I've no idea it my feelings are nornal or depression

[fingertipsareslipping]

I've name changed. I'm not a regular on this thread but often on AIBU / Chat. I know about Pomm Bears / wine emoticons (the need for) and that anal sex chats are only allowed on Fridays. I'd hope to god that no-one trolls on this board.

I contemplate suicide. Not on an hourly basis but daily at the moment (for the last couple of weeks) - like 'I am exhausted with the responsibility of being me'.

The only thing that stops me is the effect on my mother. I used to be a Samaritan (the irony ...) and I know that means there's something to cling to but I am tired of being the only person responsible for me.

I have lovely friends but ultimately I am alone and if there were a way of closing my eyes and sliiping away without hurting people then I would be very tempted to take it. I've no kids. No partner. 'Only' a mother to hurt so hence still here.

Do lots of people feel this way? I've been told in the past that I have 'reactionary depression'. I am bright, well liked, employed (well, freelance) and have lots of friends. I've been single for 6 years with a year long relationship prior to that. Before that I was single for 9 years following a difficulf 7 year relationship.

I have shit self esteme and huge issues with abandonement (biological father left me / family when I was about 6 and made me feel like an inconveniece till that point).

I just want to not feel like I am close to tears at all points in my life and have no idea whether this is normal / how to deal with these feelings. The desire to lie down and never wake up is sometimes totally overwhelming.

I am desperately embarrassed by my feelings.

[Doodlez]

Fingertips, you have got to get yourself to your GP.

I don't know how we (Mumsnet) can advise you and help you - tis just an internet forum afterall. Please make an appointment with your GP and talk this through with her/him.

[fingertipsareslipping]

Thank you for replying. I guess I am surprised by your advice - it just feels so normal to feel this way. And sometimes I feel happy, like I assume evryone else feels.

Going to the Doc... Scary. Amd scary rthat you seem so definite in your advice. I appreciate you taking the time.

[fingertipsareslipping]

Sorry for typos - blackberry

[Doodlez]

Fingertips, I am a wise auld woman.....OK, I'm not wise but I am getting on a bit

Please speak to your GP. It's normal to have up and down moods but down moods which make you think of suicide is not right. The GP will be able to explain it better than me.

[fingertipsareslipping]

I'm scared that if I tell my GP then they'll section me. Afterall, isn't that what happens if they consider you a danger to yourself?

I don't feel suicidal, I just think about the desire to have no more turbulance and pain, if that makes sense? Doesn't everyone feel exhausted and as if life is, well, futile? Not expressing myself very well. I do appreciate your comments, thank you.

[FudgeGirl]

I'm so sorry you feel like this.

I think there is a difference between wanting to end your life and wanting an end to your problems.

I think you should be honest with your GP, to the point of saying you don't want to die, you just don't want to feel like this any longer.

I really don't think they would section you, but you may be fast-tracked for counselling, CBT and I'm sure your GP would put you on some medication. You must do something, you sound very low.

Sending you lots of best wishes x x x

[fingertipsareslipping]

Again, thank you. Am in floods here - both at the fact I've 'only' got an anonymous forum to talk about this on (despite having spent a lovely afternnon at my best friends, with her DP and DC's) and that you're taking my feelings seriously. That freaks me out slightly. Guess I was hoping for 'nah, you're normal'.

But I do really appreciate your input. Doctors seems like a hige step. I've been on AD's before years ago - hence the 'reactionary depression' but never had any CBT etc. Just feels like I'd be making a fuss and / or such an admission of not coping. Hence the embarrasment.

[fingertipsareslipping]

And I'm one of lifes 'copers' - always have been...

[kayah]

I think from the point of view of GP they will take you seriously.
They are trained to treat people with problems.
I think trusting someone who you aren't attached to (as you are doing it by writing here) would probably make it easier for you.

i myself used AD's for about 6 months ant they were life savers for me at that time.

I can only go by my own experience - I also didn't share my thoughts about depression with anyone until I atarted AD's and felt better. I have some idea that in my case was the want of being in control/not needing to offload responsibility of my worries on anyone/to feel "strong".
Very confusing - I knnow, considering I really needed help at that time.

Please call your GP tomorrow, get emergency appointment and trust professionals :)

[CaptainNancy]

They won't section you for having suicidal thoughts. Please go and see your gp.
Take care.

[LemonDifficult]

Yes, please say you will go to the GP.

[fingertipsareslipping]

I do promise to think about it. I just don't know if I can face going down that road (AD's / counselling etc...) as it's so al consuming an exhausting.

Maybe I'm not as bad as I think. Maybe it'll get better on it's own. There are definitely times when I'm happy, 'normal' and have tonnes of get up and go.

[orangeflutie]

I've been where you are with thoughts of 'disappearing'. I think it's quite common if you're stressed/lonely, have a bit too much to deal with or like me had been trying to manage everything for too long.

I thought I was ok but when I went to the doctors and explained I felt tearful all the time it was a relief to talk. My doctor said I had been trying to hold everything together and be strong for too long. I suspect this is you.

Please try and see your doctor. It's the first step towards feeling better.

[fingertipsareslipping]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I do feel like I've got to hold everything together. Without wanting to reveal too much and expose my RL self, my work is really responsible and intense but is feast or famine and I get scared when I'm not working (like now) that I'm not popular / respected etc and that I'm never going to work again. And that no-one else is there to support the load. Even though I have a 15 year career. I just seem to allow my thoughts to 'spin' into negativity.

I am really trying to be positive - looking for work / going to the gym most days / eating well. But my sleep is up the wall (always a bad sign for me) and I am beginning to feel the sypmtoms of anxiety return.

I had a really bad 6 months at the beginning of last year (health and work) and then an mental time work wise. I am exhausted. But feel like such a wimp.

I know that if someone was saying all this to me, I would be supporting them in going to the docs. Don't know why I'm finding making that step so difficult.

[kayah]

who said that AD's is time consuming?
at least they will help you to get a good sleep
whether yo uwant thereapy - that one you decide on your own
noone's going to be putting any pressure

it is your life, you are responsible for it
we are here just to tell you how we tried to managed out problems

my GP wasn't happy with me getting off AD's after 6 monyths, but I knew I had to as I moed on and feel really positive now and happy how my life turned out :)

[fingertipsareslipping]

Thank you Kayah and they are good points. Especially the 'it's your life / responsibility' note.

In fact, you've all spurred me to make the appointment and I've called my GP. Can't get one till next Thurs but can call in the morning to get an emergency one.

Thank you all.