Helpful hints for houseguests:

(338 Posts)
lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:05:25

1) Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2) If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3) Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4) Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5) If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6) Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7) Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8) If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9) If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10) Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.


SiamoFottuti Mon 29-Aug-11 13:07:31

guests are like fish, after 3 days they start to stink and should be thrown out.

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:10:40

Yep, well we've done 3 nights and 4 days and they've finally gone. Woooohooo!

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:21:42

Oooh - thought of another:

11) If you consider the area that your host lives in as 'a bit rough', don't go on about it. Better still, don't mention it at all.

FabbyChic Mon 29-Aug-11 13:22:19

Don't leave skiddies down the toilet the brush and bleach is there for a reason.

NatashaBee Mon 29-Aug-11 13:27:33

Don't bother asking 'is there anything I can do to help?' if, every time your host asks you to do something you just answer 'no, I don't really feel like doing that, I think I'll pass'. Don't send me a text saying 'get more milk' when I'm upstairs trying to sleep after being up all night with a week old baby and you're sitting downstairs in the kitchen. Don't pass out on my sofa every night when I spent half of my labour making up the spare room for you!
That will do for a start, I'm sure there's more to come.

NatashaBee Mon 29-Aug-11 13:30:11

Oh, and if you plan on coming to stay with me, please let ME know about it. Don't just announce on facebook that you're off to visit your daughter for 5 weeks.

TapTapTapPenny Mon 29-Aug-11 13:34:20

When will you be going to stay with this person, and can you time it for when you all have chicken pox/diarrhoea/lassa fever?

FoxyRevenger Mon 29-Aug-11 13:38:07

1) When you're offered a shower in the morning, take it. I don't want you hanging around in my house stinking of last night's hangover.

2) Know when to LEAVE. We have had to resort to making up stuff we need to do so that some of our friends leave. Otherwise they have been known to still be sitting on my couch at 10pm on a Sunday night when I've got to be up at 6 for work. angry

3) If you have a chest infection, don't sit next to your pregnant friend coughing your guts up all day. Go home instead of giving it to her when she can't take anything to feel better.

These are all for the same 'friends'

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:42:24

Fabby - it's funny you say that. DS commented this morning that '[houseguest's-name] has very dark brown poo'.

ShatnersBassoon Mon 29-Aug-11 13:43:57

Helpful hint for hosts: if you don't want to find guest's pubes on your soap, don't expect them to wash with a communal bar.

I agree with the other points, but would definitely leave a hirsute tablet of Imperial Leather in the soap dish if I thought it might force the rest of the people in the house to stop rubbing it all over their bodies.

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:47:41

I think there should be a separate sub-section of the handy-hints manual for the utterly self absorbed bastard house guests of pregnant/recently un-pregnant hosts. Probably starting with: If you are 'here to help out', then BLOODY WELL HELP!

1) Don't impart advice about child rearing when you have no children yourself and KNOW that the child in question has mental health problems.

2) Don't hide mugs and glasses all over the house - please rinse and use again or put them in the dishwasher.

3) Bear in mind that the host has no washing facilities and don't use all the towels in the house.

4) Try interacting with the hosts dcs if you can't cook for her or set the table or do the dishes or walk the dog...

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 13:56:54

Hmmm - fair point about the soap. Maybe. Although I wasn't exactly 'expecting' them to use it. Can't say I use the soap on the side of people's baths when I go to visit, but nor do I expect to be provided with my own personal one.

That's what wash-bags are for aren't they? So you can bring your own wash stuff. If you want individually wrapped complimentary guest-toiletries then surely you need to fork out for a hotel?


I like this thread.

1) If your host has a loo that's been functioning fine until you got there, chances are it's still fine. Do not say 'I wasn't sure how to flush your loo, can you do it'. (Thanks Mum and Dad, it's that handle job. Right where teh handle is on yours.)

2) If the place you're staying in is much smaller than yours, do not comment on how every single thing in it is also smaller. There is a reason why that is so.

3) Do not expect your house rules to apply here. Yes, maybe you don't get up until 11 on Sundays, but do not expect your hosts to know this by telepathy.

4) Don't wander around the house looking in closed drawers and reading mail!!! Especially if it's bank statements.

coastgirl Mon 29-Aug-11 14:06:57

FIL uses my Lush soap that is for hand-washing (i.e. next to the basin) in the shower. I find this deeply gross (and it uses it up really fast! That stuff's expensive). Bring shower gel or use one of the 135 bottles of shower gel we have next to the shower.

coast - my dad nicks my washing-up liquid to do his hair with. I'd rather he used soap! confused

Just thought of another one: do not rearrange my toiletries into patterns/rows by size. I can't say why this is so annoying but it fucking is.

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 14:15:42

LRD Ha! Know about the 'small' thing. DH's posher-than-the-Queen (but otherwise absolutely lovely grandmother) stayed once and commented "Oh, isn't it terribly clever how you manage in such a small space. Rather like a caravan, or a boat or something. Isn't it fun!"

Yes. Terribly fun. The fun we have. hmm

bertha - oh, god, yes! That's exactly it ... the 'fun' comments. My parents enjoy telling me that 'once you have children, you will have to move out of there' ... because apparently no-one In The World has ever had a baby in a flat/terraced house and the world would implode if my neighbours had to hear the screams. hmm

WuzzAndBuddy Mon 29-Aug-11 14:21:03

Ooooh, this is a great thread!

Do Not take charge of the remote control in hosts house for the full 3 days and watch only ITV3 at max volume, leaving no chance for the host to reclaim the tv remote because you haven't moved your arse off the sofa and your grip from the remote since you arrived. Its rude.

Do Not moan about having to sleep on the 'bloody airbed' knowing the host spent £200 on said airbed especially for you so you didn't have to sleep on the perfectly adequate but 'too low' £80 airbed previously used... its rude.

Do Not tell host 'amusing anecdote' about how much DP sweats in the night and thats why he has to sleep naked in their living room and walk upstairs to the bathroom without even putting on a dressing gown... Its disgusting and rude.

Ahh.... that feels better!

Good thread OP.

Seriously, people open bread in the middle of the bag? I've never heard of this. It's making me quite cross thinking about it.

RedHotPokers Mon 29-Aug-11 14:35:10

Agree with loads of the above:

1. Don't claim repeatedly that you think things are broken just because you are incapable of using anything but your own things. e.g. ' RHP I think your shower is broken, it just won't work?' 'RHP, your taps don't seem to turn off properly'.

2. On the same note, don't just leave things that you are too dense to work out: e.g. 'RHP I couldn't close your front door properly, so I've just left it open.' GAH!

3. Don't bring ALL YOUR OWN THINGS with you and then spread them all over the house, because you are very particular about your own cushion/teabags/cutlery (I shit you not!). If you are that particular, stay at home!

4. Don't wait until the DCs are running around naked (including nappy wearing DS) to announce that you'd both like to use the (only) bathroom before the kids go in there for their bath!

5. Don't be ridiculously noisy getting up to use the toilet at 5.30am, waking up all the DCs, whilst you go back to sleep for another 3 hours, and we don't.

SinicalSal Mon 29-Aug-11 14:41:27

Don't manfully and with deep sighs 'politely' twiddle some exotic spaghetti around your plate, and later apropos of nothing steer the conversation round to proper dinners made with proper potatoes.
Eat the fucking bolognaise. And say thanks.

DocDuck Mon 29-Aug-11 14:42:00

Oh, Good Lord! Do NOT, please, arrange to fly over to see your new grandchild less than three weeks after his due date. As I tried to explain a number of times over the 'phone, he MAY arrive late, and as you are planning on being waited on hand and foot your presence two days after mother and child return from hospital will not be appreciated.

Nor will deciding that the sole reason newborn babies cry is wind and proceeding to burp the baby continuously for two hours, triumphantly crying 'see' every time the poor mite obligingly emits gas :-(

startail Mon 29-Aug-11 14:48:26

Do not complain about the spare bed. It's enough of a pain having a bed in the study instead of storage space I really need.
I know it's a bit hard because it's the sort with a trundle under it, BUT the DDs friends use that a lot more often than you come to stay.

IwoulddoPachacuti Mon 29-Aug-11 14:48:40

Please learn how to lock the front door properly. This is particularly useful when you come staggering home drunk at 2am and wake the entire household in your attempt to do so. Then, once you and your partner finally get to bed, please do not shag loudly so that everyone can hear you. Especially when the pair of you are sleeping in my bed and I am having to sleep on the couch directly in the room beneath you angry

SinicalSal Mon 29-Aug-11 14:50:11

Urgh IwoulddoPachacuti

missorinoco Mon 29-Aug-11 14:51:24

Do not sit down at the table whilst your host runs around after her small children and announce what you would like for breakfast.

Do not make comments such as "Your house used to be so tidy before you have children," it doesn't help, however true it is.

Agree with you'll need to move when/isn't it small/locking the front door, though as this is the third house I've lived in where the front door is apparently a problem I'm clearly picking bad houses...

Can I also add:

Don't press every button on every remote to try and get the TV to work. The TV is identical to yours. Completely, down to the positioning of the on and off button. Pressing remotes leads to the TV playing through the DVD player which is why it is dropping out every sixty seconds. Telling me that you don't know how to work the TV is bullshit.

As is asking for a cup of tea as if you don't know where I keep things, when you're perfectly capable of making it yourself and, in fact, have clearly made yourself several cups while I've been at work (and on one occasion invited someone else here to drink tea who I had never met)

grin at 'proper dinners made with proper potatoes'.

On the same note, if I tell you what I'm making for dinner, and it's a healthy balanced meal containing carbohydrates in some form, do not wait until it's on the table to say 'shall we have some bread with that then?' and be offended I don't have any in the house right now.

In fact, if there's something your hosts don't regularly keep in, that you consider to be a staple, you can only get pissed off if that item is loo roll. Otherwise, you will survive without it. And you will not get a good reaction for suggesting they are too poor to buy it.

DevotionAndDesire Mon 29-Aug-11 15:27:04

I LOVE this thread!!

• Do not automatically assume that you are welcome/we don't have plans.
Turning up unannounced and then repeatedly drop HEAVY hints that you have plans but nowhere to stay tonight until we say you can stay, when you have an over night bag ready in the car is very annoying.
It is especially annoying/rude to do it often.

• If you invite yourself to stay don't demand to be fed, go out 15 minutes after dinner, then fall in drunk at 3am with a random guy/friend with the intention to carry on drinking.
Especially if you intend to drink our alcohol and stay up talking all night.

• When your host goes to the effort of cooking a full Sunday roast at your request ( Inc a chicken when she and DS dont eat meat) don't complain that it's not how you like it/you are too hungover to eat it/you would rather go to the pub and will eat it later. It will make the host want to hit you in the face with the frigging chicken!

CeliaFate Mon 29-Aug-11 19:17:52

I can't believe people can be so rude! I've been very lucky with my houseguests, clearly! grin

I second the remote control rule - do not complain when your host asks to watch one specific programme during your reign of the remote control, talk continually through it, then complain that that is half an hour of your life you won't get back at the end of it. Go and do something helpful if you don't want to watch the programme, like tidy up the 11 mugs and glasses you have left all over the host's house shock

Takver Mon 29-Aug-11 19:38:34

Don't assume that your hosts' dd will pass on messages given to her . . .

(absolutely lovely guests, but we did wonder if they'd been abducted by aliens - until dd remembered some considerable time later that they'd said they were going out for a walk and asked her to give us the message!)

OriginalPoster Mon 29-Aug-11 19:38:53

If you are looking for an everyday item in the kitchen, ask where it is. Don't randomly open cupboards, or say 'have you got a mug?'. Yes i've got a mug, do you want to know where I keep them?' it's like 'have you got a toilet' 'oh, shit, I keep meaning to get one, but it keeps slipping my mind' . Say after me 'where is your loo?'

That's better grin

Empusa Mon 29-Aug-11 19:40:49

- Do not turn up 5 hours late and expect your hosts to have waited to eat all that time.

- Do not go through other people's medication.

- Do not attempt to take apart your hosts electronic equipment and void the warranty.

- Do not refuse to plan how you are getting home, and then moan when the hosts cannot magically get you home.

lovelybertha Mon 29-Aug-11 19:44:33


"Is that ...<insert item of food>.. going begging" is not a polite way to ask for something.

In all honesty, nothing is 'begging' to be consumed by you.

thejoanwilder Mon 29-Aug-11 19:45:49

Please do not tell us you will be arriving at tea-time and then call at 9am to say you are nearby and would it be a problem to come round now. Yes it is a fucking problem, we had plans. Twat!

BedHog Mon 29-Aug-11 19:53:34

If you know your feet smell so bad that the whole household will be retching as soon as you remove your shoes, please bring some sort of foot spray or deodorant, or better still a stout pair of slippers, and ensure nobody has to endure your pungent trotters.

Don't sit on the only toilet for an hour when your daughter has just returned from hospital after giving birth. And replace the toilet roll when it has run out.

If you are so drunk that you urinate on the sofa, please ensure all saturated cushions are taken to a professional cleaner the following day to be restored to their original freshness.

If you know your asthmatic housemate has an important exam the following morning, please don't invite all your strange Norwegian friends round when the clubs close at 2am, and proceed to have a loud jamming session with out-of-tune guitar and bongo drums, while fag and hash smoke drift up to her bedroom.

DevotionAndDesire Mon 29-Aug-11 19:55:01

Lovely I compleatly agree, that statement drives my mad.

CeliaFate Mon 29-Aug-11 19:57:04

Bedhog shock they would never be invited to my house again!

Don't expect to wee in the garden. And don't walk around the house naked at night.

Catsdontcare Mon 29-Aug-11 19:59:19

I second the remote contoll thing, have just spent hours trying to figure out WTF my houseguest had done to our TV (they had managed to press something that rendered all buttons on the remote and tv itself defunc)

No myself and the dc's do not want to watch bride of chucky after sunday lunch, but thanks ever so for bringing it - how thoughtfull

If you spend 20 minutes in the shower I will run the hot tap in the hopes that freezing water will get you out

Oh and don't turn the fucking music up so loudly that it can be heard in the next town. Repeatedly, despite being asked not to. I have to live next to these people for the forseeable future, and it'd be nice if they didn't think I was an antisocial wanker.
Don't then throw a childish strop when the plugboard for the stereo disappears as if by magic.

BedHog Mon 29-Aug-11 20:00:08

4 different guests, Celia! smile

Bearcrumble Mon 29-Aug-11 20:02:10

Don't start drinking/smoking at 11am and insist that everyone watch your DVD of the Unmasking of Kendo Nagasaki umpteen times. Don't tell your hosts that they live 'in a shit'ole'. Don't file the skin off your parmesan-esque dry heels in the living room.

MrsCog Mon 29-Aug-11 20:02:45

I have just read this thread with trepidation as I am a very nervous and shy house guest as I would hate to do anything rude, however, I am relieved not to have fallen foul of any of the above!

Although, what should a house guest do if they can't turn the tap off/get the door to lock/get the shower to work properly etc. Lots of houses have 'quirks' should you mention it straight away - that's what I'd do.... is that wrong? (Above it was implied that it was just unacceptable for this to happen!)

notlettingthefearshow Mon 29-Aug-11 20:04:47

Who ARE these frightful guests who visit? I'm obviously missing out by only inviting close friends and family to stay.

OriginalPoster Mon 29-Aug-11 20:05:58

Don't spray Lynx. It is deadly to us asthmatics, and it smells like fly spray

therugratref Mon 29-Aug-11 20:06:53

Oh my god, people actually behave like this in other peoples homes!
I have been very lucky

MrsCog I would imagine asking for instructions how to do whatever is not working for you, rather than assuming the item was broken, would be fine. It would all be in the wording I think.

Do not say to your hosts 'you've been cooking all week, let's go out for lunch today' and then expect your hosts to pay hmm especially when you have had three courses and wine and I've only had soup and a roll. <double hmm >

Haha. We now conveniently have too many DCs and not enough room for anybody to stay. Shame. If we get a bigger house, we're both determined that there Will Not Be a spare bedroom. No way.

HeavyHeidi Mon 29-Aug-11 20:11:09

Don't say that you would also love to have dogs, but you don't want your house to smell like mine. Especially if mine is sparkling clean and definitely not smelly and yours would terrify even Kim and Aggie. A whiff of Eau de Dog would only be an improvement!

in the named household with dogs - if you're there alone, don't be helpful if this means taking the garbage bag out and leaving it open in the middle of the kitchen before you leave.

if I say that sure you can use the computer, I certainly didn't mean that this includes personal emails. Especially if you are planning to discuss them in public later.

MrsCog - the trick is to say 'would you mind helping me because I can't work X' and then listen to the reply. By all means ask for it to be repeated, and then try it yourself, but then do not come back every time for a week and ask the same thing 'how do I flush to loo' (you press the button) 'oh right thanks'. <ten minutes pass> 'umm how do I flush to um loo' (Gah!)

Originalposter - it's not just Lynx. My MiL frankly marinates in perfume and it makes the entire house stink. It's really choking. Horrid. I don't know if she has no sense of smell or what but it's just too much. She doesn't do it at home though - I think she must not like the smell of our house hmm

<house smells like most houses with small children in - sort of biscuits with top notes of laundry (unless DS has had a poonami recently).>

MrsCog - I tend to say if there are quirks, but not being able to flush a loo without guidance is honestly a bit odd. You pull the handle. If the handle doesn't work, fine, ask. But don't assume it'll be different from the toilet in your own home ... no-one has yet been sufficiently interested in toilets to design one that required a user manual.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Mon 29-Aug-11 20:22:12

Don't demand that your host keeps pets out of your room. Ask.

Don't put used towels back in the cupboard. Use the laundry basket.

Don't tell you host to stop the baby from crying. She's doing her best.

Don't complain about the rain. Yes, I know the British also complain about the rain but we complain with resigned and self-deprecating humour rather than abject despair. You'll be back in your nice warm, dry place soon.

