Independent psychiatric review today, need to talk to someone )-:

[mosschops30]

Or just vent really.

It was fucking horrendous, sorry but thats the only way I can explain it.
Having to spend an hour and a half talking about what happened, about the way I was treated, my problems afterwards and my ongoing problems.

I dont know why I keep getting shocked by these professionals and what they say but they always seem to floor me, the independent medical review was bad enough, but I fear this will be worse.

He gave me a summary at the end, which was good from a legal POV but personlly shocked me to the core.
he said he was horrified and disgusted by the treatment at the hospital (bought up lost of things I hadnt thought of). He said he thought Id been let down by my new GP and by the PTSD service and that I was still very ill (and I thought feeling like this after a year was normal), but he said that 90% of people with PTSD were well after a year and that Im not. He said I had been very distressed throughout the whole interview (which I was) and that he thinks I need medication and not more counselling.

Im now not sure what to think, I havent eaten, feel sick, have smoked my first fag in months and am so upset by it all.

In one way its was good for someone to say 'you are still ill, and the way you feel about it all is not normal' but in another way i thought I was dealing with it in my own way. He said that because Im articulate and intelligent then I function well with all these feelings and problems, but that they need sorting.

Any kind words or advice would be goof please because I just feel like I have been beaten with a big stick all morning

[Lulumaam]

i think every time you have to talk about the trauma you relive what happens and it was dreadful

it is exhausting and draining and horrifying all over again

the good hting is, he has recognised you are still in need of help and that is a great thing

take the help that is offered would be my advice

[ChippingIn]

((HUG))

I haven't ever had one - but it does sound 'fucking horrendous' :(

I know it's easy for me to say (not being you) but to me, the outcome does sound good. It sounds as though he thinks medication will help you and that it's possible to feel a shit load better than you do now x

Please put the fags away - they wont help you and will make you feel sick/ will kill you in the long run. You don't want to have to go through giving up again do you!

((More Huge Hugs))

[mosschops30]

Im quite good at dipping in and out of the cigs . But havent done for stress for a long time.

Do you think hes right? I mean surely if 100% of the population went for a review then most of them would be diagnosed with something.

I tried to get accross to him that I dont spend every day sitting at home crying, the last time I did was the anniversary of the event last week.
But he thinks its abnormal to be this distressed about it one year on.

Another scathing report for the court case though. I should be living on a yacht in barbados this time next year (joking).

[Lulumaam]

it really doesn't matter what would happen to anyone else or how htey would be affected, this is about you and your reaction and oyur ongoing distress

and until the court case is done, you are still going to have it fairly uppermost in your mind whihc won't help

but you will get there

[mosschops30]

thanks lulu ive battled with the thought that if I hadnt gone down the legal route then maybe I wouldnt have these constant reminders, but we also talked about that in the PTSD therapy in that it denies you any closure whilst ongoing.
I just feel that if Id have complained some snot nosed idiot in an office would have sent me a generic letter saying 'we're very sorry, b;ah, we make every effort to provide great care, blah, we take your points on board, blah blah blah. And this could happen again.
Im hoping that with a legal case this surgeon will be exposed for the fucking charlatan he really is

[mosschops30]

anyone else?

[Lulumaam]

well, quite. i know you work within the NHS and would not take the decision to sue lightly. no-one should really or would if they knew how long it took
deffo agree it needs more than a complaint/incident form/ticking off/further training standard letter. it was serious.

[ChippingIn]

Mosschops - it's hard to know what anyone else would feel about the situation a year on and it really doesn't matter anyway does it?! He seems to think you would benefit from medication and no more counselling - so that seems worth a go to me. I think that by choosing to take the legal route (which is brave & admirable) you have to accept you wont heal as quickly from it - there are more reminders and more of a feeling of 'still going through it' rather than 'putting it in the past'. How far through the legal process are you?

[madmouse]

mosschops I'm sorry you found it so hard

I must say that from my personal experience I am a bit at the statement that 90% is better after one year. I certainly wasn't and I know a fair few people who were not.

I'm also not sure I agree with you needing meds instead of more counselling. Maybe both

(listen to me disagree with a properly qualified doctor - oh well it's just my opinion, take what you like and disregard the rest )

Have you found the counselling you have had helpful? My experience was that more and more issues came up, hurt a lot while I dealt with them and then they went to bed and found there place and I got a bit more peaceful. Is anything like that happening for you? I found what happened to you extremely harrowing and traumatising from your description on another thread and it still seems very raw to you.

[madmouse]

Oh and am I right to think he is the expert witness in your court case rather than someone who is going to offer you help?

