Hi all I'm back from holiday - with a decision to go back to the doctor...

[madmouse]

We had a great time camping - ds in particular had a wonderful time. I enjoyed it too but part of most days was ruined by stress and anxiety

Lots of childhood anxieties from camping came straight back (guess that has to do with childhood memories in general returning?) - like seeing a plume of smoke 6 miles away and panicking about forest fires, and things like ds having a hot cheek and squeezing one eye a bit for a few hours really setting me off. Basically I was constantly worrying about something. Also very jumpy. DH said my stress levels are 'interesting'. He's very patient bless him, but concerned.

Need to ask the doc to refer me for more counselling - CBT this time i think, because I notice my brain is just looking for something to worry about and that needs to stop. Most ridiculous example: we had a very busy morning at a horse rescue centre. it was hot and ds had been very busy. He fell asleep in the car in minutes and stayed asleep in dh''s arms while we went through Morrisons for some supplies. I panicked that something was wrong with him, could not think what, still panicked and got totally stressed making a mess of the shopping, couldn't think, snapped at dh etc.

My good friend texted to ask if I was managing to relax - I said hit and miss, decided to see doc and he said that it was a good idea.


Seriously wondering if I will ever be fixed.

[StealthPolarBear]

sorry, no advice but sympathy
Surely the fact you are so self aware should eb a good thing though? You can reflect afterwards and see your behaviour for what it is

[PGTip]

Agree with SPB self awareness is so important and you're tackling it head in, that takes courage

I have mantra that I use to get me thro those times where I look for something to panic about "inch by inch life's a cinch, yard by yard it's very hard". By this i mean that i have had times when I haven't been able to think more than 5 minutes in the future without my anxiety levels reaching fever pitch, so I don't, I concentrate on the immediate. As I get 'better' I can think further. Don't know if will help but thought I would share one of my coping mechanisms.

[StealthPolarBear]

how are you doing?

[madmouse]

Thanks for replies

I'm mentally bone tired.

I've battled my way through 2 years of PTSD and therapy and I thought I was finally there.

Now facing more counselling and hard work when all I want to do is live a little. And dreading back to work on Monday because stress there has been getting out of hand and boss is not that helpful.

[StealthPolarBear]

not good about work :( Is there anthing you could change to change your life and allow you to 'live a little'?

[madmouse]

the job is ideal - part time, enabling me to keep my hand in my field. But things have become too much. I have had a meeting with my boss and her boss and there will be more meetings. Fear that boss will obstruct changes though.

Trusted friend has suggested maybe it is time to leave the field for a while. But I don't want to - it's my calling...

[StealthPolarBear]

:( sorry I can't be any help. Off to bed v soon but will be around tomrrow if you want to vent. or join my one woman mission against marking down cupcakes at the PTA sales :o

[madmouse]

oooh that sounds great for my stress levels.....something to take it out on

thank you x

[NanaNina]

Sorry to hear you have been struggling madmouse. I know that counselling has helped you a lot in the past, and hope that you will get benefits this time. Glad mouseling had a good time. Why does your DH think your anxiety is "interesting" - afraid a comment like that would annoy me. Am having a rough time myself at the moment - chest infection and a big depression blip together.........

I know you love your job even though it is causing you stress at the minute - but you may be stressed if you didn't have the job. No easy answers are there.

[madmouse]

Hi NanaNina sorry you are feeling so rough - hope it picks up soon. Feeling low physically, and actually particularly in the chest area (I'm asthmatic) has a massive impact on my mood.

DH saying that is ok with me. It's his way of saying he's worried and it's a way of keeping his patience when I drive him round the bend. He has mild aspergers so my emotions can be a challenge for him at times and he tends to go analytical. That's fine - I love him as he is and he has been brilliant with my random panics.

[Lilyloo]

mm what a shame that camping brought your anxiety levels back up , ds looked like he had a fab time he is a natural camper x

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Just seen this madmouse as you know I have been away too.

So sorry you struggled I think you are being sensible going back to the doc.

[madmouse]

Well seeing my GP 8.40 tomorrow morning. Am going to ask for referral for CBT. Anything else to ask for, anything else that may help?

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Madmouse I remember you saying to someone else on another thread that no-one is unfixable. That includes you.

You know that I've been having CBT. I highly recommend it. I've been popping balloons today, never thought I'd be able to do that in a million years after 30-odd years of being terrified of balloons. I wish you luck tomorrow with your GP - I'd let you take my place with the CBT if I could. I feel I am about to 'graduate' from CBT.

