Climbing the recovery path....

[NanaNina]

I have answered lots of posts on here and it has only just occurred to me I could post!

I am aged 67 and have had 2 major episodes of severe depression and anxiety (one 15 years ago following the death of my dearest friend at aged 46. I was in psychiatric hospital for 3 months and put on imipramine and made a complete recovery and was back at work a month after discharge.

Ihad another sever episodelast Easter and again hospitalised for 3 months but this time my recovery is not like before - I can be ok for 2, 3 or even 4 weeks and then along comes a "blip" and I never know how bad it will be, or how long it will last. The longest one lasted 15 days. Since discharge fromhospital last July I have had about 5 or 6 of these blips, some worse than others, but overall far more good days than bad days. Thing is I don't feel in control of my life and don't feel I can make any plans cus never know when next one is round corner.

I am lucky I have a very supportive DP and close women friends and family, and a wonderful CPN who has helped me enormously. I have asked her if these blips are normal and she says they are not common, but can happen - yes I certainly know that.

Anyone else have experiences like this?

[kizzie]

Hi Nina - I cant post properly at the moment but didnt want to leave you unanswered. Will write a proper reply this evening x

[kizzie]

Hi - sorry Im back now.

At the risk of repeating myself (and boring you to tears ) I first had MH probs after pregnancy. Technically PND but much more anxiety based rather than depression.

Although I hadnt had any issues before that I was probably a text book case to get it - IVF pregnancy/ twin pregnancy/ caesarean/ v worrying pregnancy with various scares/ told that it was very unlikely I would ever get pregnant again even with IVF so this time had to work etc etc.

Anyway - long story short - was v ill. Eventually got better. Had various withdrawal issues with seroxat. Switched to a tricyclic. And here I am 11 years later still on it. I tend to be able to get down to very low doses 25/15/10 (which as you know is v low for tricyclic) but as soon as I try to manage completely without I crash dramatically (and quite catastrophically.)

So in total Id say Ive had 3 major relapses plus the original illness in the last 11 years. In between that Im very happy/content/ besotted with DS twins/ happily married/ love and cope well with senior job etc etc.

Im between that Ive had many 'blips' particularly when trying to recover each time. The one thing i can definately say is that no two recoveries have been excatly the same. I keep a diary/journal and sometimes I have clung to those with 'last time i was better by this stage' etc etc but it really is difficult to compare.


You mentioned that 15 years ago you were back at work after 1 month following discharge - by anyones standards this is amazing. Do you think that work helped in a way to bring you back to 'normality' and this time its a slower process because you dont have the same routine? I just wondered because work definately helps me in the long run - although when Im very ill I cant even attempt it.

I think Ive mentioned to you before that i find the blips so so difficult to deal with - particularly after a few better weeks. its almost like the shock of having to deal with it again. Ive now got a little notebook where Ive written things to help just so that Ive got something to turn to.

A dr once said to me that as long as over all you are on the up. And it really does sund as though you are - then you're heading in the right direction to full recovery - even if you get side tracked a bit on the way. I guess we can only each individually judge when a blip is more than a blip and we need a bit of extra help.

All sorts of things send me off track now. Suicide reports, a horrible story line on a tv programme etc etc. And I do think that I'll never completely have confidence in my MH a 100% - but I know that when Ive had a few months 'clear' I can get pretty close.

Re the planning aspect. I feel exactly the same as you. Our summer holiday was badly affected last year by a blip and I find it very difficult to plan - but now I tend to think - book it anyway - if you feel really terrible you dont have to go - and try and think of it like having a broken leg - you would never be able to plan for that.

What helps is that I am completely open about it now. My family are obviously aware - but Ive also 'come out' to my employers. I spent a long long time trying to hide it but i decided in the end I just couldnt do it anymore. Day to day i never mention it at work - and its made no difference to how I do my job - but I just prefer to know now that if I needed to ask for help i could do.