[mosschops30]

Thanks for your replies. Yes both he and the prof of obstetrics will be major parts of the claim. The obstetric report was done a few months ago.

I think his 90% figure was based on ptsd and not specifically childbirth, he said he was amazed that no one had offered medication as stated in nice guidelines to complement trauma focussed therapy. He advised me to continue with the ptsd therapy, which starts in march but thinks that I should consider meds and not do counselling at the gp sugery as it will be to distressing in my current state.

I never wanted to go down the medication route but so unsure now of what to do

[ChippingIn]

I can understand you not wanting to take meds :( but he has seen you, he doesn't think your 'recovery' is as good as it should be and thinks meds will help - I think it's worth giving it a go x

[ToxicKitten]

Hello, hope you don't mind my input - lurking alot newbie here :)

I am in therapy for quite a few reasons, including what I think is CPTSD (my therapist hasn't ruled it out) and I was pushed into this state by events that happened 16 years ago and went on for three years. Like you, I am seen as intelligent and articulate and I have "functioned" for most of that time. Not healthily, happily or even contentedly, but I have functioned.

This is my second time of therapy, with a concerted view of getting some kind of closure, and crucially this time I have accepted Anti-Ds. It HAS made a difference. I feel as if the constant high frequency in my head has been turned right down, so I can actually listen to myself and other people without leaping to paranoia.

I did alot of Googling before I did this - what I learned is that shock and prolonged stress rewires the brain, and causes chemical changes that need to be rebalanced alongside the emotional need for closure, restitution etc that comes from forming a strategy to suit your own circumstances and gives you back a sense of the control that trauma strips away from you.

Once I had realised that sometimes Anti-Ds are the simple equivalent of a cast on a broken leg, not an addictive crutch nor judgement on me personally, I decided that if I didn't at least try them, I would in effect be self-sabotaging my recovery. If they didn't help I was allowed to come off them. But I have to report that personally, I think trying them earlier may heave helped accelerate my recovery. However, I firmly believe that it is very much personal choice as to how anyone manages their condition, as only the individual can possibly know their own feelings and circumstances.

So I just wanted to say to you that I wish you everything you wish for yourself in your situation - and a tentative cyber hug :)

[madmouse]

Mosschops like ToxicKitten I had CPTSD (maybe that's why my perception is that it takes longer than a year to clear PTSD, most people I know have CPTSD)and decided to do it without meds. I had the support of my dh, friends, doctor and therapist in this because due to the cause of my problems (in early childhood) my emotions and feelings were frozen and it was agreed that ADs would numb what was just waking up.

It did mean that I frequently had episodes of not wanting to live, weird thoughts, it was a huge struggle that I got through with literal day and night support from people around me.

I guess what I want to say is that in your case I would probably try an AD for a while. It may make it slightly easier to cope with things so that not everything triggers 'high alert' (when I stopped being on high alert all the time I became very low for a while as my adrenaline levels crashed fom sky high to low)

[mosschops30]

toxickitten thank you for such a great post, and Im sorry youre going through something similar .
Great analogy about cast on a broken leg, and Ive thought about it a lot. Maybe ive just had the 'physio' equivalent of treatment and really need that cast to set everything back in place (its making sense to me).
The NICE guidelines state that drugs should be given for 12 months alongside trauma focussed therapy.
He recommended Sertraline or Paroxetine.

Can I just ask is the 'C' in CPTSD 'chronic'

thanks madmouse I think you posted on my other thread about me feeling low around the anniversary time didnt you? I think maybe youre right and I have not much to lose by trying the AD's

[madmouse]

No the C is for complex (thankfully not chronic, phew - it has felt like it at times...)

It is a form of PTSD caused by longer term trauma usually with an element of captivity/inability to escape - in my case severe child sexual abuse going on for years followed by years of total repression and then the memories being triggered again by the feelings of total helplessness and powerlessness during my son's traumatic birth and his first 3 weeks in NICU/SCBU.

I've had counselling for a year and a half - first with a skilled therapist on a low level to stabilise me and then with a specialist child abuse therapist to do some very deep and painful work. Which has worked very well. I'm finishing counselling this week which is scary. There is work left to do, I have a fairly deep mind/body split that is far from healed, but I can do it on my own now in my own time.

[mosschops30]

oh madmouse i had no idea you'd been through so much, makes me look like a bit of a whinger
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and posting on this thread.
Its nice to know (well not nice but you know what i mean) that someone else is going through the same hell

[madmouse]

Glad you put that there Mosschops - don't you dare call yourself that!

[ToxicKitten]

Hello again mosschops, thank you for your reply, and madmouse also gives great words of wisdom :)

I truly hope that you both achieve the peace of mind that we all crave and deserve :)