If you'd like the heating on, ask. You don't need to appear downstairs in a polar fleece and gloves to make the point.

Never talk about the host in front of her in a language she doesn't speak. It's not only rude, she might understand more than you think...

BlingLoving Mon 29-Aug-11 20:23:01

Do not invite your friends over to your hosts' house. Without telling them. Particularly when they have a 8 week old colicky baby and your friend has been invited round for 9. Do not act surprised when your hosts go crazy or use phrases like , "but they are coming to visit me. It does not impact you."

MrsCog Mon 29-Aug-11 20:24:49

Yes ok - thankfully it hasn't happened to me with the loo - it's normally taps I can't struggle with! I am getting better at not being so painfully shy in other people's houses! It was when DH pointed out that it could be rude that I pulled myself together! I seriously can't believe some of the stuff on here though - I am seriously lucky with the houseguests that come over!!

umf Mon 29-Aug-11 20:25:28

Now I feel really bad for every time I've been even slightly irritated with a house guest. Who are these people??

BlingLoving Mon 29-Aug-11 20:26:12

However, I would like to also boast about one friend and her dh who came to stay - I walked in after a long hard day at work. The lawn had been mowed blush, dinner was ready and a glass of ice cold wine was placed in my hand within 20 seconds!! I love them!

In my case, my parents, umf. Aren't family the worst houseguests?!

<boak> at the ones leaving poo stains/walking around naked though!

umf Mon 29-Aug-11 20:27:06

Oh, actually, I've thought of one. Don't wince and move your PFB 1 year old ("It upsets him") every time your host's baby cries.

MrsCog - I urge you to be positive, everyone loves the houseguest who is willing to engage and be happy and hopeful about everything. The houseguest who says thank you and please and is actually grateful for having been providing with a bed and a cuppa is delightful. It's the gitwizards who just smarm or snipe constantly or just don't plain say anything that are annoying.

umf Mon 29-Aug-11 20:28:29

Bling, can we have them too? Maybe on some sort of rotation? They'd save a fortune on their housing.

When there are SEVEN adults here for the weekend and only one of me, I really, really do mean it when I say 'please help yourself to tea/coffee/drinks. The cups and mugs are here, the drinks are all here'

I do not want to wait until I am parched and put the kettle on only for everyone to leap forward excitedly and say 'ooh are you making tea?'

grin (a very small gripe - my friends were lovely and all the women helped loads. The blokes on the other hand sat on their arses all weekend but that's a different matter)

JobCarHouseNoBaby Mon 29-Aug-11 21:06:14

Don't make a big fuss when arriving and vacating your vehicle to ensure that your DH puts "all the valuables away out of sight because this is a crime ridden area". Particularly in the street in front of my neighbours.

Don't hog the tv remote and then proceed to sit on MY laptop playing sudoku.

Don't moan about the spare bed -it was YOUR old bed which you passed onto me! You slept in it for 10 years and thought it was fine!

(Can you tell my rules are mainly directed at my mother)

MrsCog there is nothing wrong with my front door (or my fridge door come to that, which she also leaves open for entire days, usually when she's left the country) and she also used to leave my front door open when I lived in a particularly rubbish estate in Edinburgh. I once walked in, through the entire house, shouted her and had made a cup of tea before she realised anyone was in the house. I'm not being overdramatic when I say that that was plenty of time for the local colour to walk in and remove any electrical equipment that was lying around as it happened to our neighbour!

Agreed, if there is a quirk or fault with doors/toilet flushes then point them out to guests, but this particular guest is just a pain!

Can I add another one? Don't expect your hosts to move their car off the drive so you can park your precious penis extension directly in front of the house in case someone wants to steal it. Nobody wants to steal it. And if they did putting it in front of the house, outside the bay window which has floor legnth lined curtains isn't really going to help is it?

Mummalish Mon 29-Aug-11 22:09:24

When I am a guest in your house, and behaving perfectly well, by washing up, cooking meals etc, please try and look a little happier. You invited me to stay, and you're making me feel uncomfortable. I would much rather be at home anyway.

When you come to stay with us, try and be a little happier too. Your vibes are infectious, I don't care how stressed you are. We're all stressed. You make me feel like I can't relax in my own home.

DoubleDegreeStudent Mon 29-Aug-11 22:17:37

Don't comment that your host has bought "really nice smelling fancy soap for the loo, not like the squidgy bottle stuff everyone else has" when I've accidentally left my nice (fairly expensive) facewash bar in the bathroom on the sink NEXT TO THE BOTTLE OF CAREX. I had to throw it out...

BibiBlocksberg Mon 29-Aug-11 22:23:40

Crying here at Pungent Trotters and Parmesan-esque shavings <eeww>

Some of mine:

Do not tell the host she is a 'fusspot' and rolling your eyes when she tries to establish sleeping preferences\sort out other common courtesies.

Do not bring two bottles of wine as a 'gift' then proceed to drink them yourself.

Do not insist your 4 year old child be driven to the local beach after a 7 hour drive especially when he/she hasn't eaten since 7am and it's now 4.30pm. Then proceed to moan that dinner is taking so long LO will be asleep before it's ready. The host does not have children but even she could see that was a daft plan angry

Do not phone when you're half an hour away from your hosts house and breezily announce you have the neighbours child with you as well as your own and it will be 'fine' she'll sleep anywhere. Then get the arse when said host tells you she would have liked more notice of an extra arrival.

Do not hammer on my door at 4.30 am because you got upset at a party and your husband 'doesn't care' - then proceed to force me to listen to you screeching and wailing for two hours before even saying good morning.

That was very therapeutic smile

rumpleteaser Mon 29-Aug-11 22:27:46

when visiting for a wedding don't leave it until 10mins before the bride and her entourage are leaving the house to have a bath and then break the door handle.
You will either miss the wedding and spend the day locked in the bathroom or face the embarrassment of having half the street trying to bust you out.

Also, don't ruin the brides hen night by drinking too much and puking all over the restaurant.

Do not criticise the way your host looks after their child.

Do not have the cheek to ask your host to lend you money after having not spent ONE penny the whole time you stayed in their home, almost ruined their wedding and deeply offended them.

StillinMyPJs Mon 29-Aug-11 22:40:04

If your hosts suggest that as you have travelled so far to see them that you might like to extend your stay, do not rebook your flights for the day that your visa expires. Three whole months with four adults and a baby in a tiny house is not good for anybody.

Also do not imply to my mother while I am in hearing distance that the reason you have extended your stay is because 'they can barely cope'. That was 2.5 years ago and it still rankles today.

We have now moved to an even smaller house where guests have to sleep in the lounge so hopefully there will be no more long term guests.

beanandspud Mon 29-Aug-11 23:02:58

Please don't walk in and immediately ask for the password for my wi-fi so that you can 'check in' on Facebook. I haven't seen you for a year - I was rather hoping that you might sit down and have a chat and a glass of wine first?

LineRunner Mon 29-Aug-11 23:06:43

Don't remark to the host on more than one occasion that you think there is a larger number of people than usual with deformities in the neighbourhood.

[Cheers for that one, Mother.]

AnyFuleKno Mon 29-Aug-11 23:22:27

Something I did as a bad guest!

Don't say you'll arrive at 2pm after a 4 hour journey, make such a hames of the journey that you finally end up arriving at 9pm. On a Sunday.

When your hosts give you a thank you card for a present you gave them recently, don't put it in your back pocket, accidentally drop it down the toilet, and then attempt to flush it away (thanks DH, that made a great impression)

When hosting a dinner and someone finds a tiny hair on their plate, don't leap across the table to apprehend it, shouting 'don't worry, it's not a pube!' (dh again)

LikeACandleButNotQuite Tue 30-Aug-11 01:06:10

Don't choose the times when your host is in the shower to suddenly decide to do the dishes - better you didn't do them at all, rather than the alternating ice cold / scalding water treat you will give them. Especially when shower room is adjacent to the kitchen- you can hear it running, plonker.

Planetofthegrapes Tue 30-Aug-11 02:36:55

Don't have 45 minute showers (DSIL), or fill the bath with so much hot that the hot water turns cold (DSis), and drain the hot water tank, so that everyone else has to wait an hour for their wash.

If you are staying for 3 weeks, DSIL, it would be nice if you could at least put the things away in the dish washer once, or even say thank you for a vegetarian meal each evening...and I did not appreciate that you asked that I go and purchase objects to make gingerbread-men with your DN (after the supermarket-run), demand that I make the dough, you have all the fun of cutting out the gingerbread-men and then leave the mess for me to clear up and then say that you can make superior dough yourself...grrrr

BuntyPenfold Tue 30-Aug-11 03:43:20

Do not reject all the spare bedding in the house because it is not made of organic fibres. It is of no avail as oddly enough there are no all-night natural-fibre-bedding-shops open in this small moorland village. Strange as that may seem.
You can go and shear a bloody sheep if you want an organic duvet. hth

3littlefrogs Tue 30-Aug-11 05:14:43

grin "organic duvet" grin. Now I've heard everything!

cherrysodalover Tue 30-Aug-11 06:11:34

1 Wash the dishes.Don't wait to be asked.
2Don't turn up the day after your host gets back from holiday.
3Don't ask "what time is dinner served?" each morning you leave to go sight seeing.
4 Give your host a night off if you are there more than 4 nights- like allow them to have the space to themselves without having to make conversation with you.
5 Don't brag about how much your property is worth.
6Don't be cheap
7Don't make personal remarks to your host about their house or any of their domestic rituals.
8 Get a gift.
9Don't invite yourself without specifying it will be more than the acceptable couple of nights for non close people.
10 Don't think anyone but close friends/family really want you in their home for more than a few nights just so you can save money on hotels, unless you are absolutely lovely and the lovely people just don't impose themselves in that way.

If you don't follow all of above do not just assume you will be able to come back to stay again.You will not be welcome.

saffronwblue Tue 30-Aug-11 06:17:30

Don't sit in the kitchen making loud important work phone calls and glaring at my DC's who have just got home from school and are telling me about their day. We know you have a fancy job. Why not go into another room and shut the door?

Piggles Tue 30-Aug-11 06:36:33

Please try to behave as if you are pleased to see your hosts, dumping your belongings in the guest room and then fucking off out to local attractions makes us feel like a hotel.

If your hostess says: "Is X okay for dinner?" it is intelligent to tell her at the time of asking that you don't like it rather than sitting down at the table with the air of a martyr and then poking it about and complaining with every mouthful that you don't like it. When your hostess (in a desperate attempt to stop the flow of whine) offers to get you something else just say yes and let her fix you something rather than saying "no, no, couldn't put you to the trouble," and then carry on complaining.

If you drink all your host's booze then offer to replace it. Do not say meaningfully: "We've run out of wine you know." We have not run out of wine you slimy twatwaffle, you drank it all you utter bastard angry

If you don't like cats don't come and stay with me. I will not shut them outside for the duration of your visit just because you find cats 'creepy' - they live here, you don't, now off you fuck.

If you ask to go grocery shopping with your hostess, and go round piling beer, magazines and costly snacks into the trolley it is really, really rude to not offer to pay for any of it when you get to the check out.

If the house has two bathrooms - one regular and one en-suite off your host's bedroom, it is rude to 'nip in' without asking to use your host's admittedly oversized bathtub with jets when there is a perfectly good shower and bath tub available in the normal bathroom. Your host does not appreciate not being able to get into his own bathroom to take his medication and your hostess will be seriously peeved to later discover that you used loads of her products while you were in there.

I have now developed a tendency to be unavailable for booking when any of the above make noises about coming to visit us wink

SonicMiddleAge Tue 30-Aug-11 06:50:53

If you ask to borrow my pc to check your emails don't click on stupid links and kill my pc with a virus.
Spending a day of your holiday re-arranging my (admittedly somewhat disorganised) garage is just wierd
If we have cooked dinner for you every night, when we go upstairs to put the dcs to bed, it would be nice if you maybe used some of that time to clear the table
Please don't smoke on my front veranda, and leave a beer bottle with the butts by the door. It makes us look like bogans, and also the girls try and play with the cigarette infused glass bottle in the morning.

LynetteScavo Tue 30-Aug-11 07:59:44

If your hosts have stair gates, please close them after you. They are there for a reason.

Mibby Tue 30-Aug-11 08:46:29

Letting the baby play with, and drink from, your can of cider because you think its cute will not endear you to your hosts. Neither will calling me 'precious' when I take it off her

LynetteScavo Tue 30-Aug-11 09:01:24

If you are potty training your toddler, please do not leave their full potty in the living room/hall anywhere you fancy.

Especially if your host has a crawling baby who is likely to pour the contents over themselves.

MotherofPearl Tue 30-Aug-11 09:10:12

Good lord, some of you have truly terrible house guests! I agree with lots of the above, but actually since we had our first DC about 3 years ago, I've noticed a sharp decline in our house guest numbers! Before we had a comfy spare room, and I had the time to make grand dinners and provide fresh croissants and hot coffee in the mornings. Now of course house guests must content themselves with the sofa bed in the study and fend for themselves on the meals front - suddenly our friends don't seem to stay as often! Odd that. wink

dollydoops Tue 30-Aug-11 09:20:51

Can I add a helpful hint for hosts?
If you have (entirely reasonably) asked us to stay in a local b and b, as there is no room in your house for three of us, two of you and your four month old baby, do not, when taken out for lunch, pick lobster, thereby ensuring that the meal for us all costs £100. Do not subsequently suggest going out for tea and then slip off at bill-paying time, leaving us to pay AGAIN. Our weekend trip has now cost us most of our monthly going out budget.

HeavyHeidi Tue 30-Aug-11 09:45:41

My pets live here. No I won't keep them outside for the duration of your visit and I most certainly will not put them in the kennel. If you or your PFB are afraid of them or their "germs" then you can stay somewhere else. Easy.

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 30-Aug-11 09:46:14

MotherofPearl I agree - we used to have a spare room, provided meals, had lots of visitors. Now we have a blow-up bed in front room, complete with early-morning wake-up from bouncy children, people aren't so keen.

My mum is actively moving to a smaller house with no spare room as she is fed up with hosting. They have one set of friends who stay for six weeks every year. Not any more!

My tip would be - if you are invited to stay at someone's house, the invite is for you and your husband. Do not feel free to extend the invitation to brother-in-law, random aunty, cousins etc. and assume that this will be fine.

I really hope most of these people are your family. If my friends described in any of the ways you describe, they'd be off the xmas card list pronto

Kveta Tue 30-Aug-11 09:57:43

do not complain that the lighting is too dim throughout the house and demand that all the lampshades are removed and the bulbs replaced with ones of higher wattage. then go out for the evening leaving other house guests and your host feeling like they are being interrogated by the ceilings.

do not use 2 packets of bog roll in 1 weekend (8 rolls) without some sort of explanation or offer to buy more.

(both of these are mad SIL at FILs house)

do not turn up with your own bedding, towels, coffee machine, coffee, mugs, spoons, milk, biscuits, and evening meal when you are visiting a family member who has all 4 limbs and a functioning brain. Said family member will be insulted, especially when she has prepared the guest bed for you, and got in coffee and a french press thing specially, and has baked you biscuits, and cooked you a full meal. (my father)

and the opposite applies when you invite someone for lunch - don't open the door to them and say 'we've eaten lunch, so I haven't got you anything. I might have some spare bread if you'd like?' (sister)

DrewsGirl Tue 30-Aug-11 10:01:12

I hate it when guests ask if they are allowed a bath or allowed a brew. I have taken to saying no in these situations and seeing the look on there faces.

When i have told them on numerous occasions it is fine to have a bath - in fact i would really prefer it to you not bathing for 3 days! And i would also like you to make a brew when you want one, not expect me to get up from what i am doing to make you one, i am not a maid!

bigbadbarry Tue 30-Aug-11 10:02:23

When your host says she has to pop to the shop for something for lunch (because you are still there at 1230 despite "planning to leave after coffee time") do not say oh I was going to offer to do that. The difference between this and actually offering will not go undetected. Do not then add items of groceries that you need for your evening meal when you do at last go home to the list for said shop visit then fail to pay for them.

CeliaFate Tue 30-Aug-11 10:05:31

Ooh I've got one! Sil invited us round on New Year's Day so we could show them how to work their new camera. hmm We banged on the door, rang landlines and mobiles. We then rang their dd who said they were in.

Eventually dh's brother came to the door and said, "we didn't hear you knocking".

Sil then cooked chicken nuggets and chips for dd, put a portion out for herself and said, "There's some bread and cheese in the garage if you want Celia". (They'd had a party the previous night and party food was put in the garage)
Do I look like a fucking mouse?!

littlewheel Tue 30-Aug-11 10:12:42

Don't arrive (after giving just a few hours notice) and ask to use the bathroom 'urgently' while 7MO baby is in bath. Then emerge five minutes later looking pleased and watch me go in and practically choke to death on the fumes, and have to continue bathing baby. It's antisocial.

saffronwblue Tue 30-Aug-11 10:22:25

It does not make it easier for your hosts if you are airily vague about what time you are arriving. You are coming on a plane, you must know if you are going to be arriving morning, noon or night. My mother in law did this to my mother and DM spent all day stuck at home, hovering with both lunch and dinner ready to swing into action for the arrival.

littlewheel Tue 30-Aug-11 10:31:05

Don't book a month-long visit without first checking that it's OK (I had a deadline on my MA thesis, and it really wasn't ideal to have you hanging around). Don't then spend all your money at selfridges and sponge off me for a month. Don't bitch about sleeping arrangements (you're not the only freeloader coming to doss for our wedding and it's a two-bed flat). Don't complain about there being no clean towels (see above.) Don't insist on catching the bus home to save money when you've just spent £100 on a fucking hairpiece, and I am in a hurry. Don't then go home and complain bitterly about the whole experience - you came for a month, what did you expect?

