symptoms of depression/anxiety does anyone identify?

[single1ds]

Hi
this is my first time on this thread.
I am a single parent to 1ds. h left me 1 yr ago after 13 yrs together. i am 34.
i have suffered with depression on and off since i was around 14, when my mother left and i stayed with my dad until i went to uni. i want to beat depression, i am sick of it, i want to be happy, i feel like life is passing me by!i work Pt which helps. anyway my symptoms are these:
I feel tightness in my chest
i have panick attacks, woke up last night at 3am and was crying as i woke up, almost in my sleep
my life doesnt seem real
i feel i am trying to "keep up" all of the time
i keep depression secret, i dont talk about it
i have low self esteem, battered by my mother and h
i never feel i am good enough, even though evidence suggests otherwise
i feel judged
the other week i cut my wrist 3 times, this is the 1st time i have done it, i think it was a cry for help, not deep cuts just scratches, but the marks are still there.
i just want something to lift my mood.
singel becoming single parent, the isolation makes it feel worse

[BarbieLovesKen]

Oh Im so sorry. Yes, I identify with some of what you have explained above. I would beg you to go to your GP, particulary over the cutting. I know, believe me, what a huge step that is and how hard it is, I, like you had never spoke of my feelings until yesterday and went to the Doctor, I was sick with anxiety and feelings of weaknesses and failure but honestly, today I feel a somewhat relief - that Im finally doing something about it and may finally, with some treatment just be happy.

Please make an appointment.

[single1ds]

Hi BLK
thank you, i know i need to go to thee doctor and i will. i am fed up though of never getting out of the position of going to the doctrs all of the time. i just thought that if i dont go for a couple of years things will naturally sort themselves out

[GetDownYouWillFall]

The things you are experiencing sound like a normal reaction to what you've been through TBH. You poor love, to have first your mum and then your husband leave you... these should be two of the most important attachment figures in your life. No wonder your self esteem has taken a battering.

Sounds like you are suffering classic anxiety and depression symptoms - the self-harming is just another symptom, a big warning sign that things are getting out of hand and you need external help. You cannot simply "snap out" of serious depression.

Have you got a close friend you can talk to about how you are feeling, you mention you never talk about it. But keeping it all in, is damaging you... you need to talk to someone. If you go and see the GP as barbie says you may be able to be referred for counselling on the NHS. And you probably could also do with anti-depressants to help you in the meantime.

Sorry for all you have been through, however, the good news is you don't have to live in the shadow of your past any longer. There is hope - you have your little DS, and who knows, maybe another special someone in your life who won't treat you like s**t.

Take care
x

[lilmissmummy]

You do need to see the doctor.

I felt like you do - like I was watching life from the outside looking in etc.

I take antidepressants and I feel "normal" (?) again, like I can cope again. Currently I am not taking them as I am, I guess, in some sort of remission. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression with anxiety and OCD and I know this will never go away forever.

If you can think of it like a condition like glandular fever that you have no choice when it strikes and sometimes you will need help to get better. There will also be times when you will be better but it may come back.

The tablets and the therapy will help and it sounds like you need the support. I hope you get the help you need.

[single1ds]

thank you. my H really does treat me like crap.i have been totally reasonable, tried to be understanding with him, but he is ultimately impossible.he left as i had PND. this is what gets me so down, i have similar relaionship with mother but maybe that can be repaired. i am getting councelling now via relate, on my own. stupid thing is i dont tell the councellor about these things, more about my situation. i am too ashamed. i feel like i am looking for approval all of the time, as i never get it from anywhere! (sorry i dont want to be feeling sorry for myself) but i always feel criticised.
i cope well to the outside, i look ok, i dress nicely, i just won an award at work recently. my son is beautiful, i live in a nice house really. i have a lot to be thankful for. yet still i feel like this. i cannot work it out.

[lilmissmummy]

Congratulations on holding it together so successfully! I hope that you manage to get to the doctors and maybe consider telling the full story to your therapist?! If you feel you cant say it, perhaps write it down?

[single1ds]

i dont feel like i am holding it together but i suppose i am...just..
been out running and feel better as dropped ds off at his nanas for couple of hours.i wish this was a regular occurance but it is not offered, but i feel like a different person, however i wish it would last. problem is as soon as back into routine i feel the same. i am writing a diary, however i never feel like i have time to properly process things and take things in, i feel like my mind is so busy and i cannot concentrate.. :-(

[single1ds]

especially with son, i feel my mind is not completely on him and not completely on the other things but somewhere inbetween, i think it is stress and worry

[BarbieLovesKen]

You see, you shouldnt feel ashamed. But I do understand why as I feel most of what you feel and although for a long time I thought I was unusual/ mad/ strange I can now bet you and I are not the only 2 with these feelings. What Im trying to say is there is nothing to be ashamed for. This happens to people. A Doctor will have heard this a million times. I worked myself into such a state about going to the Docs that I was physically sick and crying. I, like you, was always telling myself that Id go but Im sorry, Im not convinced that you will. I wouldnt have if I had not been almost forced by family. This concerns me, particulary with self harm also you dont deserve to continue to live your life like this, you deserve a nice and happy life and you deserve things to be better - same as anyone else.

It wasnt, like most things, half of how horrible I had made it out to be in my head. Do you know what the Doctor said to me? You have done the right thing, I know and I understand, I see this alot, you and I are going to work very hard together at making this all better and giving you and your children a much better quality of life. Single1ds, tell me you dont want to hear this? its the thoughts. Its obvious you adore your son, so maybe put it in your head your doing this (doc) for him - I know when your feeling this way you'll do very little for yourself but maybe if you talk yourself around that way...

[single1ds]

Hi BLK
thank you.i have just read your thread and you have totally got through to me. the part, "I, like you, was always telling myself that Id go but Im sorry, Im not convinced that you will."
your right,i am going to make an appointment this week and i am going to come back on here and let you know the outcome. i need to do this for myself and my son. i am ashamed as i have been so many times, started taking anti depressants, but never for long enough and then just not gone back to get more. hopefully this time will be different. i do want to hear what you said and i know i dont deserve to feel like this but i honestly done beleive i can get out of it as i have felt this way for years.maybe this time will be different