Pow! splatt ! Bam (is the sound of my head)

[wickerman]

Hmm. It's hard to know where to start with this.

But my brother, whom I adore, has had a severe breakdown - and has revealed horrific abuse from my parents throughout his childhood. He is now 46.

I'm reeling in so many ways - the confirmation that my parents were abusers - I'd managed to rationalise my way out of this one despite evidence to the contrary from my own childhood - and the fact that he now has multiple issues including bipolar, ocpd, ptsd, and occasional psychosis.

I'm so very sad and angry for him - he's a wonderful man and has had a lifetime of half-baked therapy, all of which he has managed to walk out of without anyone chasing him up, and at several times my parents have bullied him into dropping treatment, and now I know why.

I'm terrified that I too have these things and that I won't be able to parent my children properly - I'm a single parent - I'm terrified that I'm going to abuse my children, I'm completely unable to tolerate the fact that my parents abused him - I mean they abused me too but not nearly so badly - and I'm terrified of the impact of this news on our older sister who is in many ways still like a child.

Has anyone been through anything remotely like this? OR can offer advice? My instinct is to go back into therapy immediately .

[madmouse]

Oh no what a nightmare...

My experience is limited to having been abused (badly) outside the family so no I haven't gone through this in the same way.

I do feel I can say the following:

Yes if you can go back into therapy immediately to help you deal with the fall out and with your own increased awareness that they really did these things

And it is by no means the case that abuse victims go on to abuse. It is possible, but most abuse survivors become good parents with an acute awareness of how not to parent and a very deliberate and conscienscious way of figuring out how to do it instead.

[kibbutz83]

Hi Wickerman, I was abused sexually by my older brother, and emotionally and mentally by my parents....I have suffered terribly over the years ( I'm now 47 ) I have consistently put myself in "harms way" since the abuses, as I knew no other way of behaving :( I have been suffering a mental/emotional breakdown for almost 6 years, unable to "pull myself" out of it... I've been in group therapy and counselling on and off over the years ( much like your brother ) My anxiety levels are unbelievable, and every minute I believe I am going to drop down dead :( This is the "legacy" of any kind of abuse or neglect, and most of the time we are left to "deal"" with it in isolation. My parents don't "believe" in therapy! I realize this is a cop-out as they choose not to take any responsibility for their actions.. I can truly say that I know what your brother ( and probably you ) are experiencing:(
I also have PTSD, as I used to smoke "skunk", to mask my pain, and almost choked to death one night while stoned :( Two months later ( 5 years ago ) I had my first full-blown panic attack! I have learnt on the whole to control them during the day..... night time is a different story :( I have been known ( without sleeping pills or tranx ) to leap out of my bed in terror ( having a flashback in my sleep ) and find myself in the kitchen gasping for water, as in my mind I am choking all over again...
Through all this misery and horror, I have managed to bring up my son (now 17) He is a lovely person, despite my mother telling me when pregnant that he would be born with 2 heads, and be dead by the time he was a year old. Hence the terrible nightly nightmares I have suffered since, waking up at 3,4,5am in a cold sweat "seeing" him dead in a ditch... raped and murdered! All guilt put on me by my parents. I have been raped twice, because I didn't recognize dangerous people or situations...I had been born into one!
I have "suffered" to keep my son safe, at the huge expense of my health....only to find him on the internet recently, being "groomed" by a known paedophile!!! My son is still a virgin, and quite gullible : ( Needless to say, I called the police, though they have done nothing.
So, yes I can say I know what it is to suffer, and I also know that we mostly have to "learn" how to cope. Therapy for me has been both positive and negative over the years, you just have to take the plunge and do what feels right for you :)
Being abused, does not mean that you will be abusive to your children by any means... as long as you keep your behaviour in check, as you may well have learnt some bad coping mechanisms from your parents...as has your poor brother :( ps I was also a single mum :(