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I want to hit my baby

(54 Posts)

I won't. He is not at risk of abuse, I will not harm him. But the urge is there.

I am alone with him as DH has taken DD to the doctor. I haven't had an unbroken night's sleep since before DD was born (she is 3.4) and have had less than 3 hours a night all week as we all have horrible colds and DS can barely breathe, he's so stuffy.

I was going to take DD to the doctor except that DS started rubbing his eyes and yawning so I had to stay here with him. An hour later and he's still fucking awake. I am tired, I am exhausted, I am in pain from my back and sinuses and I am a horrible mother because I keep getting the urge to slap him.

I am on Sertraline for PND (second time around

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 22:21:09

Puddle mine didn't sleep either - DS2 still isn't brilliant and he is 20 months. He will be awake in the night for an hour quite often, and he wants to be held, talked to etc.

We have tried some kind of sleep training with him, but he doesn't settle himself, just winds himself up into hysteria so we don't do that anymore because I worry about cortisol levels.

It does get better, and gradually things get easier. Hang in there, you are doing a good job. One day you will realise that you are looking back on this time from a better place.

showtunesgirl Fri 16-Nov-12 22:13:40

Oh Joyful. sad

Keep talking to us here as well.

I had thoughts like this when DD was very little after a traumatic birth and I so wish I'd spoken to someone. I think it's very common from what I've heard.

Yes, they both have a bedtime routine. I think part of the problem this evening was that DS had an extra nap today as he was so tired after a bad night (he kept snuffling himself awake, poor boy) and so wasn't as tired as usual at bedtime.

He's very similar to DD - she was very high-needs too (although I didn't know it was called that at the time) and she didn't sleep through the night until after her 2nd birthday. We tried all kinds of sleep training and it just made things worse. sad

Scheherezade Fri 16-Nov-12 21:41:53

Do you have a bedtime routine for either DC? My DS (13 months) has a bath, then bottle and bed every night, hasn't missed a bath since he was 3mo, even though we travel a lot and are away from home.

I used to have him in our room/co sleep till my pnd became extreme and I was admitted to a mother and baby ward. He had to sleep in a separate room to me, and it was the first night in his life that he slept through.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EwanHoozami Fri 16-Nov-12 20:46:15

Oh love - you've been hugely brave admitting this to yourself and writing your feelings down.

ArthurandGeorge Fri 16-Nov-12 20:44:54

With DS I'm not sure that I had undiagnosed but I do know that I had horrendous sleep deprivation that made me truly struggle to function. I wish I had tried to address this earlier on.

Tbh co-sleeping was a response to DS refusing to sleep - he and I usually get a relatively good night's sleep when he's not full of snot. But this week has been an absolute killer. DH has been sleeping on the sofa so he can get up to DD without disturbing me or DS but DS just hasn't slept well. Hopefully this cold will pass soon!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 16-Nov-12 20:13:51

Big hugs lovely x From what I can gather from the many posters on here the Drs normally put people on quite low doses to start with and keep increasing them until the dose is right, so hopefully that will help some.

The other thing that someone else said is that it's not entirely PND but severe sleep deprivation sad You need more sleep. You need to do whatever it takes to get that. You have BF DS for a good while - maybe it's time to consider mixed feeding so that DH can do nights & whilst co-sleeping is 'nice' it's not the right answer for everyone - maybe you could look at having DS in a cot in your room, you might all sleep better. You can't carry on like this.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:51

Also I had counciling for 6 weeks, i did a parenting class, a first aid class, cooking lessons and food hygine course thru sure start centre to increase my confidence in being a parent to my son. Who will be 4 in Feb.

My dd will be 1 in a few weeks. I dont have PND with her and it is soooo different. I can now see what was depression and what was not.

