Mumsnet Talk

Severe PND, now with Crisis team. Initially really struggled with DH but following his use of his employers counselling service he started to understand where I am and has been fab for the last few weekends. Phew

Nearly two weeks ago I started SH. When DH came home that Fri I laid myself bare and told him. He was really good about it and didn't freak out, seemed to understand it was how I am coping and staying alive. Didn't say to him "don't tell anybody" because it never crossed my mind even for a nano second that he would treat what I told him in anything other than the absolute strictest of confidence.

Found out last night he has told my parents

I am devastated I trusted him with my deepest, darkest thoughts. Right now I feel that I do not want him party to any further information about my state of mind or care. I have the crisis team back out today, and I don't want him in the room. I now don't feel comfortable around him and have asked them to see if they can find me a place in an MBU

I have never felt so let down

But I know I am über sensitive right now.....

I'm sorry. It sounds like he did the wrong thing but I would imagine he was doing it for the right reasons - I bet he felt scared and helpless and just needed someone to share that with, someone he knew loved you too. I hope you get the support you need, and I'm not belittling what he did, I do get why you feel betrayed.

Oh you poor thing. I was in a similar position to you a couple of years ago - I had severe PND, had started SH again and actually came close to suicide. It must have taken a lot for you to confide in your DH and I understand why you feel so betrayed. How are your parents likely to have taken it, will they be supportive or horrified? Has he explained why he told them? It may be that he was concerned and wanted someone to confide in, or he thought they'd be additional support for you.

I struggled when I found out that DH had been discussing my MH problems with my mum but tbf the poor man was going out of his head with worry and needed someone to lean on while he looked after me. Your DH may have felt the same.

An MBU is an awfully big step - is that something you would have considered if this situations hadn't arisen? Have you told DH that you've asked for a place?

I think your priority should be getting a space where you feel safe to process what you're going through. A MBU is not a bad idea if it will give you that space.

When things have calmed down a bit, have a think about how this crisis could have been handled better. You may find a wellness recovery action plan a useful tool. It's a booklet you can fill in and has a section on what you would want to happen in a crisis, including who should be told and who definitely shouldn't. If you're to trust your DH again you'll need to talk to him and be clear about not divulging information. Unless there are other issues going on between you, he probably told them because he was really worried about you but I completely understand not wanting your parents to know. He probably does need somebody he can talk things over with though - perhaps somebody completely uninvolved who you're never likely to meet?

I'm so sorry you're going through this ((hug))

Hi.

He hasn't really been able to explain why he told them. I had asked him to stay in touch with my mum, but also said the purpose of contacting her was to reassure her that I am being totally honest with my HCPs and that I am being looked after. He isn't leaning on them, his relationship with them has always been only OK. He is leaning on people at work including the counselling service I mentioned, which I am fine about.

He has done nothing but apologise today. The trouble is, much as we would both like to turn the clock back, we can't. Yesterday afternoon I felt calm, dull, slightly numb and generally OK about the weekend...it yawned a bit blankly in front of me, but looked boring more than anything. And that's OK.

But today now this has happened, I am tense, jumpy, anxious, on edge. I am not sure how safe I feel at home now. Might be OK if he goes back to work on Monday morning, but I know the crisis team will to be happy at the prospect of me home along with the kids for a week. Over the last week I have been increasingly starting to feel that I shouldn't be around the kids anyway, that I am seriously bad new for them (at least at the moment). So with this as well I am not sure what else to do except ask for an MBU place.

Bet I don't get one though!!

Thanks for the link PPG. Looks good for when I feel a little better

If there's a place available I think you should consider it. It could take the pressure off - you'd know your DC were OK and could focus on you a bit more (Am I right in assuming you have older DC too? Can you make arrangements for them?) It would also mean you didn't have to see your DP or your parents or anybody else you don't want to see - just for a short while, until you've come through this crisis.

Otherwise, do you have anybody else you could stay with, or spend time with while your DP is at work?

TBH if they can come up with a place right now I feel like I would bite their hands off for it. But such things take time.

I feel like poison around the children, but if somebody else is here to look after them then I will sink without trace. It's only looking after them that keeps me going. But I want to get away from them, for their sake. And I know it's only two small steps from this point to the endpoint... But I'm not there right now, anyhow.

The MBU would ideally support you in building your relationship with your children. You'd still be there to look after them but you'd be supported in that and be given some proper child free time to work through this.

Having said that, I'm not sure what MBU s are like these days. I worked in one quite a few years ago and they mightn't be as good as they were. Check out exactly what might be available and don't be afraid to ask for and accept help.

I'm not sure whether I'll be on MN much over the next few days but I'll be thinking of you. Do keep posting, you should get a lot of support on this forum

x

I think in him telling your parents he is demonstrating just how worried he is and how seriously he is taking your condition.
I would be touched if dh did this i think. Dont add to your problems sweetie you have enough on your plate.
I am just coming through pnd with the help of ads it is still bad when im pre menstrual but i feel loads better. xx She is a year btw.

