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Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

(700 Posts)
Ineversignedupforthis Tue 18-Oct-11 05:37:56

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

ChildofIsis Tue 18-Oct-11 06:13:53

I am with you, I am not bi-polar but have recently had xh leave me and am usually up at 4am too.

Unusually I didn't wake till 5.45am today. The latest I've slept since the beginning of september. Mind you I hardly slept at all on sunday night.

Xh had been round to put DD; age 5; to bed and we were talking about visitation times, he won't see DD when she wants him to , only when it suits him and his new family.
He is so passive aggressive and is an only child too. I have known he is like this but was in love with him and made allowances.
So much so that he's been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and has an 18 mth old dd with his mistress. All under my nose I might add.

We'd been together 28 yrs.

You have my sympathy.

Ineversignedupforthis Tue 18-Oct-11 06:18:38

Oh Child <hug> Its Pants. My oh not an only child, but treated very much as Best Boy by controlling mil.She would deny this, but she actually 'fought' me for him 20 years ago, as if he were here dp and not son. She has a lot to answer for. Any bells ringing for you at all?

ChildofIsis Tue 18-Oct-11 12:43:09

You have just described what happened to me!
I made xh choose between us eventually.
The whole mil situation was frankly dreadfull.
MIL would say jump and xh would be in the air before he asked how high.

Eventually xh realised who was his wife and that his mum was a manipulating controller. It hit him really hard and he never thought of his mum the same way again.
She died 6.5 years ago whilst we were ttc.

Ineversignedupforthis Tue 18-Oct-11 13:36:59

And yet he still went on to sabotage the relationship, even without her influence? sorry, don't answer if too personal, just confused.

Ineversignedupforthis Tue 18-Oct-11 17:00:09

Sorry Child didn't mean to sound so blunt, and I'm not really suprised, just why would anyone do that. It's so stupid, and it spoils their life as well as ours. If he has real commitment problems, the new relationship might not last either. A friend of mine was dumped by her husband recently, and is dead difficult re access, and now the dc's don't really want to see him, and they were old enough to choose. Very sad part is he has a previous family he has done this with, and it went the same way, and his previous grown-up dc's won't see him. It's like they can't/won't learn anything from their mistakes.

Ineversignedupforthis Wed 19-Oct-11 03:16:17

Up again. Anyone else?

ChildofIsis Wed 19-Oct-11 05:44:29

I'm up again.
Same old same old here.

My belief is that xh wasn't prepared to take a back seat when DD came along. She was a planned baby and is very much loved by both of us. However he'd had exclusive access to me for 23 years before DD.
In his new life he's never had to be dad. Never been there over night (until our split) never had to do any of the night changes etc.

He is a very hands on dad when he's with DD. He got up with us 3 and 4 times a night to do nappy changes when she was a baby, always been willing to look after her and take her out and about by himself.
He's never done any of that with ow.

Recently his parenting ability had been pretty poor as he was struggling with his guilt and was avoiding me and ended up ignoring DD.
Since he left he has upped his game a bit.
I don't really think it can be said that he has committment issues, we were together 28 years.
He's just selfish and self-absorbed.

Ineversignedupforthis Wed 19-Oct-11 08:08:21

Very sad. Sounds quite narcissistic(sp).

ChildofIsis Wed 19-Oct-11 11:43:51

I agree completely.
The biggest laugh is that OW is exactly the same.
I'm not sure if you can have 2 top dogs in one relationship. It'll be interesting watching.

Ineversignedupforthis Wed 19-Oct-11 11:48:01

How long do you give it until it combusts?

ChildofIsis Wed 19-Oct-11 12:18:16

My dear friend said it won't last til xh's 50th birthday next April!

A friend of xh's says that he can't wait to sell ring side tickets to their break-up, apparently I've been 'too nice' and haven't provided any sport at all!

I just have a feeling that he'll end up alone with us on one side and them on the other.
I'm fairly certain that his better relationship will be with us.

I told him he was very lucky that this split was with me as I'm possibly the nicest person he's ever met!

I'm very much into living my life in gratitude and forgiveness. It certainly helps in the darkest hours.

Ineversignedupforthis Wed 19-Oct-11 14:57:14

Yes, i was suprised that he had another child comparitively quickly <>Makes you wonder if he was in fact in agrreement with it.

