friend of DD being thrown out at 18

(41 Posts)
molliec Mon 28-Jan-13 16:48:34

My dds friend is on the verge of being thrown out by his father and step mother. He has has tentatively asked if he can stay in our spare room and pay rent from a small part time job. He is a nice lad and struggling to finish A levels and get to university. For some reason they do seem to be giving him a very hard time. I usually take what the kids say with a pinch of salt but this case seems genuine. He is rarely allowed to use the computer or internet - his course is computer studies- so he is already a year behind. His list of cores after school make me go pale. I dont want to interfere and cannot really afford a lodger but at 18 I cant think of anyone else to help him.

lljkk Mon 28-Jan-13 17:04:26

You need to find out more about his circumstances. I would probably let him stay, though.

diamondee Mon 28-Jan-13 17:33:50

I think I would let him stay and see how it goes? He's old enough to understand if it doesn't work out.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 28-Jan-13 17:40:39

As long as his rent covers what it costs you to keep him (electricity/gas/food etc), I'd take him in. I actually did take in DS's friend when he left home at 18, having fallen out with his stepdad. It was fine.

CMOTDibbler Mon 28-Jan-13 17:49:10

I'd take him in as a lodger, paying what rent he can afford and see how it goes.

molliec Mon 28-Jan-13 17:54:06

Thanks everyone. I think you are right. Does anyone know of any official help for people in these circumstances. All I can find is info about 16 or 17 year olds or " looked after" children. It just doesnt seem fair when a kid is trying to make something out of his life and may be denied the chance.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 28-Jan-13 18:01:12

He/you could contact CAB and/or Shelter to ask if he can get any sort of benefits or bursary.

CMOTDibbler Mon 28-Jan-13 18:03:35

His tutor at school/college should be able to put him in touch with local services

ggirl Mon 28-Jan-13 18:08:12

This happened to a friend of dd's , As soon as she turned 18 her father chucked her out....very bizarre imo.
She worked 2 part time jobs and rented a flat. Felt very sorry for her.

MariusEarlobe Mon 28-Jan-13 18:10:13

If he goes down to the council housing advice team and explains the situation they will be able to advise what he is entitled to both finance and house wise.

I would house him as long as he hadn't done something really bad.

pixi2 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:12:47

I can't stop thinking about this. Please take him in. He sounds like a decent young man. Once he is in your home he should meet with his head of year or personal tutor to tell them about the situation. They may be able to help him claim any benefits he could be entitled to and look into something such as sheltered accommodation.

MariusEarlobe Mon 28-Jan-13 18:12:49

I'm not 100% but im sure as a lodger you can get housing benefit? Which would really help him and you.

molliec Mon 28-Jan-13 18:13:02

We are going to approach someone at school who might help but the lad seems reluctant to ask himself. I suppose I can understand. Who wants to admit their own dad doesn't love them. Hard to take at any age! My big fear is that he`ll tolerate the situation too long and then finally crack and do something drastic.

thereonthestair Mon 28-Jan-13 18:13:04

My mum did this for my friend at school. It was something which I still think (nearly 20 years later) was amazing and selfless of her. It marked a real plus in my relationship with her as an adult. So if you can I really would. It made a real long term difference to my friends life as he finished his a levels and went on to get a degree.

bubbles1231 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:14:23

Under the government rent a room scheme I think you are entitled to earn about £4000 tax free. Also he may be entitled to housing benefit?
Or you could do it more informally.

molliec Mon 28-Jan-13 18:17:09

Thanks again. This lad has done nothing even remotely bad. We will not turn him away whatever happens. I couldnt live with that but a lot of damage has been done. His poor mother must be turning in her grave.

nancerama Mon 28-Jan-13 18:20:20

DH's DB was in a similar situation. MIL remarried and as soon as BIL turned 18 they refused to support him, despite the fact he was a great kid and very little bother.

He gets enough housing benefit to rent a room in a shared house. I believe SIL had to give a statement to the housing office confirming that BIL was no longer permitted to live in the family home and there were no relatives nearby with space to house him. I think they had to appeal, but they got the benefit after a couple of weeks. We were unable to take him on as we live 2 hours away and BIL didn't want to leave his apprenticeship to move away from the area.

I hope everything works out ok for this lad. I hate how families can be in these situations.

ihearsounds Mon 28-Jan-13 18:24:18

Benefit changes mean that he would only be able to rent a room as a house share anyway. At least if you take him in, he knows the other tenants. Plus if you are a tenant he would be doing you a favour because that spare room would no longer be a spare room and cost you more.

noddyholder Mon 28-Jan-13 18:29:27

I say yes do it.

AvonCallingBarksdale Mon 28-Jan-13 18:36:34

I would, and my parents did with one of my friends. I think, once you know they're in trouble, you can't not IYSWIM. You sound lovely, OP

JenaiMorris Mon 28-Jan-13 18:37:36

Would he be allowed to claim anything, seeing as he isn't a job seeker?

I certainly hope so, poor lad.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 18:41:16

OP you are a good woman to do this. I hope that I would do the same as you if confronted with this situation.

If he is 18 and not living with his parents, then I would think he should be entitled to something - do students get HB?