Hi OP, how are things going?

Meh.

I've contacted my mother to gently and politely ask for her side of the story. Maybe this will prove to be a mistake in the end, but as I have to live with DH I want to try and work out how much to "blame" him, if that makes any sense?

I don't think the crisis team are truly getting where I am. Because the house is clean(ish), tidy (ish), meals are cooked, the children are looked after etc they are coming in and seeing somebody who is coping OK. They don't know me, though. They don't know what it is costing me to keep the DCs lives intact I have a GP appt tomorrow though, feels like a lot I want to talk aout

Do the crisis team know about your SH? It sounds like you hide your distress well and continue to give the appearance of coping - you may need to tell them what's really going on to access the help you need. I hope it goes well at the GP's tomorrow - do make the most of it and be honest (and forthright if needs be) about how you are feeling.

In terms of sorting out who said what to who and who deserves "blame" - (I'm assuming here that there are no underlying probs with your DH or parents) if you possibly can, leave it for a few days - the important thing right now is to get through this and make sure you and your DC are safe and getting the help you need. The rest can wait.

I'll be thinking of you
x

They do know. But they are very rational about it so it doesn't really seem to concern them.

I feel so in limbo still, just waiting and waiting for some kind of decent, long term help to arrive

I have managed to forgive DH after hearing from my mother, so I guess it was the right thing (for me) to do, contacting her. Told DH we have to accept there will be some damage to things between us, but that I will try and he knows it is OK to ask questions, but accept I may have to say that I'm not comfortable answering that right now. I think that's the best I can do?

Still home, still screaming and feeling like nobody is hearing me. CRT yesterday basically admitted they are not looking for an MBU place right now. I am absolutely terrified I am going to deteriorate further and rapidly, then we will all suddenly be in a place where admission is needed, and then they will force me into our local place without the baby . I have said this to them, I have asked them to get me and the LO away safely and together before the meltdown comes. But they are pretty much saying that until the meltdown happens I don't warrant a place

When I was cutting last night I so wanted to stop bothering with my arms and do my wrists

I'm so sorry you're going through this and finding it so hard to get the help you need. It's awful that they are leaving you to SH like this - what support are they offering if an admission is not possible at the moment? Was the GP any help?

If you are feeling suicidal, please talk to someone and carry on talking to people until they listen. You could go back to the GP - insist on an emergency appointment, keep phoning the crisis team - make a nuisance of yourself if you need to. If it comes to it, take yourself to A&E.

You can phone samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 or email: jo@samaritans.org. If there's a branch near you, you can drop in and talk to someone. Details here

Do you have a branch of Mind near you? You can find out here. The one near me offers crisis counselling as well as long term help and you can self-refer, even if you're already being seen by CMHT.

How did it go with your mother - is she supportive? Could you stay with her for a while? Any friends you can call on for support?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm really worried about you.

Spoke to one of the more useful CPNs from the team this morning. I rang them because I had opportunity and means, and spent 20 minutes sat thinking about doing it, shaking like a leaf. She has been honest and said they are not looking for an MBU place as I am not unwell enough. They will increase the frequency of their visits and calls, visiting twice daily if needed and calling every 2-3 hours in between. And they're getting me some tranqs to help me get through the days. She did try to reassure me that they can keep people at home whilst still quite a bit worse than I currently am, to try and allay my anxiety about the LO.

OK, make sure they do keep to the extra visits and calls. Hassle them if they don't, and don't be afraid to let them know how much distress you're in.

What was it that made phoning them so nervewracking?

Still thinking of you
x

It wasn't phoning them that was making me shake, it was what I was contemplating. Hence why I rang them. Anyway, have something to take the next time that hits.

But I think something shifted yesterday...very small and still slightly uncertain if it's real. No idea if a long term or short term shift, either. But I have a little bit of fight in me today. CRT have been rubbish about meds today, and instead of letting it wash over me not caring, I have been proactive sorting it out.

I sh from the age of 16 as it was the only way I could cope. I only told one of my best mates and my current dp when we got together. He also was amazing about it but has threatened to tell my parents a few times. E has however never told them. But I can see why yours would have thought this might e for the best. He was obviously worried about you.

Hi Wantto how are things? Sounds like things were going well on Friday - yay, you got through the week! how was the weekend?

Sazbrilla I hope things are better for you now x

Hi POPG nice of you to enquire. Things are OK - CRT discharged me yesterday, so I guess I am officially "safe" now. A whole host of little things came together over thu/fri/sat to bring about a definite shift and I have accepted I am staying here though am still SH for now. Feel quite anxious about what happens next, as I'm kind of at that point where I could just bury everything, but I know it needs getting to the bottom of. Thanks for your support this last week