Double barrelled surnames

(47 Posts)
nappyaddict Wed 25-Apr-12 22:07:33

It's becoming a,bit of a deal bteaker between dp and I. I see it as joining 2 names and 2 families together which is what marriage is all about. Dp sees it as inventing a new surname, not carrying his nane on, breaking tradition and ruining history because if you look up other people with the same combined surname as us, we won't be related.

What are other peopke's opinions?

nappyaddict Wed 25-Apr-12 22:08:25

Sorry about spelling, on my phone!

difficultpickle Wed 25-Apr-12 22:08:53

Why don't you keep your name and he keep his?

LadySybilDeChocolate Wed 25-Apr-12 22:09:31

Why shouldn't you use both? What about your side of the family, do they not matter?

FirstLastEverything Wed 25-Apr-12 22:09:32

It didn't seem to bother Miss R and Mr S, when they double-barrelled back in 17 hundred and something. Actually, it made it easier to trace family history from that point onwards!
Having said that, it does bug me when people assume I was either Miss R or Miss S before marriage, when I actually married Mr R-S.

nappyaddict Wed 25-Apr-12 22:09:54

What happens when we have children though? It's the same debate all over again.

FirstLastEverything Wed 25-Apr-12 22:10:34

Girls have your name, boys his?

nappyaddict Wed 25-Apr-12 22:13:34

That seems complicated though and siblings should have the same name, shouldn't they if they have the same parents? I don't know any that don't.

AllPastYears Wed 25-Apr-12 22:25:13

"Dp sees it as inventing a new surname, not carrying his nane on, breaking tradition and ruining history"

Sod that! grin

We double-barrelled our kids' names. Who would carry my name on if we hadn't done that? grin My mum said, but then when people in the future look up the family history they'll find it difficult. I said, So "family history" really means the history of my husband, and his father (not his mother), his father's father (not his father's mother, or either of his mother's parents) etc. etc. Don't think so!

AllPastYears Wed 25-Apr-12 22:26:50

BTW we didn't double-barrel ourselves - I suggested this, but DH wasn't keen, so fair enough. And I'm pretty sure there is no-one else with the same surname as our kids. There are lots of people with the same surname as DH, and a few with the same surname as me, but we're not related to a great number of them...

bloomingfrazzled Wed 25-Apr-12 22:29:44

My children all have my maiden name as a middle name which I quite like as eldest ds was with ex and now I am married and have another ds and dd they also have it even though they have a different surname to eldest ds (complicated, I know)

nappyaddict Wed 25-Apr-12 22:30:31

So did you keep your own names?

Hassled Wed 25-Apr-12 22:33:55

We double-barrelled the DCs names and it did upset my father, who was very into his family history etc (as am I). But I see it that it doesn't make the DCs any less members of the respective family trees, the traditions are carried on but that the families are merged nicely. We know the fmaily history - it's recorded - and the children will never struggle to identify who's who, regardless of their hybrid names.

The only part that does bother me is what happens when Fred Jones-Smith and Jane Baker-Butcher have children.

Hassled Wed 25-Apr-12 22:34:12

Yes, kept my own surname.

nappyaddict Wed 25-Apr-12 22:40:13

Bloomingfrazzled did you keep your maiden name?

Springforward Wed 25-Apr-12 22:51:43

We did what Bloomingfrazzled did.

When we married I kept my maiden name, and intended to stay that way right up until I went on maternity leave to have DS. Then I had a proper panic about not having the same name as my child, as we were both happy for DS to take DH's surname.

I half-heartedly suggested double-barrelling our names, but it sounded clumsy and DH hated it, so that was that. (I'm quite glad about that now - I would have spent my life spelling it out to people over the phone.)

So - at 37 weeks pregnant I changed my name by Deed Poll, so keeping my original first and middle names, followed by my maiden name as a second middle name, then adopting DH's surname as my own.

When DS was born, he also took my maiden name as his middle name, then DH's surname as his. If we have any more, they'll do the same.

It's caused much less confusion than I thought it was going to, TBH. And, as there is only one boy in our branch of the family going by my maiden name, I saw it as a way to keep my own (fairly unusual) maiden name going.

If it wasn't for DH, I'd still be Ms Maidenname now - never felt the need to be my husband's wife, but I did feel the need to be my son's mother, IYSWIM.

BoffinMum Wed 25-Apr-12 22:53:56

FirstLast, same problem here!

RachelWalsh Wed 25-Apr-12 22:58:07

We double barrelled so we are ms and mr hisname-myname. My ds (dh is his step dad) is ds hisdadsname-myname.

I didn't want to just take DH's name because a)I wanted to still share a name with my ds and b)it just felt a bit sexist.

We have had some dealings with morons in banks who didn't believe it was 'possible' to do it that way and we would need a deed poll etc. actually we don't we just need the marriage certificate.

We didn't consider double barrelling as it would have been far too much of a mouthful, but I don't see anything wrong with it at all and if the names fit well together then it's great. I kept my own name, DCs have DH's surname.

