Would therapy help me, or is this just the way it is? (Sorry, really quite long)

[chatnamefortonight]

Namechanger here with lots of questions for those who know something about therapy, have had therapy or just have an opinion on this.

Brief profile: Have 2 lovely DDs - one baby, one almost 3. Have a very busy life, look after them almost full time (DD1 goes to nursery 3 mornings a week) and also work from home (nap-times, evenings etc). DH works v long hours (don't generally see him week nights). DH and I are not in a particularly great place at the moment, we love each other and can make each other laugh a lot but we're at odds a lot as well.

I feel really quite sad and really quite angry a lot of the time. I think this is mostly to do with me but I think some of DH's attitudes/habits may also be contributing. I've been depressed in the past but I don't think I'm actually depressed and I'm really keen not to go back on ADs, I'd rather get to the root of the problem.

I'm close to my mother but she has a habit of being very controlling, which I think is part of the reason for my underlying anger - having said that I depend on her a lot because TBH I feel very lonely and she's the only person I can talk to - I have a lot of great friends but I just don't want to talk to them about this because a) they have their own lives to worry about and b) I don't want them to judge DH or it to affect their relationship with him/me in the future when things have, hopefully, evened out.

Generally I just can't see anything clearly, can't tell if DH is being a bit unreasonable or if it's just me, can't tell if my Mum is controlling me or helping me out.

So, because of all the above, I've been thinking a lot about therapy - mainly because I don't feel it's fair to my DDs. I am so irritable with them and I'm terrified that they'll just inherit all my issues because of it. I had another day completely on my own with them today (in quarantine because we've all had vomiting bug so can't meet friends etc) and it was just horrendous. DD1 is really whiney at the moment and DD2 is teething so just seems to howl every time I put her down - but I know that is just how kids are and I need to be able to cope with that, instead I wanted to smash something for much of the day.

Obviously this is all exacerbated by the fact that I've spent much of the past week in the house/clearing up sick/being sick/washing sick out of clothes, sheets etc/feeling sick, haven't eaten properly for three days cos I feel so ill. But nonetheless, this is not a new thing, I've definitely been here before.

What I'm wondering is:
a) will a therapist say I should be in couples therapy
b) is this just the way things are in life, we have good periods and bad periods, some people cry/get angry more than others and I'm one of them
c) am I just being terribly self-centred and should I just stop moaning and be thankful I've got nothing more serious to worry about
d) if none of the above, how do I find a really good therapist

And my final question is: is there a way to wipe this thread from the memory of my computer (shared with DH) so that it doesn't 'guess' it every time he or I type in a web address?

If you've read this far, thank you for your stamina, your thoughts would be much appreciated

[eaglewings]

its not fun being at home with sick kids, share your frustration as dd was off sick today too.

Yes, therapy would be great, on your own to work out what the issues are and how you can face them and cope with your controlling parent

Couples therapy may help too but is much harder when you have young kids, who would look after them? Would you tell your Mum and get her to sit, or would dh not be happy with that.

try talking it through with your GP

Good Luck

[chatnamefortonight]

Thanks eagle. I guess we could get a babysitter (though presumably with the cost of the therapy, which I've no idea about, it might become hugely expensive). But actually the main thing would be DH getting home from work for it, which just wouldn't happen. So, on reflection, couples therapy probably not a practical option.

Do I have to talk it through with my GP or is there another way to get a recommendation for a therapist?

Also, I'm worried the therapist will tell me I need years of work and DH will sigh and think to himself that it's all a bit silly and expensive and also, ultimately, that I'll become a bit selfish and inwardly focused

[jardy]

Could you not get a therapist on the nhs?meanwhile read self-help books to get you through this patch? I really love those books with the title dont sweat the small stuff by richard (forgot surname)Get the one called dont sweat the small stuff in love.Read just one little chapter each morning.As i think you seem focused on your dh,and he sounds lovely to me.I do understand your despair over controlling parent and there is one about dont sweat the small stuff with your family.
I think these books will be a real great help to you.You are doing wonderful with everything you have on,well done

[eaglewings]

I'm sure you don't need years of therapy, and a therapist that said you did should be struck off!

Take it a week at a time, the books jardy mention sound good.

I expect there are therapists you can find without going to your GP. Are you afraid they will just want to give you tablets? They can't make you :)

When I'm finding everything too much I take it out on my dh and everything is his fault, well that is how it seems. When I am coping I see its not that straight forward.

