Anxiety problems

[Dizzy1980]

Hi- I was wondering if any other parents have been through this. It started last July, a week after my (firstborn) son Peter was born. My wife had a difficult birth and needed lifesaving treatment (blood loss). I was pretty freaked out at the time, but as she and the baby seemed fine afterwards, I tried not to think about it.
The first few days back at home were great, but one evening, as we were watching a film, I started to feel anxious about the baby. When I went to bed that night, I began to have hostile intrusive thoughts about him and ended up trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep on the sofa. The thoughts continued to occur on and off over the next few weeks and it seemed like the more I tried to prevent them, the more frequent they became.
I read up on them and found that whilst unpleasant, they are considered relatively common and generally harmless. This information did not prevent me from having anxiety attacks when they occured and I was often sick, losing a stone in 3 weeks.
Eventually, I was able to talk about it to my wife (very supportive and understanding). I also went to my doctor (a brilliant lady who is luckily also a trained pyschologist), who informed me that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder relating to the birth and that I had developed a condition known as Thought-Action Fusion OCD. This is where you believe that because you have hostile intrusive thoughts, they will eventually come true (tempting fate). I was put on antidepressants (SSRI) and was added to a CBT waiting list.
Things however, just seemed to be getting worse and worse- I wasn't sleeping and I was becoming increasingly upset in the mornings (my lowest point of the day). As this was interfering with my job, my doctor suggested that my wife and son stay with her parents (who live nearby) for a few weeks, as we waited for CBT to come through. I saw my son during the afternoons and evenings and things became a little better- slightly less intrusive thoughts and times when I enjoyed being with him.
They came back three weeks ago and things have been on a slightly upward trend. CBT is prompting me to confront my anxieties and there have been some positive days. Unfortunatley there are days like today where I can't seem to stop dwelling on it and end up miserable.
I would really appreciate feedback from any other parents who have had similar experiences, as I often feel very alone and isolated with what is happening to me.

[kibbutz83]

Hi Dizzy, I too suffer with PTSD, and it also makes me feel very isolated, and also full of fear most of the time. I am a single mother (though in a relationship) and my intrusive thoughts revolve around my son being murdered. I carry huge amounts of guilt about even having my son, as my parents used to say he would be dead before he was a year old, therefore I MUST have an abortion. I think that my skewed thought processes are related to my horrific guilt at going against my parents "wishes". Sleep is affected hugely in PTSD, nightmares adding to an already diminished ability to relax.
I think our families probably find it difficult to understand the "power" that these thoughts hold. I think that my parents believe I make a fuss about nothing, as they see no visible scars!! My partner is less brutal thankfully.
PTSD I have discovered is a hugely life-altering illness, and truly no fun... but each and every day I wake up with the thought
"I will fight this with every last ounce of strength I have in me"!!!! We need to believe
in our bodies' ability to heal itself :)x

[Dizzy1980]

Thanks very much kibbutz83- I appreciate your feedback. I am doing everything the mental health people tell me to do, so I just have to trust in their advice. I hope that you continue to make a good recovery.