Don't then announce that you're coming to visit to see my new baby two years later and expect to be welcomed with open arms, especially when you've just emailed me (two weeks after birth, struggling to establish breastfeeding) that you find breastfeeding 'repulsive.' And then getting snippy when you're told a visit won't work.

This is family, obviously. Friends who come to stay are lovely.

And breathe....

WuzzAndBuddy Tue 30-Aug-11 10:55:28

I'm going to print this thread out and leave it on the table next time MiL and her disgusting husband guests come to stay, do you think they'd actually pay attention...?
To be fair, when she used to visit on her own she was fine, actually a great help, its the vile drip she brings with her now that turns my stomach and irritates me to my core.

In a strange way, its nice to read we're not the only ones with bad guests! grin

TheFantasticFixit Tue 30-Aug-11 10:56:30

Do not come to my house empty handed and proceed to drink the entire contents of our wine cupboard.

Do not go to a festival in flip flops when the forecast is rain, trudge home with black mud caked all over your feet and then attempt to get into my brand new white Laura Ashley sheets without washing..

Do not proceed to get up at 2am, help yourself to a bottle of our red wine, proceed to spill said wine all over cream carpet and then, instead of cleaning it up, cover it with a fucking CREAM blanket

Do not sit and whine about your hangover the next morning whilst I seethingly clean up the stain from the night before without so much as an acknowledgement or apology being uttered from your lips. You do know that I'm not fucking stupid, don't you?

Do not EVER ask to come and stay with me again.

ThisIsYourSong Tue 30-Aug-11 11:01:45

Please be careful with your hosts' belongings. In particular try not to break two chairs, two wine glasses, a portacot, a part off a buggy, rip a curtain out of its hooks and ruin a table.

If you spill something, please make an effort to clean it up. Especially if that something is a full cup of soup which hit the kitchen countertop and splashed everywhere, then fell onto the floor spilling soup down the cupboards on the way. Or if it is a cup of coffee on an antique walnut table which my Dad gave me.

Do not fill your hosts' house with cheap ugly plastic tat which they do not want or need, but will have to keep as they know you will look for it next time you are staying.

Do not stay in bed until midday when your hosts have three DCs under 2, get up and have a leisurely shower, cigarette and make yourself breakfast and a drink without asking anyone else if they want a hand/a drink etc.

That was actually quite therapeutic!

Bettymum Tue 30-Aug-11 11:29:25

Do not, if your hosts have bought you panto tickets for Boxing Day, drive yourself back to host's house after said panto while host struggles over icy pavements on her own to get back to her car whilst carrying an 8-month old baby with one arm and holding onto a three-year old with the other arm, and open and proceed to eat all the Christmas cheese and crackers while you wait, knowing that your host has prepared a delicious casserole that just needs to warm up for dinner.
Host will arrive home, see you stuffing your face because you couldn't be bothered to wait half an hour, and have to go and cry in the utility room.

IvaNighSpare Tue 30-Aug-11 12:10:30

If your host does not possess some specialist utensil (avocado slicer, spaghetti measurer etc), it is most likely because they do not need them, and have not been possessed with the "simply must have it" compulsion.
Therefore, an incredulous sigh, a roll of the eyes and some belittling comment suggesting inadequacy would not be welcome.
Equally, at all costs resist the urge to purchase it for them as a 'thougtful gesture', followed by handing them the receipt with an expectant expression.

RoyalWelsh Tue 30-Aug-11 12:15:54

Don't fall asleep taking up the whole of the sofa (small three seater) within minutes of arriving at our house and meeting hosts DP for the first time.

Don't argue the toss with EVERYTHING host couple say, even somehow twisting it into an argument when they are AGREEING WITH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

AKMD Tue 30-Aug-11 12:16:07

Do not, midway through a birthday party with a significant number of guests, ask where to find cleaning materials and start dusting the front room. It is rude!

Do not, most of the way through a birthday party in your hosts' recently purchased house, sit and complain about the draught on your neck. MOVE or shut up.

Do not come to visit a newborn baby and keep asking your hostess for drinks. She does not want you there in the first place and you can get your own drinks.

Do not bring your mindees to visit a newborn baby and expect your hostess to entertain them. She does not want you there in the first place and is cream crackered.

Those are faily mild compared to the rest on here, which is probably why I don't have overnight houseguests.

AKMD Tue 30-Aug-11 12:17:03

Oh, and following on from drinks. When your shattered hostess does bring you a drink, do not complain that it isn't cold enough and demand a new one! angry

This seems like the perfect thread to check something. I think (hope) I'm a very easy going house guest but we apparently did something that mortally offended our host, who, to be fair is a bit strange.

In the morning, we were on or way out and e announced

Oh fgs my bloody sausage fingers...

He announced he was doing one of his enormous spaghetti bologneses. Ooh lovely, says I. I'll pick up some garlic bread. We have had his spaghetti bologneses many many times, he never does garlic bread or salad etc so I didn't think I was treading on toes. So in I come later with lovely garlic bread and the meal was great and we told him so. But 4 years later he is apparently still secretly pissed off about the garlic bread. Was I wrong?

tranquilitygardens Tue 30-Aug-11 12:26:01

marking my place, on page 1, and I want my kids to read this to see that I am not unreasonable with my idea's of what is acceptable grin

Gwen: "he never does garlic bread or salad etc so I didn't think I was treading on toes"

Aha! That is exactly why you were treading on toes. He clearly thinks his spag bol is so superior, it needs no accompaniment. Offer to get pudding. That never offends.

I am worried now. When I visit my MIL I generally do the cooking or we both cook. She peels potatoes with a knife, I do it with a peeler. Next visit I took a peeler and asked if I could leave it there for when I visit (she has a huge drawer full of kitchen utensils). The next time I visited it had had been binned. It was a really good one and cost £10.

Was I cheeky to ask to leave a potato peeler in her drawer?

She and her DIL both have a drawer each in our spare room full of toiletries, slippers, hairdryers etc for when they visit.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 30-Aug-11 12:33:24

Marking my place for opinions on Garlic-breadGate.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 30-Aug-11 12:37:51

1) Do not expect me to be happy with you arriving at 5pm on a Friday evening and leaving at 2am Monday morning.
2) Do not chuck all the things you want in the trolley at Tesco and then expect me to pay for it.
3) If you are going to use my downstairs loo (which you can see straight into from the living room/kitchen) to take a dump in then please close the fucking door!
4) Do not pull up the shrubs/flowers in my garden because you don't like them...

MotherofPearl Tue 30-Aug-11 12:39:36

Gwen, I don't think you actions were offensive at all! Some might say your garlic bread purchase was a way of enhancing and adding to the meal, not a veiled criticism of it - at least you contributed to the meal!

Although I should add I think his attitude is bonkers and I would be very grateful if you brought garlic bread to go alongside my spag bol

mousymouse Tue 30-Aug-11 12:41:22

pasta and bread are a no no
pasta = carbs
bread = carbs
why do you want to add carbs to carbs?

tranquilitygardens Tue 30-Aug-11 12:41:59

Lady, whaaaaaattttttt someone took a dump and you could all see/smell?? noooooooo, who was this person?

Earthymama Tue 30-Aug-11 12:45:35

When I was newly divorced in the dim-and-distant, my home became a bit of a meeting place for my circle of friends. Of course at first I thought this was wonderful but it became far too regular an occurance to meet several people on the doorstep as I got home from work.

I dropped hints, then said straight out that I would be glad to see them when I invited them to come but to no avail. We had to resort to locking the door and hiding, even lying on the floor under the window until they went away! Then they were very offended the next time we met up.
We moved to Wales so that solved that problem grin

Don't insist that you can't use the stairs and need to have a full-size adult single bed installed for you in the front room, necessitating the rearranging of all the furniture for the ten days of your stay, and then run blithely up the said stairs like a mountain goat with your camera the second that you hear that DS is playing in the bath.

Do not insist that you should have your hostess' eyeliner, coat, new shoes, bag etc because it would suit you so much better than it does her.

MIL. And there's so much more I've blanked out........

Earthymama Tue 30-Aug-11 12:46:30

I am open-mouthed at the things people do in someone else's home!

My kitchen is tiny and it's really difficult for people to help to clear up after meals. I tend to hide the dirty dishes in the oven until everyone has gone. I do feel that regular visitors should make a cuppa for everyone, as DD does here.

We have just had people we know, through a couple of face to face meetings and then mostly online, to stay over the Bank Holiday. They are a mum and her little boy, and I can honestly say I really miss them now they have gone home. It was wonderful to be with someone who shares our world view; I am a self-confessed odd-bod!

I do hope the mum won't be on here saying how awful we were!!

diggingintheribs Tue 30-Aug-11 12:48:04

do not

get up and immediately make tea/coffee and toast, take out all the butter, jams, cheeses and cold meats to put on the table. use only 2 of them. make sure jam/butter etc is mixed in with the other pot you used. go upstairs to have a shower leaving everything on the table

and in all that time - the only thing you said to your hosts was 'morning'!

Also, if your hosts offer to get a takeaway (because they're too knackered to cook) - please don't harangue them because 'it would have been cheaper to cook your own rice'

and no, i don't expect flowers, or a financial contribution, or even a thank you - I am hapy to accept you are 'hard up' at the moment - but it does gall when you try and pilfer our oyster cards and make yourself sandwiches out of what was going to be tonights dinner so you can go and spend a small fortune on clothes and stuff in the apple store

diggingintheribs Tue 30-Aug-11 12:50:02

oh yes

and it might be cheaper for you to arrive at 2am and leave at 5am but it is damn inconvenient for me, and no we will not pick you up from the train station - use your savings to get a cab!

LadyFlumpalot Tue 30-Aug-11 12:53:09

tranquillity - It was a relative - I shan't say which one. We could see, smell and hear him taking a shit. It was just after I had DS and I was very tempted to call out "Is that one a forceps job too?" grin

OH ended up marching up to the loo, looking them straight in the eye and slamming the door!

tranquilitygardens Tue 30-Aug-11 12:55:02

oh good grief, Lady, please tell me after your dh looked him in the eye and slammed the door it never happened again!

SummerLeaps Tue 30-Aug-11 12:56:09

Do not invite yourself to my house when you have not seen me for 10 years just because you are on a UK holiday and you 'are family' and then look around and say 'Nice house. Do you own it outright or do you have a mortgage?' (Uncle).

As above, then ask DH what he does for a living (nothing as it happens, unemp-loyed) and then ask if perhaps he would like to 'invest' in your new 'business'. (Uncle again).

Do not do above and then extend your stay to 3 fucking weeks bcause other long lost relatives have seen the light and cancelled you, then complain that the sickly baby is waking you up in the night. I was woken too, and also had to go to work fulltime.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 30-Aug-11 12:56:46

He hasn't been back! grin

PinkSecular Tue 30-Aug-11 12:56:47

Hahahahah very amusing.

Please do feel free to discipline your child who is spilling & dropping food & drink all over the sofa we specifically said is not to have food & drink on it!

Living by the sea = guest house really winds me up!

Please do not come back and visit after sleeping in my spare bed for a week and not once showering/bathing. I don't care how good you washed with the flannel angry

Please do not come and stay to help two days after I have given birth and moan constantly about the crink in your neck, having to have daily baths and rest to relieve the pain - and when I explode that 'my fanny is killing me will you stop going on about your neck!' please do not reply with 'at least you know what has caused your pain'. It is not the same, really it's not.

silverten Tue 30-Aug-11 13:12:22

Do not, when clearing up the kitchen after you have cooked, take the opportunity to throw out half the useful tupperware boxes I have spent time and money collecting (the ones that fit just so in my tiny fridge), simply because you choose to bin any leftovers rather than eating them up later.

Do not spend hours spouting about how you try to only buy local organic food as it is so much better for the planet, just after binning most of my fridge's perfectly good leftovers.

Do not whinge like a small child when we put the takeaway containers in the dishwasher so they are clean for the recycling bin, and whine "Can't we just throw them away, just this once?" I'm not making you wash the sodding things up, but I'm not cluttering up my wheely bin either.

Do not ask, every single time you come to stay, which room you are sleeping in. We have a three bedroom house and two of the rooms are already occupied by permanent residents. Furthermore, when we took the time to set up the spare room for guests, we actually had a long conversation with you about the process. Work it out.

Do not pull a face when finding out that we have no intention of moving from our (perfectly pleasant modern) house ever again, because you personally cannot believe that anyone would not choose to live in a period property (complete with horrific maintenance bills and authentic draughts).

Do not try to tell me how to hang my washing on the line by describing how you learnt about it in your posh school physics lessons. I do not give a shit and frankly have more important things to worry about than the optimum way of pegging out sheets. If you do it again I will make a snarky comment about how my school (the one you look down upon because it was only a comprehensive) had a slightly more professional set of aspirations for its pupils.

NeopreneMermaid Tue 30-Aug-11 13:12:58

1. If you must camp in the garden hmm rather than use the airbed in the house, please do not pitch your tent on the hole for the whirly washing line. If you do this by mistake, please move the tent, rather than rig up an elaborate system of ropes that criss-cross the entire garden at garrotting height.
2. The INDOOR broom in the conservatory is not to be used for sweeping muddy leaves from the patio or retrieving items from the pond.
3. Close the stair gates behind you, for the love of God.
4. The electric hammer drill should not be left plugged in and switched on in the toddler’s play area. Neither should the saw.
5. Please do not dilute the host’s shower gel. It does not “make it last longer”; it makes it all gush out in a single squirt.
6. The best time to tell the host she needs to put a wash on because the toilet hand-towel needs changing is not when she is battling morning sickness and preparing breakfast for three children. And you.
7. Please do not hoof across the cream carpets in your muddy shoes, especially when they were professionally cleaned last week at great expense.
8. Respect that some households do not subscribe to the school of thought that maintains: “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.”
9. If you are staying with someone because of their proximity to an airport, shower and use the hairdryer the night before, not at 4am.
10. The following phone call is unlikely to be welcomed by your heavily pregnant daughter-in-law at 2am on a week night: “Hello, I left home to visit [daughter] seven hours later than planned and I won’t make it to hers tonight but I’m near you now. Can I stay the night? And can you make me some filthy evil stinking Marmite on toast even though I know it makes you queasy?”

iliketea Tue 30-Aug-11 13:29:59

If you end up staying longer than planned (i.e 3 months rather than 2 weeks) and want to assist with grocery shopping, it would be nice to replace what you use like for like rather than the cheapest available alternative, especially as if you are working full time and living rent free.

In particular, using all your hosts charmin and replacing it with asda smart price bog roll will piss your host right off.

STBBilly Tue 30-Aug-11 13:35:08

do not say you will arrive at 4 but not turn up till 8 and complain that dinner has to be reheated instead of cooked fresh, then open 3 bottles of unopened spirits you find in the hall cupboard,( 2 weekd b4 xmas, clearly gifts for people) take 3 drinks out of each and leave them open on the side then get merrily pissed on ALL the beer and wine. then fall asleep so deeply that when your 3 yr old gets up to use the loo you cant be woken and she wees on the floor which the host has to clear up. then stay in bed till 11.30 and when you emerge moan that your dd shouldnt have been allowed chocolate cereals and bitch that she is wearing the hosts sons PJs instead of girls ones. especially when the host has no fucking girls.

lightsandshapes Tue 30-Aug-11 13:35:36

I could have written that list, lovelybertha....

I would add:

1) Do not ask your 7 month pregnant host to give up her bed for you - this will start things off on the wrong foot.
2) Do not make comments about your hosts' relationship, especially after said pregnant host has just been on her feet for 2 hours cooking your family of five a prawn curry.
3) Do not think you know how to use the dishwasher and put it on any old setting - thereby breaking the china as it gets too hot.
4) Do not assume the kitchen is your own, and assert 'children first' at very mealtime. It is antisocial.
5) Do not wait for direction from your hosts everyday - have some ideas abot what you want to do and where you want to go so you don't have to be 'entertained' like a five year old.
6) Do not fail to offer return hospitality on the grounds that 'you will have a screaming baby soon', especially if you have just brought three children under 4 to your hosts house.


cpbp Tue 30-Aug-11 13:59:03

Do not TALK NON- STOP with endless boring stories Do not follow your hosts around the house! Do not comment about how much washing up liquid we use!!. Do not exclaim when you get something different for pudding - yes I know my menu is not v extensive but it is RUDE to say, ooh, we are having X for pudding and then look as if you are going to keel over in amazement!!

Do let your knakered hostess read even a para in the Sunday papers- impossible last time due to the non-stop talker. Tried about 10 times to read a para and failed!

Rant over- feel better.

TheBride Tue 30-Aug-11 14:22:47

Do not get into bed with your host and his gf in the middle of the night grin

Ex-bf's best friend did this (basically semi-sleepwalking), and the poor guy was so mortified he left the next morning before I got up.

mustdash Tue 30-Aug-11 14:28:22

Please do not provide a list of foods you "need us to have" prior to your arrival, and then not eat the stuff. Organic Cashew nut spread anyone?

bigbadbarry Tue 30-Aug-11 14:31:45

Mermaid my MIL used my indoor kitchen-sweeping brush to clear my patio this weekend!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Aug-11 14:49:45

- Just because your hosts have had you to stay for a month once, at your special request, that does not mean that they are expecting you to stay for a month EVERY YEAR from now on. Sending a cheery email letting your reluctant hosts know that you'll be gracing them with your presence from 10th Feb to 12th March is not polite. Asking whether you can come to stay and accepting when told never to darken their doors again is polite.

- If you are a follower of the seaside=guesthouse philosophy, do feel free to leave the fecking house now and again to look at some of the actual seaside. Do not spent all day every day reading up to seven different newspapers in your hosts really rather small kitchen.

-If you are staying overnight at your girl/boyfriend's place, which is a house-share with a kitchen the size of a large-ish cupboard, do not assume that his/her housemates will treat with delight the news that you are hosting a dinner party for your old school friends. Their drawn and starving faces peering miserably around the kitchen door whilst you take over all worktops and hobs for most of the evening should perhaps indicate that they would rather you'd chosen your own house, which you own, as a location for this soiree.

