Don't know what to do

[wannabesybil]

I am new to this part of the board, so please be kind.

My GP bullied me (in the nicest way he could) to see a counsellor on the NHS. I can see why he would want to, as I really want to die, but as I said at the time, it is really difficult for me. I am always exhausted and he believes it may be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, eg I found it impossible to walk fifty yards, found it a massive struggle to stand up after kneeling, lots of pain etc.

The GP has also said that he needs a mental health assessment for the CFS diagnosis. I am not even sure I want a diagnosis, as there is no cure and I would just have to get on with things anyway.

Since May I have seen this counsellor exactly once. First it was her holiday, then she would be on a day off, then she was ill, then my ds was ill. She will only consider booking me in every fortnight, and if I miss one then I would have to wait for the next fortnight.

I did rearrange, and rearrange, and rearrange but then I forgot, I have no idea what day I should have gone and as I have been looking after a sick child, a sick husband and running round after my elderly father I was a bit low on being bothered.

Something that worries me, I watched the last episode of Sherlock and when I saw the people with bombs on, I couldn't understand why they were not happy, because they were going to die. It seems really hard to think otherwise but I suspect that it may not be a good thing to think like that.

I really don't know what best to do about counselling. Is it worth trying to find someone local and private, or should I wait until my son is at school and I have more options when I can get to counselling (I have no local support or anyone who could look after him). I am a bit bothered, and I have no-one I can discuss this with in RL. I would appreciate any views.

TYIA

[Flojo1979]

I think your suspicions r right, it isnt a good thing to be happy about the prospect of dying, i think most ppl instinct is self preservation.
I think u need to go back to gp and explain what has happened and get a referral to someone more suitable, maybe a psychiatrist could assess u, if not to rule out depressive illnesses and mood disorders and put your mnind at rest that it may well be CFS, there might not be a cure as such but there might be lots of other options and lifestyle choices to help with symptoms.
See a different gp if needs be.

[wannabesybil]

GP wanted me to approach the counselling service - the counsellor seemed to disbelieve a lot I said and I had to justify myself a lot, which made me even less enthusiastic. I don't have the strength to challenge the Mental Health people myself, and the same issues apply - it is very hard for me to make counselling in the way they have set up.

I have made an appt with the GP for next week, but I am not feeling v confident, although the GP can be absolutely brilliant.

On the whole I am not too bad at the moment, I don't feel a sense of urgency, but I have a niggle of concern. It is hard to see from the outside what is reasonable and what is not.

[Flojo1979]

U need to have trust and confidence in your counsellor for the process to work. It is their job to give u that kind of professional relationship. They need to be honest with you and sometime u might not want to hear what they have to say but u shouldnt feel judged. Explain all to Gp next wk and I'm sure they'll sort something out.

[AreYouAZombieNoImArfasleep]

I'm not hugely informed about Chronic Fatigue but think that if you have thoughts about dying being a good thing then that suggests depression, and mental health referral more likely to be helpful. Counselling can be useful as a long term help for some psychological or psychiatric conditions but in short term (to ease the 'dying' thoughts) antidepressants are usually more effective. Are you on any medication?

[wannabesybil]

I'm on antidepressants. They don't entirely agree with me, but I am ticking over.

I guess counselling would be a good idea. I've had counselling in the past but it hasn't always been helpful. I was just wondering whether it might be better to try and see a counsellor privately (though money would be a bit of a challenge) to try and find times when I could actually meet and to try and find a counsellor that would help me meet up with them.

I really don't want to go through the whole counselling bit, really, and that is another reason I am unenthusiastic. In the past I have come up against the same block, I have never got past it, I cannot see how I can get past it, and it is so hard for me to actually go once a week to somewhere. I get three afternoons, when I am trying to somehow catch up with housework, and to sacrifice one of those is a big deal. I have always thought that you have to approach counselling with a willingness to work at it. I am also sometimes so exhausted that I can't even make it to the end of the road, never mind an appointment two buses each way.

But I guess I really need to go.

Sorry to ramble. I won't be able to get on much at the weekend (keep having to break off to hide this from father) but I appreciate all the replies.