friend having TFMR - what should I expect?

[cantmakeitbetter]

My friend is having a termination for medical reasons. She's also our lodger, so will be coming back here after she gets out of hospital.

Is there anything I can do that will help? E.g. is she likely to need anything like inco pads, or will mat pads be enough? I don't know what to expect, and don't want to make things worse for her by grilling her about what she wants. It's over 20 weeks (due to various delays & fuckups), but I don't know if I should expect it to be like a full-term birth or not.

We also have a toddler which feels worse, like it's rubbing her face in it IYSWIM. Had been keeping the baby clothes for her, had just given her some maternity clothes before she had the bad news.

Basically, what should I do to avoid making a shitty situation even harder for her?

[kazza446]

Just be there for her, give her her own space when she wants it, respect the silence. I hid away after my termination for medical reasons. Could not face the world, I can't remember the physical side tbh so can't help out with that. I know it's a cliche but time does heal.

[MarthasHarbour]

So sorry for your friend - you also sound like a good friend

I lost my baby at 21 weeks. I will post from my experience in terms of what helped me.

She will have to give birth to the baby, so will have all the post natal symptoms. Maternity pads will be fine, get plenty in (although supermarket sanitary pads for ordinary periods are fine - as long as they are the thick overnight ones).

When i came home from hospital my MIL had fresh sheets on the bed but with a big towel for me to sleep on (as i was paranoid that i would bleed all over the bed - i didnt but the towel was reassuring). She will be dazed and confused when she comes back so a nice fresh bed with some fresh pyjamas ready to climb into bed will be lovely.

Ask her if she wants you to field visitors. I was happy for a close friend to come over a couple of days later but was less happy when my nosey neighbour came round moaning about us leaving hedge clippings on the path to blow into her garden (ok she didnt know but wouldnt let up even when i started telling her it was a bad time to call).

How close is she to your toddler? Obv my situation was different but i needed lots of hugs from my then 3yo DS. But DH and FIL also took him swimming for a couple of hours the day after to give me some rest - again be guided by her relationship with you and your child. She might like to hear 'normal' house routine sounds.

Basically be there for her. MIL and DH were great - they brought me tea and toast on demand and listened when i wanted to talk. They also left me be when i needed to rest. She will be emotionally all over the place but as long as she knows you are 'there' you are doing a great job.

Good luck and hugs for your friend

[MarthasHarbour]

Oh and lots of plastic bags (or nappy sacks doubled up) for her to dispose of the maternity pads. Thankfully my MIL was a nurse and Midwife so was happy to just empty the bathroom bin for me - they were all bagged up!

[LBOCS]

Breast pads, possibly? Her milk may come in afterwards.

You sound like a lovely friend.

[MarthasHarbour]

Good point LBOCS. I was given medication to stop my milk coming in but you never know.

[cantmakeitbetter]

Thanks everyone, exactly what I needed, mix of helpful advice on practical and emotional aspects. Will make sure breastpads/bags on hand in bathroom for her.

Crying now at the thought of her milk coming in with no baby to drink it

[MarthasHarbour]

Hopefully they will be able to give her medication to stop the milk. You sound so lovely

Also I cannot stress enough how important chocolate is