feeling strange

[angel2001]

have been feeling good for the last 2-3 weeks which i know is excellent as for the last 18 mths been on a rough ride. but the problem i have is i am now taking pride in my appearance and seem to be enjoying the relaxed feeling i do think its the new drug they put me n when i was in hospital in April/may. they put me on a mood stabilizer i have also lost a stone and a half in weight. i went in the loft the other day and managed to find my old clothes i put up there years ago and never thought i would never fit in them again. i was a size 18 so the 14s went in the loft am now a 14 again and i feel good for it.
the problem i have is this feeling good and taking pride in myself is making me feel strange and guilty. should i be doing this because i used to do this as a child and had 10 years of abuse fro my dad and step dad and also raped by a stranger. so part old me says go back to being the scraggy person then noone will touch me. but i am kind of feeling good in taking pride in myself as people are taking notice of me too saying how good i look. i am scared someone is going to abuse me again. i cant talk to my physc about it because he is saying how well i am doing and looking and i am not sure he will understand from a woman's point of view especially abused woman. i am going to try and speak to a lady physc this week who i get on with but then think am i being silly. will these feelings ever change. even my hubby says he has notice that he hs his old wife back from 16yrs ago being smart and taking pride in herself. i dont know what to do

[willsurvivethis]

I really understand what you mean. I was abused as a skinny little scrap of an 7-11 year old and it stopped when I started to develop (thankfully early!). I'm now having specialist counselling (from a charity called Safeline) and now my weight is naturally and slowly dropping so far from a 22 to an 18 and that feels ok. I have lost a lot of weight before (from a 22 to a 10) but it didn't last and I kept problem eating and I now believe that it was subconscious.

Your husband feeling he has his wife back can actually really pile the pressure on for you!
My husband is very pleased to because he worries about my health while I'm heavy. I have tried so hard to teach him that my eating is a symptom not a cause and that it will change and it has.

You sound like this would be a great time for some counselling because what you need is some help to change your thinking to no one will abuse me now, I'm safe, I don't need to be big. And that again sounds easier than it is because I don't know about you but I was abused again as a young adult and sometimes I worry that I will not be able to protect myself if it happens again.But then I can remind myself that I can.

If you don't feel you can tak to your psych (who really should understand!!) can you arrange some counselling via your gp or even privately?

[Nemofish]

Nothing wrong with telling your psych about it. You don't have to 'do well' for the sake of your psych.

Agree with willsurvive this, wanting to go back to the 'scraggy' you is a safety behaviour, I think your anxiety about being vulnerable to abuse will ease given a little time. Just go with the flow.

[angel2001]

well i did it told them how i felt and we had a huge discussion about lots of things. they agree there is some work tha needs to be done over the next few months to a year but i was listened to. still find it hard but i was open ok it was to a woman not my usual phsyc but i didit