Who to ask if DCs are included on wedding invitation?

(26 Posts)

Just received a wedding invitation from DH's cousin. We see cousin/uncle/aunt in law generally just at weddings, funerals, christenings. We helped sister to cousin get some work experience for a couple of weeks about 4 years ago. I am "friends" with cousin and uncle-in law on facebook and we share fairly frequent comments, dialogue on each others lives. Don't tend to do too much visiting though - but we live in opposite parts of the country. So just to set the scene, friendly but not really close family.

The wedding invitation was addressed on the envelope to FishfingersHusband and FishFingers Surname. So used our first names. Inside invitation a beautiful card with all the details - but no further salutations. So no Would like the company of "Fishfingers and FishfingersDH" Just the same card for everyone.

None of this is an issue but no-where is mentioned the DC. We have 2. DH's various siblings also have 7 children between them. So could totally understand if 9 children were not included. But it does not state no children. But it does not say "and family". Anywhere.

I am easy with whatever they have decided - but the etiquette question is how best to find out?

Do I ask uncle-in-law? The cousin? How do I ask without any unintended criticism of the invitation? Should I maybe ask my FIL (Uncle is his younger brother) if he knows/could find out? I don't want to assume they are invited (and let them know by making it clear we would bring them) and embarrass the bride by her either having to say "no they cannot come". Or sort babysitting and turn up childless and DCs would miss out (especially as they love family events with their 7 cousins).

So who to ask? Any suggested wording?

Sorry is so long...am trying to make the situation clear...

dothraki Mon 15-Apr-13 12:38:57

Why don't you get DH to ring his cousin ? He could be very chatty and just pop it in the conversation. After reading some of the wedding invite threads on here though - you are right to try and find out now smile

That is the problem - they are not really on "calling for a chat" terms - as above - weddings, christenings etc. No phone no on invitation and would probably safe to say DH would not even have cousins number. That is why I am finding tricky as am thinking only way we could ask is in writing - via email or facebook - so although could still be "chatty" it is always much more of a minefield!

Bunbaker Mon 15-Apr-13 12:42:58

Just ask whoever sent the invitation. I don't see a problem with that.

Bunbaker Mon 15-Apr-13 12:44:29

Cross posted. As you have already received an invitation a phone call to the sender won't come as a complete surprise. Get the number from FIL if you don't have it.

BranchingOut Mon 15-Apr-13 12:50:28

I think that the best thing to do is ask ASAP.

(Bitter experience of being informed of a child-free wedding long after a save-the-date card had been received, venue announced etc).

how about "I just want to confirm that you are not expecting DC 1 and DC2? They will be looking forward to a sleepover at DM/DSis while we come to your wedding, but I just want to double-check to avoid any misunderstanding." ?

Blu Mon 15-Apr-13 12:55:28

e mail them, and say 'thanks for the invite, all looks so exctiting, can't wait to come - just double checking, I'm assuming that because it was just our names on the envelope we won't be bringing the brood?'

So that they know you are not chippy or will have difficultis if the kids are not invited, and to make it easier, and therefore less awkward for everyone, for them to agre with you that kids are not invited, but they can say 'oh, no, bring the kids, of course they are invited'.

DiscoDonkey Mon 15-Apr-13 12:56:27

I would go with Lily's approach something along the lines of "looking forward to wedding, have made childcare plans but just checking your not expecting them on the day?"

WeAreSix Mon 15-Apr-13 12:56:28

I had the same with a wedding invite from my cousin. Similar situation - don't see each other as we live 300 miles away but chat via Facebook etc.

I emailed my cousin and asked directly. The invite was for me & DH and was worded the same as yours - Mr & Mrs WeAreSix.

Cerisier Mon 15-Apr-13 13:06:55

Were the children invited WeAreSix?

sherbetpips Mon 15-Apr-13 13:14:01

Definately a phone conversation - nice and light hearted, just want to check - dont do it on email as it is amazing how differently people read things to how you intended them - MM being a case in point!

lydiajones Mon 15-Apr-13 13:16:27

In my experience if the children aren't mentioned on the invite then they are not invited.

MrsCampbellBlack Mon 15-Apr-13 13:16:56

I would go with Lily's approach but to be honest I don't think the children are invited as their names aren't on the invite.

GrandPoohBah Mon 15-Apr-13 13:19:22

DH and I received an invitation from one of my closest friends addressed to myname & hisname surname, had our names written on the invitation itself, but I have an EBF 5mo baby and a 5yo stepson. I gave her a call - outright asked if it was for us, or for the whole family.

She had absolutely no idea of the etiquette of wedding invite addressing, and was shocked to hear that I'd thought she hadn't included the DC. They may just not know that there's any difference?!

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 15-Apr-13 13:22:40

I would assume that the DCs are not invited as they do not appear on the invite. If you want to be sure, send them an email congratulating them and asking for clarification.

WeAreSix Mon 15-Apr-13 13:26:28

No, children not invited.

I was pissed off actually - if it was a child free wedding I wouldn't have batted an eyelid but other children are going. They said no to the oldest 3 'to keep numbers down'. I said I understood about the older 3 and could organise childcare for them, but did they mind if I had baby with me. No need for food as she's breastfed / weaning. They said no to her too 'after consideration' hmm

Cerisier Mon 15-Apr-13 16:31:02

WeAreSix sad. Not surprised you were fed up.

galwaygirl Mon 15-Apr-13 16:56:28

As others have said they're more than likely not invited but my sister was like GrandPoohBah's cousin and didn't realise she was supposed to put the kids' names

BackforGood Mon 15-Apr-13 17:30:49

I too would presume that only the people named on the envelope were invited, but got questioned as to where our children were, when we assumed this on receiving an invite from one of dh's school friends. They just 'assumed' everyone would bring family, and I'd 'just assumed' we were invited as a couple.

Best thing to do is to e-mail / FB message / call, and say "Thanks for the invite - we are hoping to be there but are just waiting to double check if Grandma (or whoever) is able to look after the dc that weekend, then we'll reply more formally".
That way, it doesn't look like you are asking, but if they did actually mean for the dc to come, then they can jump in at that point and say so.

Thank you all very much. I am like many - do think it is probably just for DH & I - but am also struck by the possibility that it just has not occurred to them that clarity helps grin.

So have emailed the below:

"Very excited about the beautiful invitation we received this morning and will be RSVPing to cousin shortly. Just wanted to check that it is just for DH & I as per the envelope? If is a off-spring free event (whoo hoooo) will probably need to sort childcare/sleepover for DCs (think the dog would be willing but not necessarily able :-))

If they are included that also would be lovely - just want to check before start sorting stuff."

So kept it chatty so am hoping will not offend anyone!

Casmama Mon 15-Apr-13 21:51:42

Perfect email, that opulent possibly worry or offend anyone.

Trillz Mon 15-Apr-13 21:54:40

I see you've done it already, but I would say that you should ask the person who is listed as the person to RSVP to, and not ask anyone else.

You don't want conversations between the your FIl and his brother and the cousin of "FishFingers wants to bring her children, what do we do?", you just want the answer to "did you mean for me to bring them or not, I will do whatever it is that you intended".

Well a quick update - DCs are included - bride's sister had forgotten to put "and family" on the envelope and realised just as it went in the post box!

Thank you again for all you assistance!

Good thing you checked! Imagine how you'd have felt turning up and everyone saying "where are the kids?"

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