- If you are staying with a friend because you're performing in the local area, DO NOT assume that they would like you to invite your entire orchestra/troupe of actors/army of flying monkeys around to "rehearse" in their house. Especially do not assume this if they have specifically told you not to.

DrewsGirl Tue 30-Aug-11 14:52:32

Please do help your 3yo old son go to the toilet, you must know that he cant reach and i dont want to have to wash the floor and the mats every time he goes!

Plase do not come to help out a few days after i have haid a csection and expect me to cook tea while you look after the baby - to give me a break?? i could hardly stand up long enough to cook so partly out of exhaustion and partly out of principal i didnt do the dishes for 4 days, this is how long it took said guest to venture into the kitchen and see what a state it was in.

I always put my feet up on the sofa at home and when i am in other peoples houses i wait and see how they sit, if they put their feet up i do, if they dont i wont. Do you think this offends them?

Peetle Tue 30-Aug-11 14:56:47

There's a lot being offloaded here and there's only so much you can share with your partner when the problems mostly seem to be with the in-laws.
Anyway, here are a couple of mine.

Wash. That rotting gorgonzola smell is your feet. It's not funny and it would go away if you washed them, even if you're unable to reach them given that you probably can't see them.

If you do wash, you don't need half a bottle of my expensive shower gel. You always "forget" your own...

It's polite to wait until everyone is sitting down before you start eating, especially if your uncooperative toddler grandchildren have not yet been manhandled into their chairs.

Similarly, it's polite to wait until everyone else has finished before leaving the table. If you can't, you should at least finish chewing.

Please don't paw your grandchildren and slobber faggy kisses over them. You may notice they struggle and then wipe their faces vigorously afterwards.

madmouse Tue 30-Aug-11 15:07:02

This thread came in the middle of my dad and stepmum's visit from Holland and I've been so shocked at how some people behave shock

Of course they've taken some pressure off me by having ds all the time (try keeping them apart!), they brought gifts for us all (not expensive just thoughtful), cleared up their own mess, payed for a nice takeaway one evening, swept and mopped the floor while I put ds in bed, cleared the table, loaded the dishwasher and they have just left the guest room as if they'd never been there. They also appreciate whatI cook for them and make drinks for us and themselves. Guess I'm lucky smile

ThePathanKhansWoman Tue 30-Aug-11 15:09:46

Do you know, i just want to bundle the lot of you up, and take you to a lovely spa/hotel/chateau/cottage whatever you all decide, and molly the lot of you.

grin Honestly, i CANNOT believe the selfishness, rudeness and down-right
smelly evilness of The House Guests from Hell.

Bloody put them all up against a wall i would!

Leaving body hair, making unkind comments about peoples houses/spouses/cooking/career shock.Making a c-sectioned woman run after
you?!( a special place in hell for that house guest)

Don't you all ever let them over the threshold again - Do you hear me?.

encyclogirl Tue 30-Aug-11 15:25:03

Don't announce that "I'm not the kind of house guest that helps you know" and expect the response to be along the lines of, "Oh we wouldn't expect you to, that's what we're here for"

Don't constantly make racist comments in front of your gc and get all offended if you're reprimanded for it.

Don't bitch about every single member of the family as soon as you arrive and continue doing it until you leave. We know you bitch about us as soon as you get home, your dc talk to each other and guess what? They tell each other what you say.

Don't stand 3 inches from my face while I am trying to prepare lunch, and don't keep asking me over and over again if you're "Stressing me out" by doing it. I have already said you are stressing me out, but still you persist.

Don't then wait until lunch is on the table to pick up a newspaper, and start reading it. You have spent all morning 3 inches from my face watching me prepare it, while telling me about all the wonderful meals you've served in your time, (liar by the way, you never cooked in your life). You are sitting at the island, 3 feel away from the dinner table. You can see lunch has been served. We have told you to put down the paper and join us yet you keep reading while taking 3 weeks to get off the bar stool. Why can't you see that is really rude?

Don't constantly tell your ds that his prostate needs to be checked. He KNOWS ok?

Also, for someone so hung up on manners, good breeding and graciousness you don't seem to display much of it yourself hmm

Bettymum Tue 30-Aug-11 15:25:49

Oh yes, TheBride - do not go out with host's DH and get so pissed that you:
a) piss all over the bathroom floor of the nice new house they have been living in for all of seven days and
b) then be unable to remember which room you are supposed to be sleeping in and get into bed with host and host's DH, host being utterly unable to do anything about it as you are paralytic, deeply asleep and snoring already, and must weigh at least 18 stone so cannot be pushed out of bed.

encyclogirl Tue 30-Aug-11 15:31:16

Oh and PS MIL, when my parents come to visit it's like having a housekeeper and gardener. They never complain, make us feel like we're the best thing since sliced bread, help with the gc and leave the house and garden looking better than when they arrived.

But I suppose they are working class stock and not upper middle class like you, as you once pointed out to me when I praised their efforts.

redglow Tue 30-Aug-11 15:45:32

Dont demand steak just before a bbq when there is only chicken sausages and burgers. Unless you would like to pay for it.
Dont watch me make a hund red trips to ther garden from the kitchen with all the food.

Empusa Tue 30-Aug-11 15:51:27

Oh some more from when I was housesharing, we had some wonderful guests. hmm

- Do not feed the remote control to the dog

- Do not refuse to leave after a party has finished and all the hosts are pointedly yawning and saying how tired they are.

- Do not, after the hosts have allowed you to stay the night, wait for them all to retire to bed then yell up the stairs "QUICK! THE POLICE ARE OUTSIDE AND ASKING FOR YOU!" And then when the hosts have come running downstairs in dressing gowns say, "only joking, have you got any more alcohol?" angry

- If it is your first time meeting the owners of the house a mere week after they've moved in, do not instantly start slagging off said house.

- Do not ignore the hosts when they say their pet rats bite, and stick your finger in the cage anyway. Then have the cheek to complain or threaten to hurt the animal.

BerylStreep Tue 30-Aug-11 15:52:41

We have guests who bring their own bedding and specific snacks. Far from being rude, I think it is fantastic - I only have to put a fitted sheet on the bed - no changing duvet covers and pillows.

encyclogirl Tue 30-Aug-11 15:54:56

Oh and another thing MIL. Don't make a huge performance about taking a veggie burger to your dd's house for a BBQ, because you're a vegetarian then proceed to eat all the meat that you are offered, "Just to taste it" while leaving the veggie burger untouched.

Eating meat disqualifies you from being a vegatarian, saying "I'm this vegetarian that eats meat" does not ensure you retain your vegetarian credentials. You are not, and never have been, a vegetarian angry

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Aug-11 16:04:38

Ooh Empusa you must be from my house!

- If you are the guest of one person in a house-share, and sleeping on the sofa, do not make the sitting room effectively your bedroom by slumbering peacefully on the sofa all day because you don't start work until the evening. Their housemates will not be enchanted that they are now confined to their own rooms or a teeny kitchen due to the presence of a snoring total stranger who has barricaded themselves in.

Empusa Tue 30-Aug-11 16:06:49

Oh there always has to be at least one of those doesn't there Elephants! I remember a fair few hushed conversations in the kitchen wondering if it would be totally unreasonable to stand outside the living room door banging pots and pans together grin

northerngirl41 Tue 30-Aug-11 16:13:35

If you successfully manage to get your host a small thank you gift, don't ruin the sentiment by phoning them to cadge £20 off them for the taxi to the airport "...since I spent all my money on those nice choccies for you".

If I've managed to invest in a spare room, do me a favour and USE IT when I'm mortally hungover and need a break from relentless hosting duties. Go read a book or something!

DrewsGirl I do the same, though if it's someone who I know is particularly highly strung I ask first. Especially after someone I know on another forum came online one night specifically to rant about how her MIL had the gall to sit with her feet curled under her on the sofa. Said MIL had removed her shoes at the door so I wasn't really sure what the problem was.

PorkChopSter Tue 30-Aug-11 16:44:20

If you decide to descend on someone for a 4 night stay, barely a week after the birth of their third child in 3.5 years, you do not:

1. Remove all the table lamps from the room your DC are staying in, put the DC in there, shut the door tight and tell them to shut up - this does not constitute "putting them to bed" All it means is that they will scream for an hour as they are locked in a strange room in the pitch black. Their screaming will keep all of my DC awake and give me the heebeegeebees ... but it will ensure I will put your children to bed for the next 3 nights.

2. Go on a trip to Morrisons. There are Morrisons everywhere. It is not a tourist destination. Running out without your DC, leaving me to look after 5 DC a week after giving birth is not appriopriate.

3. Yell "GO AWAY" to your DC at 6am when they come into your room. This a. wakes everyone else up and b. is ineffectual. All it does is get your DC to wake me, or my DC up.

4. Stay in bed until 9am while I look after your DC - since 6am - give them all breakfast, get them dressed... then waltz down and ask me what is for breakfast.

5. Ask when dinner is, and I say 12.30, then go out and come back at 1.30 and still expect to eat

6. Say you will arrive "in the morning" When pressed admit to "late morning," then arrive at 2pm.

I should point out, that this is not unlike the pattern of any previous visits, it was the fact it was a week after DC3 was born that burned the unpleasantness into my memory. And also, in all of the time I have known them, that I have had only two cups of tea at their house. Ever. No food. Ever. Nothing else.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Aug-11 16:46:32

Oh definitely NU Empusa. This was in a previous houseshare and all the houseguests were Portuguese (therefore didn't understand my oh-so-subtle references to their peaceful slumbers) and stayed at least 3 weeks. <rage>

If you have a key to someone else's house because you are their friend/relative/landlord/former housemate, it is NOT ok to turn up unexpectedly at 3am on Friday night with your giant slavering hound and your friend's even more enormous slavering hound, and take over the entire sitting room as a bedroom for you and the dogs for the weekend. If you do decide to do this, it is not kind to go out for the day and leave your wolfpack in the house - especially if you are the landlord who hasn't bothered to repair the catches on the bedroom doors. Coming home to find their bed has been made into a pool of hair and drool from the hounds of the baskervilles who have made the lovely clean sheets into an unholy nest may result in a frosty atmosphere from your hosts - all the more so if they cannot afford/are not allowed to change the locks and know you may turn up at ANY TIME.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Aug-11 16:49:07

Oh, and I honestly love dogs, so when I say these dogs were a) massive b) insane c) out of control and d) destroyed most of the house, I really really mean it.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Aug-11 16:50:01

Oh god oh god - I forgot. Swap "out for the day" to "out for the weekend having got lucky on Saturday night".

unreasonableme Tue 30-Aug-11 16:59:28

Your husband ringing to tell me in Jan that you MIGHT be in the area in April but he's not sure does not for a jolly hostess make. If my phone number stops working CHECK my contact details with my mother before you come up. Not the morning of your arrival. Ringing me out of the blue to tell me you'll be here in 4 hours, then turning up at my workplace 30 mins later, leading me to change the time of my lunchbreak for the second time that day is not helpful.

Do not say there'll be 4 of you staying 3 nights, then the day you arrive point out it'll only be 2 of you for 3 nights, then you're being joined for the other 2 for 4 nights. It's a tiny, 2-bed house. I can't cope with extra people I don't know for that long. (Flatmate's friends).

Do not go into my bedroom and take the clothes that are drying in there out to hang on the line. I don't care if it's bad for my asthma, I do not want someone I met two days ago wandering into my room and handling my smalls.

If your friend is busy working at the weekend take your daughter out for the day. Do not stay in the house and talk AT me all day, especially when I'm trying to read. I want a day of rest, not a headache. You may love the sound of your own voice. I do not.

lovelybertha Tue 30-Aug-11 17:06:19

Oooooh! A Discussion of the Day! <preen>

Kind of hoping that someone else will start a 'hints for hosts' thread now... I think there are a few of us who'd appreciate some ideas for how to put guests off... BIL pulled a blinder by 'doing dinner for the kids', but only his.confused Ours had to make do with whatever I could find lurking in the bottom of my handbag and then a Ginsters sausage roll from the crappy corner-shop. I certainly haven't darkened their door since.

They live in huge house, in a <really> lovely town with a gorgeous beach. And are never bothered by overnight visitors. Coincidence? I think not!

ipswichwitch Tue 30-Aug-11 17:25:12

do not darken my door again claiming you want to visit our mutual relatives who are staying with us, then proceed to hog the remote because you want to watch a 4hr only fools and horses marathon while not talking to any of us.
don't then sit and text every sodding person on your mobile while still ignoring our existence. then after saying nothing to anyone for 5hrs dont make your first attempt at conversation along the lines of, i know you're going to the shop for bread buns for lunch, but i dont want sandwiches, i want a pastie, some monster munch, chocolate biscuits, a cake (to himself) and a fucking magnum. then expect me to pay for it all when you've already ate all the nice goodies i bought in for the guests i actually had staying here.

sicilianbuttercup Tue 30-Aug-11 17:46:11

Love all your posts, here's my list:
1 When I cook you a homemade pizza from scratch, Having already made you a full roast dinner, do not say "we don't eat junk food"

2 ditto the previous poster if you bring one bottle of wine for a 3 night stay do not take it from the fridge and drink the lot.

3 Do not apply the full force of your 24 stone to the stair gate.

4 Likewise the toilet, if it now wobbles since you used it, i'm sure it was an accident, but please let us know.

5 If the dgc's have made you a birthday cake please do not take the piss.

6 Real help would be much appreciated, reading the gc's a book putting then to bed would be lovely, taking everything out of the dishwasher and leaving it on the side is not helpful.

grin sicilian

I thought of this thread today when I went to make up the spare bed for the next set of visitors and realised the last set had taken the window handle out of the frame. I'm sure it wasn't their fault - it wasn't screwed in very tightly - but you could have told me!

AWimbaWay Tue 30-Aug-11 18:14:54

Do not announce that you don't have time to wait for the £20 joint of beef to roast and instead decide to prepare your own meal meal using the ENTIRE fridge contents leaving us with nothing but a rather large amount of beef for the rest of the week.

Do not wait until we go to bed, drink 2 bottles of wine, 3 cans of beer then disappear off into the night leaving our front door wide open whilst our children sleep upstairs.

Do not offer to cook then proceed with, what shall I cook? How should I cook it? Where are the pans? How do you turn on the oven? etc. etc. It'd be easier to cook it my bloody self.

bubaluchy Tue 30-Aug-11 18:49:26

Don't visit your daughter and her partner, both of whom, work full time and study part time, then bark at them over breakfast: "you really should be making more use of your garden, I can't beleive you don't grow your own vegetables"

WuzzAndBuddy Tue 30-Aug-11 18:56:49

Oh and do not fart on my brand new sofa when you know it makes me feel ill, especially dirty loud wet sounding farts that you find absolutely hilarious... I don't.
Saying 'I can't leave the room everytime I need to fart!' doesn't excuse you, you really could if you had any manners.
Its my house, my rules, my sofa... Oh and everything you do makes me feel ill, farting is just the tip of the iceberg.

HattiFattner Tue 30-Aug-11 19:04:51

do not put a roast lamb and spuds in dripping into the newly cleaned oven without a cover of some sort. Especially if your hostess has just returned from hospital, having given birth 6 hours previously.

At 10am the next morning, do not stand and watch the hostess clear away your breakfast dishes (now 21 hours since birth of grandchild)

Do not tell your family you will be there for lunch, then arrive at 2:35 and say you wont eat the (now ruined) food as you had a pastie in the market on the way here.

Dear guest

If you're on a food fad special diet, thats ok by me, but please give me enough notice to actually get the food you demand need.

Don't turn up on my doorstep demanding asking for food you know full well we don't have in the house.

I couldn't care less about what imaginary ailment you are attempting to cure with aformentioned diet, but I will start getting rather hacked off when you start telling my toddler that certain foods are 'bad' and 'yuk'. Thanks to you my toddler now won't eat anything that is white.

That and more besides means I won't be offering to host you again in the near future

BumptiousandBustly Tue 30-Aug-11 19:37:32


announce that you want to wash your clothes, dump our dirty clothes out of the washing machine, wash your own clothes and leave our dirty laundry in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Go and buy a punnet of strawberries and a punnet of blue berries for your self, nothing for my two children (1 and 3), sit in the car and stuff your face with them while I get the children in the car and then offer me one strawberry. When I indicate that my children love Blue berries, don't eat all but twelve (infront of them) and then SHARE the last 12 with my 3 year old (3 to him, 9 to you)

after having stayed for 3 days, unannounced and not having contributed anything at all - when asked if you are staying for a meal which your hostess has to buy food in for specially - which is in one hours time - say "I don't know, does it matter?" when you have just been told that your hosts needs to know whether to get enough food for you or not.

Do NOT make your hostesses 3 year old cry repeatedly by repeating the same behavior - especially when you are asked to stop. When this request to stop is repeated more forcefully, do not respond by saying you are "toughening him up"

Do not, when it is made very clear that you are not welcome again - respond by texting your hostess that she is self pitying and blames everyone else for everything.

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 30-Aug-11 19:44:48

Bumptious the thing about meals drives me mad too. Who cooks enough for four extra people at each meal just in case they decide to stay?

JumpJockey Tue 30-Aug-11 20:35:05

Please don't come down and wash your hair in the kitchen sink in the morning, the bathroom is right next door so very easy to find, and we find that toddlers get very distracted by this sort of thing at breakfaste time.

When you come down the next day rather sniffily to use the bathroom instead, it would be a good idea to come in pjs or a dressing gown, rather than fully dressed to your shoes. There are two people who need to get ready for work, and knowing that you're taking so long because of the need to get fully undressed and ten fully dressed again (while toddler says "i need a wee!") does not create a peaceful atmosphere around the breakfast table.

