i'm so scared

[AmIAlone]

i'm pregnant for the first time, i'm now 34+3, when i found out i was so happy, and still am. i really REALLY want this baby, its been 2 years of ttc hell, mc's and an operation.

the problem is during the first trimester i had quite a hard time and seriously considered abortion and telling dh it was another mc if you knew me you'd know this is completly out of character for me and i personally believe abortion isnt right (i dont want to get into an argument about this - i just wanted to point this out as i feel it shows my frame of mind at the time, i respect other peoples decisions and fully support friends who have had abortions)
i didnt tell dh i was feeling like this and am too ashamed to admit that i didnt want our much longed for baby

the feeling shocked me so much and i pushed it to the back of my mind, put on a front and acted as if every thing was fine and it sort of has been untill now.

i'm having a really hard time in the final few weeks and just want this baby out of me, i have feelings of hatred towards her she is runing my body, hurting me and making me feel tired and crap all the time. i cant stop crying and hate myself for feeling like this.

i dont really hate her - deep down i really want her to be part of our family. but i am so scared that when she is born i'll still feel like this. i've discussed some of the issues with dh and we have come up with some ways of deling with things now and once the baby is born.

but i just feel so guilty and horrible for feeling like this. friends are already asking if we've thought about when we will start trying for number 2 and i just want to scream and shout at them. i feel so belittled when i get told i'll want another once this one comes out when in actual fact, right now i dont want this one.

friends keep telling me how much i should be enjoying being pregnant and bonding with my baby but i just want her out of me, i havent enjoyed any of this pregnancy and when she moves i just wish she would stop. thats hardly bonding is it?

i dont know what to do, i'm scared that if i admit all of how i'm feeling to dh or anyone else they will take my baby away from me which i really dont want.

i just feel so alone in all of this

[5inthebed]

You sound so confused and alone.

I've never experienced it, but I do think you may have pregnancy related depression. You need to speak to your midwife about how you are feeling. She won't judge you or take your baby away from you, she will be trained in this sort of thing.

Sorry I can;t be of any more help, but didn't want to read and run. Hopefully someone who has had experience of this will be along to offer some wise words.

[Flighttattendant]

I didn't bond with my second while he was still in me - hated every kick and every scan picture I was given I hid and refused to look at.

It was awful but I already had a child which meant I just got on with things iyswim...I pretended all was fine.

When he was born, it all changed. Sudden;y there was this baby - a tiny, sweet, individual little person who was really lovely and warm and nice.

I loved him as soon as I dared look at him and the bond has been intense since that moment, really intense. More so than with my older one.

I think there is hope that things will change once she is actually 'there'.

Please don't be so frightened. You must tell someone. One person you can trust, will do. It helps you feel less of a freak.

[Flighttattendant]

Btw my 'unwanted' one is now 3 and on my lap as we speak...getting away with mischief.

One thing that helped me I think in the final weeks of pg was the pathos of it - I began to pity this poor unwanted creature, that no one loved. It was that that sparked the love I think and made me realise I had a place in his life.

[Scarabeetle]

You poor thing - you need a bit of help to get through this and there's no shame in that. Do speak with your midwife or make an appointment with your doctor. Be frank with them. No one is going to take your baby away from you. It may be that you need some mild anti-depressants for a time. Sometimes even pregnant women need them. I had post natal depression, which is different I know - but it was an awfully alone feeling. It's only been a few months, but now the clouds have lifted (they did pretty quickly) it seems odd to look back and think about how crap I felt. I didn't think I could go on.

Some women get this way before they have the baby. A friend of mine went through something similar and she was fine once the baby was born. We are all different.

Go easy on yourself. Not everyone feels blissful in pregnancy - I think it's just a media/advertising fantasy!

[AmIAlone]

thankyou for all your replies and not judging me.

Dh came home early while i was in the kitchen and he read this thread and asked if i had written it.

We've had a really long discussion about everything and I'm feeling alittle better about things.

Thanks flight, thats really good to hear that things changed once he was born.

[nemofish]

Some women simply do not enjoy being pregnant, the changes to their bodies and lifestyle while pregnant can difficult and some women like you feel that their body doesn't belong to them anymore as they have a rather thoughtless lodger who demands food, moves around a lot at night and may make a mess when they leave too!

I was a very 'glowing' earth mother type and I wafted around for 6 months of my pregnancy as I loved it - but I know that everyone's experience is different - there is no 'wrong' or 'right,' it's just the way you feel.

You are not in control of your feelings, you can't help the way you feel.

It'll work out, don't worry.

[AmIAlone]

thankyou

A close friend came round this morning and out of the blue started talking about her pregnancy and her pre and post natal depression it was really good to talk to her...ok well she talked and i just cried! But i'm feeling so much better now.

I have a mw appointment booked for next tuesday, i'll try and talk to her about it, even tho i really dont like her!

I'm just concentrating on the 5 1/2 weeks (at most) to go. Then i get to meet and cuddle my baby girl, which is what i'm really looking forward to.

[Scarabeetle]

So glad you're feeling better. Hormones can wreak havoc - it's just not fair!

Make sure you have a decent amount of support once the baby arrives. Though you will need emotional support you will need help with taking care of the baby and daily chores too. I really underestimated how much help I would need. If you have family around that you can rely on you are lucky, make the most of them. My family are all o/s so we bit the bullet and got some paid help, worth every penny. I only realised how much assistance I would need when the baby arrived and I was sitting in my hospital bed (post C-section) entirely sleep deprived and in tears.

Don't want to add to your concerns, but think it's best if you engage some help now, in anticipation, if you don't have enough family support.

Best of luck to you and your baby girl when she gets here!!