Hello. I hope nobody objects to my posting about this but I don't know where else to turn.
I found out I was pregnant just after Christmas, am now around 6 weeks. The first factor that renders this situation less than ideal is that my partner and I have only been together since the early autumn, and he (very devoted and in touch with emotions, also significantly older) remains a lot surer than me (his opposite in virtually every regard). Moreover, I started university in September, have for some years now been in a pretty ghastly job which I now juggle with uni, have a large operation scheduled fairly imminently that could not be performed on me whilst pregnant - and not having had it performed prior to pregnancy risks a very uncomfortable/potentially complicated third trimester and guarantees a c section. To cap it all, have just been turfed out of my house (swiped by unscrupulous property acquisition company) and so am back with my family for a month or so with a view to finding a new rental/house share soon. So logically, to say it isn't the time is something of an understatement.
For the first few days I gave the whole thing very little thought. Partner went to pieces about the whole thing and was confiding in various friends about his heartache at the situation, and rather unhelpfully saying things to me about his melancholy curiosity as to the baby's gender, hair colour, future personality etc. I am somebody who runs very much on logic over emotion so gently spelt out the reasons why continuing the pregnancy were unwise, and the consensus was that this was what was sensible. Neither of us have much money, partner is primarily self-employed in an area that he loves but the income itself is unpredictable.
I went to the doctor and booked an appointment with BPAS; appointment was yesterday and the procedure is now booked for Monday.
Trouble is I've changed my mind. I broached the subject very subtly with partner last night and it seems that my constant banging on as to the virtues of logic over emotion are more compelling than I'd assumed. he has had a colossal change of heart. Very ironically (considering all my horror at his romanticisation of the idea of parenthood and heartbreak at the idea of losing the foetus) he seemed almost distressed at the possibility of continuing the pregnancy, telling me he wanted to go ahead with the termination and citing all of my prior reasons back at me very vehemently and pointing out that he would have to give up his burgeoning creative career. I wanted to insist that this was not so but I felt this would make my current feelings on the issue abundantly clear so held my tongue, and rather embarrassingly dissolved into tears as soon as we'd hung up (I'm not a cryer).
I am terrified of Monday. I am terrified of having the termination and of not having it. I am terrified that were I not to, he would feel duty bound to give up his career and I would never forgive myself in all likelihood. The morning sickness has hit me like a freight train which makes it very difficult to think straight, of course. I think what has confused the issue further for me is that thanks to a pelvic ultrasound for other reasons on the day I ovulated, I know that in all likelihood I will have conceived on the day that my grandfather died.
I just don't know what to do, or indeed what I am doing. I have spoken to my mother briefly about it all and she has been very kind, but at my own instigation fairly hands off, and I have not made the extent of my doubts plain.
I just feel paralysed by it all. Every possible route seems disastrous but ultimately I am now fairly sure I don't want to go through with it.
Any suggestions, own experiences, anything at all would be very gratefully received.
I know I'm not a mother yet so I hope it is not bad etiquette to be posting here, I just didn't know where else to come.
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Family planning
Suddenly undecided about termination, feel desperate
9 replies
brambly · 08/01/2016 11:10
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