I think I have a phobia about being pregnant again... Plz don't judge me?

[MeowImaCatfish]

I had ds at 15, he's almost 2. Recently got pregnant again and had a termination on 18th dec. (I have depression, with previous attempts on my life... An unstable relationship with parents and I struggle everyday tryin to give ds what he needs.) please don't judge me.. It was the only thing I felt I could do considering things. I am not in the right frame of mind for child are at all.
The thought of being pregnant again makes me feel sick, panicky, I want to cry and I get sweaty palms. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore.
After the termination I got the injection... And things have gone totally tits up. I feel depressed almost everyday, I've bled for the last 2 months and I feel dirty and disgusting. I don't have a sex drive at all anymore... It just doesn't interest me.. And it's putting a strain on my relationship with DP.. We've cuddled in bed maybe twice in the last month... I just don't know what to do anymore. I think I have a phobia of pregnancy... Is that even possible!? The last 3/4 months have quite possibly been the worst I've felt since about 4 years ago... I just don't get it. I'm sick of bleeding, I'm sick of feeling like utter shit. I'm sick of being cranky 24/7 and shouting at ds when I feel really low. I know I am depressed again. I have a fear of talking to strangers and counselling would stress me to the point of tears and panic attacks. (we tried before lots of times) I feel like (or maybe I just am?) a bad parent and I'm terrified of telling my gp that I feel depressed again. Last time they couldn't put me on ADs.. And I suspect it's going to be the same old story if I go back now. I'm seriously thinkin about looking into sterilisation... That's what I'd rather do instead of facing the possibility of ever being pregnant again. Is it possible to be sterilised at 18? Someone please just tell me it's all going to be okay. I feel worse than I have in a long long time. And it hurts to see it hurting the people around me..

[nooka]

Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate OP, and you are understandably finding it difficult to cope. I would go back to the GP (or family planning clinic) and talk about the problems you are having because it's quite likely that they are related to the injection. Perhaps something like the Mirena or old fashioned copper coil might be a better option (if you are sensitive to hormones). I think it's pretty unlikely that you will get a referral for sterilization at your age, even if it's really what you want.

[dancestomyowntune]

Bless you darling! Please, go to your doctor and tell them how low you feel. I do not think you are a bad parent, I think you are struggling with coming to terms with the termination you had. Did you speak to anyone about it at the time? You say counselling isn't for you, but have you considered speaking to someone over the telephone?

Why couldn't your gp give you antidepressants before? Was it a case of couldn't, or wouldn't? If the latter then perhaps request to see a different doctor.

I think you are focussing on the idea of a fear of pregnancy as a reason for your depression, but at eighteen I think any doctor would be reluctant to sterilise, especially as you only have one child.

Have you considered long term contraception in the form of a more a coil or an implant?