If you say you are arriving at x o'clock, do not assume that because your host is on maternity leave she will be in when you arrive at x minus an hour, and then stand on the doorstep in the rain grumbling instead of going back to one of the many coffee shops you passed on the way to the train station.

bananamam Tue 30-Aug-11 20:50:58

Do not sit on my sofa and ask me for a cup of tea when I am 8 months pregnant and have spd

Do not hog my laptop/iPad AND remote control for the entire evening so you can play games and watch tv.

Do not wear great clunking heals at 9pm on my wooden floors when you know my kids are sleeping.

Do not then expect(I know righthmm) me to then bend over to remove said boots because YOU have a bad back

This is MIL(whom I actually get on with after wineblush) who cut my wedding cake, opened wedding gifts, used DP as a taxi service(for relatives on wedding day), told us(on wedding night) we were shit parents and disrespected her house. After she woke the kids after screeching her fathers funeral songs with all her sisters at 2am. Won't forget our wedding night. sadhmm

She now stays in a hotel when she visits though. grin

happybubblebrain Tue 30-Aug-11 20:51:02

Don't wipe you bottom on the hand towels, use toilet paper.

SinicalSal Tue 30-Aug-11 21:26:24

happybubblebrain shock envy angry

SinicalSal Tue 30-Aug-11 21:26:53

the green face is for pukey, btw, NOT envy

woowa Tue 30-Aug-11 21:53:01

Please don't block both toilets with your poo when I am pregnant and ask me to sort it out. Hoping they never come back with their weird digestve systems.

Don't say to your host, pregnant by IVF, that "i've never thought IVF is a very good thing." Especially when you should not have known we had IVF, who told you??

All in one one night stay. Really hope they nevr come back. I wouldn't say it about anyone else but these were beyond unbelievable. At least they brought their own duvet so they couldn't complain about ours.

this message aspecially for DH

Do not excite your American hosts by announcing 'Tasteslikepanda would love to cook you a traditional english meal of fish and chips' when you know too fucking well I have never cooked fish and chips in my life, am not about to start in a strange kitchen and then have to look at the disappointed faces when I offer to make them bangers and mash instead...

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup Tue 30-Aug-11 21:57:51

Do not use the fact that the children have 'separation anxiety' as an excuse not to do anything with them. The children are 4 and 16 months now - you can at least play with the four year old.

Do not expect me to pay $400 for a week's groceries cos you decided to buy up the whole shop (including things we already have but you couldn't be bothered to check for first)

Do not follow my poor, beleaguered DH around the house asking him to do things for you (mend my computer, buy this thing, fix this thing) when he has just got in the door and would like to see his wife and kids first. And maybe sit down for 5 minutes.

And many, many more..... Sigh. We are currently three days into 2 and a half months of three different sets of visitors...... Oh God, why???

dreamingofsun Tue 30-Aug-11 21:58:22

if you invite yourself to house sit for 2 weeks whilst your relatives are away when they don't actually need a housesitter:

1. Please say thankyou and a bottle of wine wouldn't go amiss
2. do no invite your partner, all their family and their families friends
3. volunteer to do at least a few jobs, eg mowing the lawn
4. do not fiddle with the PC so that the colours are all odd and the homeowner has to spend ages working out how to change it back to normal
5. if you are going to arrive at the most stressful point in a holiday - ie during packing/sorting house out do not expect your family of 6 to be fed, much better to buy a take-away (though obviously this does cost money)
6. let the homeowner take their shoes off before you give them a long list of things that have broken when they return from their holiday

Popbiscuit Tue 30-Aug-11 22:28:26

When your morbidly obese and thoroughly unpleasant 11 year old is caught helping himself to a whole package of cookies from our pantry you should deviate from your usual jellyfish non-confrontational parenting style and do something about it. When your similarly greedy and repugnant 6 year old is found to have squirrelled two-thirds of my daughter's Sylvanian Families collection into her suitcase you should make her return them and apologize, NOT pretend like you didn't notice and let her keep them anyway because my daughter was too polite (and shocked) to kick up a fuss.
While visiting and invited to attend our child's soccer game, do not allow your (inactive and lazy) children to complain that it would be "boring" and "annoying" to have to go and cheer on their cousin.
Thanks for starting this thread, Bertha. Highly therapeutic smile

darksideofthemooncup Tue 30-Aug-11 23:07:10

Please don't take a shit on the guest room floor. <thousand yard stare>

cherrysodalover Tue 30-Aug-11 23:19:29

I really hope the guests out there who choose to stay with 'family'( even distant family you have never met) time and time again( read have a cheap holiday) are reading this.

It is not on.
Go get a hotel like the rest of us- more than a few nights is not acceptable unless offered willingly by your host.

limetrees Tue 30-Aug-11 23:44:47

1) If you get drunk and shit in my toilet, somehow spirting thousands of drops of blood and shit all over my toilet (outside, inside and all visible places) - FGS wipe it up. I really don't enjoy that clearup and had to throw out a wooden toilet seat because of it.

2) Don't arrive and immediately go out, returning only at a very late hour to use my facilities. And don't repeat the next day. I'm not a hotel and thought you came to see me.

3) Don't wonder why I have refused all your subsequent requests/demands to stay.

<<Does V sign at BIL>>

isitmidnightalready Wed 31-Aug-11 00:43:16

Do not offer to help carry the round when I was quietly offering two other people a drink out of the twelve in the group. And do not run up a bar bill of £27 pounds for said round while I am on the loo and expect me to pay.

Do not visit and pay not one single penny for anything whilst you are here, including meals out, then nip off for a quick walk and go for a meal on your own! And do a sharp exit when the bill for another meal out together arrives.

Do these people go on training courses to learn these tricks?

saffronwblue Wed 31-Aug-11 00:44:17

Do not, having met DH in a youth hostel 15 years ago, arrive to stay in the week when FIL is dying. Having arrived, do not then sit about waiting for DH to return from hospital vigil each day to take you out sightseeing. While sitting about waiting, do not keep talking about how lovely your life is in the Carribean and do not keep asking me to make you drinks.

LineRunner Wed 31-Aug-11 01:00:33

PorkChop, Who are these people to you??!

shelscrape Wed 31-Aug-11 03:31:50

This is such a good thread!

1. do not moan and grumble that your room does not have a hook for a dressing gown or that the mirror is not right for you. You ahvethe spare roon with a proper bed FFS
2. Do not say " you used to keep the house so much tidier before you had DS"
3. Do not announce at breakfast on Christmas morning in the presence of 5 yearold DS that you realised father christmas did not exist when you were 8 and then tell the whole story in graphic detail
4. Get up before 11 am at least once, do not leave manky underpants in the bathroom and open the bedroom window if your feet are super stinky
5. if you ahve been eating a gluten free diet for 6 years, but have gone back to normal food, it is polite to tell your host before he buys gluten free everything for you ... and you then have the nerve to say you won'ts eat it

Do not throw your wet towel all over the bathroom so that it breaks pieces off my irreplaceable ornament. I don't care that it is a china lobster pot decorated in pink and blue roses and lifelike crabs and lobsters, it is my lobster pot and you are not the Taste Police.

I realize that people can't help having smelly feet and shoes. However, if your shoes can be smelled from 15 feet away and the stench is such that your hostess is pursuing her toddler children around to find out which one needs a diaper change, that is probably an indication that said shoes should be stored in the front porch or in the attached garage. (DH was a bad host on this occasion, he said nothing but quietly filled said shoes half-full with soda bicarbonate - smell all gone).

If you tell me that you will be returning during the early evening for dinner and bringing your business partner with you, so that I spend the entire day cleaning, shopping and cooking, it would be nice if you could tell me that the pair of you have decided to go out for a meal earlier than 30 minutes after the dinner was supposed to be served.

If you are the boyfriend of a woman in a shared house, do not sit on the sofa in her dressing gown and nothing else when it is only a mid-thigh length dressing gown on her and you are a good 14 inches taller than she is. There are things I really don't need to see first thing in the morning before I've had my coffee.

When your hosts have friends and neighbors over, don't haul the cat onto your lap, pick over it's fur and then wave your hand over your head yelling 'Look, I caught a flea'. It is a cat not a chimpanzee, it doesn't like being ruffled and it does NOT have fleas. What you have there are bizarre grooming habbits and a piece of pine cone.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 31-Aug-11 07:38:56

If you are staying with your girlfriend's brother and his wife, neither of whom you have met before, do not arrive, ask 'what's this shit that's playing?' and as soon as the hostess goes out of the room to get you a drink, stop the music and rifle their CD collection for something more to your liking

merrymonsters Wed 31-Aug-11 08:23:28

Don't wash your hair in the kitchen sink (yuk), especially when there are two bathrooms available. Same woman also walked around downstairs naked at breakfast time and kept 'worrying' that my brother might come downstairs and see her naked.

what properly totally NAKED


Peetle Wed 31-Aug-11 09:13:54

Tortoiseonthehalfshell - guilty as charged; I'm always doing that. However, I generally mutter it to my other half and cast an eye over the CDs rather than attempt to rectify the crimes against music that I encounter.

Another one: when we've made up a bed for your DCs on the floor of our (carpeted) loft and you've kindly brought some bedding, please make sure you take your scabby, emaciated old pillows home and not our nice, new puffy ones. Even if the DCs made the mistake you must have realised when you got home. It's like getting home with Bella Emberg rather than Cheryl Cole.

dreamingofsun Wed 31-Aug-11 09:20:47

1.if you have an accident on the sheets whilst your host is on holiday try and wash the sheet
2. and if you then wash yourself in the shower please clean the poo from the shower base
3. please turn the tele off when you leave the house and do not leave it on for a week unattended - it uses electric and i can't help but think it could be a fire risk
4. if you find the house to be immaculate when you arrive, leave it in the same state when you go - cleaning a house before and after unwanted house-sitters is no fun, especially when you hate housework
5. find a better excuse than your bed/chairs give me back-ache so i can't visit, when you happily invite yourself to house-sit for 2 weeks whilst your host is on holiday

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 31-Aug-11 09:38:03

darkside, shock, shock, shock
But I want to hear the full story ...

abigailj Wed 31-Aug-11 09:42:49

Haha redhotpoker - no 5 is just exactly what I experienced yesterday. You'd think that at 5.30am when they KNOW DC is a terribly light sleeper in the morning people would leave the bathroom door closed to muffle the flush a bit and make an ATTEMPT to sneak quietly around if they do have to go. Better still, as we say in Australia "if it's yellow, let it mellow".

iscream Wed 31-Aug-11 09:46:44

Question. If you visit the same friends several times a year, but they do not visit back, because one of them is quite allergic to cats, is it wrong to continue to visit them?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 31-Aug-11 09:50:40

Just remembered a classic family tale. If your hosts are living in a van whilst they do up their house in rural Ireland, with no electricity/running water, do NOT get up early and merrily wash your waist length hair in the nearby well. It is their only source of drinking water.

dollydoops Wed 31-Aug-11 10:30:07

If your PFB is an EXTREMELY fussy eater, consider bringing with you the food that he will eat, instead of rejecting multiple different food types on his behalf. (We're not talking strange food here- the DC in question was offered a choice of chicken, ham, cheese, bread, salad.) When he finally has a minuscule plateful, do not croon soothingly in his ear "I know it's horrible and you don't like it darling, but try to eat a bit just to be polite." YOU are not polite.

dreamingofsun Wed 31-Aug-11 10:59:42

iscream - ask them and see what reaction you get. we have several families who visit us and we encourage this because we can't visit their houses - 1 has cats, the other lives too near our relatives. we are grateful they visit us

hifi Wed 31-Aug-11 10:59:43

dont arrive and announce you are on a diet where no bread/pasta/potatoes are allowed.

tell your host if one of your children regulary shits the bed.finds it a few days later on top bunk.

obey the no eating rule in living room,finds melted flake on sofa.

do not wear hosts slippers

mousymouse Wed 31-Aug-11 11:09:58

do not wear your usual wooden clogs as slippers as you do at home.
we live on the third floor of an appartment building with wooden floors and the house shakes with your steps.
we have lovely cosy felt slippers you can borrow...

DrewsGirl Wed 31-Aug-11 11:32:57

Please note that every time we visit your house when we leave the room is as we found it except i have stripped the bed, placed it in the washing basket and folded the duvet. Remember this on the day you leave me, when you dont even make the bed, your wet towel is thrown on it and there are a weekends worth of cups and glasses on the bedside table!

ScarletOHaHa Wed 31-Aug-11 11:39:30

Great thread lovelybertha. Can't help thinking that people shouldn't do points 2 to 7 in their own house. wink 'Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying'. - Why?

Please do:
1. Feel free to start your meal whenever
2. Put your feet up (if without shoes/smelly feet)
3. Help yourself to drinks during meal - you have been invited to do so 85 times
4. bring flowers/wine for your hosts
5. At least pay for what you and your greedy boyf ordered when YOU wanted a takeaway. Paying for the entire thing would be even better

Please do NOT
1. Do any of the horrible poo related things noted here - including: do NOT take 40 mins in the bathroom and leave a foul smell when you know I am about to bathe my baby.
2. Moan about cold plates - there are 15 people eating and we are having hot and cold food (salad) on the same plate.
4. Keep saying there is nothing like your own home when you are staying in mine.
5. Read the Sunday paper I have just been out to buy - especially when you want to do so on toilet
6 Bring one bottle of wine and 4 cans and drink them before you drink all of my xmas supply in 2 nights.

ScarletOHaHa Wed 31-Aug-11 11:40:32

DO NOT use my hairbrush

ScarletOHaHa Wed 31-Aug-11 11:49:17

OMG yes dolldoops especially when when said precious dc have eaten the same things a week before. They are not being good/ well behaved if they are on the 5th choice of meal - especially if other children are tucking in without a fuss.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 31-Aug-11 12:19:42

Peetle, that is entirely acceptable, and I have been known to do the same. It's a world away from walking in, criticising the music as the first thing you say (so not "thanks for having us", then), and then actually changing the CD.

TBH the entire visit was horrific, lest that sound petty, but it doesn't translate to a set of rules.

Loved reading some of these.
Now to add a few of my own:

1) If you do have to sleep on the dining room floor in a sleeping bag, please wear a dressing gown when you get up. Especially if you sleep in just your Y-Fronts. No matter how well endowed you are, I really don't want to see it first thing in the morning.

2) If you wet the bed please tell us so we can change it. We won't be mad, we know you've got problems (although wearing a pad would be considerate) and it give us a chance to rescue the mattress before it's ruined.

3)Don't just hand your cup to the hostess when she walks by. She's not a bloody waitress.

4)If the hostess has to spend time at the hospital with a sick baby, don't get the arse baceuse she's not at your beck and call for a lift home. In her own car. Using her own petrol. When you have a six figure bank account.

Going down the Co-op is fine. I don't mind. Really. But when you buy loads of food which we don't routinely eat, please don't buy it, stick it in my fridge and then go home having failed to eat it. Not only do I struggle getting my own stuff in, I have to work through your leftovers.

When your hosts child has thrown a complete tantrum at the dinner table, refused to eat any of their dinner (which they normally like) and has been asked to leave the table due to behaving like a wolverine, do not follow child to the sofa and start sneaking them cookies by hiding them under the sofa cushions. They were not eating because they are tired, not hungry and are in a bad mood. Now they have a sugar rush and it is bed time.

Also when your host's child is in time out, don't use this as an opportunity to make polite conversation with them. It is annoying.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 31-Aug-11 14:44:07

grin at 'behaving like a wolverine'

dollydoops Wed 31-Aug-11 14:57:19

Do not look aghast at a picture on the wall, before asking in ringing tones, "Why have you got THAT on the wall?" When your hosts reply, reasonably, "Because we like it!", do not look surprised and go, "Oh."

(I am guilty of this one blush in my defence I was 11, said picture was a life-size print of a nude girl (photo not arty painting-type) and I had been used to staid pictures of flowers and landscapes at home. Still cringe when I think about it, though grin

A friend of mine told me that being a good hostess meant making your friends / family feel at home when all you wanted them to do was to f off home..grin
but still some to take the biscuit

Take the last bananna out of the fruit bowl and feed the whole thing to your child while your host's child is asking for some too.
Hand the host the full breakfast with all the trimmings back saying 'actually I have my eggs cooked on both sides' !!
Look through your host's cupboards for something to eat after just been given a full breakfast.
Make yourself extra toast with marmalade leaving a mess and never asking if anyone else wants some.
See that there is only one teabag left and say "I'm having that then"
Lay across the kitchen sofa when there are 3 other people to accomodate.
Smoke in the hosts spare room / bathroom. Fag stubs float!!!

Phew I think I need to --have a drink --calm down

Do not loudly announce 'Your cat is dead' at your hosts. It scares them.

(In all fairness DeathCat3 does have legs that stick out at odd angles when he lies on his back and his body does appear to be swollen with the gases of decomposition, but really!).

JosieRosie Wed 31-Aug-11 15:13:07

Love this thread grin

Please do not:

- arrive with one £2.99 bottle of wine and then proceed to drink about 2 bottles worth of (your host's) wine every night of your 3-night stay
- use your host's laptop for up to 5 hours at a time in the living room
- leave your boots in front of the front door every day, placed perfectly for host to almost break her neck on
- leave all your nutritional supplements all over the
bloody kitchen worktop
- block the toilet and then go out for the afternoon
- buy a pudding for dinner (after being asked to, this is the same houseguest who drank us out of house and home for 3 days) and then laughingly crow about how it only cost a quid shock

And my personal favourite (not):
- don't phone your (daughter) host at 10pm the night before you are due to arrive for a 4 night stay to announce you will be staying with your sister-in-law instead, and not even acknowledge that this might put your host out somewhat. Your host and her DP spent days cleaning, shopping, menu-planning, baking brownies, making up beds, booking time off work and steeling themselves emotionally for your visit. That was a pretty awful thing to do sad

HMTheQueen Wed 31-Aug-11 15:19:08

Sorry, but grin at deathcat


sorry, another grin at deathcat.
pictures please

EndoplasmicReticulum Wed 31-Aug-11 16:10:36

I like "behaving like a wolverine". I know exactly what you mean.