ChildofIsis Wed 19-Oct-11 16:46:25

We all knew ow was desperate to have a child so any fool having unprotected sex with her was going to end up a father.
Xh maintains that the child was planned!
He says they started the affair at the beginning of march 09, ow was pregnant by the end of april 09.
I'm assuming that there was an emotional affair going on for some time before that.

It's all academical now though.
He's gone, I don't want him back.
We're negotiating a new way of being together as parents to our DD.

I'm quite proud of how DD and I are dealing with this.
We're really enjoying living with each other without xh.

Ineversignedupforthis Wed 19-Oct-11 17:45:14

Good to hear.x

Ineversignedupforthis Thu 20-Oct-11 08:24:39

Actually slept until 7 this morning, and only woke up because I had left the bast**d alarm clock on. Things are more manageable if I'm sleeping.

Anyone else up, feel like this has become a Child and me thread.

How are you Child?

ChildofIsis Thu 20-Oct-11 08:57:35

Maybe it us just you and me. A totally inclusive thread!

Do you know I'm great at the moment.
I seem able to view xh as DD's dad rather than my cheating h and it makes for a much easier life.

The electrician is creating more dust than a storm in the sahara, but it will be great when my new room is finished. The attic 'workroom' is becoming my new room.
I've wanted a bigger bedroom ever since I moved to this house.
DD also gets to have a bigger room when she moves into my old one.
A win win situation.

I am full of hope and joy today.
My newly found (made contact in May) birth mother and her husband are coming to see us next week; for the week; so DD and I are very much looking forward to that.
Mind you that's a thread by itself.

I hope things are getting easier for you too. it looks like we're all sleeping a bit longer which certainly helps make life look better.

Ineversignedupforthis Thu 20-Oct-11 09:05:03

Wow Child sounds real good! I think a new bedroom is an excellent idea, almost like moving on....you could have it pink if you wanted, or zebra stripes or anything you jolly well like! Not suggesting that would necessarily be my taste. Have you been able to do it exactly as you like?

ChildofIsis Thu 20-Oct-11 12:06:57

I'm waiting to have it over-skimmed in 2 weeks time.

I'm going for pale walls; it's the attic; with dark red/ purple/ burgundy accessories.
I've already got some new bedding, the type with the large colourfull flowers on.
The kind of thing xh would've hated!

And I can have flannelette sheets now too.
Lots of silver linings in this cloud of mine.

Ineversignedupforthis Thu 20-Oct-11 14:44:32

Yeah! Sounds good to me!

Ineversignedupforthis Fri 21-Oct-11 07:11:13

Morning all. Been awake since 6, which almost counts as a lie-in these days....anyone else? childs, fancy a brew? Ps I have bedroom envy...

ChildofIsis Fri 21-Oct-11 07:31:59

Hi there, I did get a lie-in 6.30am!
Mind you that's on the back of being up twice in the night to a coughing mucus monster and then not being able to get back to sleep.

Whilst I love the idea of my new bedroom I so wish I wasn't in this position in the first place.
'I never signed up for this' either!! Ha Ha.

Ineversignedupforthis Fri 21-Oct-11 07:49:57

I know...I'm not making light of it. I had to change my name cos of ph(pig husband) stalking...but when its all sorted I'll get a more cheerful name. What is Child of Isis btw..Greek mythology?

ChildofIsis Fri 21-Oct-11 15:40:58

I am a witch who is a priestess of Isis, (egyptian Goddess).
In egyptian mythology all children are watched over by Isis and mothers are cared for by the Goddess Hathor.

It's a bad deal when you can't speak your mind in cyber space isn't it?
Xh knows of my attachment to MN, but I don't think he'd stalk me.
Mind you I didn't think he shit on me from a great height either.

Having an odd wobble today.
Xh doing school run and taking DD to his for her tea. I am happy that he's doing that but am feeling odd that I'm not seeing DD after school.

I suppose there'll be lots of 'new' things that I'll get used to eventually.

Ineversignedupforthis Fri 21-Oct-11 15:44:17

You will Child, eventually. You learn summat everyday (my name not nearly as clever emoticon) smile

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