Charleebird Fri 16-Nov-12 20:06:43

I had PND so bad i wanted to hurt my son every waking moment. I hated him. I felt like he had ruined my life. I wanted to punch him or throw him on the floor. I would never ever do that, but the thoughts were there. I am now fully recovered. Hes 4 years old and i look back and im shocked. But it was the depression talking. Please see your gp. X

Thank you. I have DS back now as he's still dreadfully tired and needs to go to sleep, but DH is cooking dinner so once DS is settled I shall have something lovely to eat and then I will go to bed.

And on Monday I will call the GP.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 16-Nov-12 19:54:25

hugs.

I wanted to throw my 11 day old baby at the wall at 2am in the morning because he wouldnt sleep and just cried all the time which made me feel guilty and crap.

I did Not hurt my baby.

My dh took him downstairs and put him to sleep in his carry cot and sleeped on the sofa with the carrycot on the floor next to him for 6 weeks so i could get some sleep.

It took me 18 months to have a full breakdown and get help sad

Im still on 150mg of sertaline.

But it gets better.

I've been there.

You need a break. Tomorrow. You're having a little one now, but get DH to take them both for a walk, or to tesco, or anything. Have a hot bath, some chocolate, read or watch some crap on TV. Doze if you can. Just a couple of hours to yourself, at home, without being mummy might be enough to help you through to an improved place.

It sounds very like intrusive thoughts, as MrsW said. They're fucking horrible things. Have a chat with your GP.

<hugs>

MrsWolowitz Fri 16-Nov-12 19:46:24

Oh poor you.

I'm currently afflicted with PND and am off work sick with it, its a terrible illness.

Are you aware of intrusive thoughts? I think things like you have described and felt so terribly guilty. Its not that I would ever do it but I would get these desturbing compulsions and thoughts. Turns out its intrusive thoughts.

You are not a bad mother. You are just unwell and you will get better.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:43:28

I packed my rucksack at 2am and fully intended to walk out the door due to PND and sleep deprivation. It is overwhelming. It's awful.

You will get through this. You will. It's the weekend, does that mean no work for you or DH? Sleep is your priority in the next 48 hours - grab as much as you can. Then see your GP and they will advise whether your ADs are working ineffectively due to illness and lack of sleep or if they need to be changed.

ImNotCute Fri 16-Nov-12 19:42:19

No need to feel foolish, it is overwhelming sometimes. Hope you have an ok night and dh can give you a break over the weekend.

Badvocsanta Fri 16-Nov-12 19:40:04

((Hugs))

I had CBT last time and try to use the techniques as often as I remember.

I'm lying in the dark now with white noise on and I feel a bit foolish about my panic. It was just so overwhelming.

MyLastDuchess Fri 16-Nov-12 19:36:31

I am lucky that I didn't have PND but I wanted to remind you that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. I spent a week in hospital when my DS was born and what with one thing and another I barely got a wink of sleep. I was hallucinating at the end of it. Lack of sleep can cause all sorts of problems, it doesn't mean the meds aren't working.

Get as much sleep as you can and if your DH can do anything at all to let you sleep tomorrow then please, ask him to do it. It sounds like you need it desperately, you poor thing.

ImNotCute Fri 16-Nov-12 19:31:07

Glad you're getting a break now. I have 2 young dcs and am on sertraline too. My gp increased my dose a couple of months ago and it has definitely helped. Maybe you need higher dose too? And have you had any other treatment, i found a short course of cbt helpful.

Take care of yourself, you'll get through it. Even without depression it can be tough sometimes with reduced sleep.

Iceaddict Fri 16-Nov-12 19:29:34

Agree with others. Just wanted to say I get you. I've felt like you do. I hope you feel better soon, and you will be better it just doesn't feel like it now

Go to sleep puddle

Even if it's just for a few hours.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:27:54

Go and have a lie down. You don't have to try to sleep (I know the prospect of having to wake up in a short while can be stressful in itself). Just lie somewhere dark and let your mind drift away from the immediate stresses.

Thank you all for being so kind.

DH has put DD to bed and has DS now, so I have some peace for a little while before round 2 starts.

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