NoWuckingFurries Wed 31-Aug-11 16:41:39

When staying for the weekend and going out for a fancy dinner, do not offer to pay for the wine, proceed to order two £60 bottles of wine especially when the £20 one would have more than sufficed and then fail to stump up any cash, including tip you tight bastards leaving the host and hostess to pay for a meal that then costs almost two month's worth of food shopping. This actually happened to my DSis but I was still shock as it was a close family member.

DutchGirly Wed 31-Aug-11 17:09:35

Do not invite over 15 people over for a party in the house where you're a guest. Especially when the hostess has given birth to her first baby 5 days earlier and had almost no sleep.

Do not organise another party 5 days later when politely asked not to invite people to the house where you're a guest, it may result in the visitors being told to politely piss off so the hostess can get some sleep, breast feed her baby or get a shower.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef Wed 31-Aug-11 17:22:24

The culprit here is my brother.

Don't arrange to go to your mum's for Sunday lunch at 1pm with your new girlfriend, then turn up at 4pm without a phone call or explanation. You'll find it particularly rankles when you're staying in a hotel half a mile from your mum's house and could have turned up at any time.

When your stepfather then gently remonstrates with you about how lunch has gone dry on the stove and you're being a bit rude, don't pitch a full 'I don't need another father' hissy fit and storm out, then refuse to speak to either of them. You're 30, FFS, and there's no need to behave like a teenager.

<exasperated older sis emoticon>

GreatNorksOfFire Wed 31-Aug-11 17:35:47

Do not keep sneaking off to the loo to snort great big lines of coke. You will just sound like a boring fecker when you come back. And if you have to take cocaine when at friends for a quiet dinner, then you probably have quite a serious habit <judgy>

limetrees Wed 31-Aug-11 17:36:33

This is truly shocking. I thought my BIL was a rare breed exhibiting this kind of behaviour!

limetrees Wed 31-Aug-11 17:36:55

In fact, I wonder how many of these my BIL is responsible for grin

GreatNorksOfFire Wed 31-Aug-11 17:53:08

Not me, but it happened to someone I know.

Do not house sit at your brother's small holding and then sell all of the produce and keep all of the proceeds, finish off every last item in the fridge,freezer and cupboards and then bugger off before your brother gets back home.

excellent, my favourite ranty topic.

rule no 1: when you come to stay with your family, pack some stuff. Don't arrive with NOTHING and say 'oh we'll just borrow yours'. Don't assume we have spare waterproof jackets, wellies, gloves, car seats, swimming costumes, for all of you.

And my favourite: when your children get up, you get up. Don't shove them out of the bedroom for us to look after, and go back to sleep for two more hours. And no, it's not cool to say 'I'm going to take a nap' while I am slaving in the kitchen cooking your roast dinner.

mamadoc Wed 31-Aug-11 18:01:16

When staying for one night please consider whether it is really necessary to bring your two hairy dogs and ........a tortoise! (I'm sorry but I don't accept that your adult son is incapable of being left in charge of the dogs let alone a hibernating reptile!)

If you must bring said menagerie please respect that your host does not share your relaxed attitude to dog hair, muddy paws and doggy saliva especially around her baby. Please don't assume it is ok for your dogs to sleep on my spare bed or the sofa.

It is unnecessary to bring left over food with you! If you didn't want to eat an enormous marrow and some limp lettuce what makes you think I will!

From the guests point of view:
Don't smile and think how helpful your guests are if they keep offering to go in the kitchen and make tea. They're most likely slipping extra tea bags in the teapot because your tea looks like well diluted wee.

If your dog sits next to the guest and slips out a particularly toxic fart, don't be offended if they stand up and come out with something along the lines of "bloody hell he's let one". There is always the possibility that it actually was the dog.

MotherOfHobbit Wed 31-Aug-11 20:14:44

Lol! I started looking at this thread wondering what I might have inadvertently done to offend someone but no longer concerned. Wow, where do you all find these people?

nowwearefour Wed 31-Aug-11 20:24:56

- Do not announce from the other side of the world that you are coming to stay for a bit and need picking up at an airport not very near to your house when you have two v v small children at an inconvenient time.
- Do not stay for four months and refuse to listen to any hints until an explicit request to leave is issued.
- Notice when your hosts are trying to sell their house and you are cramping the entire place up with your stuff
- When you offer money towards food, it is refused if you are staying for say up to a week. If you planned to stay for months and go out to work, maybe say so or insist on paying.
- When your hosts go on holiday do not empty the entire contents of the freezer instead of bothering to buy any food of your own
- When a family member has a life threatening illness when you are staying it might be considered rude if you never ever ask whether that person is still alive or not after you move out
- A thank you of some kind for living for FOUR MONTHS uninvited in someone else's house might have been appreciated. a note, chocolates, bottle of wine or SOMETHING
- Never being in contact again seems rather rude (although you wont be allowed back i am quite sure!)

Tattyhead78 Wed 31-Aug-11 21:32:13

This is so funny! I have only got halfway through the thread (I need new glasses and can't see very well), but you have been very unlucky with your houseguests, it's opened my eyes. Having said that, I really hate it when people foray into the kitchen to make their own tea, because then they will discover that perhaps everything isn't quite as clean and tidy as it appears on the surface... Anyway, that's just me, they obviously mean well. Funnily enough, I have a regular guest who stayed with us a couple of times for a couple of weeks (and at other times for shorter periods of time). When she stayed for longer I was quite happy to let her discover the secrets of my kitchen. Perhaps I was secretly hoping this would put her off staying any longer... Anyway, she still visits me and always brings a thoughtful gift, compliments me on a nicely cooked meal etc., so perhaps my kitchen isn't that bad...

ScarletOHaHa Wed 31-Aug-11 21:49:11

Tattyhead78, your visitor sounds lovely. Where are the thoughtless nutters?

TheArmadillo Wed 31-Aug-11 21:52:52

don't puke on the sofa and then use a tea towel to cover it before leaving.

Your hosts housemates will not be impressed having to clear it up when they return from work especially as by that point it will have been there for over 12 hours and be stinking the place out.

AllieZ Wed 31-Aug-11 21:57:00

It's amazing (and disgusting) what some people do in other people's house.
However, having read through all the 10 pages at a go I have to point out that posters are often complaining about the same thing equally divided pro and contra:
~ don't look into cupboards/find and make drinks for yourself;
~ contribute to food/don't bring food;
~ ask before you touch something/don't pester me, you are old enough to figure it out;

Someone here was complaining about guests leaving "food they don't eat" in the fridge after leaving "cluttering it up". Well, throw it out! Or better, you could try eating new things you don't normally eat?

Also as regards pets: I don't like cats very much but this in itself wouyld not prevent me from going somewhere: probably because my brother, who likes cats, understands that i don't, so when I stay with him the cat is not allowed into my room; and btw his cat isn't allowed into his bedroom either and is encouraged to stay in the kitchen and garden. So knowing that you have cats would not deter me - but having them jump into beds, settees and insisting on sitting on my lap would. So, shall I clarify before visiting you? As in "do you understand that cats are animals and keep them as ones, or do you mistake them for children?" This apart from the fact that you can say that "my pets live here, you don't" but for most people people are more important than animals...

All in all, it seems to me that many people here play host to guests they don't want to have at all: why don't you just say no? I only have guests whom I want to have.

ellisbell Wed 31-Aug-11 22:09:08

tomorrow I shall come and read the whole thread but AllieZ some "guests" find it very difficult to take no for an answer. We have guests who invited themselves, insisted on coming when when told several dates were inconvenient and did quite a few of the things mentioned in a few posts I have read. We've moved now and they don't have our new address smile

cherrysodalover Wed 31-Aug-11 22:10:45

Don't offer to take your hosts out for dinner and then leave it so late that only a takeaway is an option-wow the strategies of the cheapskates!
Don't expect an airport run for your friends who you have turned up with when you have your own hire car and have been offered the satnav. Your hosts have a baby to put to bed after they have cooked for you.
Don't wait for your hosts to step forward to pay for stuff that they take you to do at the weekend.

Thanks for the therapy!

AllieZ, I think you're over-analysing this thread. Many people have said these awful people have not been allowed back or haven't come back - there's no way of knowing how people will behave!

I don't think the purpose of this thread is to discuss the issue; it's more a fun way of sharing experiences had and getting frustrations off the posters chest as such. I myself have read through and played out my own reaction in my head to each situation, but it would change the flavour of the thread for me to respond as such. DD1 and I have been reading through aghast at all these disgusting people!

Thankfully I've not had any bad experiences so far in life. Having said that, I've just watched my poor parents have some very much loved relatives come over from Canada for 6 weeks. It was my Great Auntie and Great Uncle. We are all very close, but the uncle took a lot of patience to live with and it left my parents utterly exhausted as they are getting on a bit and not in good health themselves, bless them!

When the host has spent ages cooking a lovely roast for 9 people, and after 2 bites your PFB DD asks 'whats for pudding' tell them to eat their dinner and see if there's something else and then proceed to eat from your child's plate because hosts DS has told them there's chocolate gateaux and your DD really wants it. and then praise your DD for eating so well. hmm

You may find host does adult coffees after whilst children are chucked in the garden hungry and the gateux is served in front of a DVD some hours later. <wicked emotion> Mean yes, but I could fill this thread about this particular visitee. grin

Do not go into hosts room 20 seconds after their baby wakes screaming and tell them to 'get up and deal with their child'. mum.

Oh and then the next day after lack of sleep when you've had a lie-in whilst host takes DS out so you can, then offer to watch DS for an hour whilst host has a quick tidy up. <Mum there's a reason I found you a nice villa to rent when you visited after this!>

Do not turn up to someones house for a meal, you know will be served at 1pm, at 12.30pm with a load of sweets and give them to children to eat straightaway. Host will look like bitchmum for refusing her DS the sweets, your DC will tantrum as you've whipped their sweets away from them and then when they get them back for stropping the host will be doubly pissed off when the food lovingly cooked is uneaten due to large bag of Haribo inhaled 1/2 hour previously. It will not make a nice atmosphere or ensure you a revite.

I have lot's of lovely friends now who would never/ have never been bad guests - just took a while to whittle out the pisstakers.

Great thread btw. grin

ScarletOHaHa Wed 31-Aug-11 22:15:42

I can't say no to guests because my husband lives here too and has a say. We live many miles away from our home town and it is too far to travel there to here in a day.

Eglu Wed 31-Aug-11 22:24:51

I've not had any houseguests who are anywhere near this. Can I bethe first to vote for this going into classics.

Isla77 Wed 31-Aug-11 22:25:18

Do not ask your hostess if she could kindly cook you (my brother - in - law) a full english breakfast with orange juice to start and toast and marmalade and tea to finish at 13.00 hours on Christmas Day when you have just emerged from the bed she kindly let you sleep in and she is right in the middle of cooking the christmas dinner for you, mother - in - law, other brother - in -law, DH (who is helping by the way) herself and three very hyper children under the age of 5. Oh - and when your hostess declines this requests and tells you to make tea and toast for yourself but nothing else as both ovens and every ring on the cooker are in use do not go and tell your mother that hostess is being mean to you! Yes, this did happen to me and I think I might have murdered youngest brother - in - law if DH had not backed me up.

Laquitar Wed 31-Aug-11 22:30:44

If you are visiting from abroad stop fucking moan about the rain. You knew Britain is rainy before you come, we don't have to apologize every 5 min for not providing you sunshine in October hmm

Stop slagging off the country and its people, we lived in it half of our lives, half off our friends are British and ditto our dcs so it is very insulting.

Laquitar Wed 31-Aug-11 22:34:07

Oh and another one

Heathrow and Gatwick are not just at the corner so i cant just pop 5 minutes (with 3 dcs) to collect you.

I was just thinking that Eglu - how does one go about doing that?!?

Yeah classics definatly. Another who doesn't know how to request this.

Oh another.

When host has laid a table with drinks for everyone, and is serving up what people want <going around with each item and dispensing to yes!>, and your DD, 8yo ffs, asks for another drink and is told yes, when I've served up.

Either make her one yourself or stop her asking every 5 seconds for one until it's made. <makes asking people if they want x very difficult> Alternatively if you don't do this don't make out the host is evil for telling your DD that she's said yes but needs to wait whilst dinner is served.
She WILL NOT dehydrate - I can ensure you.

Oh and removing the sobbing girl from the table, to the sofa for 'cuddles' and ignoring host when she's asking what they want will make you look like a bit of a twat.

Empusa Wed 31-Aug-11 22:53:56

You can report the thread and recommend it for classics.

AllieZ I can safely say that none of the nightmare houseguests I've ever had the pleasure of dealing with ever got invited back. And wouldn't have been invited at all if we'd have been psychic known in advance.

Not sure those whose family members have been problems have that luxury.

You can't really blame the hosts for the behaviour of their guests.

Done - first time!

As you were... winksmile

NumptyMum Wed 31-Aug-11 23:25:04

Good lord, this makes me glad that I am currently in a home to small to have any guests (seriously - we have the children in cupboards as it is).

maybells Wed 31-Aug-11 23:44:18

to not use my lovely white Egyptian cotton towels to remove the inch thick orange foundation you have slapped all over your face. how about using make up remover or even soap and water!
also adding to that how about not leaving every bit of cutlery you have used for 4 days in the sink to fester so mug i can wash it all up when i return from holiday!

DogMatic Wed 31-Aug-11 23:59:22

Don't tell your hosts on the phone that the only reason you are visiting is to see the children and not you.

Don't bring tons of sweets for the children when your host has told you loads of times that they are trying to stop the dcs eating sweets so much.

Do shower.

Don't tell your hosts that you must come to stay every month and that you will help out and that you are great house guests if it's a big fat lie. You could make a cup of tea, put cups in sink etc.

Do give your hosts some space and stop following them around telling the same old storiess you've been telling for years. If your host is randomly wandering around the garden they are attempting to have a break from you, so don't follow. Try to converse rather than just wait for an opportunity to tell another storey.

Don't talk with your mouth full all the time and then get cross with the children for poi ting it out.

Don't tell the children off for crimes that your hosts don't have an issue with, they are their parents not you and putting too much cereal on their spoons isn't a big deal.

Don't tell the children that their mother is wrong and that it is ok to eat with your fork up, it's not.

Don't leave piles of newspapers, magazines, crap all over the house.

Do put clean sheets on the bed on the rare occasion that your host comes to stay with you.

saffronwblue Thu 01-Sep-11 00:17:59

Do not answer our phone when my elderly anxious uncle rings, and flirtatiously make him guess who he is speaking to!

theginganinja Thu 01-Sep-11 00:39:42

Don't piss on my sofa, that's all I ask. And yes I really have had a guest who pissed on my sofa, luckily not my current sofa.

LineRunner Thu 01-Sep-11 01:42:49

Don't expect me to pay the train ticket you'll need to fuck off out of my town.

5moreminutes Thu 01-Sep-11 07:26:05

Don't insist on coming to stay for 2 weeks "to help" after your hostess has had a c-section, when actually you intend to sit on the sofa holding the hostesses new baby, declining to hand him back to visibly unhappy hostess after a reasonable cuddle and demanding instead that hostess brings you cups of tea made to your very precise specification, and does house work that you feel you are there to pint out need doing (mother)

Do not say you don't mind what we have for lunch then complain that provided pasta lunch is "too heavy, I thought we'd just have a few bits and pieces" (what does that even mean mother)

Don't think that staying in the kitchen for 5 mins after dinner on the last night of your 2 week stay and pushing the plates and everything else into the middle of the table and then sitting down in the living room and saying "I tidied up a bit but I don't know what you usually do about the dishwasher" is helpful, and makes up for the 2 weeks of your stay during which you have sat on your bum - we usually pack it, is what we usually do with it...

Do not complain you don't like my friends and ask me to drive you to other multiple destinations of your choice to buy yourself some new clothes and other items when I have a friend coming over to see me during your long stay, and I am not really meant to be driving yet post c-section.

and one that is not my mother...

Do not assume your hostess, who has a small baby whom she has mentioned wakes for several night feeds, will be happy to supervise your small children every morning for your 6 night stay, from 6am to 9am while you sleep in, on the basis hostess's kids are up too. Especially when your kids fight constantly between themselves and whine a lot, seem to be incapable of dressing themselves and going out into the garden with hostess's small children despite being similar ages, and have fussy and complex breakfast requirements.

IsItMeOr Thu 01-Sep-11 08:03:39

You poor, poor hosts.

I'm troubled though. Does everybody agree with AllieZ's view on pets? Our cat is allowed to roam freely through the house and sleep where she likes. If we have guests, I shut the door to the spare room so that she can't get in. If they're daft enough to leave the door open, seems to me that's there own lookout if they find her sleeping on the bed...

I didn't realised that our failure to restrict her to the kitchen and garden meant that we were somehow insufficiently valuing any potential visitors.

I thought that lots of people treated their pets as surrogate children and, frankly, so what?

Empusa Thu 01-Sep-11 08:09:27

Anyone that comes to ours knows we have pets, and if they have a problem with the pets acting as if (shock horror) they live there, then they are totally welcome not to stay.

Did give one guest the option of sleeping in the living room as the rats cages were in the spare room, but they chose the spare room and to complain to mutual friends that we made them stay in there.

AWimbaWay Thu 01-Sep-11 08:13:18

IsItMeOr, I love cats but am allergic, they make me sneezy, itchy eyed and in some cases wheezy. I can cope during the day if I can head outside if I'm getting bad but would not be able to sleep in a bed that had cat hair on it and would even find it uncomfortable in a room with cat hair on the carpets keeping everyone awake with my sneezing and coughing. However I agree if my host had hoovered prior to my arrival and shut the door to the bedroom it would be up to me to ensure the door was kept shut. Also I'm perfectly aware that it is my choice to stay at a house with cats so I really need to shut up and put up, however I do find most of my friends make an effort to accommodate me as we enjoy spending time together.