I know two families where the wife has double barrelled her surname with her husbands, but he has kept his own surname only, and the children just have his surname (not sure if they have hers as middle name in either case), it's a bit best of both worlds for the woman, keeps her own name as well as being linked to DH and DCs, would that work for you?

frikinfabulous Wed 25-Apr-12 23:17:04

ive got a double barrelled surname cant say i like it much dts have dp surname and i cant wait to get married to change mine

Collaborate Wed 25-Apr-12 23:28:34

Whatever works for you both. Agree it, or don't marry. My DW has kept her surname. I was just so happy she agreed to marry a hopeless sod like me, though for some primeval reason I wanted our children to have my name. Her family name is carried on through her brother's children. If I didn't carry it on through ours it would be lost/diluted. A week or 2 before labour she said she wanted her name to be their middle names, and who was I to refuse the woman who had put herself through 9 months of pregnancy (!). Her side of the family though think that the kids have a double barrelled surname. I find it so damn rude that they can't get my children's names right.

Jux Wed 25-Apr-12 23:33:00

One of my (now rather ancient ) relatives insisted when she married that her h resurrect his full double-barreled surname. All the kids were double-barreled as a consequence. All except one, has dropped t and gone back to the simple form of surname which their dad had been using originally.

I have friends who d-b'ed on marriage, and then somehow or other the kids ended up triple-barreled. 'tis bloody ridiculous!

What does it really matter?

AllPastYears Thu 26-Apr-12 08:33:14

What matters is equality Jux. For many people, including me, your name is part of your identity. I didn't want to change my name to my husband's (why on earth should only I make a change on marriage, not him as well) and I don't like the model where the wife keeps her own name but the kids get their dad's name (unequal again).

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 08:46:06

We both double-barrelled on marriage- DH wanted to have the same surname as me and our future children (we have 2 now) and I felt uncomfortable giving up my name, as did he, so we simply joined them together. Has been met with a lot of hmm faces from people as I do not know one single other woman who has done this or just kept her own name.

I do hate having a double-barrelled name in terms of form filling and people getting confused (!) etc but to me, it's so important in terms of equality. But I do realise I seem to be in the minority there!

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 08:51:12

AllPastYears, I am honestly so confused when my friends who aren't married have a child and give them their father's name. Why not the mother's?! Also, my friend has recently got married to a man with a rather unfortunate surname who admits she will get a certain amount of ribbing for it as he does. Why not just keep her lovely surname?

whitewhitewine - you're not the only one - we doubled-barrelled on marriage (we're hisname-myname) and the DDs have that too. When/if they marry they can do whatever they like.

also, there was no official form filling in needed - we simply wrote to everyone and said "from x date, I wish to be known as Mr/Mrs X-Y". Passport agaency wanted to see the marriage certificate for my passport, but not for DHs oddly confused. This was back in the early 90s though, so I suspect there's more officialdom now.

Jux Thu 26-Apr-12 08:54:59

Allpastyears, and everyone else! You are right. I am foolish and apologise. I shouldn't post without thinking!

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 08:59:48

IShallWearMidnight, may I ask if it becomes a problem at school? (If your daughters are old enough) do teachers use the full name, has it caused any problems etc? (I struggle to fit my full name on some forms and our surname is only 3 syllables)

nappyaddict Thu 26-Apr-12 09:54:44

"I know two families where the wife has double barrelled her surname with her husbands, but he has kept his own surname only, and the children just have his surname (not sure if they have hers as middle name in either case), it's a bit best of both worlds for the woman, keeps her own name as well as being linked to DH and DCs, would that work for you?"

I have told DP if he really must he can keep his own surname but I would like our DCs to be double barrelled. If I must go through 9 months of pregnancy, give birth to them and then share bringing them up with DP why can't they share our names?

I would prefer us to all have the same name though.

Collaborate Would you have agreed for your DC to have a double barrelled name. So they would be carrying on both your names? Or would you see that as diluting your name?

I'd like to get a man's perspective cos I just cannot get my head around DP's way of thinking. He just doesn't see it like I do. I see it as 2 names being combined, sitting next to eachother nicely. He sees it as his name or my name with extra letters either before or after it, making it a completely different name. I said it's not just random, meaningless extra letters before or after it though, is it? It's a whole name, one of our names!!

whitewhitewine - no issues with school, other than the names are quite long (13 letters plus the hyphen in the surname). Occasionally the second part gets chopped off on lists, but everyone knows what the actual name is, and that's what gets used.

Only school problem I can think of is that name tapes don't have enough letters for the full name, but as all the DDs have unusual first names (I'm potentially outing myself here wink) I just used their first names. Some of DDs things still have DD1s name in them wink - thankfully school secretaries are great at handing lost property over to whichever DD it fits.