[madmouse]

Doc was good and helpful as always.

have a number to ring for counselling and he wants me to take 10mg citalopram.

Not sure I want to do that. Don't know what to do really

[madmouse]

most of all because I battled my way through PTSD with flashbacks, nightmares, no sleep, being suicidal the lot without any meds and it seems such a failure to now take pills for this pointless anxiety

[orangeflutie]

Hi madmouse Not sure what to say really as it must all be very frustrating.

Try the counselling as it can't do any harm. I understand how you feel about meds especially if you've come this far and managed without them. Is there anything else you can do that helps you relax?

[NanaNina]

I suppose if the meds (very low dose) are to take the edge of the anxiety, it might help. I don't think you should be seeing taking meds as a "failure" and the anxiety isn't "pointless" - it is real. I am sure this is what you would be saying to others!

[Hullygully]

Take the meds.

Could say a lot more, but that's the nub!

Good luck.

[kizzie]

Hi Madmouse - sorry things were difficult on holiday :(

If you are concerned about taking the medication I wonder if it might be worth giving things a few days to see if they settle down. i have had times over the last few years where (lovely) holiday have made myanxiety etc symptoms worse for no good reason. Something to do with not being in normal routines etc.

Either way hope you feel much better soon x

[cityhobgoblin]

Sorry you're having a period of anxiety , madmouse . I know how hard it is to trust your judgement at such times but there are a few cons to citalopram and I think kizzie's advice is good . I 'd give it 2 or 3 weeks more tbh - I know it's hard because you need to be well enough to care for ds , deal with work stress and support dh but you do have to do what's right for you , not only for your responsibilities .

( Sorry if this sounds very insensitive ... you always sound so hugely careful of your ds' and dh 's needs and I imagine any little incidents of feeling less patient , cheery etc than the mother you usually are , like the anxiety you felt in Morrison's , upset you greatly ).

Hopefully after a few days now you'll have longer periods without heightened anxiety and you can get a better sense of your misgivings about the citalopram , & whether you want to try it . Any concerns you have may be entirely valid , even though they're a great help to some people - you may decide to try them anyway . Or it may be a true case of gut instinct telling you you really would prefer them to be a last resort , but it's hard to access your instincts when v anxious .

Of course NanaNina is right - not a failure !! but if you mean that you have previously chosen not to take anti anxiety meds , you'll want to think back to understand all your reasons .
Hope you have a reasonable week.

[madmouse]

Hob there was a specific reason for not taking meds last time - I had been 'frozen' since childhood due to severe abuse and there was concern that meds would supress any newly emerging emotions. It did involve an awful lot of support from at times extremely worried friends and looking back maybe some meds would have been better and safer.

And if the anxiety was just in the holiday I would not even consider the pills - but it's been a problem for a long time and building up for the last few months.

DH is in favour of me taking them - saying it may also help my moodswings (which he says I have)

I'm still undecided...about the pills not the counselling, that's what I went in for in the first place.

[Upwardandonward]

What's the worst thing that could happen if you take the tablets? What's the worst that could happen if you don't take them?

I'd also be on the 'give them a try side, because of the impact the anxiety may be having on you.

Whet ever you decide, take care and be kind to yourself (anxiety can be a bear to deal with!)

[madmouse]

The worst thing? Probably me not being happy being on it while TTC - and mental health has stolen enough time (both mine and dh's ), my clock is ticking. And I'm afraid of changes to my feelings, which I haven't had for 25 years or so and which I'm barely getting used to.

Just feeling really confused and undecided.

[cityhobgoblin]

Hi madmouse , so sorry not to have replied but I couldn't do so last night , then my PC crashed when MN disabled Threads I'm On and I've only just got it working again . I felt particularly bad about it as I 'd written on a regular thread I'm on in MH just before the crash - I only nipped over there first because a poster poster there was due to find out some huge news today .

I'm very embarrassed that I forgot such a basic fact about the potential problems of using medication whilst dealing with certain stages of recovery from PTSD and apologise for my insensitivity < says she self - importantly > .

I really hope you can somehow reach enough calm and clarity to be able to see the options - but you probably feel those qualities have evaporated just when you need them most

Please excuse me taking most of the rest of the evening to remember a couple of things which have helped me make these deccisions in the past - I'm sure you'll have thought of them anyhow .

Hope you've had a reasonable day today.