Sorry rambling now - and sorry its not more help - but just thought it might be useful to hear from someone else dealing with it all long term. Over the next few months you'll hopefully get even more of your confidence back - and start happily planning again x

[kizzie]

*sorry should have added - at first much more anxiety based - but depression became more of a factor over time.

[NanaNina]

kizzie - thank you soooo much for your long reply. I know we have "spoken" before on these threads but I didn't know your full story. I think I recall you talking about blips, and you are so right, that no 2 depressions are the same are they, nor their recovery. Yes it is so hard to have to deal with a blip after 3 or 4 good weeks.

I too keep a diary (well it's an A4 notebook and I'm on Book 2 which is two-thirds full) I have kept it since being in hospital and only record when I am having a blip. I find it really useful because I can moan to it which saves me moaning to much at my DP although he is incredibly supportive and patient, though I do worry about the effect it has on him. I also keep a log of good and bad days etc so I can add up the total each month and it does do me good to see more good days than bad.

I am so glad you have your IVF twins - I have a beautiful IVF grand-daughter who is now almost 7 and is the light of my life. i do have other grandchidren who I love but she was so hard won and the first and will always be special to me.

I think my speedy recovery 15 years ago was just down to luck. I have spent 25 years as a social worker and the last 15 as a team manager in a fostering & adoption team. So the job I went back to was quite stressful but I had no problems. I retired in 2004 and up until last year when I suffered this 2nd major episode I was working independently assessing foster carers and adoptors, and was planning to finish when I was 65, but didn't realise I would be fored to through ill health. I do miss my job as I really loved it, but at 67 I think it's time I gave up anyway. Has affected my identity though and I feel I am just a pensioner now.

Thing is I was on imipramine (100 mg) for 14 years after my first episode and came off it very gradually - 10mg per month, so took me 10 months, but this 2nd episode came 4 months after I had stopped taking them and the psychiatrist is convinced this was what caused the relapse but I don't think anyone really knows do they.

3 major relapses in 11 years is hard going Kizzie and with an uphill recovery from what you say. My CPN says to me that I must remember that i am having far more good days and done CBT withme. I am still an open case but the psychiatrist is due to see me in a couple of months and I think will be discharging me. I wonder if any addition to the drugs could help - currently on 150 mg of imipramine. Also what has made me more worried is my lovely CPN has warned that she will be discharging me within the next 6 months and will be visiting monthly rather than weekly, as it is not good for me to get too dependent on her. I fully understand this but it still feels a bit of a loss.

I should be grateful that I am not struggling with young children as so many MNsare and so many with PND - and I don't have to worry about work.

Anyway many many thanks for your help Kizzie and I'm sure we'll "meet" again on these posts. I find it helpful to try to help others though do spend rather too much time on the laptop. I am considering some voluntary work as I feel i don't have enough to occupy myself - I go swimming with a friend and yoga once a week but otherwise not much else.

Hope you keep well

[kizzie]

Hi Its a job - I have two different types of diary/journal. One to write thoughts in and one to keep a note of how im feeling. (so eg grading depression/anxiety/obsessive thoughts etc etc.)

I'm not v good at keeping the thoughts ones - and also tend to get rid of those. Probably for the same reasons you mention - dont want to be haunted by them.

I do keep the other ones though and they are the ones I look back over to see how long a past recovery has taken. In a way its easy for me to see because when Im well I dont bother writing - so the pages suddenly get very blank.

i still write some basic thoughts in this one - but not pages and pages. And I also make a note of any improvements (so if ive taken an interest in anything. If Ive been able to forget the depression for a few hours (minutes!), if ive had any confidence about getting better etc.)

Another thing I used this time was www.moodscope.com where you can score your mood each day and then look back at it. I found that quite helpful.

I totally understand your nervousness - I feel exactly the same. Just try and remember that there is a very good chance that you wont suffer again. But if you do - you've beaten it before and you would again.

Kizzie x