Dh is depressed, I'm finding it difficult LONG POST

[marmaladesandwich]

I'm a namechanger for this, very long-term MNer, and not a troll.
Dh's mental health hasn't been good this year, two significant family bereavements haven't helped, and about three weeks ago he had/started what would, when I was younger, have been called a "nervous breakdown" ( we were discussing something, and he burst into tears and started rocking in the corner of the kitchen,a situation which lasted all night). We went to the GP who said DH is depressed, prescribed ADs and put him on the list for CBT. He said he'd try to work through it, but about two weeks ago he just couldn't go in and was off until last Friday. He works in a caring profession supporting others, so I think it probably isn't a good idea for him to be in work while we try to work through this. He disagrees, and is back in this week but has been in late and home early. Boss is being understanding, so far.

He isn't coping; he shakes, he's started stammering, he runs away from the children, he is frequently agitated, and he isn't eating unless I put food in front of him. When he isn't at work he is in bed.
I suppose what I need is the experiences of others who've supported a partner through depression, and an idea of how the hell you cope when you have children. Luckily I work school hours and weeks so I have a lot of flexibility, but my job is a very demanding one too. We have always shared parenting and housekeeping equally, and I feel as though someone has tied my hands behind my back and given me another child to care for. I realise I'm moaning, but I m getting on with it, doing everything, and he has asked me not to tell anyone what's going on. As a very open person who feels a problem shared is a problem halved, I find this really hard. He asks me every time I have seen a family member or friend whether I have told them he's ill, and I'm finding it quite oppressive. This is not the sort of relationship I'm used to with him.
Any advice/shared experiences welcome!
Thanks.

[marmaladesandwich]

bump

[marmaladesandwich]

bump. Anyone?

[madmouse]

marmalade there's no need to bump - people will post here but it is not a very fast moving part of MN.

There recently was a support thread for partners of people with depression will see if i can find it for you.

My dh has been clinically depressed on and off for as long as we've been together (and longer)and it is hard.

He's now fighting a full on offensive with anti-depressants and therapy tacking the root cause (abuse) and it is a joy to see him more himsef than ever before.

The most important advice I can give you is to look after yourself, don't let him drag you down. Do things for yourself, that make you happy. And keep talking, both of you.

[madmouse]

here

[marmaladesandwich]

Thank you so much for this madmouse! It had taken me so long to decide to post that I was really disheartened not to receive a reply, hence the impatience. Will look at that other thread.

[livinginazoo]

Poor you. My advice at this stage is to read up in depression as much as you can, there have been some good articles recently in the times (on men and depression) and guardian (Mark Rice Oxley), as well as a report published on mind.org.uk. Also, I just started reading a book by Anne Sheffield that is interesting from the partner's pov (I started with her first book, and she also has a website depressionfallout - google it). The thing about depression, it is not something you should keep to yourself. There is nothing embarassing about it and the more you keep it to yourself the harder it is to cope with. Certainly share it with people you trust. The hardest hurdle is to get the depressed person to the GP and referred for proper help, ADs, CBT, anything else you can get your hands on. That and look after yourself, easier said than done, but very important.

[livinginazoo]

Oh and my experiences, my wonderful, loving DP is depressed, which is a physical illness. His body and mind are beyond exhausted and he is simply not able to take on anywhere near his share at home, he helps when he feels he is able (which is rare) and rests when he needs to. Which practically means, lots of sleeping, resting and looking after himself. He is concentrating on getting better and that is his role in our home, he is on ADs and is having lots of therapy and it is helping- but painfully slowly, and in the meanwhile it is really hard (the hardest thing I have ever done by far). But I trust that he is going to get better and that the worst is over, and this has been ongoing now for 5+ years (he has been in treatment for over 1). It is a real rollercoaster, a bit like living with Jekyll and Hyde as his depressed persona is so different to his "normal' self and certainly an enormous test of our relationship and my stamina. I have in effect been a single mother for all that time. But I love him and understand that he is ill and I have hope because he is getting the treatment he should be and I do see improvement.

[marmaladesandwich]

Thanks very much for this Living, it just helps to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. AS it's new to me I'm just worrying about him and his changed personality, trying not to feel this is all my fault, and about how I will cope with everything at the same time and not let it all fall apart.

[marmaladesandwich]

Breakthrough; This morning, I used the fact that I'd started a thread on here to say I needed to be able to share our situation with someone because I needed support, and he's ok about that. He's acting in a very childlike way, saying he's scared I'll shout at him and apologising all the time. Anyone else experienced this? It's very unnerving.

[marmaladesandwich]

Livinginazoo, just read those articles by Mark Rice-Oxley, think they are really good and am wondering whether to suggest DH reads them. At the moment he is very vulnerable to suggestion but at the same time reading too much into everything, so I don't know whether giving him stuff to read will confuse and worry him further. Might just wait nad see how he goes. Thanks anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to suggest resources. I don't think I've ever felt so isolated

[livinginazoo]

It is really lonely looking after a depressed husband, the best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure you keep in touch with friends and family, as it is so easy to become isolated when the person you are used to having around for emotional support is just not able to do that anymore. That is why it is important for you to have people to talk to. Mind, in my situation I have found that few people understand or empathise what I am going through, my/his family see the negative in the behaviour and are not supportive (what I would do for some respite!!) and friends get bored after a short time. The problem is unless you have experienced it you cannot know what it is like, and it is even worse and more isolating for the depressed person. I think the articles are good in the sense that they would inform him that it is a very very common illness and that those terrible, awful negative feelings will pass if he gets help and learns to manage it.

[livinginazoo]

p.s. HUGS

[madmouse]

I also wanted to say that when my dh actually had a breakdown some time the year before last and I could actually tell friends about him being ill it felt like a piece of led had fallen off my shoulders. Even more so when he went off sick and all his parishioners knew he was depressed.

Before that I rarely talked about it with anyone as I felt that somehow betrayed him. But the burden is too great to carry alone.