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Feeling like I shouldn't have been so honest...(5 Posts)
...about how angry I get with the kids. I spoke with my GP who put me in contact a local support service for CBT and counselling. I had an assessment phone call and the help they offered me was 'guided self help calls' and they said they would contact a HV check that I was 'coping' ok at home. The girl on the phone seemed to think that my problems were all stress related due to work and bringing up two small children. I made it clear that it's not stress, it's the way I am and want to change that.
A bit of background. I get easily irritated. Always have, it's in the family. I say in the family, I am beginning to act like my mother and her mother and expect her mother etc.
As a teenager my mother has depression and to put it mildly, I didn't like her. She got easily irritated and when i say easily irritated I mean over the slightest thing. The noise someone made when they were eating, breathing and fidgeting. She would snap in the most ugly way, clenching her fists and making horrible faces. She would fly off the handle at the smallest thing. As a 15 year old, I wasn't able to understand why she was like that and I told her, many times. This just lead to arguments and lots of them. She never explained it to me... I had to wait until I turned into this crazy person myself to realise that it's a mental health issue and needs to be resolved before I have the breakdown that she inevitably had.
I don't want my children to feel about me, the way I felt about her. So I had to get help. Anyway, what I am upset about is the idea of a HV calling. I feel so mad with the service, with myself, with my friends who I know are probably 'worse' at controlling their anger than I am. I am unreasonably mad with my friends because I have sought help but I am the one that will be made to feel like a regular on Jeremy Kyle
I guess I have no question really, I will have to put up with the stigma of having the health visitor call round to check up on us if I am to make use of the help I can get in the form of counselling.
I can really emphasise with this- my experience of being "too honest" with a GP who wasn't my usual one lead to the SS being notified about me and a quick trip to the psych hospital for an assessment Twas a very cathartic experience in the end, and something I would not change about my past. I hope your HV visit is similarily useful. Why do you think they are a stigma?
I am also so sorry that you feel this was- mine was loveley and I really enjoyed her visits while i struggled with PND. I saw visiting and being visited by her as a help and a service, no different from seeing the GP when ill or taking DD in to get her vaccines. She has really been an ear to listen to, and a shoulder to lean on (though I understand from here that not everyone is as lucky as I was). Mine also offered advice, rather than dictates. It's great that you are taking whatever help is offered, no matter how distasteful you find it.
Does your HV service offer a drop-in clinic? (mine does) if so, could you pop by for help or else call and make an appointment, so the discussion is on your terms from the outset?
I'm also sorry that your family was the way mine was- all shouting and anger at the tiniest things, children needing to hop-to as soon as the adults called but the adults not offering the same "drop what you're doing and listen" courtesy... Was smacking a feature in growing up? The naughty corner/time outs?
I am also trying to understand what's normal stress/anger reactions, and what is me being inapproprate.
Can I ask how old you are OP wondered if it might be hormonal for you and your mom. Was thinking maybe it is the menopause as have heard people speak of personality changes when going through this rather than it being a mental health issue ?
Or possible PMS. Was your mom like it all the time ? Are you constantly irritable or does it fluctate? If so try keeping a diary.
Think you are doing the right thing getting help
The fact that you asked for help will be a major factor in the HV understanding that you are a good mum, that you recognise snapping at your children for minor mistakes is not good and that you want to improve.
The HV will see so many parents who have no idea or understanding that their behaviour is not helpful, from smoking in front of the kids to full on neglect.
You have done the right thing, the HV is there to support not judge.
Perhaps as you learn ways of coping your friends who are 'worse' will start to learn from you and become better parents too
I think your actions speak loudly that you are a caring mum
Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.
MrsMuddypuddles - I don't think I am the only person who feels that having HV check up on you is not something you want to shout from the hills about. This is what I talk about when I say stigma. My HV's don't operate on a drop in basis, I don't think so anyway. I hope I get as much out of it as you have...
Smacking wasn't a regular feature in my childhood - I can remember just once, being smacked and sent to my room. Though I can't remember much from my childhood so that doesn't say a lot!!
Kerstina - I do think a lot of it has to do with PMT. NOt sure that is the cause of my problems, more that it exaggerates them at that time of month.
Hopeforever - thank you, I think I just need to keep an open mind and remember that I have nothing to hide so shouldn't be so defensive.
I feel a bit better about the idea today, I just want to get the help I need to be a better parent and if that means having to deal with hv's then so be it.
When I was diagnosed with PND after my son's birth - I had a HV call at my door while I was in the shower. My elder son was at the door - speaking to her through the letterbox!! She said they sent a letter out that they were calling round but I had only been to the GP the day before... so they really were checking up on me to see if anything untoward was going on... and to find a child, not dressed and his mother no-where to be seen must have been a field day for them...
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