As a child I wrote hate letters to myself and let teachers find them- I want to understand why

[Orangecat100]

I have namechanged because I am ashamed that I did this but I want to understand why.

As a child between 10 and 15 I wrote letters, I wrote them as if they were hate mail from someone else (no one in particular). I deliberately let teachers find them. I don't remember why I did this, but as a mother now I realise it is not normal. I know that if my DC did this I would see it as an issue which needed to be tackled, not brushed away. I don't know how I would tackle it but I know a caring teacher or parent would seek advice if needed and help their child to overcome their problems.

They were hateful calling myself a horrible person, I remember there was a focus on the 'writer' hating me because my parents were divorced. I am so confused as to why I did such a ridiculous thing, I don't think I was ashamed or particularly hurt about the divorce and my parents did their best to minimise the effect on me.
What confuses me is why my teachers didn't tackle this. I was generally spoken to about it and on at least one occasion taken to the headmistress who said she thought I had written them myself. I denied it and nothing was done.
I am not aware that my patents were informed. If my DC did this I would expect to be informed as I would want to help them.
Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself but I feel the teachers failed me. There was clearly something wrong and it was never addressed.
I would love some ideas as to why I would have done this. Maybe it was good old attention seeking? In hindsight it seems likea disturbing thing to do and I wonder what was / is wrong with me?

[madmouse]

Yes your teachers failed you...

No there is no such thing as a child not being very much affected by a divorce - not to judge divorcees but I believe that to be a fact.

Is it possible that at some level you blamed yourself for the divorce? That is very common in children!

I've experienced very deep self hatred (I do know why) and I can say that children can end up hating themselves for things that make no sense to adults.

[lelarose]

Well I'm no psychologist but this struck a chord with me, and my take on it is that yes this was maybe a cry for attention, but that is nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was the same age my parents went through a bad divorce and I developed all kinds of behaviours which, looking back, were attention seeking, because at home I felt invisible. I was actually really obnoxious at school when I was there (also a terrible truant) and I remember standing in the corridors at lunchtime willing myself to cry just so somebody would finally ask me what was wrong.

I got into all kinds of trouble and also wrote something in an essay that I hoped a teacher would pick up on, but nobody ever did and they certainly never contacted my parents. I was at school in the 1980s and I think things were so different then-stuff that would be picked up on by teachers nowadays was routinely ignored, it was just a different culture. I have a relative who is a teacher now who cant believe the stuff that was ignored or overlooked when we were at school.

Anyway, I hope this helps a little. Teenage girls do all kinds of things to cope with their emotions and there are worse things a child can do than seek attention, its only in our society that this is so frowned upon.

[Orangecat100]

Thank you so much for replying madhouse and lelarose. I feel a bit less weird about this now I have written it down and 'spoken' about it. I have never told anyone.

Thank you for letting me feel a bit more normal about it, and for acknowledging that my teachers let me down- it feels a bit less spoilt to read someone else saying it!

I suppose I must have been sad about my parents. I think I felt lucky that they were amicable on the surface, they always came to school stuff together which made me feel very special. With hindsight I think I was under pressure to 'be ok' about it all. There was no space to be upset, and I would have worried about upsetting my parents by doing so.

So much for my expensive convent education! I would be furious if my DC's teachers kept this from me.

[Orangecat100]

Pressed post too soon.

Lelarose- I am sorry to hear you had a difficult time when your parents divorced. Madmouse is probably spot on in saying it's always tough for children in some way.

Has this sadness / anger (sorry if that's not how you would describe it) remained with you? Or has it been possible to wriggle free of it?

[Orangecat100]

To lelarose, ignore my last post. Having seen your thread in this section I am really sorry to have asked you that.

I have posted on your thread. You are clearly a loving, intelligent mum please believe this and try not to give yourself a hard time, you are doing great. Many of us have struggled desperately when our DC were babies, it's a really really tough time.

[lelarose]

Hi orangecat- please don't apologise, its quite ok to talk about this with me.

I have residual sadness about my childhood I guess, but not anger really these days. My adult life has been very much affected by being made to feel invisible though- I was brought up to believe my feelings counted for absolutley nothing and was often ignored as a child which makes it hard for me to beieve people really are about me to this day and I often expect the worst, but am trying to change for the sake of my son.

Ironically, I was really relieved when my parents split as they had a terrible marriage which was hell to live with- it's probably this more than the actual split that made me the way I am.

Anyway enough waffling about me. Speak to me all you like about this, honestly its fine. Other people's worries are actually a welcome relief sometimes!

[lelarose]

Sorry that sounded wrong- your worries are not a relief to me, I just meant focusing on other people not just myself all the time can be a relief x