i try and talk about how I feel I would be told 'it's all in your head', or 'you need to see a shrink'. If I ever get upset or cry in front of him it will end in a row. As long as everyone is behaving the way he wants all is fine, if not then he will get angry or sulk. He works long hours and I respect that, but he then comes home in a mood and shouts at the kids and then wonders why they don't want to do anything with him.
I just don't want my kids to grow up feeling that they are always being shouted at. I love them so much it hurts, and want them to know that and to have good memories of their childhood.
Going to try and get some sleep now. Thanks again for your support, I will be back tomorrow.

bugster Thu 22-Nov-12 20:49:17

Dawn, you definitely are not alone. We all say things and behave in a way we regret with our kids, and your concern about yours and show you are not a failure as a mum. It is sooo hardsometimes because their job is to push you to the limits and you would have to be inhuman not to react sometimes.

I wonder why one of your twins is behaving this way - it isn't ok to say those things to you, I wonder if he has heard that kind of language modelled somewhere? But you can rest assured that he doesn't really mean it, a 4 year old doesn't really inderstand the implications of their words. I remember reading somewhere that lot of kids say ' i don't like you' or even 'i hate you ' and the best response is just 'well I love you'. (not meaning to be preachy or anything - how hard it is to come up with those theoretically correct words in the heat of the moment).

So just to say really, you love your DCs, you are caring and committed, which makes you a good mother. You are their mother, struggling with that job as we all do.

It sounds as if your partner is also feeling the pressure. Maybe you need some time to relax together, could someone look after the DCs while you have a nice evening out?

Don't be too down!

carovioletfizz Thu 22-Nov-12 20:42:39

Oh you poor thing. Firstly, of course your kids don't hate you. They love you - you're their mum, and you love them too. You sound like you're just a bit run down and being really really hard on yourself, which everyone does at times - we can be our own worst critics sometimes. Being tired and down can also lead to you saying things you don't mean - we've all done it.x

Do you have family around that can help out? Do you try to get out every day, at least to playgroup or the park or something?

Do you want to work things out with your DP? You've done the right thing by posting here and getting your feelings out in the open. Big hugs.xx

jaffacake2 Thu 22-Nov-12 20:42:31

Dawn take a deep breath and keep calm
Your children dont hate you.They are responding to you that way because they get an immediate response,which children like even if it seems negative. It gives them a feeling of power to make a parent react.
Now what you need to do is change the way you interact with them so they get a reaction from you for positive activities.
Its hard to start the change,but each morning start afresh approach. Lots of compliments to them " I like it when you help with the breakfast " It will seem odd to begin with but will become a habit. Then any bad behaviour from them is completely ignored after saying it is not acceptable.
Maybe your husband will get the message too,so his behaviour towards you might change.
Just take each day as it comes,new day new start
Its hard being a mum,so be kind to yourself,schedule in some treats for you.

Smiffle Thu 22-Nov-12 20:33:45

DawnP, just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and you won't be the first mum to say something you regret and sob.

I am just on the way out, please dont feel alone, there are some amazingly wise and kind ladies here, and you're really brave to have posted.

I imagine your DP feels pretty helpless too, maybe that makes him angry? Just a thought.

We've all got choices, youre not suick and trapped.

I'll be back in the morning, big hug until then.

dawnpreview Thu 22-Nov-12 20:26:09

My life is absolute crap at the moment, and I can't see any way out of it sad
All I seem to do is shout at my kids and be horrible to them, it is no wonder they hate me so much. I have 4 year old twins, and one of them especially speaks to me like dirt- calling me stupid and saying he doesn't like me on a daily basis. I end up shouting and saying horrid things back to him, and then feeling so desperately guilty about it. I am sat here now sobbing after yet another shouting match. He is 4 for gods sake, and I love him so very much.yet I end up saying things like 'well if you don't like me then I will just go and you will never see me again'. I am such a horrible horrible person to say that to a small child sad I feel like I am just completely fucking up my kids lives by being the person I am.
My relationship with my husband is pretty crap too. We always argue, and it is always my fault. He is always in a foul mood and nothing seems to make him happy. He doesn't enjoy spending time with me or the kids and ends up shouting at them and telling me that everything is my fault. He takes no responsibility for any problems in the relationship, and basically it is down to me to change. I would leave, but have no idea where to even start. I don't work and don't know how I could manage a job and childcare if I was on my own.
Sorry this is very long and rambling, and thanks for listening. I just feel so low at the moment and needed to get it off my chest.

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