I want to kill myself

[MogadoredMemoo]

I am not going to do anything to harm myself. I would never ever do that because I can't stand the thought of the pain it would cause my dc.

But fuck I am so tired of living with this shit every day. There is never any break from it, it's just a constant gut churning pain. Even when I'm asleep I have nightmares. I just want to lie down and never wake up.
And I'm dead inside anyway.

I know nobody can help me but I cant say this to anyone in real life and just needed to say it.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I have absolutely no idea what to say apart from how sorry I truly am to read your post, you sound so defeated. :(

Think of me as the useless next door neighbour doing hand holding and making sympathetic noises and cups of tea until the proper, useful people come along xx

[MogadoredMemoo]

I definitely won't ever do it maryz, just wish I could opt out if life for a while.

I do have anti-d etc, even been in hospital. But nothing works, I should be better but I'm as bad as ever. I think I'm broken beyond repair

[MogadoredMemoo]

Gwen, tea is good

[nettlemummy]

This is a horrible way to feel and you do not deserve to feel this way. You can go to your local A&E and tell them how you feel, it is an emergency and there are mental health professionals working there- if it was physical pain you were in then you would be given morphine or such like.
People can help you, there is an army worth of people that have been where you are today and are now experiencing the normal ordinary pleasures of life again.
Go to the hospital or GP and get some help
x x x

[MogadoredMemoo]

Thanks nettle but there is no point. I've had so many different meds and see a psychiatrist but nothing makes me better.

Just thought how attention seeking and self indulgent this thread sounds. I'm sorry

[FattyArbuckel]

You sound to me like counselling would really help you. Do you have the feeling of being "trapped" or "stuck" in life?

[FourFortyFour]

Memoo - PM me if you want to chat. We have spoken before and I know exactly how you feel.

[AtYourCervix]

Memoo. you got a cpn? crisis team? anyone?
or you and .

[barleywood]

Memoo...another useless handholder here.

If you need to say it..say it. Better here than bottling it up inside.

Are these feelings worse in the morning? Some times of the day can feel worse than others.

I feel so much for you when you say you feel dead inside. It describes such a desolate state.

There are probably lots of things contributing to the way you feel.

[MogadoredMemoo]

Do have a cpn, psychiatrist etc.

Definitely do feel worse in the morning, probably because the day feels like such a long stretch ahead of me

[LucretiaInShadows]

Here's another virtual cup of tea. I've been where you are and wish I could help.

[AtYourCervix]

can you see someone now while you feel crap or do you have to make an appointment and then wait for 3 weeks (by which time you feel different)?

[barleywood]

I'm happy to hang around for a while. I'm sitting here with a in my hand. The sun is shining through my dirty windows.

[FourFortyFour]

What helps me is knowing what I am doing that day. Yesterday one of my jobs was to clear the coffee table. It wasn't a big job but it gave me a focus and it looks better in the room now. I am a planner by nature.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

How awful. I have no experience of mental health at all. Have you been like this a long time. Can you not find joy in anything.

Have a from me too, and a huge unMN hug as well.

[MogadoredMemoo]

I can phone the crisis team if I really need to but don't really want to. Think I'm just having a blip and everything is getting on top of me. Just to try and gets lots of sleep over the weekend and see if that has help. Thanks for all the messages, you are truly lovely people x

[Pancakeflipper]

Please please phone the crisis team Memoo. You've struggled this week. I know you don't want to but please do it. They should be aware of blips. Take care Memoo.
But please speak to someone.

[FourFortyFour]

We can listen.

[Davsmum]

If you had an accident and needed stitches you would go to A&E - What you are feeling IS an emergency and you deserve help. You really should talk to a professional because there is help out there ! There must have been a time in your life when you felt good - try to remember that and realise you can get that back ?

[expatinscotland]

Memoo, please contact your crisis team NOW! We're here, we're pulling for you. You're not alone.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

memoo think we've talked about this before, but the road to recovery is very rocky - there will be bad days that are worse than even your worst days, but there are also better days. Don't forget about the better days. Ok today is rubbish. Scrub it. Forget about it. Tomorrow may be a better day.

[MogadoredMemoo]

You are right getdown, my head tells me that, I just wish I could get rid of these thoughts. It's like a little voice in my head constanly chipping away at me. I am holding out though, just about anyway.

Expat, I really can't phone the crisis team. I just can't talk to them at the moment, they ask so many questions and its too much. I promise j will if I don't feel better in the next few days though. Tbh dh us threatening to phone them anyway if I carry on feeling so crap.

My parents are driving down from Cumbria tomorrow so am hoping that will give me a boost.

Going to try and really gets lots of sleep too. Dh has promised to get up with the baby so I can catch up.