Sometimes I have a problem when people aren't sure which initial to file notes under (my optician had a receptionist who put me under Y rather than X) and I've found the Argos tills can't cope with hyphens. Generally though it's not been a problem, just a lot of spelling out to do.

CMOTDibbler Thu 26-Apr-12 11:41:32

We each kept our own names, and double barrelled for ds. DH says that he didn't want to change his name, would never ask me to, and anybody doing family history can just try a bit harder grin. And ds and anyone he enters into a partnership with can decide for themselves

DS(5) loves that he has a name from each of us, just as he's made from each of us

welliesandpyjamas Thu 26-Apr-12 11:45:54

I double barrelled when we got married (maiden name-married name) because I felt my maiden name was very much a part of me, and felt it honoured my grandfather, who had died the year before. My dc have my maiden name as a middle name, to make sure they know where they come from, iykwim. It's not too much of a mouthful because both names are single syllable, but sometimes I do find it easier to use just one or the other, especially over the phone, to avoid spelling the whole lot out (both need spelling).

As an aside, because the thread made me think of it - I know of a German-Bosnian couple, living in Germany, who decided to give their daughter the mother's German surname only because they felt that the dad's very foreign sounding name sould hold her back in life. What a sad reason for the choice, eh?

Ephiny Thu 26-Apr-12 11:49:42

His argument makes no sense. There are lots of people who have the same surname without being related to each other, regardless of whether they're double-barrelled or not. Surnames don't usually have a unique origin.

Personally I think it's simplest to both just keep your own names, that's what we're planning to do anyway. As for children, DP is happy for them to have mine if I want, though I don't really have strong feelings about it either way. I guess we'll decide nearer the time!

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes Thu 26-Apr-12 12:00:18

I am determined to pass my name onto our future (please!) children , but mine and Dp's names double barrelled sounds much like 'Wanker' one way and extremely odd the other...

So I've resigned myself to the fact that any children will have my much-loved surname as a second middle name.

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 12:47:58

I had thought that with regards to school labels, but glad it isn'yt too much of an issue!

OP I hope you manage to come to get this sorted. Would you keep your own name if he refuses to budge? Tell him any future children (if that's in your plans) would therefore be having your name and see what he thinks of that!

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 12:50:30

grin at 'sounds like wanker' by the way! Luckily ours go well together but it does mean I come up very easily in Google as there is only one other family I can see on the internet with our name (on the other side of the world) and I'm the only one on facebook so easily found!

PiousPrat Thu 26-Apr-12 14:26:49

We double barrelled DS3s name. DS1&2 have XP's surname. It worked out best for us this way. Both DP and I have normal sounding names that aren't actually that common and we are both end of the line for our families wrt passing the name on. My dad died after DS2 was born and FIL died 2 weeks before we found out I was pregnant with DS3, so it was also a way of keeping them with us in the surnames.

The idea was that DP and I would change our names by deed poll as well so we share a family surname, but DS3 is 8 months now and we kind of haven't got around to it yet.

nappyaddict Thu 26-Apr-12 16:59:25

"Tell him any future children (if that's in your plans) would therefore be having your name and see what he thinks of that!"

Why would future children automatically get my surname?

welliesandpyjamas Why did you and DP double barrel but not the DC? Are DC known by your maiden name and married name or just your married name?

Well my surname became double barrelled in the 1600s, and it hasn't stopped us tracing back family before it became double barelled, family history can still be recorded. Especially in today's age of record keeping.

Silly argument really, the history one. We even know how our name came to be double barrelled, and it wasn't because of two surnames coming together as one!

DS is double barreled. I'm Miss A, X-DP id Mr B C (spanish way) and DS is Master B-A. (non spanish was as not married). Incidentally his step-mum is Mrs B C so he shares some of his name with her.

It matters not a jot. His name ties him to both me and his father.

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 17:25:59

'Why would future children automatically get my surname?'

well, why would they get his? Isn't that your point, that he doesn't want a family name, just his??

whitewhitewine Thu 26-Apr-12 17:27:10

By family name I mean joining your names together like you said you wanted, instead of just taking his.

nappyaddict Thu 26-Apr-12 17:40:47

Yes I want a combined name. Sorry I thought you were saying that if I kept my maiden name, any future children would automatically get my name and I was confused cos it doesn't work like that does it - the parents decide.

nappyaddict Thu 26-Apr-12 17:42:55

overmydeadbody How did it become to be double-barrelled? Over generations have the wives always dropped their maiden name and taken on the double-barrelled one or have any combined their maiden name with part of the double-barrelled name iyswim?

AllPastYears Thu 26-Apr-12 20:25:20

Being double-barrelled is great for school labels. Our kids are the only ones with their surname, so we just had a surname and didn't need to swap the labels over as the kids grew and passed clothes down to each other. smile

nappyaddict Tue 04-Sep-12 09:08:21

I have an update.

Dp has compromised and said he doesn't mind if ds and I double barrel but he wants to keep his name and he wants any future children we have together to have his name.

Is that progress? I can't decide.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now