This sounds soooo bloody pathetic....

[moonblushtomato]

.....So pathetic that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in RL about it for fear of them thinking I'm an insecure, neurotic idiot (which I probably am)

Basically, there's a mum I see on the school run who also lives quite close by to me and we have a bit of history in that when she moved into the area we and our DHs became friendly, but then it sort of fizzled out.

The crux of this is that I really feel that she/they dislike me and I find that very hard to deal with (I told you it was pathetic)

Every time I see either of them my stomach churns and I wonder what to say and scrutinise what they say or don't say to me. There are days when it's all I think about. Why am I like this?

When I've touched on the subject with DH he has correctly reminded me that I was the one who didn't encourage the friendship further.

I wish I could get some perspective on this, all these negative thoughts have become a horrible habit.

How do I break out of this habit?

[TheSilverPussycat]

What evidence is there that she actively dislikes you? If it is just a feeling you have, then it may be that low self-esteem is causing you to obsess about this. FWIW I have felt the same at various points in the past.

You could try interrupting the thoughts when you notice you have them. Wearing a rubber band on your wrist and pinging it when you notice is one fairly well known thought-stopping strategy.

[amazingmumof6]

next time you see them smile and say hello. casually, not in a desperate way... they will react somehow and then you can take it from there. friendships do come and go, but if you just say "long time no see, how are you" sort of thing you get a chance to get rid of your habit of feeling bad.
And you know, if you look grumpy (because you feel awful) they might think that you actually have a problem with them, and so the avalanche begins...
And think about why you didn't encourage the friendship...perhaps there's an answer there...if you don't want to be friends that's fine, no need for guilt!

[moonblushtomato]

Wow! What wise women you all are! Thanks so much for all the advice
silverpussycat - you are right, there is no actual evidence that she actively dislikes me! I'd never heard of the rubber band strategy - I like the sound of that!!

amazingmumof6 - everything you say is so so true and pertinent! An avalanche is a brilliant way of describing what happens when one negative thought leads to another for no real reason. Most importantly Ithink you're right about the guilt factor. I am always constantly trying to please everyone and if I can't it doesn't sit well with me. And, obviously it isn't always possible or preferable to please everyone.

I'm off to find a rubber band now

[amazingmumof6]

I've learnt the hard way that being a bit selfish is just a way of self-preservation. you don't owe anyone anything and absolutely don't have to please everyone! If you want to and can, great! otherwise just do what you must and the rest is optional. Your opinion and feelings matter, at least as much as anyone else's - repeat this if you start feeling guilty. I'm so not a feminist, but I hate it when it is assumed that mum's going to put up with any old crap! you have to demand respect and that's starting with self-respect! It feels strange to say no to other people's requests (real or fictional!), but start practicing and you'll get better at it. think of what you want and let others trying to please you sometimes! Just be matter-of-fact and stick to your guns.
there's this fear that if you say/get what you want people will love you less or you might let them down...b*llocks to that. if they love you they will love you anyway. If they don't, good riddance!

I'd love to know how you get on with "ex" friends...

[moonblushtomato]

Thanks a lot amazingmumof6 for all yr lovely advice. Have decided to be positive and friendly when I see them, which as you say will stop the avalanche of negativity and will hopefully help me to be more positive too, generally.

again

[moonblushtomato]

I've been applying a new cheerful approach this week and ended up having a long conversation with the husband about all sorts of things. It made me feel alot more relaxed yet also reinforced why the friendship fizzled!!!! Small doses is fine