Sorry if this post isn't in the 'right' home. It isn't about contraception, but about family planning - as in shall I take the plunge and have a second? I couldn't decide where else to put it.
DS will be nine this year. He and I have a brilliant relationship. We're so close; I just love him to bits.
I always used to want two children. Then when DS was two I was told I couldn't have any more, which devastated me. Then his dad and I separated when DS was three, and so I assumed that even if I could have any more, I most likely wouldn't; I also didn't want another child to ever go through the upheaval DS went through when his dad and I separated. So I became increasingly accepting of having just my lovely DS. Then I was later told by a doctor that I might be able to have another child - but I was single and didn't expect to meet and settle down with anyone, so it seemed irrelevant by then. Then a few years ago, lovely DP and I got together. He has children already, and is a great dad, but always fancied the idea of having one more. So the possibility of another child opened up again.
We use contraception, but somehow this failed a year ago and I was utterly surprised (and elated, and bewildered) to find I was pregnant. We lost this baby early on, before the reality of the pregnancy had really sunk in ... so in a nutshell, the past six or more years have been an emotional rollercoaster, first grieving for my fertility, and coming to terms with not having the second child I thought I would have, then couldn't, then wouldn't, and then very nearly did have.
For a fair few reasons - a very sick parent, redundancy, an operation that put DP out of action for months, a house that isn't big enough - we haven't chosen to try again since our loss. And a massive reason for me is DS emphatically not wanting a sibling; he really likes being an only, and says he doesn't want to share me with a little person who needs an awful lot of my time and energy (not in a brattish way - he isn't like that; he's just matter-of-fact about it - pretty tuned to the reality of how it could be). I'd hate the arrival of another child to upset the bond between DS and me.
This weekend just gone marked a year on from losing my surprise pregnancy, and I found myself welling up all over the place (randomly seeing some baby sleeping bags in a shop had me in bits!), and reflecting on what might have been/what might be if we choose to try again. DP and I feel that we need to decide this year really if we're going to go for it with having another; it's now or never. He's nearly 10 years older than me and if he is to become a dad again, would want to do so sooner rather than later, which I understand and agree with. So we could try ... but we don't really have enough room for all of us as it is, and so a baby would have to be in our room with us indefinitely (until they left home?!).
After a hellish year last year, things are looking up a bit, and for the first time in my life, I have the opportunity to do a self-build - something I've wanted to do since I was a child, and something which DP is excited about too. We could throw ourselves at this, after which we'd have transformed our house into a lovely roomy home (big enough for all of us and another child) ... but it would be too late to have a baby by then. Or we could try to conceive now, and we'd then have to give up on (or at least postpone) the self-build opportunity, but although we wouldn't have enough room for him/her (or all the rest of us), we'd at least have that 'one more' child each of us have yearned for. And then there's DS and his not wanting a sibling, which plays on my mind a lot ...
So I suppose what I'm getting at is that I feel at a major crossroads, and I'm tying myself in knots thinking about my options, and their potential impacts on everyone, and I don't know what the hell to decide. I feel like I can't have a second child and the same lovely relationship I have with DS now and the home I've wanted to create for a long time (and which would actually be big enough for our big blended family - we do desperately need to expand our home, because it's putting us all under strain as it is). Everything feels mutually exclusive.
DS and I popped out this evening to go sledging until it was dark, and then to a pub for a hot chocolate. It was lovely, and he was great company. I couldn't just dash out like that with a baby; I know the reality is a baby would potentially hold us/DS back in lots of ways, for quite a few years - they can't help but monopolise time and energy. But I wonder if I'd regret not having another when I'm older, and I worry about DS being on his own in later life (his only cousins live overseas). DS would likely be nearer 10 when his sibling arrived (if he were to have one) - is that just too big an age gap?
Argh! I just don't know what to do. I know no one else can decide for me/us, but others' perspectives might help me see the situation in different ways and ultimately arrive at a decision.
Thanks for getting this far! - and for any advice you might have.
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Family planning
Tying myself in knots over whether to have a second child - it's now or never (long post)
LivingOnHoumous · 21/01/2013 23:58
I hope this doesn't sound flippant as you obviously have lots of things to consider but you definitely can overthinkthese some things and I think this is one of them. There is no right or wrong thing to do, there is no way to make this type of decision in an entirely rational way so the best thing is to not think about it and just do what you think is best.
Just do it! Make a decision and go for it - one way or another. If in future you have second thoughts, or even if you think you regret your decision don't beat yourself up about it. You made the best decision at the time and that is all you could do.
You can make lists, wiegh everything up and discuss it until the cows come home but you will still have to decide something so you might as well get on with it.
I hope you get some other views as I understand my views isn't going to suit everyone. It works for me though 
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thanks, DoodlesNoodles. Don't worry - your advice didn't seem flippant. It's one legitimate way to approach a dilemma like this.
I think (
) I could well be in danger of over-thinking this. Such a lot feels at stake though, and it's difficult to decide what's more important. Could it actually be possible to do both simultaneously?! Maybe I should ask on the Property board if anyone's taken on a big self-build project and had a baby at the same time and managed it and survived!
Thanks at least for making it seem less of a big deal somehow, whatever I decide.
Thank you so much SingingSands, OldLadyKnowsNothing and Ozfrazror for your positive posts. I felt almost like nipping off to bed with DP and getting on with it after reading them! 
It's a really good point about DS growing up and becoming more independent. I'm already seeing the signs of this. He has started early puberty, and is growing up so much. Already he seems to want to be playing football or gaming with friends more than anything - but still likes a good dose of Mum time every now and then, and snuggles at bedtime. I suppose I just want to be sure I'll still be available to him as he grows up. I want to be there for long chats about all sorts, like my mum was for me. Hopefully this would still be possible some of the time - and certainly after a much younger child has gone to bed.
I love the love-multiplies-not-divides line. That's lifted my spirits, and this might be helpful for reassuring DS, should we have to tell him he's going to have a sibling.
And I like the idea of focusing on the portability of a young baby. Maybe if we had another, say, next spring, for the first six months or so, it could just be carted/carried from building site to builders' merchants and back again, no food to bring along (just boobs!) ... or am I being over-optimistic here?! I guess a lot would depend on the baby's particular temperament - pretty much an unknown ...
Anyway, your posts have at least helped me to think more in terms of what might be possible and how we might be able to combine these two special wants in our lives, as opposed to feeling we need to choose between them. So thank you for that. :)
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