Need help...am I normal or a weirdo?

[NinkyNonker]

I?m not sure where to post this, as haven?t really tried out all boards so am posting twice! I haven?t really talked through this with anyone in real life, and wanted to get some different perspectives before I do, it is a bit long ?cause I don?t know where to start. Sorry.

I just worry about myself sometimes, which sounds weird I know. I am happily married with a baby (12 wks), a lovely family, home etc etc. But in my head I think I?m a bit odd. I seem to ?float? through things, never really feeling the highs of what have been some amazing times. Even my wedding, I love my husband totally yet felt really emotionless all day, certainly not this ?best day of my life? everyone talks about. I felt like I was forcing myself to socialise etc.

I?m fed up with being the only people pleaser in a family of emotional blackmailers, the only one who ignores insults, smoothes over rows or acts jolly to make it appear we?re having fun. My mother was ill 10 yrs ago and ever since has been even more emotional than she was growing up, I feel like her mother instead of the other way around. I worry about them all the time, and feel so guilty if they?re unhappy for some reason. It is impossible to have a different opinion to her, as I?m ganging up on her if I do. DH and I are thinking of moving in a year or so and would be further away from them...the passive aggressive guilt trips we?ve had laid on us since are non-stop. Despite the fact that when they were in our shoes years back they moved 4 hrs away from both their parents, why is it alright for them and not me? I feel like I?m too attached to them, if you see what I mean? I struggle to put the needs of my own family (DH, DD) ahead of their needs, which I should be doing now, I feel like I am still 10 in my head. And it annoys me!! I am far more considerate to their feelings than they are to mine, my sister is very manipulative and selfish and yet they think the sun shines out of her and I am the failure. I am fed up with it.

I feel permanently anxious, I can?t relax, as if I am always waiting for something. And yet I feel lethargic and lazy, I have to force myself to do something fun with DD every day or the poor little one would be bored stiff. I get so uptight about the smallest things, and always, always blame myself if something goes wrong. EG, the other day we went shopping and just missed the last space in the car park. I automatically blamed myself because I had left the changing bag indoors and had to go back to get it, I was almost in tears, the compulsion to bang my head against the window repeatedly was overwhelming. DH finds it bizarre how much I kick myself I think. I just wish I could relax and be happy! I have the darkest thoughts of our mortality all the time. I have visions of awful things happening to DH or DD and cannot get them out of my head. I just keep think about when one of them dies and the pain I?ll feel, making me think is all this really worth it because all I?ll feel is pain...is this all life is? A short few years of happiness followed by tremendous pain I won?t be able to handle and then death?? Morbid I know, sorry. I have such a lovely family and the chance of a great life but I feel like I am screwing it up for myself, I want us to be happy and enjoy our life...but I can?t get past the overwhelming guilt I always feel towards my family (if there is ever a cross word, not my fault, I have a heavy guilty feeling that stops my ever standing up for myself). I just want to relax and stand up for myself more! And not care so much! I am an adult for Pete?s sake.

I don?t want to be this neurotic bundle of idiocy when DD grows up, I don?t want to do to her what my parents did to me. Involving me in their rows, trying to make me take sides, involving me in family feuds; I don?t think it?s fair. But unless I can stop these neurotic thoughts and behaviours how can I stop myself?? Does anyone get what I mean?

And don?t get me started on sex. I love my DH with all my heart, completely, and yet when we have sex it feels odd. Like we shouldn?t be doing it, it is something to be ashamed of and I freeze up. It never used to be like this, but as soon as we moved in together it started feeling weird. Before anyone thinks it, the spark hasn?t faded, we haven?t fallen out of love and it isn?t because of DD. It has happened in every relationship I?ve had, as soon as the relationship is ?serious? it feels weird. I am just a freak when it comes to sex I guess. But it bugs me, I love DH, fancy him, want to be with him forever, how can I sort out this issue I have??

I know this is long and rambling, but I don?t know where to start. I guess motherhood has brought all of these things to the fore because now I have someone else I am responsible for. And it has made me realise that I do actually only have one life and it doesn?t last forever, so it is my responsibility to make the best of it.

In my mind I just want to be stronger, distance myself from my family slightly without feeling so guilty, stop being so crazily anxious about everything (DH has wondered whether I have slight anxiety issues) and get over this weirdness I have with sex.

Please tell me, do I sound normal? Or does everyone feel this way about things? Or should I try to sort myself out...in which case how do I do that?!

[madmouse]

You are not a weirdo

Or maybe I'm just saying that because you sound too much like me?

I really recognise that floating feeling, I have the same lack of highs (my wedding day) and lows (the deaths of my mum, best friend at 15 and grandmothers).

It does sound like your childhood was not as it should be. With me the cause of this 'floating' was my emotions being frozen to cope with sexual abuse. That's not to say it is anything like that for you, but this idea/feeling that you are somehow to blame for everything certainly could do with investigating.

I ended up in counselling when all the abuse memories came back and I fell ill. That's almost two years ago and I am a different person now. I feel the highs and the lows and I'm still adjusting to it, but I would not want to go back...

[cathbath]

Oh gosh you sound just like me...

You have put into words so eloquently what it feels like to live in an anxious state. It sounds like you've had a lot to cope with from childhood and also being a people pleaser, I know how exhausting that can be.

I have suffered for years and thought it was just 'me' - I didn't realise I could get help. Like you, I have a loving DH and a precious young family, yet I can't really relax and feel the joy in life - I am still looking over my shoulder and thinking something bad will happen.

It sounds like cognitive behaviour therapy might be really helpful. This online self-help course really helped me get a perspective on things. See //www.livinglifetothefull.com. It also gave me courage to talk to those closest to me and to see my doctor. Recognising the problem is definitely the first step!

[NinkyNonker]

Thanks for the responses, I'm glad I'm not alone and also that there is potentially something I can do! It was exhausting to think it was just 'me'. I just feel so on edge all the time wanting everyone to be happy, whether or not I am. DH is the only person I don't feel that way around. We went on hols with my best friend and her husband last week and I spent all week on edge wanting to make sure they were happy, had what they wanted, doing what they wanted etc etc...DH had to point out that it was my holiday as well and it was ok to say what I wanted. Not very good at that! Did practise yesterday with my parents...deciding where to go for lunch even though my father had already stated his preference and mine was different...brave old me eh! I need to learn to prioritise our new family unit over and above my parents I think.

I think I will make an appointment to chat to my GP, I think if I could get my anxiety under control (scored very significant levels of anxiety on the test on that site you recommended Cathbath, and significant for depression which surprised me) then perhaps my head will be clear enough to work on being more assertive and that bit stronger.

[cathbath]

NinkyNonker, I'm so glad you did that test and are considering getting help - I definitely think there's a lot you can do to break the negative thought patterns.

I've just realised your DD is only 12wks old, so no wonder you are exhausted - being a new mother can be a vulnerable time and throw up all kinds of issues. Talking to your doctor or health visitor might be helpful?

Relationships with other family members (parents etc) can and do change once you have your own family - for me it's been a necessary part of growing up. I think learning to put your own family unit first is absolutely the important thing. It sounds like you have a wonderful DH and can really be yourself around him.

[ToxicKitten]

Hello there, I have just tried to do the test as well and have registered on the site, but I can only see the first two questions on the first page, and it keeps asing me about questions 3 & 4? Could I ask some kind soul familiar with the site to check it for me? Many thanks :)