Ectopic Pregnancy Aftermath?

[Mummybethh07]

Hi, I'm new to this so excuse me if I say or do anything wrong but I was looking for some advice!

5 months ago I fell pregnant, I had been with my partner less than a year, our relationship was a bit rocky& he himself still has a lot of growing up to do! I have a nearly 2 year old son and suffered very bad postnatal depression with him, I was self harming and was suicidal at one point, my partner is fully awake of all this. When he found out I was pregnant he flipped out, said some horrible things and basically said he wasn't ready for a baby anytime soon! With this in mind we called up the clinic and booked an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby but knew full well that if I had bad postnatal depression again I wouldn't be able to look after my 2 year old and a new born, this broke my heart! So the day comes we drive to the clinic and in my head I have a plan, if I get scanned, speak to them and still want to keep my baby then I walk out and raise the baby by myself.
They scanned me and couldn't see anything, did an internal scan and told me it was an ectopic pregnancy, explained everything to me, booked me back in to have it removed and sent me home. Few hours later I started bleeding, once examined they said to take it easy I was passing the pregnancy naturally and spoke to me like I should be pleased. Went back for a follow up and everything was fine, baby was gone and I was unharmed.

But now I feel broken, how do I have the right to feel pain and grieve for a baby that I may not have kept. I think about what my baby might have been like every day, I dream about it and cry. To make things worse I now feel pregnant again, I'm dizzy, I'm throwing up, my nose is very sensitive and I just feel funny in myself, I keep thinking I can feel quickenings. But I'm having periods so it must just all be in my mind, my periods are very short compared to normal but they're coming! I am not trying for a baby, I'm not wishing to get pregnant, I'm just trying to focus on my son but it's like my mind and body won't let me. What is wrong with me?--
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Also I'm aware I may get some nasty comments about the fact that I considered abortion and may have even gone through with it if the circumstances were different but you need to understand that I'm a 19 year old mum with postnatal depression, yea iv fallen pregnant twice but contraception fails, I have always been safe. If you aren't going to say anything nice or helpful then please don't say anything at all. Thank you x