ex dp will not let me go (warning: long)

[Caththerese1973]

hi
I left my dp six months ago. he wants me to come back, and while I feel sorry for him, I really don't want to return to him. I just don't see how 'giving it a second chance' could possibly work when I don't want to give it a second chance, and can't help not wanting to! he has made me feel so guilty that I almost wish I could make myself want him again (does this sound mad?). He did a lot of things that were very hurtful, humiliating and enraging while we were together, and I just cannot bring myself to forgive him Or rather, I can forgive him on an abstract level, but I don't want to live with him, have sex with him, etc.
But everytime I see him he tries to kiss and hold me, tries to manipulate me by making me feel guilty (says he is lonely, says he has no life without me) etc. I DO feel very guilty as I have taken our 2.5 y/o dd to live with me, and that's no small thing. He does, however, see her two days a week and I have told him he could have her overnight if he wants to, but somehow it never seems to happen.
If I try to be honest with him he simply explodes with rage, which is usually followed by horrible threats (that there will be custody battles and so on), which is usually followed by suicidal-sounding, despairing phone calls.
I am happy to always be close friends with him, and even intend to move closer to him so he can see our dd more often, but I simply don't want to reconcile, and he will not accept this, or even let me tell him how I feel. I am so depressed, so guilty, I feel like such a bitch. Can anyone help (or even relate?)

[spagblog]

I am sorry that you are having a hard time.
Unfortunately he cannot accept that you don't want him and appears to be trying everything he can think of to get control back.
Stick to your guns.
If you cannot face the idea of being with him, then it would be a very bad idea to try.

You just have to be firm and understand that he is devastated by this.
He needs time to get it into his head that it is over. Be patient, things may improve to where you can remain friends, but be ready to take a legal stance if he wants to play it that way.

I have never experienced anything at this level, but had to put up with a similar chain of emotions from a partner who I no longer wanted to be with.
You can see why they are acting the way that they are, but as all the love for them is gone, you feel remote and disgusted by it all.

Hope things get better for you.

[basketcase]

I think you know that you have made the right decision for all of you and hopefully in the future he will see and understand that. For the sake of you all, I guess you already know that you just need to stick to your guns and be firm with him.
Clearly he has not accepted that it is over for good. Do you have any mutual friends that you could trust to speak to him and explain that you are moving on with your life, he needs to do the same etc. What about his family? are there any of them you could enlist to support him and help him come to terms with it.
He sounds emotionally very unstable but it is unfair and impractical to expect you to put aside you and your daiughter?s needs just to make him feel a bit less alone.

[Caththerese1973]

Thanks for the responses. The whoe thing really gets me down. It would be so much easier if we did not have a child together (not that I regret our beautiful dd of course). Before I got pregnant I realised that we would have to part company, actually. then I realised I was expecting (it was unplanned) and so on the strength of that we got back together. For a while we were quite happy too - the little baby really brought us together, but I suspect that this may have been superficial, and more to do with my post-natal personality (exhausted and placid, lol!) than our actual compatibility. I do feel horrible, though, about having shared the whole experience of birth and babyhood with him, only to leave later down the track. I feel really terrible about hurting him so, but at the same time I just do not want to go back to him. I feel like I have really f**ked up his life. And like one poster said, all of his manpulative tactics etc just make me less keen than ever. I guess it is only human nature: no-one wants to put in time with someone who makes them feel guilty and horrible!

[Caththerese1973]

sadly basketcase, there are no 'mutual friends'. He HATES all my friends (the few that I have). His mother died when he was young and his family, as a consequence, is not very close. he is so very alone. It is awful to think of him be so isolated.
Still, he is a musician and is still playing gigs, writing songs etc, hanging out with other musicians etc, so I sometimes feel he cannot be that depressed. Not that these kinds of activities are any substitute for one's family or child, but all the same, the suggest that for all his despair, he does manage to have some sort of a life, and would pick himself up again eventually.

[WideWebWitch]

I agree with Sobernow. When I left ex dh, taking 2yo ds, ex was very unhappy and depressed (made psychiatric appointments which I don't think he kept, made long phone calls to my mum late at night, that kind of thing) and I had an horrendous time to start with, being on my own, no money blah blah and it would have been the easiest thing to have gone back to him. On the face of it my life would have been much better had I done so, financial security, with the father of my child etc, BUT I knew at the time it was the wrong thing to do and so I didn't. Btw ex dh is a wonderful man, kind, good and lovely but he and I were fundamentally unsuited and so I refused to go back. There was no issue with suicide threats or anything though.

What I can tell you is that I persisted with contact -he didn't want to see ds at first so I arranged it through MIL, his mother - I kept being sensible and reasonable and calm and now we are great friends and all is extrememly amicable. He sees ds every other weekend, I have a new-ish dp with whom I have a nearly 2yo dd, and he and ex dh are friends - they bond over computer stuff and mock bitching about me! So it took time but it was worth it. Keep being nice, persist with contact, stay calm and refuse to be manipulated and DON'T go back if it's not the right thing to do. Good luck. And you're not a bitch.