I would definitely speak to school, and if you get no luck there then perhaps go with him to CAB and see what they think?

orangeandlemons Mon 28-Jan-13 18:44:56

I think you would also be eligible for his child benefit.

MariusEarlobe Mon 28-Jan-13 18:50:23

Full time students can get HB if they are under 19 and in further education not higher. part time students can claim it regardless.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 28-Jan-13 18:55:09

possibly he could get this 1200/yr

Income support seams a bit hazy on whether he'd get it. It'd be worth an appointment with the school student councillor, unfortunately they'll have seen it before.

EMA (educational maintenance allowance) is still available in Wales, i know its not in England but if your in Scotland or N.Ireland its one to check out.

The social fund will make one of payments. If you decided to take him in you could request two months deposit, which he could apply to the social fund for This would then be his when he/ you're ready for him to move on to put down on his next place. It would obviously insure you as well against that tiny bit of risk - I know thats not what you're posting about.

bubbles1231 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:46:52

CAB have fantastic benefits advisors. You fill out a form about circumstances, they plug it into their computer and it tells exactly which benefits can be claimed. Some CABs are first come first served and you have to wait it out, but others you can make an appt. Please be patient though as they are seriously overstretched.

Turn2us.org.uk may be able to help work out what he would be entitled to.

molliec Tue 29-Jan-13 19:31:51

Thanks .This has given me some avenues to explore. We`ll manage somehow and, you never know, he may make millions in the future and be really grateful.
Meanwhile i think the child benefit is a definate.

molliec Thu 31-Jan-13 09:13:46

Things are looking much worse for all of us now. My job is at serious risk which means the end. There is no chance of keeping the house if this happens so we could all be homeless. DD could stay with friends until she goes to university - husband could stay with friends. I would just call it a day - im just too tired of fighting life all the time. But I would regret leaving this nice lad with nowhere to go.

FiercePanda Thu 31-Jan-13 09:17:48

What do you mean by "call it a day", mollie...?

PeachActiviaMinge Thu 31-Jan-13 09:23:02

Mollie go look at your beautiful DD tell her you love her and think of all the wonderful things she has coming up in her life then tell me you could just call it a day. Even in our darkest times we have hope sweetheart you have wonderful people in your life and you sound like a wonderful person. Get yourself to the CAB and start doing what you can to protect yourself if you do end up losing your job if you need to scream and shout or just talk PM me I can always listen.

You are not alone. I'm here I can listen and I will. No-one is ever truly alone.

CuriousMama Thu 31-Jan-13 09:25:33

sad Poor lad. Thank God he has you.

FiercePanda Thu 31-Jan-13 09:34:20

If your H could stay with friends, so could you. Please go to CAB and find out how you can protect yourself and your family. You are not alone, Mollie. Keep talking.

CuriousMama Thu 31-Jan-13 09:39:59

Oh sorry just saw your latest post. How awful for you all.

Mollie you're not calling it a day. There's still fight in you yet. Get that chin up and chest out, girl, and take it one day at a time.

You've had an idea to help a deserving lad out, now follow up on it with the CAB and see what benefits he's entitled to. Whilst you're down there, ask them about your own situation if push comes to shove and you lose your job. You don't get made homeless overnight, with no notice. Mollie, you have a big heart that will get you through, and MN will keep encouraging you on, and give you plenty of advice on where to go for help etc.

raisah Sat 23-Feb-13 04:16:15

Yes do it & help him fulfill his dreams & potential in life. It can go wrong v quickly if you weren't prepared to take him in. So many young people end up on the streeys becausr of their dysfunctional homr lives. His father should not expect his son to look out for him when he becomes a dependent as a pensioner. His son owes him nothing and should concentrate on making a success of his life thanks to you.

CheerfulYank Sat 23-Feb-13 04:22:53

We'll help you. None of this calling it a day.

This boy needs you, so do your husband and DD. What do you need? What exactly is going on?

raisah Sat 23-Feb-13 04:26:32

So sorry to hear about your change in circumstances. As previous posters say chin up & face the world, if you are tired come here to find some rest. Plenty of ppl here to hold your hand & give you support. In the meantime sign up to a couple of temping agencies to keep your options open. My friend signed upto Brook ST temping agency (they r nationwide & online) when her job finished. They got her a job as a dept secretary at a university within 3 days. Send them your cv & your daughters too so they can find her a job during the summer hils. Good luck & keep us posted.

CalamityJ Tue 26-Mar-13 02:04:48

My parents were in a similar situation and took my friend in. It ended up only being temporary as he then made contact with an aunt and moved in with her. So why not take him in on the understanding it's temporary and then look into something more permanent. My friend would have had to drop out of school without my parents intervening and he's now a very successful accountant. There will be some way of helping your daughter's friend in the long run as others have suggested but please do help him in the short term till he can access the longer term options.

CalamityJ Tue 26-Mar-13 02:09:11

Just seen your change in circumstances. As others have said, there will be people to help you as they would help your daughter's friend so please talk to them. CAB, housing department, even the Samaritains if you're saying what I think you're saying.

Crinkle77 Tue 26-Mar-13 16:01:27

You have only heard your sons friends version of events. The parents might have another story to tell

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