The way I now tackle this is by trying to find time to sit down with him and tell him how I am feeling, and if I can why. Sometimes helps

[chatnamefortonight]

thanks jardy - will def look into it. Thing is I'm just really not sure I'll have the time to read it (already feeling guilty about time frittered away on MN when I should be preparing for an interview tomorrow). But I do like the idea though, and it's a relief to know that there might be an alternative to therapy. TBH I don't mind paying if it's actually likely to solve the problem it's just the thought of paying for pointless discussions that just underline what I already know that would bother me

[chatnamefortonight]

sorry xpost eagle. re the GP, I don't know really, I just don't fancy it being on my notes, feel they might be a bit dismissive about other things as a result. But I'm not completely against talking to them.

Re DH, I probably should talk to him. I just don't feel able to communicate well with him at the moment. He seems so distant and bored with a lot of what I say (but part of that is just my projection because frankly I'm bored with what I say too). I do definitely overreact to some of the things he says and in some ways he does his best to help when I'm feeling low. But he also does have a way of making people angry/defensive - it's not just me, it's very obvious from his relationships (or lack of them) with other people. Hence why I find it really hard to see things clearly. Turmoil, though a bit millsandboon, is probably the right word for it.

If you don't mind me asking, have either of you had therapy and have you found it helpful?

[eaglewings]

yes CBT for ME at the moment, but it helps with more than just the illness. Also had therapy to help me deal with issues about my childhood and its effects on present relationships

Have we married brothers? Your dh sounds very familiar

[FattyArbuckel]

Therapy, just you on your own, should help
improve all of your relationships and enable you to trust your own judgement. I am having some for the first time in my life and have had 4 sessions now. it's expensive but money well spent and I only wish I had done it 20 years ago. 4 sessions has made a huge difference already. I will probably do 8 or 10 sessions in total.

Find a therapist from personal recommendation if you can, if not do a trial session to find one who is a good match for you. You will know who you can work well with and who you can't after the first session. Keep trying til you get the right therapist.

[chatnamefortonight]

Aha, reassuring to know I'm not alone with my DH issues

That's interesting re the CBT - I did have a bit of it years ago but I think I still had a lot to learn/face up to and I'm a bit clearer now about what I want to get out of it. Ready to face my demons etc.

Have just looked up that 'don't sweat the small stuff' book - looks good.

[Just13moreyearstogo]

I think you would fine therapy a really good outlet and a useful way to make sense of your current difficulties. When you're mothering small children it is so great to have someone neutral to offload on! In your shoes I would go for individual therapy first. Later you might want to think about couples therapy but individual therapy would help you make shifts in your relationship with your DH.

[chatnamefortonight]

thanks just that's v helpful

[madmouse]

I've been having therapy for over 1.5 years now to deal with very deep rooted child abuse issues and the most important thing it is slowly giving me is a sense of self, of who I am. So it matters a lot less what other people say and think because I am me. I didn't have the tools before all this to stop to think what I really feel about something, my reference point was outside instead of inside myself and that is now starting to change. Sounds like you could do with some of that too...

That is not CBT by the way, that's good old fashioned psychotherapy and person centred counselling (had both)

[chatnamefortonight]

madmouse - that rings v true. Thank you. How did you find your therapist?

[madmouse]

When I finally came to the GP with DH to help and explained how I felt he diagnosed me with PTSD and referred me to the practice therapist at the local health centre who saw me for 14 sessions, the maximum she could get away with under the IAPT program (Improved Access to Psychological Therapy or something). That was on the NHs so free. Then as I still had a lot of work to do she referred me to Safeline, a charity in my area that supports survivors of child sexual abuse. I have counselling through them now, and I make a donation each week of what I can afford. My counsellor is a person centred therapist with an almost completed masters in psychotherapy and she is very good for me.

[chatnamefortonight]

Thank you madmouse - hope it continues to be so helpful to you

[jardy]

Hi Chat,yes I have had a lot of therapy over the years,mainly cbt therapy.I have had two outstanding therapists,and a number that did not work for me,unfortunatly made me feel worse.I agree with eaglewings about stress impacting on your relationship with your dh.It is difficult to find the time to read self-help books but the Richard Carlson- Don`t sweat the small stuff series are in bite sized chunks.Good Luck!