5moreminutes Do we have the same mother. grin

jojane Thu 01-Sep-11 09:11:19

Regular house guest no1


Put your labels and random bits of paper in the bin

Put used baby bottles in the kitchen, the coffee table doesn't look good with the previous 24 hrs worth of bottles on it

Keep bags closed and tidy in a corner, NOT hsand bag spilling over the sofa, changing bag spilling across the floor and various plastic bags full of random crap everywhere

If I say we need to go out at 11am that doesn't mean decide to start straightening your hair at 11am, yes you have a baby to get ready but so do I plus a 3 year old and a 4 year old and anyway you were the same before baby

Regular houseguest no2

Don't whip kids up into a screaming hyper frenzy 5 min before bedtime

Don't feed kids sweets 5 min before teatime

Don't eat food I was going to use for tea, I mean who eats several large carrots as a snack??

Don't announce that you think we should go camping - that very day and then get stroppy when we explain the logistics and planning of going anywhere with 3 small children - especially a 5 month baby, plus nights in april are freezing!!

Regular Houseguest no3
Please please please please teach no 1 and no 2 how to be a good house guest although doing 2 loads of washing, hoovering and feeding, washing and dressing several small children before the hosts have even got up is probably beyond their capabilities!!!!

privateprancer Thu 01-Sep-11 09:11:27

- do not complain about how late we eat if you have been sitting watching TV whilst I bath & put the kids to bed and prepare everyone a nice meal

- do not offer to cook a meal but leave all the dirty pans for me to wash up

- do not lie in until 11.30 then get a bit annoyed when I say I can't go out straight away because the kids will need their lunch at 12. Especially annoying when they have been cooped up in the house all morning waiting for you to get up

ScarletOHaHa Thu 01-Sep-11 09:37:06

Guest 1 If one of your DC has...
1. Been very fussy or on hunger strike until you give them sweets instead of meals meaning they will not sit at the table like everyone else
2. Keeps the house knee deep in toys and NEVER tidies up
3. Acted like a complete banshee and will not listen to instructions such as 'please do not jump off the table you will hurt yourself and it is very silly/'
4. Taken a small bite of every piece of fruit and helped themselves to treats from a locked cupboard;
- do not say to the host's DC 'you will be' in response to 'I'm sorry' for standing on something YOU left on the floor.

Guest 2 If your host has kindly stayed in the same bedroom as your children because they get up 10 times a night and if you get up at lunchtime instead of taking over at breakfast ( as agreed), it may be nice to say thanks and not disappear back upstairs to paint nails etc instead of feeding YOUR kids lunch.

storminateacup10 Thu 01-Sep-11 10:44:19

DocDuck oh yes...I feel your pain! happened to me too- had just gone from BF to expressing due to horrendous mastitis and MIL from hell descended on us when DD aged 8 weeks- she didn't help out once, only criticized every aspect of bottle feeding - was totally insensitive to fact that I was quite saddened to not be able to Bf any more and kept literally snatching DD away from me to feed her. Could have fucking killed her.
This thread is brilliant.

pinkhyena Thu 01-Sep-11 11:07:31

I can't believe some of these they are truely shocking! Fortunately due to the size of our place we've only ever had people stay for one night maximum but mine would be:

1. If you're coming for dinner please don't do the washing up-you are our guests and we really don't expect you to. By all means help clear the table but doing all the washing up and putting it away makes me feel like a bad hostess. Especially when you so adamently refuse to let me reciprocate when at your house. Other than this you're welcome anytime because you are lovely people :D

2. (Different guest) If you need to use the toilet please refrain from pissing all over the floor then leaving it for the hostess to clear it up.

3. Additionally if you are visiting either just for the evening or crashing on our sofa it would be polite to shower in the weeks days beforehand. Having to air out the entire flat on your departure is not a pleasant thing to have to do.

4. (DH was still living at home at this point and IL's had been away on holiday for a week) If someone (me) has taken the time to scrub your kitchen clean ready for your arrival home a simple 'thank you' would be nice rather than a scornful look that indicates it clearly isn't up to your Hyacinth Bucket standards.

These aren't me but my parent's and IL's experiences:

5. If you are visiting your old friends from the other side of the country for 2 weeks don't sit on the sofa refusing to go anywhere or help out, it's rude and makes the hosts feel like they can't do anything themselves.

6. Do not get drunk and throw up all over the bathroom, miraculously missing the toilet completely then leave it for the hostess to clean up (my poor mum).

7. If visiting from abroad at least give an estimate of the time or even day of your arrival. While it is appreciated that it is going to be a rather last minute flight it's unfair to make the hosts put everything on hold for over a week on the possibility you'll need picking up from the airport.

8. At a party do not eat all the hosts specially bought cheese and drink his (hidden) expensive brandy before anyone else has had a look in then complain when there isn't any more.

Lastly this one is for me because i'm really bad at it:

9. Always remove your shoes when entering someones home. Just because you grew up in a house that was very lax on this doesn't mean everyone shares the same view.

pinkhyena Thu 01-Sep-11 11:12:31

Oh! I just remembered another one:

10. When visiting either at a party or just as a family do not be an antisocial git and sit watching sports the whole time or make your entire family leave early so you can get home to watch the boxing (ex-uncle).

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 11:18:45

Do not leave your handbreak off and let your car knock down the neighbour's wall. (Although that one was quite funny, for me and dc)

When your hostess gets an urgent phonecall to go and help a friend in the village with an urgent childcare/illness problem, do not attempt to go along to 'help'. This is an elaborate reciprocal arrangement that we use to get some time out from our mothers when they visit us.

Do not preface every single statement with, 'sorry'. The dc and I count how many times you do it.

Do not criticise that my neighbours have lovely gardens and therefore they must have 'nothing better to do'. If you really must satisfy your urge to criticise, read the Daily Mail.

Do not criticise me for buying the Daily Mail. I only ever buy it when you visit so that you can find something to criticise that does not involve me, dc or my friends.

Do not criticise dh for not being around to help with dc. He only plays golf when you visit, for obvious reasons.

If you are going to park yourself in my house for days on end, please bring my father, so that at least he can take you out for the odd walk to give us a break. Although he probably sees your visits to me as his 'break', so I guess we have to share the burden.

Do not expect me to fall back in horror when you tell me which sons of your friends are homosexual. I don't find it horrifying, I don't want to talk about which ones played with my dolls. Please refer to my previous comment about reading the Daily Mail which I have helpfully bought for you.

Please do not criticise me for being 'too thin'. I think that your only regret that I am a healthy weight is that you can not tell me that I am 'broad in the beam', which you said to me when I was 16 and you are bloody lucky that I did not develop an eating disorder.

and please, please do not then describe your visit as 'helping Jemima out'.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 11:23:50

Do not criticise me for smoking. I am not smoking a cigarette, I am smoking cannabis to ease the pain of listening to your stories that begin with 'I'll make you laugh'. I don't smoke it much but I do when you plonk yourself on me.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 11:26:12

Do not offer to cook. I had quite enough of your version of cooking when I was growing up.

Do not complain when dh gives you a gin and tonic that is too strong. He does it in order to knock you out. I have restrained him from adding a ground up zopiclone on the basis that you had a heart problem years ago and it might actually kill you.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 11:27:38

When I give you a list of local open gardens and national trust properties, I am trying to get you out of the house. And no, the dc do not wish to go with you. We want to confer about our counting how many times you say 'sorry' game.

(Somebody stop me)

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 11:28:39

Do not turn your back to me in the kitchen when I have a frying pan in my hand.

DrewsGirl Thu 01-Sep-11 11:30:42

5moreminutes - i posted a few pages back about my mum 'helping' after a csection. i also drove before i should and even when she did offer to drive i had to carry the baby in the car seat because she couldnt manage him!!

DrewsGirl Thu 01-Sep-11 11:32:55

Jemima - Sounds like you need this wine Now breathe

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 11:39:23

Thanks, DrewsGirl. I love having houseguests for a weekend, and (even though I love it, and pretend that we are running a bed and breakfast) I also love it when they leave, having given them a lovely time. I don't really mind what they do, as long as they only stay for a maximum of 3 nights. My mother appears to think that she has unlimited access to my house.

The blessed joy is that my brother has started to have children so she can piss off to them. And argue with my brother's mil, who also seems to have taken up residence (although she is a bit of a love and a wonderful cook).

HeavyHeidi Thu 01-Sep-11 11:42:37

I have 3 cats and 2 big dogs. I warn all the guests about this, several times. I also ask if people have allergies and then suggest that we meet/stay somewhere else.
So coming over anyway and then declaring, that you assumed that I will keep the "animals" outside during the visit is not the greatest idea. They are pets, not livestock. (keeping them off the guest bed is a reasonable request, that's why the guest bedroom has a door that can be closed).

privateprancer Thu 01-Sep-11 11:42:52

grin jemima

privateprancer Thu 01-Sep-11 11:51:02

I always thought I'd hate running a B&B but actually, I might as well, and also at least you get paid for it and all you have to provide is a bed and breakfast - no lunch, no evening meal, no sight-seeing, no endless bottles of wine. I've realised it's costing me an absolute fortune the amount of guests we have (as much as I love having them wink)

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 12:00:11

Her main occupation is ending world poverty. Which puts me in a odd philosophical position of dreading the end of world poverty, because she would have nothing better to do than parking herself here.

PercyPigPie Thu 01-Sep-11 12:05:13

privateprancer do they not invite you back?

privateprancer Thu 01-Sep-11 12:10:02

a lot live near our parents so if we go 'home' we have to stay with them, others don't have kids & live in flats so no room for us all. We live by the seaside so that's why everyone flocks over!

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 12:13:15

Living by the seaside is a killer.

privateprancer Thu 01-Sep-11 12:18:42

it sure is. We don't have time to do return visits because all our weekends are booked up with people coming to stay grin

AllieZ Thu 01-Sep-11 12:19:48

I still don't quite understand the "I can't say 'no'" part, sorry (though I do understand that most of these rude guests were probably not invited back. But I think someone brough the example of a guest whom their DH had met 15 years before in another country or college? Why on earth would you go into putting someone like that up? Also: I have drawn people aside on the 2nd day and told them outspokenly that they will be expected to use the toilet brush after themselves or either get up for breakfast or miss it. They took it on board (one by leaving the following day but that was fine, too).

Even amongst the posts since yesterday some people complain that guests don't wash up - while someone says don't do it, you make me feel like a bad hostess. Guests can't be mind readers, you know.

As for pets, maybe I did not express my point well. What I meant to say was that knowing that your host has pets gives almost no information because people have pets "on a scale" of what said pets are allowed to do. One of my ex colleagues has 2 springer spaniels that never enter the house. They are kept outside all the time. This does not mean she and her huband don't like them, don't play with them, take them for walks, take them to be clipped etc. But they don't want them in the house. Full stop. I also know someone whose labrador is allowed iun the house but only downstairs and never on any furniture. My mother's cocker spaniel was allowed anywhere but the sitting room, that was a dog-free zone thinking of visitors who might not like dogs. In other words before visiting you I need more info than the fact that you have a dog and 2 cats: I need to know how you keep them: whether I'll find cats in my bed or whether I will be expected to put up with a cat jumping onto my lap if I sit down onto the settee. (One time I visited a friend, sat down in an armchair and a male cat jumped on my lap and started vigorously licking his privates. Ugh.)

ScarletOHaHa Thu 01-Sep-11 12:24:41

AllieZ - would you really say no to your in laws, siblings, DH's best friend?

Blackduck Thu 01-Sep-11 12:34:26

Blimey, you are a guest, you are not paying, I see no need to give you chapter and verse on my pet keeping habits. If you can't handle being around animals don't come to stay....simple.....

LindsayWagner Thu 01-Sep-11 12:38:24

I'm scared of AllieZ.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 12:47:27

(I think that I might know privateprancer; were you ever part of the 'make emergency phonecalls to avoid mother club? We had a rota)

bigbadbarry Thu 01-Sep-11 12:51:17

AllieZ I don't want people to wash up if they have come for dinner or one night. I don't even want them to make their own hot drinks or open my fridge - in fact, I dont' want them to step inside the kitchen unless they are chatting to me. More than 24 hours, you move to long-term resident status and are expected to muck in a bit smile

privateprancer Thu 01-Sep-11 12:53:58

no jugglingjemima but can I join please? grin

When your hostess gets an urgent phonecall to go and help a friend in the village with an urgent childcare/illness problem, do not attempt to go along to 'help'. This is an elaborate reciprocal arrangement that we use to get some time out from our mothers when they visit us. grin

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 13:08:29

@privateprancer: You need at least 5 in or you get in danger of being accused of Munchasens.

5moreminutes Thu 01-Sep-11 13:10:46

hello youarekidding , drewsgirl and Jemima! wine and fellow feeling to all of you! I want to join your mother avoidance phone call club too please!
My mothers sins were committed after the birth of dc2, I more recently had number 3 (also a section) and made it clear dh qas taking time off work this time, no help was needed and my parents would be welcome to come over together to meet dc3, but would be more comfortable in a guest house smile They are not badly off and can well afford to stay elsewhere. Sounds mean but it was slightly less painful and means we are still speaking! My mother still insists on going home and informing my sisters, who live locally to her so never have her as a guest, that she has been over to "help" me with the new baby - but then I am learning that most of what she tells me about her interactions with them is history instantly re-written too...

saffronwblue Thu 01-Sep-11 13:11:39

AlieZ, we were the unfortunate hosts of my husband's youth hostel acquaintance. When he phoned to invite himself, DH told him that FIL was terribly ill, but being a big softie was unable to say - so please do not come. My issue with the guest was that he did not have the sensitivity to realise that this was a bad time to land on people. Oh, and that while waiting for the phone to ring with news from the hospital and entertaining the dcs, I did not have head space to talk about each detail of our guest's trip around Australia. I did not care where he went next or what the forecast was going to be. I also felt sad when he showed me photos of his little DS who it is clear he hardly ever sees.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 13:28:33

The modus operandi (pre-planned) would be that we would reach the point of no return (frying pan in kitchen scenario with the mother daring to turn her back, at which point it gets dangerous; and don't get me started on family 'holidays'), and then would text (to the rota member of the reciprical rescue club) 'call now. NOW!'' Then we would receive an urgent request for some made up disease (preferably involving hospitalisation) and explain to mother that she had to hold the fort (taking dcs with me, because they were clearly accomplices). Then she could have weeded the garden or (another engaging pastime) rearramging my entire kitchen and hiding things like potato peelers according to her whim. I am still finding kitchen implements that she has hidden.

Or read the Daily Mail. I think that my father owes me compensation.

perfumedlife Thu 01-Sep-11 13:36:28

I love having houseguests and was pleasantly surprised how easy it was living with my mil for a week, once we got over the 'pleasantries' stage. The only thing I don't care for is when she gets up from the breakfast table and thanks me for a great fry up, takes her Express and her rollies and announces she is off to the loo to say goodbye to said breakfast. I don't really need to know.

Had a friend and her latest bf stay last year, he drank a litre of vodka, fought with everyone and then wet my brand new feather mattress on the spare bed. Also broke the shower door and didn't mention it. Fessed up about the bed then started to drink beer at the breakfast table. Friend offered to have it dry cleaned but I put it in the bin. He won't be asked back.

mousymouse Thu 01-Sep-11 13:45:12

why is she hiding kitchen implements? does she disapprove of potatoe peelers?

Peetle Thu 01-Sep-11 13:47:10

And when we visit you:

Making your granddaughter sit on a towel in the utility room to eat a biscuit to avoid getting crumbs on your precious carpet is weird.

Then again, getting something to eat or drink at your house is a minor miracle so we should be grateful.

(a couple of years previously) making me feed said granddaughter out of a jar, in her buggy in said utility room while you and a couple of my aunts and cousins sat down to a nice Christmas dinner in the dining room (no place for either of us I might add) is weirder. However, I did get to admire the (spectacular) cake made by my ex-pastry chef cousin (though I didn't get a slice) so that's alright then.

Saying "she wants a wallop" when either of your granddaughters is kicking off is not helpful. She probably wants her lunch anyway, or has detected some tension in the atmosphere as we are made to feel we are bringing a pair of Tasmanian Devils to visit the Queen Mother. They're not always angels but they are 4 so make some allowances.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 13:55:55

I have no idea about the potato peelers. I have resorted to keeping one in my handbag and and one in my knicer draw. I think it was/is an attenpt to start a conversation. Who knows?

bigbadbarry Thu 01-Sep-11 14:15:25

My MIL hides my potato peeler too!

Naoko Thu 01-Sep-11 14:19:20

No, inlaws, you cannot come to stay and bring DP's brother too. This is a small two bedroom house. It has one single guest bed, in the study. Which I need access to even while you're here, and thus the fact that you bring everything and the kitchen sink, plus a spare kitchen sink just in case, for a one night stay is not helpful. There is no room for three of you unless you wish for two of you to sleep on the floor of the living room, which I know you don't. Go to a B&B, you can afford it and it will massively reduce the chances of me strangling anyone. DP's brother can stay here, as there is only one of him and thus the guest bed is proper accomodation. Also he's actually good company.

When you descend on aforementioned small two bedroom house with five people, don't suddenly 'suggest' that I will make everyone lunch. I don't mind, but if I'm making lunch for 7 people instead of just me and DP, I'd like more than 10 minutes notice so I can make sure there's somewhere for everyone to sit, and enough food in the fridge.

If I look a bit taken aback at said 'suggestion', and you offer to help, that does not mean one of you helps while the other 4 sit on their arses. Oh, sorry, two of you helped. Except all the second did was destroy my favourite pan. Yes, I had to replace it. No, it wasn't salvageable. No, I'm not happy.

Don't move the furniture without asking if it's alright. I don't go round to your house and move the furniture. Hell, I don't even go round to your house and move a coaster to put my drink on, because you'll have a strop.

