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I want to hit my baby

(54 Posts)

I won't. He is not at risk of abuse, I will not harm him. But the urge is there.

I am alone with him as DH has taken DD to the doctor. I haven't had an unbroken night's sleep since before DD was born (she is 3.4) and have had less than 3 hours a night all week as we all have horrible colds and DS can barely breathe, he's so stuffy.

I was going to take DD to the doctor except that DS started rubbing his eyes and yawning so I had to stay here with him. An hour later and he's still fucking awake. I am tired, I am exhausted, I am in pain from my back and sinuses and I am a horrible mother because I keep getting the urge to slap him.

I am on Sertraline for PND (second time around

Posted too soon as DS headbutted me. I don't know whether this is due to tiredness or depression or what but I don't want to feel like this.

Vivalebeaver Fri 16-Nov-12 18:58:30

You're not a horrible mother as you're not acting on these feelings.

Does your Dh know? Can you talk to him?

Do you feel you could tell your gp? Maybe your meds need tweaking?

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 18:59:18

Oh god, you poor poor poor thing. I can vividly remember standing in the doorway of my old house not daring to go in because I knew I would throw her out of the window,undiagnosed PND.
Can your DH sort them both out tonight so you can go to sleep. Can you on me where you live and if I am near I can help you. It is a desperate feeling but it will pass.
Also go to your doctor to review your medication if you are still feeling,like this.

44SoStartingOver Fri 16-Nov-12 18:59:52

Put baby in cot now.

Call your husband.

You need to get some help now.

He won't come to any harm in his cot. Stay away from him for now.

Stay calm and take precautions.

DH knows about the depression but not about this. I don't know how my GP would react if I told her.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 19:01:15

Oh Puddle I have been there and it is horrid. You are not a bad mother, you are unwell.

Will your DH take over with them both when he gets back?

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:01:59

It could be a combination of both. The optimum conditions for ADs to work can't be as little sleep as you have had this week.

Are you able to do shifts with your DH wrt sleep? Even if that means one of you getting your head down as early as 7pm, until 11?

sleepyhead Fri 16-Nov-12 19:02:30

You need to see your GP again - there's no shame in what you've said, but you do need to tell someone.

You also need sleep. Could you even have a night in a Travelodge or stay overnight with a friend or something if dd & ds are both keeping you up? Dh can manage a night on his own surely?

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:02:36

Have you got any rl help nearby? And I meant pm me...!

Once DD is settled DH can take over with DS - DD is being a Daddy's girl atm and I'm not good enough for her. sad I know it's a phase but I feel like I'm such a rubbish mother to both of them.

DS is happily crawling around the bed atm.

44SoStartingOver Fri 16-Nov-12 19:03:16

I think you should tell dh so he understands more fully

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 19:03:17

Yes where are you?

Your GP will think you have done the right thing by talking about it.

No one will judge you.

PND is horrific, but you have to talk about it to the GP, to your DH in order to get help.

Put the baby in the cot and go and make yourself a coffee.

ArthurandGeorge Fri 16-Nov-12 19:04:39

You must tell your DH and your GP about your thoughts (and have you had any thoughts about harming yourself)?

Tonight you need some sleep. Tell your DH this and if you can get any help with your DC get it.

When you tell your GP she should be understanding and supportive. She shoulfd offer to refer you on to specialist support, get your HV to see if their service can offer you any more help and consider if you are on the right meds/dose.

DH deals with DD at night while I look after DS (he's high-needs, very demanding and breastfed so we co-sleep). DD is a restless sleeper.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:06:02

The 'rubbish mother' feelings are the PND talking. You know that, but the sleep deprivation is clouding things.

Get through tonight, split the sleep into 4hr blocks and go and see your GP on Monday.

I'm in West Sussex. As well as DH my parents are nearby but they're both ill atm too, otherwise my mum could help out.

No thoughts about harming myself, which is actually progress as I'm a lifelong self-harmer. And I know I will not hurt DS. It just frightens me that the thought popped into my head.

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:08:02

Also can you do anything to help dd, blackout blinds, milky drink, sticker chart to keep her in bed? Sleep deprivation is such a bastard, coupled with PND it must just be unbearable. Is dd at nursery in the week? And does DS sleep in the day, ie can you catch up at all?
You have masses of sympathy from me, and I echo the others, your DH needs to know how bad you feel.

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:10:15

Ok, think this... You only have max 48 hours left to go until the cold starts to clear up, for all of you and your mum. Give the DC's to DH, go to bed and as beer says, go to the doc on Monday. Am not anywhere near you so am sorry I can't pop over and take over. X

Oh DD sleeps fairly well and stays I'm bed, but she suffers from nightmares and is a sleep-talker/shouter too.

I will talk to DH later.

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:11:32

(((hug)))

decktheballs Fri 16-Nov-12 19:12:17

First time I have admitted to having those thoughts too. Ds1 is now seven and I had undiagnosed pnd. They do pass but it would be helpful if you could mention it to your dr and dh if you think he would understand? Mines wouldn't which made things harder.
It WILL get better.

BillyBollyBandy Fri 16-Nov-12 19:15:06

You will be okay, thoughts can come into your head when you are tired past exhaustion. It isn't always connected with mental health.

You know you won't hurt him, and I trust you on that, but you need to tell your DH and you need to see the GP about possibly increasing the meds.

I've been there, so I genuinely do know what you are talking about.

If you can express,or bottle feed, to get yourself some rest do it

I thought ADs would help, would make this easier to cope with. But I'm struggling just as badly as I did the first time I had PND, when I refused medication. I thought the ADs were working but I guess they can't be if I feel like this.

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