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Please help, partner wants abortion

(3 Posts)
columnofwater Fri 14-Mar-14 10:48:19

I just signed up to post this problem, as I don't know what to do. I have been with my partner for three years, we love each other very much and have a good relationship. He is 28 and I am 33. I just found out I am pregnant.

My partner says we are not financially ready and that I should terminate the pregnancy. He says he doesn't want to bring our baby up on benefits, and although he definitely wants to have children with me, he wants us to take a few years to build up our lives and take the leap when we both have full time jobs, own a house etc.

My partner is self employed at the moment and barely makes enough to scrape by on. He's probably applied for 100's of full time jobs in his field, but hasn't so far been successful, and has been living on a meagre self-employed income for the last two years. I am in a more stable field, but currently on a fixed term contract for one year that requires me to live in the back of beyond, and since I moved to take up the job he has moved back in with his mum. Despite being apart we still have a strong and close relationship.

I know what he is saying makes perfect sense, but I can't explain to him how it feels to me. I feel like for him a termination seems like the obvious thing to do - we would just be carrying on as if nothing has happened. But to me it doesn't seem like such an easy choice. I feel emotionally like I would be killing our child, even though I am only 6-7 weeks pregnant. He says it is just a bundle of cells at this point, and I know he cannot comprehend why I feel the way I do, which to him must seem so irrational.

I feel like as we love each other, and know we want to have children together, our financial situation is not a big enough reason to take the huge step of termination, whereas for him it seems that termination isn't a huge step at all, it's just the logical response to us being not quite ready, and actually keeping the baby is the huge step. It seems like, from his perspective, the abortion option is as simple as taking the morning after pill.

I love him so much and I don't want to destroy his life or our future together by forcing him to do something that he's not ready for, but the thought of terminating the pregnancy, even at this early stage, really upsets me, and I'm even scared I would resent him if I made that choice. I feel like either way I go, it's wrong.

I looked at a lot of similar problems on message boards and they just got caught up in the abortion debate or said "screw him". Not that it's relevant, but I'm pro-choice generally, I just never knew I'd feel this attached. I know without a doubt that my partner would support the baby if it was born, but I feel like I'd be making the biggest decision of his life in a direction that he clearly doesn't want, and that seems so unfair. I feel like if I loved him, I would have the termination, but I didn't know the thought of it would fill me with so much horror. I feel like I'm being so irrational, but I really can't help it, and I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long, but has anyone been in a similar situation? I really don't know what to do and I'm so unhappy.

meditrina Fri 14-Mar-14 14:03:45

OP: you might want to ask MNHQ to move this to the "antenatal tests and choices" section, or perhaps Relationships, as I think you'll find more posters who can help you there (rather than here in Contraception).

TooBigNow Sat 05-Apr-14 16:29:20

I had a termination years ago at a very difficult time in my life.
Based on my experience, I did regret having it done and wonder what my child would have been like.

You are already 33. If you leave it too many years, you may not be able to have any children, or end up with problems.

Very difficult choice for you to make. sad

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