If you must move the furniture, don't comment on how long it's been since I hoovered under the sofa. If you hadn't moved the damned sofa you'd never have known, would you?

Do not criticise my housekeeping on three points before you've even taken your coat off. In fact, do not criticise my housekeeping full stop, it's really rude.

Do not then put the kettle on, still wearing your coat, while I'm trying to get a grip on my temper so I don't tell you what I really think of your criticism. Go take the coat off and I might offer you a cup of tea, if you'll give me a chance to actually act like a hostess.

Oh this is cathartic!

AllieZ Thu 01-Sep-11 14:25:23

ScarletOHaHa - we give everyone a chance. If they do something they really shouldn't (like leaving skid marks on the toilet or giving a sweet to our dcs after we have said no sweets before dinner etc.), one of us tells him/her immediately in private. This way we don't have to put up with an impossible houseguest for several days or even weeks. As for DH's best friend (from college) after we had to "talk to him in private" twice during the first day, DH himself asked him to leave. He moved to a nearby B&B for the rest of the week and they spent great time together every day, but we did not have to put up with his toilet- and eating habits any more. We did have one close family member who was unbearable during a weekend visit. We deflected her next 3 attempts to come and stay with us. When the 4th attempt came, we let her back in and she was like an angel and a real help. She had got the message. People can be trained, you know.

Blackduck, you can even have your pets sleep between you and OH in the marital bed, I don't care. I just want to know beforehand whether I will be also expected to sleep with cats.

HeavyHeidi Thu 01-Sep-11 14:27:10

Alliez, sorry but dogs that never enter the house? And they were called pets? shock My PIL-s had dogs like that, but they were rightfully considered working animals, pretty much like horses. Pets, on the other hand, are part of the family and I would not even think about specifying that yes, mine are allowed indoors.
It's like specifying that by the way, I have kids and they are also allowed to enter the sitting room (I know a family where they weren't, sitting room was for guests only, so you never know).

Also, cats are quite unpredictible so I'm pretty sure the host did not exactly know if the cat in question would jump on your lap and lick himself. It's quite ok to push them down though.

Empusa Thu 01-Sep-11 14:33:38

Oh yes, another.

If you have turned up while I am ill and throwing up every few minutes, and the only food I am able to cope with is ginger biscuits (of which I have 1 packet as I'm too ill to get to a shop), do not start offering the biscuits around or helping yourself.

ScarletOHaHa Thu 01-Sep-11 14:35:51

Agreed Alliez however for my own sanity I retort straight away and leave my ILs to my DH. Easier in some cases never to agree to a second visit. I am still be in training phase especially with other how other people fail to discipline their kids.

thinNigella Thu 01-Sep-11 15:17:07

When you have broken up with your long term boyfriend and in desperation for somewhere to go on a new year's eve phone your friend from years back that you haven't spoken to in years and she kindly invites you to her house, please do not get very, very, very drunk. And then realise you have forgotten your pjamas and so make the error decision to sleep, naked, on the sofa instead of the spare bed prepared for you. It shocks the dp of the host. And it's not nice sitting on the sofa afterwards.
If you do in fact, decide to do this, please have the decency not to have enormous breasts - the dp of the host, once recovred from shock, views the host as inadequate in that department.
Very rude.

AllieZ Thu 01-Sep-11 15:30:54

HeavyHeidi, there are people who like dogs but don't want dog hair/drool/dirt-brought-in-on-paws in the house. I can understand this. I lived for years in a foreign country where most people would never think of allowing dogs into the house and not even guide dogs are allowed in places where people eat (e.g. restaurants). (Blind people are helped by staff, dog stays outside.) Mind you, the rate of people in hospital with zoonoses (diseases transferred from animals to people) is virtually zero, which, as I'm sure you know, is not the case in the UK. Said ex colleague was British though.

thinNigella - LOL!

LadyClariceCannockMonty Thu 01-Sep-11 15:43:21

I'll back AllieZ up on the pets outside thing. Someone I know loves cats but is allergic, so keeps them in a plushly appointed shed and run in the garden. Wouldn't be my choice but it works for her.

But, AllieZ, I have to agree with others that if someone is hosting you you're not really in a position to expect a detailed list of all behaviours their pets may or may not exhibit during your visit. Close the guest-room door if you don't want pets in there. And if a cat jumps on your lap and you don't want it there, put it down.

thinNigella Thu 01-Sep-11 15:56:00

oh - also please take your shoes off! I've cleaned up for you to come round so keep it clean !!

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 16:20:43

Perhaps they have investments in the manufacturers of potato peelers?
Why would anyone need more than one in a lifetime, except the mother hiding problem?

AllieZ Thu 01-Sep-11 16:57:40

When said cat started licking its privates on my lap, I gently put it down. I was met with a "oh, poor thing, why did you have to do that?" I couldn't say "because him, licking his balls and d*ck while sitting on my lap makes me want to puke into my coffee", so I politely asked if I could wash my hands and then I left. But I have a friend who was staying at a house where the host shares drinks with cats and my friend was reprimanded for asking for a new cup of tea after the cat jumped on the breakfast table and drank into hers - so obviously even this is normal behaviour for some people and they would be offended and say "my pets live here, you don't", if you don't want a cat to step into the butter on the table. Well, having to sit on a settee covered in cat-hair is the same for me, I don't want cat hair on my clothes, thank you.

JosieRosie Thu 01-Sep-11 17:37:22

Those of you who want guests to remove shoes - doesn't that open up the possibility of finding out that your guests have less scrupulous foot hygiene than you do? shock <heaves>

AllieZ, my friend has 3 cats who have complete run of the house. They prowl around the worktops while she cooks <heaves again> and prowl along the back of the couch while you're sat down trying to ignore them. I always find cat hair in my food when I go round to hers for dinner which is hardly ever She also had a cat who had um, gastric problems, who used to shit its brains out on a newspaper in a corner of the room while we were eating/drinking tea at the kitchen table <sweet lord, the memories> I feel like such a cow coz it's their home too but I find a bit much <one last big heave>

AllieZ Thu 01-Sep-11 17:48:42

JosieRosie, that's just downright disgusting, [barf]

3littlefrogs Thu 01-Sep-11 19:01:50

Do not come to stay for 2 weeks and then stay for 3 months.

Do not take over the living room (where you are sleeping on the sofa bed) for the whole day, leaving your belongings scattered everywhere.

Do not shout at my 2 year old for crying when he gets stuck between the sofa bed and the wall because you stay in it till lunch time, and leave it unfolded all day, meaning he has no room to play with his toys.

Do not leave your dirty clothes on the floor beside the washing machine for me to wash.

Do not leave the TV on all night.

Do not ask me every morning if I have been sick yet.

Do not wander about the place in your underwear when the midwife comes to do my booking visit. She thought you were my husband. I was mortified and revolted at the mere thought.

Jugglingjemima Thu 01-Sep-11 19:24:39

threelittlefrogs three months?! A friend of mind had her sister over for the weekend and stayed for a year. Said sister claimed to suffer from Seasonal A Depression and friend's electricity bills went through the roof. After one weekend of my mother I would happily inject heroin into my eyeballs. I almost need to inject gin into my eyeballs at the mere memory. I am now living in a very smalll house, with no mortgage, just so that there is no space for her.

maybells Fri 02-Sep-11 11:01:14

my dp uncle has NINE cats and they go everywhere, they prowl all over the brand new kitchen hes just paid thousands for, granite work tops and posh fittings. they had invited us to a birthday party and had prepared some amazing food. shame it was ruined by the fact i nearly coughed up a hair ball from the amount of cat hair deposited in everything.
i was scowled upon because i gently pushed the cat away from my plate of food which it was trying to stick its head into.
another rather disgusting one, my mils dog i hate the fucking thing anyway it has no respect for humans or their space. it has always been treated like a child. the dog is not spade so comes into season and bleeds all over the house, is allowed on their bed, sofa on their lap eurrrrgh! the last straw for me was when it jumped on my lap while i was wearing white trousers and blobbed blood on me!!!
i love animals and i have my own dog and several others pets which are kept under control when guest are present. my dog will also be kept away from guests if they do not like her. most guests are afraid of her because shes a German Shepard so i respect their wishes and separate them.

pinkhyena Fri 02-Sep-11 11:09:41

shock maybells bleugh!

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 02-Sep-11 11:09:49

Sounds like some of you know some freakish pet-owner. I love animals and happily talk to and stroke other people's pets, but there are limits and cats on the worktops/drinking out of your tea hmm are beyond those limits as far as I'm concerned.

JosieRosie Fri 02-Sep-11 11:11:09

OMG maybells shock We really really need a vomit emoticon on here - are you listening MNHQ????

maybells Fri 02-Sep-11 11:16:11

i know its utterly disgusting, this bloody dog jumps up and eats the food off the table, it will sit with its head on her lap while you eat and they say "awwww does jess want some din dins". they don't even push it down i cant stand it i give it a swift kick push down.
one time it jumped up and was eating the profiteroles off the kitchen side and mil still served them, and gave me a dirty look when i said i wasn't eating something the dog and just munched on!

Pang Fri 02-Sep-11 11:31:29

Oh here's a good one.

Don't allow your DC to break my house rules while you sit there and smile at how cute it is.

Don't swear at me in front of my DC, jump up and lock yourselves and DC in my guestroom crying because I told your DC not to behave badly in my house. (Which you should have done yourself.)

Don't then expect me provide you all with dinner and beds for the night, when all I really want is for you to leave. Just leave peacefully.

ScarletOHaHa Fri 02-Sep-11 11:37:12

What had DC done Pang? Did they leave/stay

Pang Fri 02-Sep-11 12:07:40

Oh the DCs behaviour was nothing unusual for kids. It's the parents reaction that was over the top.
Just a bit of food throwing and table banging at lunch. To my mind a 4 & 6year should be corrected on this. I expected the parents to do it but when they didn't I told the DC it had to stop or they would have to go away from the table. (It would have been wrong of me not to say something because my DC need to know that house rules apply to everyone not just to them.) Anyway, one child cried and it all kicked off - screaming, shouting, crying (and that's just the parents). My DC and I sat at the table totally confused. And my DD said "Mummy why are they so mad you only asked them to stop. You didn't shout or anything. You would have shouted at us. blush"

Unfortunately, they did stay. We spent the evening in my house avoiding each other. Mainly them locked up in a room. When my DH came home from work I told him the score then went to another friend's house for a big glass of wine or 3. He entertained them for the evening and they left first thing the next morning. The kids had forgotten about the fuss but the adults were still steaming.

JosieRosie Fri 02-Sep-11 12:18:41

Maybells, I thought my mate was a bit precious about her cats but she would never ever serve food that the cats had been having a go at! At least I hope she wouldn't shock <plans to deflect all future dinner invitations from said friend>

ScarletOHaHa Fri 02-Sep-11 12:41:14

gottcha Pang - I would do the same. Your house and your rules.

Fenouille Fri 02-Sep-11 20:46:59

Very tame compared to most here, but if you offer to do washing up please don't then break several of the host's mugs on the edge of the (porcelain) sink. One is an accident and will be forgiven, even if it was her DH's favourite mug, but three or four is just inconsiderate.

Saying, "Ooops," each time you do it is not endearing.

And if host asks you to remove your outdoor shoes as there is a crawling baby in the house could you please have the grace to say sorry and take them off after your host comes in to the lounge to find you with said outdoor shoes still on every bloody time.

Inertia Sat 03-Sep-11 08:34:16

If, due to building work, the only bathroom in the house is accessed via the office, please don't pretend to be using the bathroom but in fact be in the office with the door locked so you can play on the host's computer.

Please don't leave rollie tins/ lighters/ cigarettes on the host's dining table, where they are in easy reach of host's small children. It's repulsive to find them on the table when you're about to serve food.

darksideofthemooncup Sun 04-Sep-11 23:21:25

I have just come back to this thread and noticed that Ladyclarice wants details....well, we had a friend and her boyfriend over to stay for the first time. I had made a lovely meal and was looking forward to meeting him. They turned up an hour late and completely trashed. The boyfriend dribbled his way through dinner and went up to bed and she followed not long after.

I stayed up for a couple of hours and was just about to turn in when this unbelievable stench floated down the stairs. I assumed it was from the bathroom and waited for a while to let it die down. When I got into the bathroom I noticed that someone had got poo everywhere and made a poor attempt at cleaning up, obviously I wasn't best pleased and set to it with the bleach and went to bed.

The next morning I heard voices downstairs so I got up and noticed that the spare room door was ajar. When I looked closer I saw THREE MASSIVE POOLS OF POO that had clearly been soaking into the carpet all bloody night!
I couldn't bring myself to speak to them but apparently he told my husband that my friend had been sick on his trousers so could he borrow some?
I had the carpet professionally cleaned and we are due to re-carpet very very soon.
And that is the story of the houseguest that took a shit on my carpet.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 05-Sep-11 09:40:24

Christ, mooncup, I'm traumatised now and it didn't even happen to me ...

You poor poor thing (and your husband).

<shares thousand-yard stare>

GreatNorksOfFire Mon 05-Sep-11 14:10:19

mooncup, you say it was for the first time that these houseguests stayed. Please, please tell me you never had them to stay again?? That is beyond horrendous behaviour.

darksideofthemooncup Mon 05-Sep-11 16:37:55

Don't worry GreatNorks I haven't seen them since although they are going to be at a wedding we are attending soon. Its a small wedding so I imagine it may be a tad awkward

BerylStreep Mon 05-Sep-11 17:26:03

Mooncup, they couldn't possibly have the nerve to inhabit the same space as you after that. Let's hope they cry off.


jen127 Mon 10-Oct-11 20:41:05

Don't come and stay whilst I am 5 months pregnant and dh is on crutches and wait every night for me coming home to cook a meal for you your partner and child! Drink my wine and not buy one bottle as replacement! I know I couldn't drink but that's not the point!
Don't arrive at my door when I am 40 weeks pregnant and still working full time and dh hasn't worked since said broken ankle to tell me she had given my house a good clean as it needed it! That helped the high blood pressure and pre eclampsia ! Then came to visit when I was hospitalized and complained about the weather! I am good but not that good!
Oh also when she arrived she was looking for me to have cooked her favorite fish pie ! FFS !
Don't offer to buy me flowers from the flower stall on the street and then say they are too expensive!
Stop drinking my wine and not replace with even one bottle !

jen127 Tue 11-Oct-11 09:04:12

I was brought up to think that it was always rude to turn up at someones house with your two hands alike - i.e empty.
This is not the case for my inlaws. I have various members of DH's family to stay who are fed and watered for weeks on end with out a thank you!
It has stopped now !

Diamondback Fri 21-Oct-11 16:48:48

- Don't bring your own dinner with you to microwave, especially after I've told you there's no need, it's just after Christmas and I have a house full of food. I'm sure your two year old will find something he likes!

- Don't bring your own wine, which is the only wine you'll drink, spurning my perfectly nice bottle that you haven't even tasted.

- If I am feigning sleep at 1am, it probably means I want to go to bed now...

Diamondback Fri 21-Oct-11 16:53:32

Oh, and don't turn my loo roll round! I know the 'under or over' debate is neverending, but I'll have it how I want in my house!

toomuchsand Wed 15-Feb-12 18:49:08

this thread is very funnysmile i have been a house guest for years due to always ending living up miles from anyone -went from arriving with holdall and waving bottles of champagne to arriving with babies and masses of luggage over the years- but no, nothing that resembles me. BUT having people to stay:

DO NOT smoke downstairs/ in your room/ out of bathroom window as it does smell and I will notice. Smoke outside.
Do not rummage through our wine, drink the nicest and leave the rest as "it looks a bit ropey" cheers for that.
Do not turn up before I get home for a weekend visit and expect me to be able to start drinking with you. i asked you all for 7.30pm-8pm for a reason.
Do not use the phone without asking.
ask for my wifi password by all means, but do not spend the night playing with your phone. Turn it off. I know you are not an on-call heart surgeon.
Do not stay til about 10.30pm, get a booty call and push off out into the night muttering about a friend in need, coming back at midday the next day, wanting to hog the bathroom and tell us about it in front of the dc's.
Do not moan on fb how boring we are.
Do not expect us to give up our beds for you - you can sleep in the lounge. and no, I am not moving the dc;s either. they don;t want you in their bedroom.
Eat the food I give you and don't turn your nose up at it. Do not leave it all and then want crisps.
when I am sweeping the kitchen floor, do not pick up a scrap i missed and THROW IT IN FRONT OF THE BROOM - that really annoyed me!

Please do not rearrange my furniture, kitchen cupboards , cutlery drawer. Leave it alone. I like it like that. Your way is not better.

Leave Sunday after lunch, whatever your host says. we are being polite. really, we want you gone. and send me a note / flowers or something.

there are loads more, but i want to do some deep breathingsmile

Chilenachica Sun 29-Apr-12 03:35:11

Can I join in please, first post in this topic.

When visiting divorced brother and his new girfriend(me) for Christmas lunch don't call ahead telling them to tell the ex wife to Collect her son 2 hour's later than arranged because you are running late. Then don't cop an attitude when New girlfriend refuses to oblige

ResponsibleAdult Fri 04-Jan-13 11:25:07

1. Don't arrive with 3 suitcases of dirty washing as "too busy to wash before" then monopolise my washing machine for three days
2. Don't invite friends to my house, offer to prepare meal for invited guests then bugger off to the pub, leaving me to prepare for 12, not 4 originally invited
3. Don't get down from the table between courses to cut toenails on the floor, not joking.
4. Don't criticise food as not organic unless you intend to bring your own.
5. Don't invite guests then as they cross threshold say " I nearly cancelled as I don't feel well and can't be bothered, you won't stay past 10 will you?"
6. Don't tell hosts you haven't had time to visit off licence and turn up empty handed, have sent "friends" back out the door to 7-11 round the corner the third time they did this.

Episkopos Wed 30-Jan-13 08:57:35

Wow! Thanks for sharing this insightful tips.

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