Am I depressed again or is this normal?

[Blatherskite]

I've been depressed in the past. I was self harming and suicidal when diagnosed at 19 and was prescribed anti depressants and given councelling, therapy for many years. At one point, I was getting CPN home visits too as I was seen as a serious suicide risk I had been abused as a child and was told that I had probably been depressed since being quite small.

I tried at various points to come off the AD's but never managed more than a year until I was 27 and about to marry my DH. I've been off them for 6 years now.

But recently, I'm feeling very down.

There are lots of good reasons for me to feel down though. My Grandad had severe dementia and just after Christmas was diagnosed as having Cancer. Grandad was too frail to cope with any more diagnosis (ie what sort of Cancer) or any treatment so it was decided to only give paliative (sp?) care. He finally died on Monday. The last week was awful and it was almost a relief to have it over. I've not managed to cry since he died. On top of this, a freind of mine is being treated for Breast Cancer. She's only a couple of years older than me (mid 30's) and has two children who are very close in age to mine. It feels very close to home. And last night, I found out that a friend of mine from Uni, lost his Son on Tuesday when he was still born at 29 weeks.

I guess it's all really scared me and made me realise how delicate and easily lost human life is. What's made me worry that I'm depressed again rather than just upset about it all is that I've found myself thinking that it would just be easier if I'd never been born so I didn't have to worry about it.

I'm tired too which isn't helping. 14 month old DD has never been a great sleeper and has been waking very early in the morning for a while now - this morning it was 5am. We're trying everything we can think of to help - recently dropping morning naps etc - but nothing seems to work for more than a couple of days. I have a 4 year old too so can't catch up, or stop, during the day and it's wearing me down.

DD has become a massively fussy eater too so I'm worrying about that on top of everything else.

I can't decide whether given everything that's happening all at once, if this is normal. I'm fairly sure anyone would be feeling down in my situation but the feelings of rather not being here to deal with it are worrying me. I'm not suicidal, I would never want to leave my children and I'm managing to keep going with everyday things rather than retreating to my bed and sleeping. I'm sleepy but I have a good reason. I'm eating well too.

At what point does feeling down become depression?

[madmouse]

This sounds totally normal to me - a combination of shock/numbness, grief, tiredness, weariness. I can't guarantee you that there is no depression in there, but from what you describe depression is not what springs to mind.

Do you have some support? Someone to talk to?

[Blatherskite]

I have lots of support. Friends, Family, DH... It is tempting to pull away but I'm making a concerted effort not to.

Talked to DH about the feelings of wanting to not be here rather than deal with it last night which he said he didn't share whcich is what made me wonder if it was depression again.

[Arcadia]

blatherskite it worries me that you say "I've managed not to cry". That is not necessarily a good thing, you will need time to grieve. I know it is hard to find the time and space to have your feelings, sometimes, when there are LOs around, but perhaps you could have a course of counselling just around the bereavement? Or talk to a family member or a friend and let the tears come?

I think you are doing really well managing with your two children and coping with all of that. You have insight and you are maybe stronger than you think.

[Chocattack]

This sounds normal. Please try not to panic that it's depression returning. You have others around to help spot it. Definitely go for bereavement counselling you need to grieve no good holding it all in.

[Blatherskite]

Arcadia - It's not that I've managed not to cry, I haven't been trying to bottle it all up - It's that I've not managed to cry. I just feel numb and the tears never seem to come.

Grandad was my last Grandparent. Out of the 4, they've all died "early" (Grandad was the oldest in his late 70's) and they've all died in pain (3 from various cancers and 1 from a stroke he never recovered from) The realisation that if I take after them, at 32, I'm about halfway to an uncomfortable and undignified death is scaring me silly.

[madmouse]

Not wanting to be here is a fairly normal response to an overwhelming situation. It's called 'fight or flight response' for a reason. And why would DH share these feelings seeing that it is you going through this.

Try to accept how you are feeling right now. It's most likely to be normal grief and shock. You maybe using some old coping mechanisms that remind you of your depression but again that is normal.

[Arcadia]

So sorry I misread that blatherskite, and even misquoted you , my apologies. but re-reading your original message it is just so fresh and recent that you are still feeling numb, that's an early stage of the grieving process as madmouse says. Depression is not inevitable.

[Blatherskite]

That's OK Arcadia. I just wanted to mention it because it seems like an important distiction. Bottling it up would be a bad thing, I'd love to cry but I just can't.

I'm expecting that it'll all come out on Friday at the funeral which is good because the DC's will be home with DH (no babysitters but I will have my siblings for support) but bad because I think my Mum is going to need a lot of support and I won't be able to give it if I'm too much of a mess.

I think madmouse might be right, this all feels so familiar because I'm relying on depression coping mechanisms to get me through.